DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

Thanks! But I think I need to change it after today...preferably to something like ComeBackBrown...Please

I am absolutely happy to offer any help I can! Although I may leave cooking to others! (nanny? yes, gourmet cook? nooo! )

Feel free to email me if you want e underscore l underscore reed @ hotmail . co . uk (except the spaces!)

Sending a ton of love and hugs!

Tunnocks - just wanted to drop in and say that I hope today was less exhausting for you.

Is the inquest soon (hope not too intrusive a question) and have you got a friend/family member who will be there to help you through it?

Thinking of you...

Hi tunnocks - just to say hello and see how your weekend is going. Weekends can be especially crappy ime. Hope you're as ok as you can be.

Thanks ladies. The exhaustion is really getting me down. I felt I reached breaking point last week- DD was up all night several nights in a row due to teething and demanding daddy 'NOT mummy' for comfort, resulting in lots of tears and snapping from me. The tiredness started my morning sickness off again and so spent a couple of days vomiting and feeling very cross with the world. A lovely friend came and looked after dd and me for the day making us food and wiping away my tears, I don't know how i would have managed otherwise.

I'm finding I'm so ratty and annoyed with 'old' friends and those who knew DH. After I sent them all an email with the 'how you can help' they made all the right noises and then nothing. I had to go to a wedding this weekend which was really tough, noone mentioned DH despite a big group of our friends being there who have known us both for over 10 years. When I broke down and said I'd had an awful week, I got told off 'why didn't you call' er were you not listening?? in between vomiting,pacing around with a crying toddler and literally summoning up the energy to put my pjs on when was I supposed to have the energy for a chat?? To make me more furious, 2 of them had seen me briefly at the start of the week and I mentioned how tired I was but didn't hear from them again. The only friends helping me are my antenatal friends that I met with dd1 which is lovely but none really knew DH so I just feel like noone except me talks about him.

Sorry for ranting!

lemony- I'm now lost without lists! my memory is shocking. Will definitely let you know if i join mw

stumped- thank you love. I have just joined WAY though have only been sent details of social events so far, and I'm not really in the mood so far. I read the Rachel Green book a couple of weeks ago- perhaps too early on as I've convinced myself that I have to 'write off' the next few years of my life

Going postal- thanks, you're right. Does the TGI friday feeling ever come back? There's nothing comforting about a friday night and a long weekend ahead.

Ars- not at all intrusive! It's June 8. It feels like it's taking up my every waking hour. The coroner sent me the reports submitted by the out of hours doctors etc and I've been pouring over them. They've really annoyed me, apart from whether or not mistakes were made, the poor english and lack of accuracy of basic facts (DH's name, day of consultation, which leg had the rash etc) just seem so disrespectful. I've been called to a meeting with the out of hours GPs tomorrow and am feeling sick at the thought of it.

How are you ladies doing?

Tunnocks Unfortunately, what your friends have done is par for the course. Over on mw, people are always complaining about it. It's happened to me too. So now I don't bother with them.

The ratty thing is totally normal too. I STILL get like it over 2 years down the line..... I think it's just one of those things that you have to ride. Go with the flow etc. and all those other things that you have to do.....

My DD was teething for over a year and I was getting up for work every morning having had pretty much no sleep. Or having had it broken every hour or so.... It's a nightmare. I'm now 47 and look 107

I'm not much help am I? Sorry, but just wanted you to know that you can and will get through this. And to reiterate my comment about keeping on shouting out. You don't need to "join" mw, you can just post on there. I'll know you when you do.

I'm sorry to hear that the out of hours doctors' report is poor. It does seem disrespectful, and I hope that you get some answers at your meeting tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you.

Hi Tunnocks, I've just come across your thread & I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

I didn't have any children when DH died (11 years ago) so can only sympathise with what you and all the other lovely posters on here are going through, but as far as friends "ignoring" my DH by not talking about him - well I didn't give them a chance as I always talked about him. In fact I still talk about him now - am happy to swap stories if you like

Don't have any real advice, but you will get through this. Good luck with everything.

tunnocks, you did so well even to go to a wedding. I avoided them like the plague for .. erm .. years I'm afraid - just didn't think I could deal with the emotion so took the decision to just not go.

I am really sorry to hear about your friends. it is sad and rubbish and awful how the onus has to be on you to ask ask ask - when you have told people you cannot ask, they just need to step in. Do you feel you could email (again, sigh) one of your friends and lay it on the line - tell her that you need practical support, you need people to rally round, and for them to take the initiative and you need someone else to organise that for you and can she or he be that person? You could also say to people that their thoughts and memories about your DH are welcome and anything they would like to share with you would be lovely, and might also help both you and them, as his friends to remember him with happiness.

and am and for you about your DH not being mentioned. That happened to me at an annual gathering of uni friends, first one after DH died. I actually had to ask the friend I'm closest to to say a few words at the end of our meal. I had sat there frozen in disbelief that everyone started the meal chinking glasses, saying happy Christmas, CHeers etc and noone said anything about absent friends even.

in the meantime - just do as little as possible. do you have a cleaner or can you get one even just for a one-off clean to help you keep on top of stuff. just get yourself through each day, concentrate on doing the most you are able to for your dd and retreat to bed if you want. I know it is so bloody hard to keep going because you want to give up - but there is a little person who relies on you too so you have no choice.

I am still here to meet up whenever you would like or feel able. keep posting here, and on mw - there are people who understand.

to your friends for not mentioning DH. And I'm so sorry about all that horrible, horrible paperwork and crapness of communication surrounding the inquest.

I'm sorry about the wedding too, you poor brave girl. Weddings are just absolute shite aren't they? The sick, sinking feeling in your stomach at the vows and the way the adrenaline hits you in waves. That rictus smile you have to paste onto your face because you don't want to 'spoil' the party by grieving, that moment when you notice you've been put either on the singles table or on a table with nothing but couples. The way you make small talk about jobs and the weather with strangers when your opening gambit is really, 'I'm X, my husband died and everything's shit. Tell me, what do you do?'
I've got two to go to this summer, but having been to one in November (3 months after OH died)I think I might have to bail out.

Really, really feel for you on the friends front. I emailed 3 close friends last week and had zilch back. Was feeling absolutely desperate over the weekend, posted as much on Facebook - nothing. I feel like closing my account and telling them all to fuck off then if they didn't mean what they said about 'always being there for me'. Bastards. One girl sent an email announcing her pregnancy, I congratulated her, then got one back going on about how soooo excited they both were and could they have some advice on what's needed as it was all so confusing, oh and p.s. how were the girls and me? Almost replied by saying, 'Well, X and Y, the only maternity stuff I bought last time was a dress for OH's funeral and as for choosing baby stuff, all I was choosing was a coffin for my baby's father'.

Don't you just end up thinking 'how dare you be getting on with your own lives as if nothing has happened?' I have even, awfully, darkly, semi-wished something bad happening to the more insensitive ones, just so they get a taste of how it feels. Feels terrible to admit to that.

So, yeah, I'm right there with you. And if it helps at all, know that even though I don't know you, I am thinking of you and hoping that you are managing to scrape through another day.

Ars- oh f*ck! I just cannot believe your friend and her emails, how bloody insensitive, you must have felt like throwing up. If I was feeling more generous I'd say the hormones clouded her judgement- I had several happy couples arms round each other come up to me at the funeral and tell me they were pregnant too and wasn't it just a great time. But I'm not feeling generous so am completely with you- yes, I've had those dark thoughts quite frequently actually and certainly at the wedding.

I was so cross, I only went to the wedding as it was close to home for an easy escape and lots of friends were going so I could avoid the small talk situation. The groom had even emailed me the seating plan so I felt in safe hands. Wrong! I had that rictus smile throughout as my friends cuddled their partners throughout the ceremony and at the table even whilst they were mid conversation with me. The father of the bride speech finished me off as I hurt so much for dd but i think my friends were too drunk to realise by that point. I've got another wedding this weekend but I think I'm going to pull out and consume my body weight in chocolate.

goingpostal- can't believe your friends didn't mention your DH either. I just don't see how people can sit there and carry on regardless, it's so insensitive as though DH meant nothing and his presence isn't missed. I've followed your advice and emailed again. Lets see. And yes I'm definitely going to investigate cleaners, I'm hoping that will restore some sanity round here.

jetbaby- thanks- I can talk about DH all day long, I just fear I'll scare people off and end up pacing the streets talking to myself.

Lemony- you are helpful, and I can join you on feeling and looking older than my years. My maternity notes list me as geriatric and I'd have to agree with that!

Thanks all for thinking of me, it really does help and I'm thinking of you ladies too

Hi Tunnocks,

Just to let you know I'm still lurking around and the offer of home cooked food is still very much there. And yes I know it will come in much handier once the baby arrives.

Not sure whether I can offer anything else as I don't share your experience. However I do live close to you and would be happy to meet if you felt like it?

If you do think of something else you think I can help with please post it and I'll get on to it.

Do you need someone to go shopping with for baby stuff? Or do you need any baby stuff? My DD is almost 10 months and I have tons of stuff you can have a lend of if you like?

xxxx

So sorry for your loss. I'm in N10 if you ever fancy a coffee and I'm more than happy to help.

tunnocks, just wanted to say hello and see how things are going. I know the inquest is coming up next week so this must be a particularly tough time.

ArsMamatoria and I are planning to meet up in a couple of weeks. If you'd like to join us then, or whenever, drop me a line at nicola (dot) 2008 (at) live (dot) co (dot) uk

I am going to have a bit of an MN break though may check in here now and again - didn't want you to think that I wasn't up for meeting.

Goingpostal- would love to meet you guys, will email once the inquest is out of the way

Have had an awful awful week. A lonely depressing bank holiday and then a whole week of not knowing whether the inquest is going ahead next Tuesday or not. The post mortem report is still not back and have only just heard this morning that they are going ahead without it and will question the pathologist in person instead. This has really upset me as I didn't want to find out anything 'new' on the day, also I'm very very worried that it won't be possible to determine an exact cause of death and I'll be left in limbo. I've got myself so worked up about facing the doctors, giving evidence and hearing the last moments of DH's life. I feel like I have a huge knot in my chest. This has driven me slightly loopy and I'm now convinced I'm going to go into premature labour. On top of that I've had a huge row with the in-laws. We never had a great relationship but I've really tried to make an effort since DH died. Am now facing a rather tense weekend with them.

Skandi- that is so kind. Other than my panic the baby is about to arrive imminently, I haven't really started to think about baby things. Once the inquest is out of the way I'm going to make that my focus and will let you know if there's anything I need to borrow- thank you!

verytelltubby- that's lovely. MNetters are so nice!

Tunncoks I just came across your post and wanted to say hello. I wanted to offer you a cyber hug, to say I'm sorry I can't call you up and chat about your dh, to reminise, to cry with you, to laugh with you and to talk for hours about what should have been....I also wish I could pick up the phone to your friends and give them a big shake and tell them to wake up to the reality of this situation....but anyway - I can't do anything at all so I just wanted you to know that you have my prayers and love and support in this most horrible situation.
I really hope you will find the strength and energy to take up the many offers of help on here...it takes great courage to say yes please so I send you that over the airwaves.
Good luck with everyone and god bless.

thank you evie so much, I needed that x

This is a very long thread and I have only read OP.

Sorry to hear of your terrible loss, which leaves you in a very unusual position.

My initial reaction is that yes, with some paid help and support of kind friends (must be the reliable type though!) you could do without parents staying over, and in your position I'd probably do that myself.

I would also be inclined to put the money you would have spent on extra nursery care, into help around the house, to free you to care for both dc, as dd1 may need reassurance that you are not going to disappear off her radar, like her father.

Tunnocks - so sorry that the inquest isn't looking as conclusive as you'd hoped - fingers crossed for you that you do get the answers you need and that it does give you some kind of (hate this word) "closure" (Argh!)

that your friends were so useless - I know it hardly compares but I went to a wedding shortly after my own fiancé dumped me 3m prior to ours and my friends were actually fairly supportive and aware that I could find it upsetting - am pretty disgusted on your behalf that yours were so insensitive.

Still thinking of you and your DC - it must be so hard when your DD asks for Daddy, I'm sure you just want to burst out "yes, I want Daddy too!"

Big ((hugs)) for you both.

Tunnocks, I couldn't not post after reading your whole thread.
I jsut wanted to give you a virtual cuddle.

I would love to know about your dh - how did you meet? how long were you together? how did he die?

take care

oh tunnocks so sorry it has been an awful week. bank holidays are just rubbish, an extended weekend is not always a good thing for some of us ...

also how horrible about the inquest. do you have someone to support you during this time, and at the inquest itself.

sorry your inlaws are proving tricky, it can be a very difficult relationship at the best of times, but once somethnig so terrible has happened it can really fall apart - everyone is so sore and bruised but grieving in different ways.

keep posting here if it helps. (as you can see my MN holiday hasn't happened!)

thinking of you
x

thanks all for posting. I've cried buckets tonight. I've resigned myself to it being a crappy day. A morning with solicitors, battling through central london with a bump and seeing lots of 'carefree' pregnant women and wishing desperately that I could be one too, then picking up dd1 from nursery to be told she'd started freaking out when other parents started arriving, screaming 'not daddy'. I broke down when they told me this and just couldn't stop, think the heat, hormones and triedness just made it worse. This upset dd1 even more. Finally got her to bed, sat down to watch some crappy comfort tv and my sky box and oven broke simultaneously. I really need a stiff drink.

elasticwoman-that's a really good point. I'm so worried about rocking her little world even more. She's so clingy and calls out alot at night for me. I really don't want her to worry I've pushed her away.

thumbwitch- spot on, thats exactly how I feel. Often I do say that and cry by which time dd has moved on to something different and I'm left reeling. When she's running around avoiding bed and I'm knackered and stranded on the floor like a beached whale trying desperately to get a nappy on her I do feel like shouting 'don't you know what I'm going through'.

Beetroot- that's lovely to ask. We'd been together 12 years having met at work although married for just 3. I still don't know why he died, it was all so quick. A rash on his leg on the saturday night, a visit to the doctor sunday morning for antibiotics, a call back to the doctors sunday night as the rash had spread in which he was advised to see his Gp in the morning. I left him having his breakfast on monday morning and went to work only to receive a call from the ambulance and arrived at the hospital to be told he had died. I still can't believe it and that life can change so quickly. I fear I will never know what caused his death.

goingpostal- my solicitor has been amazing, she's really kind and a great help. Also got a couple of friends going and my parents and in laws. My parents have said they will look after the in laws. I know it sounds mean but I can't really deal with anyone else on the day. I just want to be whisked away and looked after which is what I've primed my friends to do

Tunnocks,
I hope that you have managed to get to bed by now and have actually managed to sleep.

Relay waking and crying from the babes tonight - think DD1 is just starting to stir again again, so have to be quick, but just wanted to say that GoingPostal has my email address. Am always up late for a chat, by phone, email or text - whatever.

Thinking of you - all of you. Sorry such a short message.
XXX

So sorry for your Loss, I am near Windsor if I can be of any help

Tunnocks, I have followed this thread from the beginning but found it too difficult to say anything until now.

I have just had the inquest for my husband, who also died very suddenly when I was half way through my pregnancy. I recognise everything you are feeling about the impeding inquest. There is now a criminal hearing coming up, on the same day as your inquest in fact, and the knot in the chest is there once more.

I did, however, know more or less what would be said at the inquest. I had further questions but the coroner did not call the relevant people as witnesses, so I knew these would not be addressed. Perhaps one day I will be able to find out the answers myself. On the day itself I was remarkably calm and in control. I think it just seemed so unbelievable that I could be sitting there at my own husband's inquest that it felt almost like I was playing a part in a play.

Shortly before the inquest I met with the Coroner's Officer who was very helpful and did obtain some extra information for me that was not even directly related to the inquest. Perhaps your officer would be able to speak to the pathologist on Monday and give you an outline of his findings? I have no idea if my experience was typical, but I did find them more helpful than I expected once I asked for more information than they were offering.

I really hope you get the answers you need.

With regard to your initial post, once the inquest is over perhaps it may be worth putting a back up plan in place with a friend in case you need a c-section. I had an emergency section and ended up having to have my mother to stay because the possibility had never crossed my mind after two previous easy births. I knew it would be awful but I had no choice. The hospital would not discharge me unless I had an adult at home with me for the first 24 hours, and I needed a lot of help for the first few days. Of course it is unlikely that you will need a c-section, but I wish I had thought of the possibility and planned things the way I wanted them.

I hope you get some rest over the next few days, I will be thinking of you
xx

Right, back again (DD2 joined in...).

The uncertainty over the inquest sounds agonising and exhausting. I'm glad you will have lots of support there on the day - of course you don't want to hear 'new' details. I'll bet you've spent a lot of time typing stuff into google, going over symptoms. Each detail needs time to be processed, time for you to get past the sinking feeling of 'could I have done things differently?' to, 'No, given what I knew, that is realistically what I'd do again.' The 'what ifs' are awful , just awful. Is there any chance you will have the PM report before Tuesday? If so, I really would recommend that you have a friend there or on the phone when you read it. I read it on my own and found myself feeling incredibly protective of OH, angry and hurt on his behalf about silly things like the matter of fact way they described his appearance (no, not 'male pattern baldness', that was the head that I would stroke, hold in my arms, kiss every time I went past his chair). And of course there was the frantic googling of every scientific term...

I can only imagine how you must be feeling about giving evidence. They will be gentle with you, though, they must be gentle with you.

Please, please try not to worry about premature labour. I well remember worrying about the same thing and DD2 arrived on her due date. I used to work myself up about the effect of stress hormones on her, too - the adrenaline seemed to be coursing through me constantly. DD2 is absolutely fine - happy, sociable, robust.

Must try to go to bed now as DD2 is going through a 'light-at-4am-so-that-means-playtime' phase, but will check in again before Tuesday.

Lots of love
X