the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

can'tthinkoffunnyname - many thanks for keeping us informed. Please let C know we are always here for her.

Many congrats abiabi, that's lovely news We LOVE new babies on this thread, they remind us that the world keeps turning and that there is a future.

I love lillies but does anyone else think they smell of cats wee?

Welcome CazEM, i'm sorry that we have to meet like this, but so glad that you've managed to find your way here. Thank you for Sharing Belle with us - what a beautiful name for a very special little girl. Please know that we're all here for you as you walk along this path - some of us are further ahead then others, but we will walk with you and help you find your own way.

Matt used to say the smelt of sweet corn

OMG Im too old for playing football in our back yard. Lewis (aka David Beckham) loves kicking the massive beach ball we have got. He started off trying to kick it over the wall into next doors but now he has a brand new game....try to hit Gran on the head with it [little bugger emoticon]

He just told me 'hit it at dada' I said 'yesterday Lew?' - 'es andma hit him in conkers' Dan always says to him when they are playing football 'Mind my conkers Lew!!' Oh I have a very rude family

our family have definately lost the recipe my mother had seven grandsons and seven great grandsons, I was the last girl to be born in our family and I am 58, I guess they broke the mould, but we live in hope!

Hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Phew, this thread is too fast moving for a hormonal pregnant lady... ...

Thanks Shabba - it really was the right decision for me at the time, but its so nice to talk to people who were in the same boat. Amnio and Downs seem so clear cut when you're discussing them in a roundabout way, but when it's actually your baby they're talking about its so frightening! Anyway I am happy now, and off to pregnancy yoga tonight to try and chill out a bit... hmm, I dont think it'll work somehow . Aw, so many boys - how lovely. If this LO is a girl I think my DH will be fairly desperate to have a boy next time. He misses watching Spurs matches with Archie . Your family sounds utterly gorgeous, and yours too Lavande! Shabs give Lewis a kiss from me.

Thank ILikeTo... I will keep you all updated! 19+4 today, and Dh felt her/him kick last night for the first time, so exciting!

Lavendes - sounds very much like my family....My parents had me and my brother, then followed by 5 grandsons, then our Lewis. That made me the last girl since 1956. A small miracle happened on New Years Eve last year...my brothers son became the very proud father of a LITTLE GIRL called Grace xxx

Welcome Caz - sorry to hear about your Belle - I can only echo what Shabs, ILike and others have said - the support I have found from this group of lovely ladies has helped me through some tough days and i hope you feel some comfort from coming here.

Can'tthinkoffunnyname - Thanks so much for your post. No doubt in my mind either, please pass on my hugest hug and a big bucket of strength to C when you see her - I can't imagine what the last few days have been like but I hope she knows we'll all still be here whenever she wants to come and chat.

Hmmmm I just don't 'do' lillies - I love the look of them but the strong smell just makes me want to pass out!!

Hiya AbiAbi - really pleased to hear news of your pregnancy x

School finishes tomorrow lunchtime for summer hols for DS1 - I am soooooo proud of him - if someone had told me this time last year that he'd have coped the way he has over his first year at school I'd have never of believed it. Did I tell you gals that i'd applied for another job?! anyway am not getting an interview but there were over 50 applicants so i'm not disheartened at all and just pleased with myself that my cv is now up to date and more importantly my head is in a better place for having gone through the motions of imagining leaving my current job where i've been for last 13 years!! Oh yeah and thanks to the rain we have had this week my sunflowers are now peeking over the top of my wee wall in the front garden yay !!

Hello all , sorry Sassy I meant to say this morning how amazing your day sounded (If a wee bit of a hike) Catherine really does sound like a brilliant girl , you must be so proud of her and I am sure that she must be so proud of her mum too xx

Good luck with the job hunting ppm , I am jealous your school holidays are so close we have got another 3 weeks here . I can't wait .

Huge Congratulations abi abi

How is everyone doing today ?

Jamie is saying he is feeling poorly now but I can't work out if it is just his hayfever or he is coming down with the sickly spud bug .Fingers crossed it is just his hayfever , he does get it really bad but generally controlled pretty well with meds .

I can't stop thinking about crumpette , I am keeping everything crossed for her x

I need to share something to see if it echoes with anyone here.

Sometimes, I resent dd2 for not being dd1. Sometimes I feel so much dislike towards her. Sometimes, I think she's awful compared to dd1, and that we're doing it all wrong this time, out of grief for dd1.

Phew. I'm sure the "sometimes" is important. Much more of the time I think she's lovely. It's so unfair to compare them because she's not even two yet and has lots of growing and learning to do before she catches up with dd1. I do worry though that I'm holding back from loving her as much, just in case she dies too.

Hoping you'll tell me this is normal....

Awwww Zeno - in my opinion that is totally, totally normal. When my sons died, each time they left behind Danny. For 13 years he was my 'only one.' When I had Tom it was soooooooo weird. He was kind of an outsider on our grief...Dan said he was the lucky one who had no sad memories. Sometimes I would feel like that - a kind of resentment that the other boys weren't here.

Its very hard to explain but I do understand what you mean xxx

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Thank you for the lovely welcome ladies. Being able to be open and say everything that was going around in my head last night really helped I think to have a 'good' nights sleep - I slept through until 11 anyway instead of broken hours here and there. Of course I've said all those things to DH, we have always been very open with eachother and nothing has changed in the last two weeks, but just being able to open up to outsiders, who also understand our heartbreak I think will be another added element of great support. I think there will be much more to say as time goes on.

I don't know if today has been a good or bad day - its sort of been a neutral day, again, its all a bit blurry, but we've tried to do positive things.

Today we printed and framed Anabelle's photo and put it up in the living room next to her framed scan pictures. I've spent so much of the day finding myself drifting to looking at her - she is so so beautiful and it breaks my heart all the more that she is only here in a picture.

We also named a star for her, we named it as her whole name Anabelle Violet - a beautiful gift my work sent to us in memory of her. Ironically her star is inbetween the Cancer star and Leo star - cancer being the starsign she is, and Leo what she should have been. I don't actually believe in starsigns at all, but it made a lovely coincidence.

Morning girls xx

good morning everyone.

sassy I should imagine that you would be just as brilliant with a new baby as you obviously were with Catherine. Of course you would worry that is only natural. I think it is far too soon to even think about another baby, you have had such a great shock. If you are like me that shock is still so raw. But in time I think all new babies bring their own love and your love will come naturally, you won't even need to think what to do you will just do it. Catherine will always be part of your family and be a big sister. Hope this makes some sense xx

G'mornin folks x

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Morning everyone... my lilies are beautiful! I have posted a pic to my profile if anyone wants a look. I've put them in my lounge, with a framed photo of Archie underneath. I know that probably seems a bit shrine-y to some, but it actually really soothed me last night, having done somthing just for him, and all of our little stars! We dont have a memorial set up for him yet, so this is my DIY attempt...

Thanks PPM and TW

Zeno - its normal! I havent been in that situation yet to be honest, as I only have an older DD, but I can't imagine that other people in the same boat as you havent felt the same. There's no need to whisper, it doesnt make you a bad person; we all think dark thoughts sometimes. hug

Sassy do you mind me asking how old Catherine was when she passed away? I understand how conflicting it is. I feel like a fraud sometimes, especially doing nice pregnancy-related things; like I went to Pregnancy Yoga yesterday, and everyone was really excited and talking about whether it was there first/second/third etc... and I just stuttered "Well its my third pregnancy, but I only have a daughter now...." and I just felt like a big grey cloud over everyones joy. I think you have to consider you rather than the situation, if you see what I mean - do YOU want another baby at some point? It doesnt matter about all the labels/stigma really, it's your body and your life. Sorry hope it doesnt seem bossy, I am just trying (cackhandedly!) to relate

Caz I completely, 100% understand when you say you had a neutral day; not good or bad. 6 months on I still get them, where I dont wail or scream, but I dont feel great either. Neutrals a good way to describe it though,a kind of gray or beige day I agree having the photo up will help, I am surrounded of pics of both my children. The star was a wonderful gesture, and I absolutely love her full name.

Morning lovelies. Thank-you for being here and sharing - keeping me going atm.

Spent some time moving things around to make space for dd2's stuff. I hate moving things, but it's better than putting them away. The basket full of coats and jumpers that has been in its place untouched for two years has finally made way for other things. Ghastly.

Sassy, dd1 has just turned 4 when she died almost two years ago. dd2 was born 9 weeks after that. You echo my confusion and conflict about our second child. I know I behave differently than I did with dd1, but there are so many factors involved it's hard to separate what comes from bereavement and what from elsewhere.

Having dd2 came on us so soon, we were forced to get on with it one way or another. It's a bit like we were sent back to Go again to do it all over.

There are some things I used to do that don't happen so much with dd2 because the memory surge is too much for me. But we're getting there. Now I'm finding it a pleasure to rediscover things I used to do with dd1 and it helps trigger lots of happy memories of times I spent with her.

We cuddle, we love, we teach her things about dd1. If anything I indulge her more out of an unshakeable awareness that she may not be with us for as long as we would like. That easy presumption of years to come is gone.

The only child thing is confusing. I think of them very much as siblings, but that they don't get to meet one another. Probably makes sense to me as my own sister died.

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We were trying to conceive a third child before Gregor died and have been ttc since but that's not really happening at the moment and i try to think if it's meant to be it will come at a time when i can cope with it both emotionally and physically as i just cannot even imagine the whole weirdness of getting past getting preg. Just cannot emotionally let myself go there.

Am really struggling this morning - am just back from an end of term 'parents visit to fairyland' which was the primary 1/2 topic this term. Start time coincided with the nursery class graduation Was coping ok til i reached the playground and saw all the very (rightly so!) excited mummies and daddies taking pics of their wee ones all dressed up. It was just so overwhelming that the wave of tears were uncontrollable. Got an hour of downtime before school finishes but just needed an outlet to get that out. Off to visit family this afternoon (another sodding birthday party) and we're stayin the night so need some extra strength and energy to cope with that too.... and i'm off the alcohol so that's not even an option atm!!

Oh Abi I havent looked at your picture for ages....there they are awwwww - beautiful shiny happy faces - what amazing eyes..... took my breath away when I saw your DC xxxxx

The lilies are beautiful. My parents brought me a big bunch of yellow roses and yellow carnations yesterday......we had a big heart made of yellow roses for Matts funeral.

My friend Sam came to visit yesterday. Remember the lady whose daughter Vicky died at the end of February???? Vicky was born with spina bifida and was my Matts nursery girlfriend She died at the tender age of 25.

I sat on the settee with my friend, Dan was there picking up Lewis. She had brought Vickys dog with her and Lew was petrified of it - imagine the scene......My son and Sam talking, the dog running round behind a screaming Lewis, and me sat in the middle not knowing who to talk to or whether to rescue Lew from the dog!!! It was like a scene out of 'One flew over a cuckoos nest!!' My dear friend sat and sobbed for two hours..she couldn't form her words, she kept saying how brave I had been and how she couldnt do it. I reminded her that I was only 'brave' because she supported me.

How strange life goes, in massive, un-ending circles....never thought that the two of us would have been bereaved of our children.

Well my darling nephew and his partner are getting married today LOL - they only told us 2 days ago!!! Remember they had a baby on New Years Eve - Grace. They have zero money but want to get married. Its just going to be my Brother and his DW, Nathan, Becki and Grace and as my sarcastic brother says...'Becki's mum and her girlfriend from Lesbos' I think its a great idea xxxxxx

OMG I could talk a glass eye to sleep!!

Oh my word PPM....that sounds so difficult. Sat here crying for you. Massive hugs - will be holding you close today, as always xxxx

Thanks for the hugs Shabs - your timing and just being there is perfect. Was school prize giving last night (which was also really difficult) but am sooo soooooo proud of ds1 as he got an award for best most consistent effort and attitude throughout the whole year in primary 1/2 and given what's gone on in his world in the last year i think that's some achievement - am a very proud mummy but doesn't stop me feeling the unfairness of not having my other gorgeous boy with me to share it with. Really oddly bittersweet and the tears are just rolling today!

Well done DS1 - well done little man. Give him a kiss from me and tell him I am proud of him.

I remember those awful 'bittersweet' moments it makes you feel mentally and physically exhausted doesn't it. xxxxxxx