DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

Hello there - just an update from tunnocks, who I've been in touch with.

Baby girl arrived unexpectedly and quickly on Thursday morning!

A lovely but very poignant event I imagine.

Thats wonderful, please send her congratulations!

A bittersweet occasion I would think

Could you also let her know, I have 2 weeks off work as of a next (3rd Aug) tuesday, am more then happy to offer a hand in any way, shopping cleaning etc

I offered earlier and my email address is on this thread (e l reed@ hotmail co uk)

Is a very genuine offer for any help at all

thank you, MilkNoSugarPlease

What lovely news! Very poignant though. Please pass on my best wishes. I hope that Tunnocks' as OK as she can be.

Hello Tunnocks. I'm so glad that your new baby girl has arrived safely.

Our second dd was born nine weeks after her older sister died unexpectedly. I can't really remember much about getting through those first months with new baby and massive thundering loss. Bewildering, all wrong, cruel and unfair, and yet, it happens. I couldn't conveive of how to get through it, but we did, and dd2 is now coming up to two years old, thriving and happy in spite of it all. We have even managed to cope with her being ill a few times without being too twitchy.

I'd echo what others have said about the "what ifs". For me they were very much part of trying to make it all un-happen, and they came even though we were assured repeatedly that nothing could have changed the outcome for dd. I'd don't torture myself with it so much now, so it seems that it's a part of the grieving process that just has to be gone through along the way.

Sending you love, zeno.

Tunnocks, I was really glad to hear that your little baby girl arrived safely. I hope you have lots of support and that you are managing physically as well as mentally. Those first days are a shock, even if you hadn't been sleeping well before the birth.

I hope your friends are rallying around. I found that quite a few of mine seemed to think that DD2's birth was some kind of watershed moment, that things would automatically be better from then on because I'd have 'something to concentrate on' or well, 'new life and all that'. I think I had even tried convincing myself of the same thing. Needless to say, it doesn't quite work like that, does it? For quite some time I felt worse.

I am quite ashamed to say it, but I took some time to love her properly. I was on a very short fuse with DD1 too. Still am much angrier than I'd like to be, really, but better than those early days. For a while - a few months even - I thought I'd never be able to look at her without feeling immense sadnesss. I can, though. It's bittersweet of course, but I can feel real happiness wallowing in her gorgeous babyness.

I am thinking of you lots, Tunnocks. To use a ghastly phrase, be gentle on yourself. Getting through each day is an achievement in itself right now, so don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect - or even passable.

Lots of love
X

Just caught up with this - so pleased to hear that your little girl has arrived safely and I hope you are coping with things. As ArsMamatoria says, just take it easy - ask for help if and when you need it, or even if you'd just like it - plenty of people will be just waiting to give you a hand if you just give them the nod.

(((hugs))) to you, your family and the new baby.
xx

thank you for your posts. I've been really struggling the past couple of weeks. The birth itself wasn't as bad as I feared. I guess the need to organise myself and dd1 beforehand and then the actual pain of labour took my mind off things. But since then it's as though floodgates have opened in my brain and I cannot stop thinking of DH. DD2 looks incredibly like him. We had worried so much about how DD1 would react to her and she has been great, really loving and involved. However, I just can't stop crying. Everything in the house triggers off memories, even though I've seen them day in day out before and didn't react. When the girls are being lovely I cry because DH is missing out and when they are difficult I cry because I feel life is so unfair. Everywhere seems to be full of happy couples sharing their baby. I'm just so tired it makes it all the worse. DD1's sleep has got worse and I'm up at least twice a night with her as well as all the night feeds, and dd2 won't sleep in the day unless in the sling. I feel a grouchy tearful wreck and guilty for the girls because of it. I went to the GP to talk about PND and antidepressants but was told I had to wait until my 6 week check which is still a couple of weeks away. I know things will get easier with any baby but I feel so bad about wishing time away rather than revelling in DD2. It's as though I'm feeling DH's loss for the first time again and RL friends don't seem to get that. Several of you lovely ladies have offered food parcels- I would love to take you up on that offer. I seem to be living on biscuits and chocolate right now

Hang on in there Tunnocks. The lack of sleep is brutal enough without the utter misery and desperation of those long night hours remembering how things were last time round. I had the Samaritans' phone number pinned above my phone for those nights. If you ever feel you need a rather more frank discussion about the night-time crises, I am here (GoingPostal has my email contact details - don't really feel I could be honest enough about the experience in public on here). The nights will ease off a bit, even if it seems like an age away.

It would be hypocritical of me to tell you to stop feeling guilty about being grouchy with the girls, but the fact that DD1 has been loving and involved with DD2 must show that she is feeling secure and loved herself, mustn't it? Hold on to that - however guilty you may feel, you are giving her what she needs and that is something to congratulate yourself for right now.

I do a LOT of wishing time away. At first it was 'can't wait until she can be distracted by something other than me', then 'can't wait until she can be put down without screaming', then 'can't wait until she can hold a toy for herself'... you get the picture. Of course you're going to wish things were easier and of course you can't revel in DD2 in quite the same way as you did DD1. This is not something to feel guilty about. Setting small targets is a survival technique.

Your friends in RL. You said earlier in this thread that they had initially responded well to the letter that (I think) DadInsteadofMum had suggested. Do you think something similar but tailored to your situation might help with galvanising them into offering some specific and practical help like getting meals, doing the cleaning and taking the girls out of the house for a walk so you can catch up with some sleep? I would be very happy to draft a 'letter from a stranger who has been through those early days'. I am crap at asking for help from others, but have taken up a few such offers.

Thinking of you as always, Tunnocks, and hoping that tonight is one that brings a little more sleep for you.

Tunnocks

Congratulations on the birth of your DD.

Have you contacted an organisation called Homestart? They can offer practical and emotional support for new parents. You can self refer or your HV/GP can.

Tunnocks,

I've been lurking on this thread for a while - didn't contribute as not experience and tbh just wanted to send support and hugs as there seemed to be lots of good practical advice from better qualified/experienced MNrs.

From my humble perspective, it sounds like you are doing a bloody marvellous job for yourself and both your daughters, all things considered. Your DH would be immensely proud of you.

Re: food parcels. Could we organise something between MNrs? I am about 150 miles away but could do a batch of cooking and look at postal/courier to you if that helps? I often do a massive cooking session to get lots of individually packed meals in the freezer ready for prick and ping in the microwave when I am too knackered to even open a tin.

Hi Tunnocks, it's good to hear from you.

I think the wishing away is completely normal - it was certainly my experience when d2 was born. I got through with head down and gritted teeth, hating every moment of it pretty much.

One thing that worked out well for me was switching to bottle feeding, when dd2 was just two weeks old. Not something I would have planned on doing at all but it came down to survival, and bfing was something I could let go of without doing any harm to dd2. I did feel some guilt for not putting her first, but there are times when it's OK, and in fact, necessary, to cut yourself some slack. It meant I could take anti-depressants without worrying, and diazepam when needed.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Tunnocks.

Hi tunnocks :)

Nice to hear from you, sorry its a crap time

An offer of an extra pair of hands at the weekend is.still here, am only up the road in Hornsey so can easily get to you, please don't hesitate to ask...please!

I would offer some food parcels but Nigella I am not :) but am offering some shopping from Waitrose, nice ready meals etc

Is a genuine offer....my email address is on page 2 if this thread I believe.

Please look after yourself xxxx

Hi Tunnock,

I sent you a CAT message via mumsnet (I've only just worked out how to do this...).

Please get in touch when you hopefully recieve that via your email and I will arrange some food parcels for you.

Congrats on your DD!!!!

Honestly get in touch soon as you can!

xxx

Tunnocks - Grit your teeth and repeat after me "this will pass", "this will pass". I had the same thing with the night feeds. It was the worst time. The radio on, the songs, the sight of his dressing gown on the bedroom door hook etc. etc. Be kind to yourself and don't forget that your managing single handed and you've got raging hormones on the loose too. You WILL get through this.

You are doing fantastically well. Take each hour at a time, don't plan too far ahead. Don't forget to breathe in and then out, in and then out....

Please, please shout out again - I can drive up of a weekend (with my kids if you don't mind that) and do some shopping, or cooking or housework...... x

Tunnocks - I haven't posted before as I am more of a lurker and, even if I wasn't, I just didn't know what to say.

However, I think of you often and I was so sorry to read your last post. If there is ever anything that I can do to help then (just echoing everyone else) please just message me. I love cooking too and would be delighted to send you some care packages if that would be of help.

If not, then I hope it gives you just a little bit more strength and hope to know that you and your lovely DDs are not alone and as Lemony says, "You WILL get through this". Together.

I hope you might be able to post again soon and that things will be just a little bit brighter. If not, I am thinking of you all and wishing you lots of virtual hugs and handholding.

Tunnocks - just checking back in, so sorry I haven't done so for a while.

Really just to say that you can use the personal messaging system on here now (in case it had passed you by) - click on the little envelope right at the top of the page next to where it says Logout and then you can send private messages to any mumsnetter free of charge. As far as I know it is secure - no one other than the MNer you send the message to can see it. When you get a message in your inbox, a red blob will appear on the envelope.

I hope that helps - I would indeed send you food parcels if I could but it's not going to work too well from Australia, sorry. :(

I hope that now you are a few more weeks down the line you are finding it a little easier to cope and that your GP has been more helpful.

Big unMNly (((hugs))) to you all.

Hi Tunnocks - just popped back in to see if you had been back.

I hope things are getting just a little bit easier.

Tunnocks, I sent a private message and hope all is ok x

I have just read this from start to finish and feel so sorry for you and your lovely daughters. I think you are amazing. I love how honest you are being as you have to know you are important too and not just your children.

I live in Kent and if I can help in anyway please ask. I can't remember where I have put DD's baby clothes but if there is anything you need send me a PM and I will have a look.

Hope all is well with you :)

Hi Tunnocks - was just passing and thought I would say hello.

Hope all well with you and the girls.

Big hugs

x

Tunnocks, my wife's funeral was on Tues and I am feeling the whole range of emotions every minute of every day. I am not so far away so if you ever want a chat or anything, please let me know - I mean that sincerely. x

Tunnocks, thinking about you today, I hope you are getting through ok, especially at the weekend as it seems harder somehow. Give us an update when you are able.
x

I can't begin to thank you all for still posting and for those of you that have messaged me privately- I will respond properly soon. This is the first time I've been near the internet for ages. DD2 is a rotten sleeper and the sheer exhaustion has really beaten me mentally. I feel like I'm just hanging on and the world at large is merrily carrying on as normal. The anniversary of DH's death is unbelieveably fast approaching and I'm dreading it. But in a way I'm panicking more that this feeling of loneliness/ anger/ exhaustion and the relentless slog of daily life will be with me forever

dd2 is finally asleep so I'm going to attempt to do the same but will check in properly as soon as I can. I'm trying drastic sleep 'training'. Another thing to feel crap about as there are enough tears in the house already

5 months of no sleep is brutal Tunnocks - please try not to feel crap about trying drastic measures. I did with DD2 as screaming 'FFS! FFS! FFS!' over and over again while punching the wall wasn't doing anyone any favours . regular Occasional light use of wax ear plugs helped , just to take the edge off. Clawing back a modicum of control is a significant thing and you just have to do what you can to achieve it. DD2 can get herself quite happily to sleep now (was 8 or so months old when I did the sleep training - wish I'd done it earlier).

I know what you mean about the fear things will be this way forever. It feels like it doesn't it? It'll be 18 months for me in a couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel as if I don't even want to be ok again, iyswim? Desperately trying to cling on I suppose.

It would be interesting to hear from people 8,9,10 years on...

Tunnocks I really hope you have managed to get some sleep by the time you read this. As for responding 'properly' - I'm sure everyone would rather you didn't fret about writing emails and messages when you should be sleeping. Post when you can, if you need to. I speak as someone who hasn't listened to her answerphone messages since mid December, so my advice may be skewed of course...

Lots of love and thinking of you as ever.
X