Hello ladies, I hope you don't mind me joining and posting on your thread. I need somewhere to be honest with myself and let it all flow out and found your thread and it seemed like the place to go - I'd found the August 2010 thread on Mumsnet throughout my pregnancy a wonderful community and such a help for advice and virtual friendship.
I don't really know where to start, the last 4 weeks have been such blur and it all just hurts so much.
Our precious baby girl, Anabelle (but was already known affectionatly as Belle for short), just 32 weeks grown, was born sleeping last Monday, 21.06.2010 at 00:08 weighing 4lb 5oz after a very traumatic 5 days of trying to induce labour.
We'd gone to the hospital on the Wednesday 16th for the 2nd time in just over a week because she had gone quiet. When we'd gone the first time on the 6th when she had gone quiet the first time we were told I was going into prem-labour and that her heart rate kept dropped with every contraction, she was very almost delivered by emergancy c-sec then but I was treated quickly to stop labour, and she picked up. So we were kept in for a few days to make sure we were ok and then sent home to rest.
Everything seemed normal again for a week and then she went quiet again. We went back to the hospital, as I said on the 16th and they were immediately very concerned, devastatingly after a scan they told us our angels heart had stopped and she'd gone to sleep. We were, are completely heartbroken. She was wanted so much, planned and tried for as soon as we got married last summer.
They started me on a course of drugs the same day to induce labour - but it wasn't until the Sunday evening when they broke my waters that I went into active labour and Belle then finally arrived 5 hours later. She was totally beautiful. Our first baby. Nose just like her Daddy's which I was thrilled about because I'd been saying for weeks I thought she was going to have his nose from her scan pictures.
Throughout the labour I was on a morphine drip, I was under the understanding it was supposed to take all the pain away - but all it did was sedate me so I passed out between contractions - I felt everything. I'm glad I did now, because I felt that for her. I now think the morphine was there just to make me sleepy and keep my anxiety levels down more than anything else. I had gas and air which I don't think did an awful lot, but couldnt have an epidural due to developing an infection and being on another drip being treated for that.
Those 5 days waiting I really struggled with still being pregnant, but not. It is so hard to put how I was feeling, am feeling into words. Most of the time at the moment I don't know how I'm feeling - people ask, and the honest answer is "I don't know" - there is such a mixture of feelings I can't identify any one.
We kept her with us was 12 hours after she was born. The hospital were amazing and I can't fault them - the love and care we were shown was excellent. They supported us with everything we wanted to do with Belle and helped us capture memories, handprints, footprints, photos, handprints for a special bracelet we're now having made so a part of her is always with us. We treasure those hours we were able to spend with her, holding her, kissing her, dressing her.
Her funeral was Monday 28th, and it almost felt surreal, and seems a long time ago now, yet its only 3 days. We planned it ourselves and tried to make it special for her. We wrote our memories of the entire pregnancy and birth, al the special times we'd shared with her before and after she was born. We wrote her a letter and left it with her in her casket, telling her our memories and all the hopes and dreams we'd had for her. I think it helped knowing she "knew" how much she was loved. I believe wholeheartedly she is safe with Jesus now.
To make matters worse next door's baby girl was born the day before ours died. I'm struggling with hearing her crying - then I feel guilty for resenting their happiness and feel like a terrible person.
I just don't know where we are now, don't know what or how I'm supposed to be feeling or doing, don't even know how I feel in reality - everything seems blurry.
My DH has been amazing, I'm so proud of him, the tower of strength he's been for me and the way he managed to bear Belle's casket on Monday even though he was falling apart inside. He is my rock and this dreadful couple of weeks has shown what a truely wonderful man I married.
What happens next? I'm terrified, but I don't know what of. Questions are already going around in my head, does this mean I can't carry babies safely? They've taken bloods and placenta to do tests on to try and find a reason but they gave the impression they weren't really expecting too - we didn't want a post-mortom on our tiny girl so perhaps we'll never know. Perhaps there is nothing really to know and it just happened, I just feel so guilty - I was supposed to keep her safe and I just feel like I failed her in the worst possible way.
I think I've rambled on long enough now, if there is anyone here who could offer an experience or advice on how life goes now please tell me if you feel you are able.
I apologise for my incredibly self-centered post and send my wishes to you who are remembering you precious children's birthdays today.