DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

Hi Tunnocks,
I've been reading your thread from the start and have just sat here in tears, each time, not knowing what to say, so I've not. I'm so sorry for that.

Clearly, I'm more sorry for you loosing your husband,at anytime, let alone whilst pregnant.
I live in London, but am south london, although my brother lives near to you and I often go up there to get away from our life here, me and DD are on our own, but for such different reasons and do get together when DH work allows him to be home. SO, nothing at all like you are going through, utterly insensitive to even mention, but, just wanted to say I can come and be around to help, my DD is 3 and loves just playing with other littlies, even if we just were able to do that for you, so you can have some time with your baby when born or before?

I wish, more than anything I could be actually helpful and love to be nearer. I just feel for you SO much.

Have you got someone to go to the inquest with you on Tuesday? Would you like me to come with you? I know i'm a complete stranger, but, I'd be so happy to come with you if you need the support. I'm also a nurse, so might be able to help, a little with any of the medical stuff if your not sure what it means etc...

Anyway, I'm just So so sorry, and I'm sure part of my post is totally insensitive and I really apologise for that.

I wish I could do something for you. Anything. PLease let me know if there is anything at all.
Susie.

Oh, ps you can email anytime, if you want, and I'll also give you my number then, if you'd like it, again, you can then call or text anytime day or night. my mail is : susie brett at mac dot com the name is obviously all one word, and you can work out the rest!

I will be thinking of you on the 8th, but like I say, am happy to join you for support if that is your need.

Sorry for such a long post, and equally sorry if i've said anything to offend.

I've not read all of the thread but like thumbwitch I am in a different time zone (Pacific, 8 hours behind you) so if you're awake and need a shoulder I am here.

thanks for sharing that t. What a terrible thing for you to have to deal with, and I am sure the not knowing makes it all the more painful.

How did you meet?

so sorry to hear of your loss
sending huge strength to you x

Tunnocks Try not to worry about the baby (easier said than done!) I used to worry so much about the effect of all the stress. My DD is a beautiful, cheeky, bright, chirpy 2.5yo now. She was a placid baby which made things easier.

The advice about the CS is good. My hospital let me come home without another adult being in the house. My Mum brought me home and ran away. I was left with DS (who was 10.5yo at the time) and a newborn. Eek! It's do-able, but absolutely not to be recommended....

I hope that tomorrow goes as OK as these things can. Just remember, take it back to basics - breathe in and breathe out again and keep on doing that..... It's going to be a hard one..... You take care of yourself... x

Tunnocks,
Just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Try not to have any expectations of how you will be feeling and don't let others suggest how you 'should' be feeling either. These particularly difficult days tend to hit you in odd ways, as I'm sure you know.

X

P.S. Will keep an eye on this thread tomorrow if you need to post - I'm sure everyone else will do the same.

Hi (I was BrownNotCameronPlease)

Haven't posted on this thread in a while, sorry.

Just to say I am thinking of you really

Also to let you know, I need to double check, but i think i have the last week in July and first 3 in August, off work.
If you want a hand with ANYTHING from cooking to cleaning to childcare, please please don't hesitate to ask. I am at your disposal if you would like

You can email me at e l reed @hotmail . co. uk (without spaces)

With love and best wishes xxxx

Oh and ANY weekend I am available!

And this is a genuine offer

Hi tunnocks. Also thinking of you today and hoping that the whole process is bearable at the very least.

I know that we can look strong on the outside whilst crumbling on the inside - but all others see is the "strong" person ... don't feel that you have to keep up that strong facade.

Here if you need me.

xx

Hi Tunnocks

Hope you're feeling ok (pregnancy wise that is) - its always hard the last few weeks/days before you're due - hard on the body and emotions in any case. Not sure how close it is now but am thinking of you and the new baby.

Still lurking around,if you need anything.

I really hope the birth goes well for you too.

Not much to say at this late hour (should be sleeping really) just wanted to send a little message of support to you.

Also, and please don't think I'm some weirdo, but I think our DDs have met in RL.
I read your earlier post about the leg rash and your DH and it made me think so.
I have a nanny who comes once a week so I can attend physio and she took DD to some playgroup a couple of weeks ago where she met a nanny friend of hers who was looking after an extra girl that day on behalf of an 8 months pregnant lady whose DH had recently passed away and something about a leg rash.

Anyway it made me think it may have been your DD and it certainly made me think of you and how you are doing.

Hope you're doing ok (or at least okish) and you're managing to find some time for yourself.

xxx

have been thinking of you and hope the day wasn't as awful as it could be...well sure it was even worse but wanted you to know you are in our thoughts.

tunnocks - I just read this & am so sorry for your loss. Can I help out at all? I work in Finsbury Park very part-time, & are often up there with my 2 year old daughter (we live in Brixton). Please please do ask me or the other mums on this thread who live nearby to help out. I can't imagine being in your situation. You can email me on iskra eats at gmail dot com - without spaces etc.

Thanks all so much for checking up on me. I've been so exhausted after the adrenaline of Tuesday I've pretty much been asleep since.

The relief that the inquest is over is starting to wear off and reality is setting in again and I'm just so angry/grumpy.

The inquest was so stressful- the lawyers and the coroner were still discussing possible adjournment even once we were all sat in court. Then I was told a few minutes before taking the stand that the post mortem report was in, so I had to hear it for the first time in court. It was so hard hearing how DH's lungs were so filled with fluid they were 3 x normal size. It must have been so painful for him to breathe. I feel awful as he had told me he was having difficulty breathing but I thought he was exaggerating. After giving my evidence, it was like you say lonelytraveller like being in a play or film. It seemed so distant from real life. I was pleased that the coroner ivestigated everything thoroughly and so at least from that respect it didn't feel like it was being rushed through to tick boxes. However, he decided that DH died from a common bacterial infection which is treatable and had DH been given the right advice he likely would still be here. That is something which is slowly sinking in and I don't know how I'm not going to let it eat away at me. At the moment I'm blaming myself for not sending him to hospital rather than being angry at the doctor who advised him. I feel so responsible.

My anger is also directed at our 'old' friends. Only one supported me through the day. The rest didn't even contact me beforehand, and then as soon as the rumour got out that there might be medical negligence, I was suddenly deluged with 'outraged' calls and did I want to go for a drink to tell them more? er no, I've been in court for 6 hours and am shattered and don't really want to go over the last moments of DH's life again, plus have you forgotten I'm a lone parent now with a toddler and can't just go out and that I'm 32 weeks pregnant and can't really have a drink! Grr! I told one person that I was hurt that noone turned up and he said he thought it would be harder with friends there! I am now completely ignoring my phone, I really can't face speaking to any of them right now, I'm so angry. Not sure if this is fair or not but I just can't be bothered.

lonelytraveller- thanks so much for your advice, I did read it (and indded the other posts) before the inquest but just felt too sad to reply. Are the criminal proceedings still ongoing? They must have opened alot of wounds for you. Am thinking of you x

Ars- you are a mindreader- I've spent so much time googling and I'm really stuck with the what ifs and if onlys. I feel like I'm living several parallel lives all at once. I'm sorry you had to read the pm report on your own- it's so cold, there's no warmth or even an indication of the fact that the person talked about was recently a loving, kind husband and father. Your dd2 sounds fantastic and an amazing relection of you.

Susie- how in anyway could I be offended by your post? It's a lovely post and the support, whether online or in RL just helps push me forward that little way more or at least takes the edge off the loneliness.

lemony- thanks also for the reassurance about your dd- she sounds so cute. I think I've been taking the midwives mantra' your baby feels what you feel etc' a bit too much to heart. I will also make a back up plan re c sections- I must start making lists, my brain is mush. The breathing advice was very helpful- I felt really faint before I gave evidence and my face felt numb, the slow breathing really helped.

milknosugar- I will email you for sure; the baby is due at the start of August and I am beginning to feel whale like, hungry and unable to bend!

goingpostal- thanks love, I have been told I look as though I'm 'normal' which is I guess why alot of friends havent thought I might need help.

skandi- that doesn't sound weird at all. I'm sure the dds must have met. Does your nanny look after your dd on a wednesday?

evie and iskra, thankyou ladies, you're very kind

Hi tunnocks,

I haven't posted previously but have been following your thread with sincere sympathy and admiration for what a strong and brave person you are.
I have been thinking about you alot and cannot imagine what you are going through.
Please keep talking here though, you are not on your own.
I really hope your friends in rl realise what you need from them and can be the friends you deserve at this horrific time.

I hope you are ok tunnocks. ((((hugs))))

hi tunnocks. what a terrible day for you to get through. well done on that at least. you must be exhausted, numb and disbelieving all over again. the whole pm thing is just horrible. don't know how I got through DH's really and cannot imagine doing it in your circs.

very late so this is short but I am here to try and help if possible.
xx

Gosh what a monumental day you had to go through....and what an awful experience. Without being a pro in any of this your feelings of guilt must be a very usual impact of such thing...not that it makes you feel better but you must must must know that it was in no way your fault. Let's be honest as wonderful as your dh was men are terrible patients and you suggesting the hospital to him would no doubt have been met with a 'don't be ridiculous face. Now I know if I were you I'd be thinking I could have insisted but you didn't know, nor did he, nor did anyone so the truth is nothing could have changed...and it totally wasn't your fault....I don't know if you believe in God and this isn't the place for that so forgive me for even mentioning it but I hope for your sake you have some belief because the circumstances were so extraordinary you have to believe your DH was meant to leave you then - He has a big plan for him....devastatingfor you...but big plans. He must have been an amazing man to be singled out...
And as for the anger you feel towards your friends - I think you have every right to feel anger - i also think....anger is a good strong emotion and in some ways it's good to have an outlet to rightly focus on...so damn those friends - get angry about it - it's an emotion that does no good but it's there because quite frankly your whole story is the most emotional thing and anger is a big part of it....and secretly I think they are being crap so I'm a bit angry with them too!
I send you cyber love and hugs, and again ask forgiveness if any part of this message isn't appropriate.

Sounds like a very difficult week you have had, no wonder you are tired.
I have sent you an email.

Grief, what a trial that was...... I'm not surprised that you're sad and angry.

Take your time over things. Don't rush. Most of all, don't feel guilty. Which is a hell of a lot easier to say than to do.

I still get the odd pangs of guilt about my OH. We thought he'd been getting migraines and they were mini-strokes. I know what you mean about IF ONLY!!! If you ever want to "chat" - please shout out on here and I'll let you have my email address. I don't get much time to get out and about as I have DS and DD and work full-time.

hi tunnocks, I have just come back to this thread as I too was shattered after Tuesday (hearing postponed, but only told once we were already in court).

I wish I could give some wise advice but I'm still struggling myself and of course everyone's situation is different. But I did want to say that that pain of regret you feel now, the "if only" thoughts that dominate, do start to soften with time. I still think about all the things we could have done differently, the dozens of ways we could have acted just slightly differently, any one of which would have meant we were not in that place at that time. It is just so shocking that any individual, seemingly insignificant, decision can change your lives forever, and when you have children you feel the responsibility of the effect on their lives as well. The difference is that I don't think about it all the time anymore, and when I do it is more with a heavy sadness rather than the searing, knife-twisting pain of before.

One thing that helped me was that after some months I saw a counsellor who pointed out that my obsessive thoughts about how I could have acted differently were my mind's way of trying to change the outcome - even after so many months. I remember sometimes catching myself momentarily believing I had found a "way out" of the sequence of events and that I could still change things. It didn't suddenly make things better, but it did help me be more aware of why I was torturing myself and as a result be a bit kinder to myself.

Another thing that helped was to deliberately obsess about something else, e.g. when I was at your stage I had to buy a car and carseat, so spent hours and hours online comparing reviews etc. It just gave my mind a rest by blocking out other thoughts, and I needed that to get through to the end of the pregnancy.

As for your baby, I hope I too can reassure you as my baby is now a year old and the calmest, happiest baby I have ever met, certainly the easiest and most content of all my children. Whatever the future holds, he is surrounded by so much love from the rest of us and the few true friends that have stayed the course that I think he will be ok.

Tunnocks - have just caught up with this thread again. Hope you are feeling a bit less dazed now.

I am so that most of your "friends" are so incompetent - how unkind of them not to support you until they think there are more gruesome details to go into! What a bunch of rubbernecking harpies they are (the men as well).

I hope you still have a few who are truly supporting you.

It may or may not be of any further help to you if I speculate here - but it sounds a little like your DH had an idiosyncratic reaction to the bacterial infection, if his lungs were all filled with fluid. It sounds a bit like an immune system overreaction, creating a "cytokine storm" which resulted in the fluid response. This is the sort of thing that some people with bird flu actually died of - the immune over-response to the virus, rather than the actual virus.
If so, there may have been nothing that anyone could have done, even if he had gone to hospital or had antibiotics earlier.

I think lonelytraveller's post is excellent as well - you are trying to change the outcome, it's like watching a replay of a sportsmatch and somehow wishing the score would be different.

My mum died when I was 19w pg, and while it in no way equates to your level of stress, I'd like to add that my DS is also a calm, happy boy at 2.6yo with no obvious ill effects from the stress I had in pg.

(((hugs))) for you - and for lonetraveller too - so hard to have to deal with, without postponements adding to the stress.

Tunnocks, I have been offline. What a fucking awful, awful day and I'm shocked by your friends. Rubbernecking is just the word. It's a familiar old scenario, I'm afraid - the people who will offer help in a way you cannot possibly take up ('Oh, if you want to meet up sometime really unspecific and come out for a drink somewhere miles away that you can't get to, I'm always here'...). I hope you have friends too, who will say 'I can take DD on X date for a couple of hours' or 'I'm dropping off a meal, be at the door if you feel like a chat, or not if you don't'.

Ah, the 'looking normal' trap. It's very tempting to say things that make people feel uncomfortable, isn't it? Just to remind them that, no, things are very far from normal.

Parallel lives - that's just it. I can't do anything - even the smallest thing - without imagining the same event but with him there.

I'm so sorry you had to hear such cold, hard details in the inquest. I had similar feelings of guilt - that terrible sick, sinking feeling, the fretting over OH being in pain. I don't know whether this might help, but it helps me a little to remember the worst physical state I have ever been in and to remember how with the pain came a feeling of calm, passivity almost - a sense that things were going on around me but I didn't need to worry about them. Perhaps it was the same for our OHs... I don't know... I apologise if I have overstepped the mark.

Oh, Tunnocks . I am thinking of you and hoping that you have managed some rest.

Just a thought - do you have all the baby equipment/clothes you think you might need? You've no doubt got stuff from DD1, but maybe she's still in the cotbed or you have things that no longer work/clothes that are the wrong season. I no longer need my steriliser, crib, 0-3 month summer clothes, 3-6 month woolies, Grobags, swaddling cloths etc. and could get them to you no probs if you need them.

XXXX

Hi Tunnocks,

Hope you're feeling a bit less stress now. Also hoping that your friends in RL are more supportive now.

I do also hope you're able to put your feet up for the rest of the pregnancy now. If not, let me know and I would be happy to try and help in some way.

My nanny does indeed look after my DD on a Weds. I guess the spent time in the same baby group that day. My DD is only 11 months though.

Seriously though, do you need any food/meal dropped off?

Let me know.

xxx

Hi Tunnocks how are you doing?

An offer of help is still here xxxxxx

I was wondering how Tunnocks was doing...

Bump xx