DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

Oh God you poor thing. I am so sorry.

If you have an awkward relationship with your parents then don't have them to stay. Not worth the stress and hassle.

You will be shattered. And emotional and sad and lonely. But accept any and all help that is offered.

Are your parents near enough to come in and help out daily? Or take DD out for the day to let you rest etc?

Is DD happy at nursery? If so then full time might be a good idea but I would start it before the baby comes as otherwise she may well feel pushed out.

Regarding paid help you could think about a cleaner once or twice a week to keep on top of the house stuff. You could get a night nanny. Or a mother's help type person.

Firstly, I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this.

Secondly, it's totally possible to look after two kids alone.

my DH was in Russia when DS was born, so I was alone with DS from birth and DH was in Germany (again, working full time) when DD was born (DS was 14MO when DD was born and I was on my own - well, still am - full time and we are getting on fine. It sounds like your DC1 is older than my DS was when the baby came along, but I tried to put DS into nursery to give me a bit of a break and it was a disaster - too much changing too fast, so I think I would hold off on that if I were you... Your DC1 has also got a lot of change to deal with.

I had a nanny one day a week but, to be honest, didn't find her that much use so I've switched to a nanny share arrangement now, which works out better for me - espepcially financially.

Can you get in touch with your local NCT group - the one in my area is good at connecting people IYSWIM. Don't have your parents to stay if it's going to lead to more tension... last thing you need.

Good luck. With many hugs.

Harimo

Do you have a close friend who could put her commitments to one side for a couple of weeks?

I would think you will need support.

So sorry for your situation - hope the arrival of DC2 goes well.

Thank you for your advice ladies.

My parents are at the other end of the country so its an all or nothing type of visit for them. They also don't handle emotion well- they haven't even mentioned DH once since he died, it's as though he never existed.

My friends are luckily very supportive and live close by. They have young children so wouldn't be able to live in but am hoping would pop in during the day to help out

DD is happy at nursery thankfully. I've already increased her days since DH died to give me extra space. Good idea to try full time before the baby comes.

i'm so so sorry to hear about your dh...

i think maybe you'll only know how you feel when the time comes...you may want to be on your own to get your head around a new baby, or you may want lots of support...

tbh, in your situation, i think i'd rather rely on my friends but its something that only you can tell.

hope you're doing ok. x

tunnocks - I am so sorry to hear about your DH. I am [shocked] about your parents reaction to his death. I would have thought they would be desperate to support you through this difficult time.

I have a mothers help that I recruited through the local Job Centre Plus office. It is free to advertise and they help you with all the paperwork/legalities. If you only pay a small amount per week you can avoid the tax and national insurance route. I recruited a lovely older lady from nearby who was working as a dinner lady so CRB checked. Immaculate references and 2 grown up daughters of her own. She basically 'mucks in' - helps out with DD and the housework; whatever is needed. I made it clear in the ad that I wanted someone who was prepared to do that sort of thisng (as opposed to a nanny, who won't do housework IFYSWIM). Perhaps this idea could help you - someone who comes at the times you want them, as you can't guarantee that friends with kids will be able to be around when you need help the most.

So sorry to hear about your loss and lack of emotional support from your parents.

I used a mother's help when DS was born (had 3 others) and found her brilliant. She did cleaning, washing, played with older DS who was only 3 and held baby while I showered or needed a break.

With your friends a lot of people find it easier if you ask for specific help. Like could they drop off DD to nursery a few days a week?

Also don't forget lots of meals in the freezer and groceries delivered.

With your parents it sounds perhaps just an overnight visit as they may provide more stress than help.

Oh you poor love, sounds so very hard. I just thought I'd say that you shouldn't feel guilty about putting your DD into nursery full time. What if your situation was different and you were simply at work full time? She doesn't know the difference between the two situations. Plenty of kids thrive on it (although I'm definitely not getting into a debate about it on mumsnet ).

Depending on how the birth goes, you might need a hand physically for a couple of weeks, but apart from that it should be do-able. So if you've got a friend who could give a you week or so after the birth, or even if someone could help out with the nursery run it should be OK.

Also, longer term, if you can afford a cleaner or a home help, that would make a huge difference.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. My mum was in exactly the same situation in the 60s. Her parents lived on the other side of the world so she had no choice but to manage without them. She has always said that she coped because she had to.

I think the suggestion to increase your DDs hours at nursery well before the birth is sensible. It might also be worth getting in touch with your HV to see if Surestart can help.

It is great that you have friends around you who will help. It is really important that you are never too scared / embarassed to ask for help. I often think people are willing to help if they are asked, but they don't want to impose themselves on you if you haven't asked, because they don't want to cause offense (by assuming that your not coping with something when you are).

I hope everything goes well for you.

Hi Tunnocks. I'm really sorry you have lost your DH, that's just awful.

For what it's worth, I was alone when I was expecting ds2, and had a 3-4yo as well.

When ds2 was born, we very quickly settled into a routine...my mum helped out with cleaning and taking ds1 a couple of times a week, but otherwise, we were just fine...ds1 still slept in the main bed with me and ds2, there was a lot of quiet breastfeeding, and some wriggling which upset ds1 initially! but mainly ds1 slept pretty well, and so did ds2.
The days were slow and lovely - it was June, it was warm and quiet and I was lucky to be blessed with a good baby!
Ds1 had a few issues with jealousy but otherwise he was great...he was at pre school before the birth but hated leaving me, you will have to go with what your dd is like - maybe she loves it - but ds1 stopped as soon as ds2 came along, and had no problems with starting school later that year. Frankly it was easier for me to plan our day around the baby than around pre school.

we set low targets, had very few commitments, and just hung about really. It was such a wonderful time, and so far removed from what I had expected, ie two screaming kids and no time to do anything.
We just got on with the basics and enjoyed the bonding.

the best bit, you will find, is watching the development of a bond between your children...this is something I had not anticipated and is quite, quite separate from your bond with each of them. It's unique and very special, the way they will get on.
I wish you a peaceful birth and a lovely summer. Take things slowly, do not worry, just do what you need to...nothing more. This is your family, you get to make the decisions and to choose the pace of your lives.
Much love x

...and unless you are very poorly after the birth, which I hope you won't be - you will be fine at night.
Nobody stayed the night apart from the very first one, and in fact mum didn't need to be there really - it was just for my peace of mind, and in case ds1 needed something getting from downstairs, because I was quite wobbly.
but that was the only time she stayed.
HTH.

So, so sorry to hear that.

There are paid options - some doulas will do the odd overnight and you can also have a night nanny lined up in case you feel the need for rest but they can be expensive.

A mother's help will do anything that needs doing around the house. I find they come in 2 varieties - young, unqaulified aspiring nannies and older Granny types - it depends what you feel comfortable with and who you want around you. You may find a childcare student from a local college who will come and help in the evenings for a bit of extra cash to take the pressure off you a bit.

If you can't find one you like then get someone in to at least do the cleaning.

Your parents don't sound like they'd be very helpful in this situation so perhaps it's better to keep them at arms length.

tunnocks, what a brave lady, what a pride you would be for your husband. I have no advice to give you, as I don't even have children of my own. I just wanted to say that I have no doubt a person like you will find the way around any difficulty. Sorry I cannot be more useful, fortunately there are many other ladies here who are giving you excellent advice. Best wishes and congratulations for your soon-to-arrive DC2.

See if you can get help from HomeStart too. They are fab and have all kinds of support and can send a volunteer a few hours a week to help you with practical things as well as emotional support. My HomeStart volunteer is a lifesaver.

Home Start

Tunnocks - where abouts are you? I'm sure there are lots of MN'ers who could help a little?

you are being so strong.
I think a mothers help would be the way to go with practical help. Someone that can just muck in with whatever needs doing and help with the children. How old is your daughter?
Don't feel guilty about putting her into nursery, they get used to it very quickly and she will be playing and learning with other children her own age. Rather than getting under your feet and stressing you out, she will feel it if you are stressed and tired.
I don't think the first couple of months are particularly hard, it's just all a bit of a blur, but I do think sometimes you just go to auto-pilot to get through it.
you will need some emotional support though, what about friends rather than family? Or just some company after DD has gone down?
you really don't need people in your house that will make you feel uncomfortable, even if they are your family.
good luck x

I just wanted to say good luck, got to pop out now,

fliight that was a lovely post.

much hugs.

I am sorry for your loss

I was on my own with dd2 and dd1 was 6, I though have a great relationship with my dad - he was there to support me when dd2 was born and a family friend looked after dd1 in the mifddle of the night..

I went back to my dad's house the day after dd2 was born adn stayed there and let him look after me for the first 10 days.

i think dd1 would have been sad if she hadn't been as envoled as she was.

When i was home I did just get on with things and luck dd2 was a good baby.

i even decorated with dd2 inthe garden in her pram and did cook and bake.

I think you can do it but being organside will probably be the easiest to get along.

I really feel for you as it will be so many tears when this baby is born and that special person not being there is going to be so tough, don't hold it in though as you need to grieve

Seconding the idea of a mother's help: That is, someone who'll put on a load of washing, take the older child out, help make meals and clean.

I'm so so sorry for your loss tunnocks. The same thing happened to me, though I was pg with first baby when my DH died. Obviously it is tough coping with a baby and all the emotional strain - but it is doable.

I would second all those who suggest a mothers help or similar to do the housework and chores. Then you can concentrate on the baby and your DD. I would get whatever help you can afford.

Can you ask your friends for practical help like having DD for an hour / coming to play with her for an hour / making you dinner and a spare portion for the freezer / helping with DIY stuff if needed?

A good suggestion is to write a list of things that need doing and ask your friends to choose something from it. People are usually desperate to help and feel pretty useless because there is very little that can be done to make you feel better. however, there is lots that can be done to make your life a little easier.

In terms of emotional support - have you seen these websites here and here. They proved to be a real lifeline for me.

Very sorry for your loss....

I was 6 months with DD when my OH died. My DS was 10, though, so a bit more help.

I had a dreadful relationship with my Mum at that time and got absolutely no help from her whatsoever - in fact, I don't think she saw DD more than once or twice during the time I was on maternity leave (but that's another story).

Doing it all on your own is doable, but if you can get a mother's help, it would take some of the pressure off you..... But what Fliight said about having low targets, that's the key, I think. Then the pressure doesn't start to build. It was unfortunate that I had all the night feeds to do by myself, but then spent the next day just taking things really slowly to conserve my energy.

Hope that it all goes well for you.

Oh, another thing, there's a website that you've probably heard of - merry widow me. I lurk on there (still) and there are quite a few mums in our position.....

oh and no, don't get your parents down if you don't think they will actually be helpful in practical or emotional terms. will just make you more tense and sad.

IN terms of emotional support have you found WAY yet.

We seem to have quite a few members in your position and you might find it helpful to talk to others in the same position.

I am so sorry to hear this

Where abouts are you? I'm sure there will be some MNers nearby who would be willing to help, even if it was just getting shopping.

So sorry to hear about this tunnocks.
My Mother's help is £8.50 an hour and I'm in herts if htat helps with your budgeting.
Whoever it was who said about being specific with help is right too.
I also remember someone saying, don't let any visitor hold the baby until they've done somthing to help (wash up, make you a cuppa etc)
For pre-freezing stuff for when the baby comes, try some foil takeaway style trays (quite cheap on ebay) and then you just have to take out of freezer to defrost, chuck in oven and then no washing up afterwards. RESULT