DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

oh thank you all so much for posting, my tears are streaming, your support is so comforting. I've had a tough and bizare day, giving a witness statement to the coroner on one hand and trying and failing to organise a birthday party for DD1 on the other

going postal- I would love to meet. This month is rather heavy going as it's the build up to the inquest but I will email you in June when that's out of the way. Thanks for the advice re private rooms, that would make a big difference. Did the midwives at the hospital arrange the counselling or was that via your GP? I have the same worry, I feel I'm on the edge and completely shattered now, I'm scared that the emotions of the birth will tip the balance.

Skandi, that is so kind and I will certainly take you up on the offer of food when the baby arrives. DH did all the cooking and so I've been spoilt by avoiding ready meals in the past.

Zeno, I am so sorry to hear your experience. Thank you so much for posting, both the helpful advice about the hospital and the lovely words about your love for your DD2

lemonylemon- you've really calmed me on the bonding front, one less worry for the day! Your 3 Musketeers approach is a real positive too, though I appreciate it must have been so tough for you to adopt. You are so brave having DD on your own, she will be so proud of you. Did you come home on your own with her and was that 'ok'- not the right word at all

Dadinsteadofmum- I'm so sorry it was too late to help you. I really wanted to thank you for posting it. I bit the bullet and emailed it to friends today. Their response has been overwhelming, all of them so grateful to receive it. I'm sure I'll still feel grumpy, misunderstood and resentful but today, right now, I don't feel as isolated so thank you

I'cried reading this thread,tunnocks I am so sorry,how utterly terrible and awful for you and your dd and baby inside.I have moved from N London to wild Wales and so am not close to you any more and therefore can't pop over with cake but we live near the sea and if you want a long weekend making sandcastles and can face a long train journey then you are welcome.My dds are five and three,and we have a spare room.I haven't been in your situation and I can only imagine...I think you are being extraordinarily brave.

Tunnocks

Happy to do some meals for you - you'll have to tell me what you like

Also lets keep in touch so you can let me know in plenty of time so that I can get some meals for your freezer before the big event and some more later on.

Meals for your DD1 as well?

I hope your DD1 birthday party goes well and she has a lovely day.

xxx

Tunnocks - read this and couldn't not post - so sorry to hear about your loss but keep posting here and take all the help you want to take and don't worry about offending people who you don't want to help. xx

DadInsteadOfMum - I'd also like to thank you for reposting the 'how you can help me' - My DS2 died aged 2 very suddenly just over a year ago and I've just emailed this out to many friends. I cannot imagine losing my DH any more than those who have lost a partner can imagine losing a child but there are sadly similarities in our grief so thank you so much xx

Hello tunnocks. June it is. I will give you a nudge next month so you know I haven't forgotten, but there will still be no pressure on you.

Re referral, I asked via my GP, who was lovely, she was the main GP for all antenatal appointments. I still had to fight to be seen though. Definitely worth it to know that there was support. If you would like me to help with that, just email me.

I hope the run up to the inquest is not too stressful and that you get through it ok.
THere will be people on MN with experience of going through inquests if you post for help - and there are people whose job it is to support you through inquests, do you have someone like that?

Keep going. I know that's easier said than done, but you can do it.
x

Tunnocks,
I would definitely second what Lemonylemon said about the 'Three Musketeers'. I'm trying very hard to think of us as me and my girls.

In answer to your question about other forums, I haven't really been on any others much. I just happened to be on Mumsnet at a very low time and am incredibly grateful that the people who were there, were there.

Do you find that you both want people to say things will get better, but also resent that such a thing could be thought possible?

And as for what you said about the phone ringing and your mind being all over the place - I really relate to that.

If you think you might possibly want to meet up for a chat, do say. I can certainly make it into London.

Sorry - this is such a crap post. There are so many things going round in my head, I can't seem to sort them out into any sort of coherent order... Promise to be better tomorrow.

Have a peaceful night - I am thinking of you.

Umm [blushes and shuffles feet]. If you guys are meeting up in June, might there be room for one more?

Tunnocks, no worries at all if you don't feel up to more than one at a time.

I've not read all of this thread. I'm truely sorry for your loss.
I for lots of resons around the birth of my 3rd child needed to feel in control (of something) I had a booked section (2 prev sections) I hired a lot of help having family around would have felt like more responsibility than unconditional help.. and they are not very good at spontaniously seeing what needs done.
You sound like you need to feel in control.. Hired help works and your DD will cope with a bit extra nursery.
Very best of luck and love for your new addition!
Sorry for the typos and spelling errors

Tunnocks - so to hear your situation.
The only help I can offer is to say that I am online throught your night, as I am in Australia - so if you are awake at stupid o'clock and need someone to "chat" to - I am here.
I have no idea how you cope with your situation but you will - you will.
(((hugs))) to you and your DC.

I couldn't read and not post although I have nothing Really useful to add. The support on MN is amazing and I hope you continue to get it. My best friend's dh died just over 2 years ago and your posts remind me very much of how she felt then. Talking from my own experience, friends are desperate to help but we often feel so powerless and useless. Problem was my friend often didn't know what she needed when she was having a particularly bad few days so we sat down and made a list of all the practical support she needed and made certain people responsible. One friend was was responsible for popping in and making sure she had basic provisions, another couple for dropping of dinner, someone else did a bit of cleaning when she couldn't face it etc. She didn't have dc but if she had this could have been extended to nursery drop offs, playdates etc. This made us all feel useful and took the pressure off her having to ask for specific help. Well done for emailing dadinsteadofmums post - I sent it to all our friends and it really helped us.

It is still such early days for you. The grief is still so raw. 2 years on my friend is in a very different place but it is a journey with a few steps forward and a few back. If someone had told her 2 months in however she would one day feel very differently she wouldn't have believed them, so consumed by grief was she. It is great you are taking people up on their offers of help. Please remember that people don't offer unless they mean it. Good luck.

Hello Ars - from my pov it would be lovely to meet up, whereabouts are you? tunnocks - no pressure, we can all meet or two at a time, whatever works.

Tunnocks, in answer to your question about coming home alone with DD and was it OK - well, my Mum came to the hospital and collected me and DD. She dropped us off and then went to get DS from school and when they got home, we were the surprise for DS......

She then ran away as fast as she could - which left me to cook dinner. I managed to stand up for 20 minutes while cooking dinner. I took a plate into DS who promptly dropped it on the floor - cue screeching from me

I managed by myself. I took the housework very slowly and concentrated on feeding DD (I had to do mixed feeding for a few weeks). I sofa surfed, just making sure I had clean clothes for us all.

I did the school run after 2 1/2 weeks as my Mum had been doing it, but she was "so tired" and it was causing me quite a bit of guilt, so I tested out my emergency stop and adjusted the seat so I was quite far forward and didn't stretch the scar and was off!

Thanks all so much for posting and your kind offers.

I've had a tough couple of days. I knew DD's birthday would be hard but I hadn't been prepared for the huge waves of emotions that hit me. I felt like I didn't stop crying for 2 whole days. I was even sobbing at her party. I know it's ok to be sad in front of her but I think the sheer volume of tears has really worried her as she's very quiet and won't leave my side. I just feel like I'm making matters even worse for her.

Ars, goingpostal- yes would definitely love to meet you both. I will be easy to spot as am the size of a house after 2 months of comfort eating

Lemonylemon- wow! hope it's not irritating to be told you're amazing as you'd obviously would have wanted to do it very differently, but that is a really impressive show of strength

Tunnocks, there is not right way to deal with loss, there is no right way to grieve. She probably needs to be next to you right now. Thinking of you both - I hope she had as nice a birthday as she could have.

very sorry to hear about your dh, tunnocks. haven't been able to read the whole thread, sorry, but have you thought of asking local colleges if anyone doing childcare quals needs families to use for projects? all the best, take care.

tunnocks sorry you have lost your DH.

but you will be able to look after 2 on your own. Have a little faith in your own ability. I know your confidence has probably been shattered at the moment ,but you will cope. I didnt think i would but i have beena single parent of 2 boys who are now 22 and 17 and have had no help. The whole thing will eventually make you a stronger person. I wish you all the luck you can get ,but keep peersevering. You Will get there.

Thankyou. Yes my confidence has been completely shattered. I feel so much that DH was definitely the better person of the pair of us and that dd's life won't be half as good without him. I feel I don't know how to do anything.

She does need to be near me right now which makes me feel so horrendously guilty for taking her to nursery this morning- we were both in tears, rather she was wailing and had to be pulled from me. I feel terrible but I've been up with her since 5, my spd is hurting and I've already cried/snapped at her several times. She's been suddenly asking for her daddy loads the past few days, I'm not sure what the trigger was. I've talked about him with her but it's obviously troubling her and her language is not good enough to work out her specific worry. I feel so bad for not keeping her with me today when she's obviously hurting

Hi, so sorry for your lose. I am at Manor House, work during the week, but would be available to help at the weekends.

Tunnocks, honestly, don't worry too much about it. Take each hour as it comes. Maybe doing something special with DD this evening might be good? Something as little as buying a little tub of ice cream and sprinkling cake decorations on it? You can get them from the home baking section in the supermarket. I used to let my DS choose chocolate sprinkles etc. and also the little tubes of icing that you could squiggle all over the ice cream? Or just collect her early from nursery and go for a short walk (if you can) in the park? Or sit and watch a dvd together and snuggle on the sofa before bed? These were just little things that I did to try to give my DS some head peace.....

But it's so so hard trying to carry on and keep it all together for your babies.....

Tunnocks, I'm so sorry you've had such a shitty morning (well, it's all shitty isn't it?).

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what your last post describes. I look at all the thousands of books on the shelves and think 'how can I ever live up to that?'. When I see friends I can't help feeling that I'm letting them down for not being as 'life and soul' as he was, for not having the interesting discussion until 4 in the morning. Mostly I just wish it was me who had died instead of him.

DD also had her birthday recently - there was a lot of 'this time three years ago we were walking throught the park with all the wisteria out and I was having mild contractions.' If it helps you feel less bad about it, I also burst into tears as I handed her her cake.

The other day I was cross constantly with DD1 - she was playing up, I was losing my rag and I just felt that Sam would have been so disappointed in me. Awful, just awful. So I know what you mean. But really, when I'm being rational I know that our daughters are young, they play up and we get cross. My friends describe the same thing happening and they are not dealing with what we are having to cope with.

Don't feel guilty for taking her to nursery today. She will be fine there - will be distracted by the toys, her friends and the routine there. You badly need the rest. My daughter spent about the first four months in front of CBeebies when she wasn't at pre-school.

I'm sorry my posts aren't particularly helpful. I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I met a lovely lady today whose situation was very similar to ours and just to know that we were going through the same things, feeling the same way about different situations, was comforting.

Thinking of you lots.

Hi Tunnocks,

Have followed this thread and thought of you, I cannot offer any advice that is better then whats been said already, but I'm in Hornsey so 10 mins from you, if I can be of ANY practical help, please let me know

Be it with cleaning, or help around the house etc (am a qualified, CRB check, certificate in first aid nanny if that would make a difference?)

Sorry if this is out of place

oh tunnocks I'm really sorry you're having a particularly bad time. birthdays (yours, DH's, DC's) are shit but everyone seems to think that you'll be having a lovely time for some reason. it is a very hard one to get through. I am thinking of you.

try not to beat yourself up about your DD - she needs tons of comfort but also boundaries. you need to be there for her but also to give yourself some space and a chance to rest. you just have to muddle through as best you can and not try to measure up to an impossible ideal - which very few, if any, parents who are not in your situation would themselves meet.

we will sort out a meet up next month once things are clearer for you.

ArsMamatoria - feel free to email me in the meantime if you would like - nicola . 2008 at live . co .uk

thank you.
It really is crap isn't it. I'm not sure why everyone thinks that a birthday is a positive thing and so will suddenly erase all the pain for a day. A bit like the forthcoming birth which I am absolutely terrified about. Tried to explain this to a friend yesterday who just said, 'oh I think you're underestimating the positivity of birth, your mum hormones will kick in and you'll put all this behind you'! Thank god for mumsnet, I feel like no one listens to me in real life.

lemony- that's a good idea. When I picked up dd yesterday she was waiting in reception for me screaming 'mummy/daddy' over and over. I promptly burst into tears then got ratty with the staff as dd was really hot and they hadn't called me or given her calpol as she'd refused to have her temp taken. Luckily we bumped into one of her friends on the walk home which served as a bit of distraction and then we just cuddeled up on the sofa when we got home.

Ars- snap! your posts are helpful, your post describes EXACTLY how I'm feeling. I've spent probably far too much time wondering if dd would be better off if I died. I just look around the house and see DH's sketches, his books, his guitar etc and think I can't do anything. I tried to recount some story to a couple of friends and completely got muddled and forgot the details and just thought how much better DH would have told it. He knew so much!

going postal-you're so right about trying to live up to an impossible deal. Before all this happenned, yesterday would have been an annoying, tense day but I would have gone off to work and chalked it up to one of those days. Now I'm overanalysing her every behaviour and thinking I have to make everything perfect, which when I'm being rational, realise is impossible for any toddler.

lemonpuff- thank you, that's a kind offer

brown not cameron- (love the name)that's really helpful and you're very close. I'd love to pick your brains re childcare as you're an expert- perhaps a bit nearer the birth (August) as I'm still stuck in the past and dealing with this bloody inquest and havent dared look to the future yet

Tunnocks - I still berate myself for not being able to be "mum and dad" all rolled into one for my babies.

My DS's Dad died nearly 6 years ago so I'm mum and dad to him; my DD's Dad died 2.5 years ago, so I'm mum and dad to her too. That makes me trying to be 3 people - which I can't do.

I'm much further along this road than you and can say, through experience, that you just cannot make yourself into more people than you are.

Ars and Postal are spot on with their posts. We all go through this. I sometimes think that I'm letting everyone down by how I am, but then when my DD says to me completely out of the blue "You're my mummy and special" I feel that I must be doing something right.

I know that you will be OK. You will get through this. You have so much on your plate that your head will be spinning for a long time to come Lists are your friend. Post-it notes on your cupboard doors help too.

Keep shouting here - there's masses of support here for you. If you do join mw, can you let me know? I'll reply to your thread there.....

Hi Tunnocks,

there is so much good advice on here...

My husband died when I had a baby and toddler and it is a very hard situation to be in. You are grieving and mourning and becoming a single parent all in one go and while so many people do it brilliantly, it is a very tough call when you're also grieving, which is a very exhausting state to be in itself - let alone having a new baby on top.

Take EVERY offer of help you can - food, cleaning, people taking your toddler out for a bit, etc.

Join WAY so you can let off steam and talk to lots of other people who really do understand what this is like.

If you haven't found it already read Rachel Green's website and book A Matter of Life & Death - she was widowed when pregnant and wrote these to try and help others in the same situation.

And there's another really useful book by Caroline Doughty called 'If There's Anything I Can Do...' which gives friends and family (perhaps your parents?) an idea of how they can help on a really practical level. Lots of people just don't know where to start.

Hope some of this helps, you take care. Give yourself as much rest as you need, be kind to yourself, don't overdo it and don't try to be superwoman.

You will be superwoman just by getting through each day and hopefully sharing some smiles with your lovely little ones...

Hugs x