DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

I am so overwhelmed that so many of you have taken the time to respond to me, I can hardly type through the tears. Thank you all so much for the advice.

The stress of feeling I would have to have my parents living here (when there is no way they would have done if DH was still alive) has been an added burden on top of the grief, pain and sheer panic I'm feeling.

You've made me feel like it will be possible to do this when before I felt like it was the most impossible thing ever.

A mother's help sounds invaluable and I will certainly look into surestart/homestart - I hadn't even heard of the latter. I'm in London and there seems to be a local centre nearby

That's a great idea to write a specific list of jobs for friends. I'm quite a reserved, shy person and have been useless in the past about asking for help and feel like I'm imposing. I know that if I ask for help my friends will help, I just need to get over my shyness.

I'm so sorry others of you have been in the same situation, thank you for taking the time to post and for pointing me towards those websites/organisations, I will certainly take a look.

And Fliight, thanks for the lovely post. I haven't really allowed myself to feel any joy or hope, everyday feels like a day to endure and tick off. Your post about the dcs bonding has reminded me there will be positives even if I can't believe it right now

tunnocks - I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what it is like for you. I'm in SE London, if you are anywhere near, I will be quite happy to help.

I have a 26-month-old and a 6-month-old. DS1 was in nursery 4 days a week when I was working. We kept him in for 4 days in the first month of DS2's life, then reduced to 3 days. On hindsight, that wasn't the best idea, I would have waited at least 3 months before reducing his days.

My family is overseas and my in-laws aren't much help (and they don't even live that far!). Thank goodness I have very good friends nearby. Some things that have really helped:

1. A friend to come and take DS1 to a playgroup we go to all the time as part of keeping his routine up. Some days, I just couldn't get ready to get out on time to do stuff so it was helpful for a friend to come by to take him out for a couple of hours.

1. Homestart - I haven't needed to use it but a good friend of mine trained to be a volunteer and she is so lovely, I would love for her to come and help me.

1. Cbeebies is your best friend - Enough said.

1. Ask people to bring you food when the come visit. Otherwise you will never eat!

1. Lower your standards, just get through the day and it will get better! The first 3 months I found really difficult as DS2 still hasn't gotten into a routine. At 6 months now, I am finding it a lot easier to get through the day. I am also going to put DS2 into nursery for one day a week so I get a break and can get some jobs done. You might want to think about this some time down the line...

Best of luck! Let me know if I can help. If you need anything, toys or clothes (I have two DSs so if you need boys' clothes, let me know as I don't plan any more children!), CAT or let me know here and I will let you know my email address.

Hello again tunnocks. I'm in London, SW area. I would be very happy to help out in any way if I can. Don't be shy, just say if you would like a bit of extra support.

tunnocks I am so sorry for your situation.

If it were me I would certainly be disinclined to invite my parents - anyone else (apart from those who live here!) in my house when I have just had a baby is not great, someone I don't get on with would be a disaster.

I am sure friends would be too too too willing to help.

What about drawing up a rota. If you were a pal of mine I would gladly have yr older DC for a day, an evening, overnight, whatever would help. And I think that woudl help (you wouldn't be pushing her away - "Gosh lucky you, a sleepover at Auntie Clare's")

Good luck and really - take all the help you can get. People always offer but are rarely taken up on it. Take up their offers.

HTH and keep posting. Hope the new baby brings you joy in a horrible situation.

Oh tunnocks. Please take these lovely people up on thier offers of help. You're being so brave a what must be a very difficult time.

Am in Brighton - where abouts in London are you? Would be more than happy to train up if I could be of any help.

Big un-MN hugs x

I am in Ealing if you need a hand and are vaguely on train or tube (and me like many others I am sure, are offering for real not in an internet forum, we don't have to follow up way!). Good luck x

I'm in SW London and have a 2.2yr old boy (as well as 2 older dc) Would be happy to help in any way at all, even if you just want a coffee and space to feel sad that your DH is missing all this.

Follow your instinct, if it doesn't feel right having your parents to stay then don't do it. But do tell people what help you need.

I am so sorry for your loss I can't begin to imagine how deeply you must be feeling it at this time.

THis has been posted before but it is worth a repost - print it off and give it to all your friends.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry. "You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on; I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, and to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.
And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Tunnocks - I'm just outside London, near Watford.

I have a 23MOnth old and an 8Month old. Always happy to help.

Tunnocks I'm so very sorry. I really feel for you. My OH also died very suddenly when I was nearly 7 months pregnant with our second daughter (DD1 was 27 months at the time).

For what it's worth (and I can only speak from my own experience), I think it would be a good idea to have someone with you for the first few days at least. Is there a friend who would be able to do this, rather than your parents? The birth and just after is highly emotionally charged at the best of times.

GoingPostal's idea of making a list for your friends is great. If you can, I'd suggest trying to get a rota going whereby a few friends take it in turns to come round and take the baby out for a walk and do some cleaning. Frozen meals make good presents - you could ask for some toddler-sized meals too (ones that don't involve too much mess in the eating).

Low targets - I'd second that. Today I gave myself a pat on the back because I managed to have a nice play with DD1 that didn't involve me nagging or her whinging.

Re. nursery, like you I was worried because DD1 was due to start the month after OH died and the month before DD2 was born. Well done to increase the days now - that way she won't associate the increased time at nursery with the arrival of the baby. Again, you could ask your friends to take baby for a walk so you can have a cuddle with DD1.

Money - you might be able to qualify for a SureStart Maternity grant (up to £500). It's very easy to apply - just download a form and get your doctor or midwife to sign it. Are you claiming widowed parent's allowance? I don't know the process for doing that because I wasn't married (11 years a house and two kids don't seem to count for anything on that front).
Tax Credits - have you informed them of your 'change of circumstances' (their dreadful phrase, not mine)? They will probably up your payments if there has been a loss if income.

Sorry - I'm going on aren't I? MN has been a massive help to me over the past week. I've been having a rough time emotionally and I've had some really lovely posts [smiles gratefully and pathetically at GoingPostal and DadInsteadofMum]. There are a few people in our situation in WAY (yesterday I spent an hour on the phone with a total stranger who is going through the same thing). Also, there's a book called 'A Matter of Life and Death' by Rachel Green, in which four women widowed while pregnant tell their stories. GoingPostal suggested it to me (I think!). The website is greenwidow.com.

From looking at other topics I gather that hugs are 'unmumsnetty', but I'm sending you lots anyway.

Five minutes at a time. Get through five minutes at a time.

XXX

Wow, loads of posts since I started writing mine.

My sis loves in London (Clapham) and I do visit her, so could certainly arrange to meet for a chat if you felt like it.

tunnocks - so sorry to hear your story.

I'm in SW19. No idea how close/far that is to you, but if I can help in any way I would be delighted. I have older DC so am much more free in terms of time/availability.

Thank you all so much. I just feel waves of immense pain and sadness and that noone I know in real life really understands how it feels. Consequently I'm getting really grumpy and ignoring their calls even though I know I'll just isolate myself and make matters worse.

I'm so grateful to you all for your support.
I'm in Finsbury park

I think I will try letting DD1 stay over at her friends house. I've been worrying she'll think I've disappeared for good too but I like the idea of dressing it up to make it sound exciting for her. Plus she'll probably have to sleepover when I give birth so I guess it makes sense to have a few practice runs.

Good idea on low targets/standards, I remember getting very stressed about that when dd1 was born.

Arsmamatoria- so sorry you've experienced this too. Thankyou for taking time to post when you're having such a tough time. Your post is very helpful. I've just applied to join WAY and sent off for that book. Is WAY where you've found most help or here on mumsnet? I just feel so lonely even though I've got great friends.

DadInsteadofmum- thanks so much for the post to print off. Can I ask what reaction your friends had to it? I guess my shyness makes me worried what others think even though I know I have to change that now

I'm also not sure how far 'down the line' you guys are? does it get any easier? I just can't imagine ever being happy again. I'm just so tired of every day being a struggle and its only been 2 months

Hi tunnocks, I'm so glad you've come back to post. you are not alone. I was the same about ignoring calls. you long for someone to call you, to hold you, to care ... then the phone rings and you just can't bring yourself to answer it. what can you say? how can you explain? what can your friends say? i always felt too tired and alone to want to speak to anyone. but knowing they had called and left a message was nice. perhaps email your closest friends and explain that you often can't speak on the phone but that doesn't mean they should stop calling and leaving messages.

in terms of support from people who are going through what you're going through, the merrywidow discussion board here was the best resource for me. always someone there to answer your posts, for you to share your thoughts with, and to know that they got it. WAY is good for doing stuff in person - depends what you need and want.

As to the question of does it get easier? I'm more than 3 years along, and yes it really really does get easier. but not at 2 months I'm afraid. when you love someone so much you know you have to take a long long time to get through things (not "over" - I don't believe you get "over" it). But that's because you loved them - they deserve that mourning and grief, and you need to grieve for yourself. That doesn't mean you won't have better days for a long time. Just that things will gradually ease without you even realising, and the pain and agony will not seem quite so raw and mind-blowing as they do now.

If it helps, I often come up to your neck of the woods to see friends (used to live in Stokey). I would be very happy to meet up for a coffee if it would help at all. there's no pressure of course.

sorry, this is very long.

Hi tunnocks, I'm near Finsbury park. Would be happy to help out if there is anything you need.

So sorry for your huge loss .

I couldn't see anywhere where you said how long ago your DH died and how pregnant you are.

I suggest gradually building up your dd's nursery days so she has been going full time for a few weeks before the baby comes so she doesn't associate the 2 events. Same if she has to move rooms/out of her cot. Also have time with your back up person if you need someone else to collect her from nursery.

Don't have anyone come round who won't make things easier for you and consider writing a lost when you think of things that you feel okay asking someone else to do, so they are there to hand if anyone asks.

Hello, sorry to hear that your husband died suddenly and very recently, I'm glad you have someone to support you throu the birth, it will be very emotional, good idea to increase the nursey days now for your DD, sure start might be able to help you.
Many peoplehave mentioned WAY and merry widows, I am a member ofboth, my DH died almost two years ago and I got a lot of supportfrom both places and loads of support from the very lovely mumsnetters too.
I will look out for you on WAY they have a chatroom which offers a lot of support.
I have a way friend whos husband died the week before she gave birth I'm sure she would be happy to be in touch with you if you think it would help.
Take care.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been in your friend's position and I say PRINT THE SHEET OFF - I found it helpful when my friend's DH died suddenly - and don't worry about offending people/worrying about what they think. They will understand. You need support and you need space too.
My friend found CRUSE really helpful, might be worth considering when you feel ready/that you can face it?
Sending you lots of luck and love.

Goingpostal- that would be lovely to meet up if you're sure it wouldn't reopen your wounds so to speak.thank you for your lovely post

Thandeka- thanks, you're very kind

Fab- Dh died 2 months ago and I'm 6 months pregnant right now so awash with hormones and tiredness anyway let alone the mad-making grief

onlyjoking-so sorry to hear your story. I would like to get in touch with your friend if she feels able.

So far every time I've even been near the maternity hospital I've ended up in floods of tears- too many happy couples, too many memories of DD1 being born, too many thoughts of what should be happenning not the life I've got now. I'm so worried that I'll be so upset not to be with DH that I won't feel any joy at the baby's arrival and the poor baby won't be wrapped up in the same love that DD1 was. Then I panic that it'll all be too much for dd1- I know older DCs can 'go off' their mums when a baby arrives and turn to their dads for a bit, but as her dad isn't here will she just feel alone and pushed out? And will everyone think once the baby is here that everything is ok in my life?

My mind just darts about all over the place- the baby, DD1, the past, the future, the dreadful what ifs/if onlys. I wish I could switch it off. I'm also embroiled in an inquest and just been told I'll be called to speak- like I need anything else to deal with

River- thank you, I will print it off then and show my friends. I guess people are waiting to take their lead from me. It's hard, everyone wants to help but the only person who could help me is DH

hi there tunnocks. I would be really happy to meet up. do you want to email me at nicola . 2008 at live . co .uk and we can sort something? if you don't get round / have the energy to email for a while, don't worry, the offer is always there and you can take me up on it whenever you like. I come up to n London at least once a fortnight so very easily done.

I can't advise about how things will be for your dd as ds was my first / only - but I'm sure others will be able to help there.

when it comes to the birth etc, you will need some good practical support (hopefully your doula is geared up for this as well as actual birth process) in terms of ensuring the mws and other medical staff know about your situation and don't keep asking you about the baby's father. You should push (ie get your doula or another birth partner) to put you in a private room after the baby arrives, no matter how long you're likely to be in hospital after the birth, and beforehand too if you don't get your own space automatically. You definitely don't need to be on a main ward - having a room really helped me to have my space and just stay apart from everyone else having their family visits - which was very tough to think about - I so feel for you having to trek off for your appointments without DH - it is bloody awful having that loss right in front of you.

I am pretty sure that you will love your new baby as intensely as you do DD and will have all the same feelings of that rush of love. But yes, it will be incredibly poignant and sad that you don't have your DH there - massively conflicting and awful, I can't tell you different I'm afraid. But your baby is still your and your DH's baby and that fact won't change.

Can you ask for some sort of counselling or psych support? I had to push really hard for this but I was worried that I was just going to fall into a big depressive black hole once the baby arrived and I wanted to know that I had a safety net. I eventually got to see a perinatal psychiatrist and her junior also visited me for an assessment while I was still in hospital once ds was born. It was good to know that I had somewhere professional to turn if needs be, though it didn't come to that in the end. You may not feel the need for that type of support, but do think about it now. Get a friend to help with referrals or phone calls if that's something you want to ask for - it is so hard to just explain yourself over and over.

thinking of you.
x

Hi

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't share your experience however I do live 10 mins from Finsbury Park and if you need something perhaps I can help?

Not exactly sure what sort of help you may like, as you say you're a private person. Perhaps some meals cooked for you for your freezer?? Am good in the kitchen... I know you can get ready ones or take away but not the same as home cooking.

I saw what you said about being in floods at maternity hospital apps. Do you have someone who can come with you? Taking a friend might help dsitract you and then you wont feel like you're going alone. Or could your doula come with you?

I have a 9 month old DD and live close.

You can always post back let me know. I quite understand if you prefer to get in touch with those who share your experience.
Lots of love
xxx

Tunnocks, I'm so sorry for your loss.

A lot of your worries about your time in hospital resonate for me. My dd1 died nine weeks before dd2 was born. I had to go to the hospital where dd1 was born and died to have dd2.

Things that helped me to get through it were:

• A supportive community midwife; she got special permission to come with me to the main hospital to attend dd2's birth.
• Making sure the hosp staff are all briefed about your loss so that they don't put their foot in it.
• Getting a private room on the ward both before and after the birth.

I worried a lot about the effects of grief on bonding. When it came to it, the experience had its own momentum. There were times of being utterly overwhelmed and others of being so immersed in birth that everything else faded for a while.

I think that the ties that bind us to life are stronger than we realise, and will carry us through experiences and events that seem impossible and beyond endurance. Love comes whether we seek it or not.

Sending you love.

Tunnocks, I'm on the merry widow website quite often, so if you post there, I should see it too.

I'm 2.5 years along the road. My DD was born 3 months after my OH died. It's been tough, I will say that. But our little family unit is now 3 instead of 4 and I've put much effort into the Three Musketeers and encouraging the feeling that it's "all for one and one for all". By doing this, I've managed to tamp down the sibling rival getting out of hand.

I think I said in my previous post that I had DD alone. The one person who should have been with me couldn't be. I thought about maybe having my mum there or my sister, but in the end, it seemed like another thing I had to face and do by myself. So I did. The hospital staff were fantastic, I have to say. They were very caring and went out of their way to make sure that I was OK. One of the staff got me put on the list for counselling by my local health authority.

As for bonding with your new baby, I wouldn't worry about that. I worried about having enough love for both my DCs, would I be able to bond with the newborn, would I resent her? But when it came down to it, those thoughts leave your mind pretty pronto!

I too live in London, but I'm in SE London/Kent, so it's quite a way for me. But wanted to offer some cyber support.

You can get through this. You will get through this. You'll have lots of people to support you while you do....

Unfoprtunately I didn't get the "How can you help me" until 6 months down the road by which time it was too late.