DH died and am pg with DC2

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity. My emotions are all over the place and I'm trying to focus on practicalities to stop the overwhelming panic and pain

hello there tunnocks my love. so pleased you have come back to post, I was thinking about you (and you, Ars) only today. (it is GoingPostal here).

Sleep training feels mean, but it's necessary, I did it with ds too and it has been worth it as he is a great sleeper now and very good at going to bed. makes a huge difference to your own well being, don't feel guilty. Swearing heavily is a well-known coping strategy!

It was 4 years for me on Weds, so have been a bit introspective recently but the day was largely just another day this time, which it hasn't been before.

But yes, Ars, I too would like to know about people 8+ years on - though I suspect that the reason that we usually don't tend to is because they really have moved on so much - doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it isn't the beginning middle and end of your day any more. I am getting there and I am sure you both will too. Early days though and i'm sure you don't believe that or want to.

Lots of love to you both. I think of you both often.

x

Tunnocks - it's scary how quickly the first year goes isn't it :( In some ways you feel like it was yesterday and in other ways it feels like forever.

Please try not to feel 'crap' - you are bringing up two lovely girls in the midst of your grief, with very little RL support - you are amazing and so much stronger than you realise.

Try to come on MN more often, even if you just post crap on other threads - it's good to feel 'part' of something and connect with other people - even to get some of the anger out.

Lots of love & hugs
Chippy
x

Tunnocks - so lovely to see your post.

Things must be so hard. I can't begin to imagine and I'm afraid that I don't have any wise advice.

However, I just wanted to put an arm round your shoulder and say how incredibly well it sounds like you are doing. You are bringing up two lovely wee girls and doing it brilliantly.

The only thing is that I would completely echo Ars. Please don't bother yourself with responding to each post etc. Just update us as and when. x x

thanks for the support. The sleep training is working in the sense that for the past few nights I've only been up twice- I can definitely empathise with the swearing and banging the wall, I shut myself in the bathroom swearing as it felt like just another punishment I had to endure.

I just feel so sad and so isolated. Our 'old' friends remain useless and irritating and some very close friends who have helped me over the last year are moving away. I'm dithering over whether to go back to work. I'm not sure I could handle any stress but equally not sure if staying at home full time would be unbearably isolating and chip away at the little confidence I have. I just wish DH was here to talk it over with. Had a crappy day in general as dd1 was attacked by a dog in the park and I had to hit it with the buggy (the trusty phil and teds wonderingstar)- the owner then had a massive go at me for hitting her dog. DD1 was fine other than completely terrified and screaming. I felt all the emotions of the last year rising in me and I swear if anyone had been around to hold dd1 I would have beaten the woman to a pulp. I was shaking afterwards and just wanted to call DH, tell him to come home early and give me a cuddle. It's so unfair . Instead I ate a load of chocolate.

What did you do for the first anniversary? I am now finding myself being asked on a daily basis- annoying when it's from people who haven't bothered to be in touch previously. I've kind of dismissed the idea of having his ashes interred and a little gathering as I am too tired and drained to organise anything and I feel I would have to be on show like at the funeral. Only that I'm stronger now than then so if (when) someone irritates me I'm likely to explode. Ideally I'd like to mope around the house but a 6 month old doesn't really allow that. My folks will be staying to nominally look after her but I feel to weird moping with them about so I need to go out. Really don't know whether it's best to be around friends or not.

sorry for rambling/ranting especially when some of you are having a tough time too x

Hi Tunnocks - Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about DD1 - poor little soul. What a horrible fright for both of you. It is so unfair but you are coping so brilliantly. I'm majorly impressed that you managed to restrain yourself from walloping the owner along with the dog.

I'm also sorry about the friends. People can be so crap. I have no helpful ideas for what to do on the day. Would it be nice (sorry, that is so the wrong word) to go somewhere special for you and DH? Perhaps on your own so you could have some time out and a massive cry or just some quiet time on your own? Or maybe to take the DDs along too so that they could see somewhere that was special for both of you and you are all together on the day?

At night, perhaps a meal out or friends coming to the house (all bringing food and drink, of course). Would that neutralise your parents a bit and take the burden off you in terms of "entertaining" them? I suppose one (the only at the moment?) benefit of pushing yourself to deal with the friends is that hopefully, in due course, they will be another link to DH for the DDs.

Well done re the sleep training. Things should keep getting better and better in that regard, week by week and it sounds like you are over the worst at least.

I'm sure some of the other ladies (and Constant!) will be along soon with some much better advice and I really hope that I haven't upset you or said too many of the wrong things. I just wanted to answer your post and let you know that people are always looking out for you here and thinking of you and the DDs.

xx

PS - re work. Is a phased return a possibility? What about using some of your Keeping in Touch days (you get 10 per mat leave - sure you know this already) to see how it would be?

Perhaps if your parents came down for four days or so, you could go in to work three days on the trot and see how you felt while they looked after the DDs?

x

So sorry to hear about everything you've been through - it really is testament to yourself that you're getting through all this and you should bloody proud of yourself (understatement of the century) for doing so.

You seem to have had a few offers already but thought I'd put my hand up too..I live in Harringay (on the ladder) so very close to you, I work full time but am around on evenings and weekends, so if you do need any help please do give me a shout...even if it just having some company when popping to the park with the kids (I often take my DD).

And remember, friends may leave or distance themselves, but new friends are often just around the corner - so please don't feel alone.

Bloody, horrible, shitty woman. Poor DD1 and poor you.

Shinyblackgrape has some good suggestions re. going back to work. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on that front as I haven't gone back myself. It's such a horrible vicious circle isn't it? The one person whose advice you really want is the person whose absence is the reason you need advice. .

I hope the sleep training is continuing to work. Those two times per night will dwindle to none and you will be able to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time - honest. Do you manage to get yourself into bed at a reasonable hour? (I realise that this is a hypocritical thing to suggest given the time of my post).

Can really empathise with the feeling of being 'punished'. SO many things seem to elicit the response 'What? THIS too? After everything - THIS?'.

There's a section of Tennyson's In Memoriam A.H.H. that puts it beautifully:

I know that this was Life - the track
Whereon with equal feet we fared;
And then, as now, the day prepared
The daily burden for the back.

But this it was that made me move
As light as carrier-birds in air;
I loved the weight I had to bear,
Because it needed help of Love:

Nor could I weary, heart or limb,
When mighty Love would cleave in twain
The lading of a single pain,
And part it, giving half to him.

As for the anniversary, his three oldest friends came over for the day. We walked up to where he is buried and sat in the sun watching the children play in the long grass. We drank buckets, listened to all his favourite songs, wept and wept, laughed, wept more, read out poems. Definitely get away from your folks if you feel stilted around them. That day is not the time to be thinking too much of others. Will your close friends still be around?

Sorry - this feels like a bit of a disjointed response.

I also wanted to say that if you felt up to meeting for a coffee, I could get to your end of town. Or if you were able to/wanted to shake the London dust from your feet for a bit, there's a very nice farm park sort of between where we live. Perhaps if Wonderingstar were able to come too, it wouldn't be total strangers getting together. Just a suggestion both of you - no pressure at all. I know I have avoided so many phone calls because I can't find the words to tell people I am just too tired to be in company...

Tunnocks, I just want to say that I'm really really sorry that you're in this situation.

Sending you the very best well wishes and hope you get the right sort of support, in bucketloads.

Hi Tunnocks, I've only just found this thread again......

The lead up to the anniversary is the worst bit - the anniversary itself isn't usually as bad as you think it's going to be....

The sleep thing I can totally sympathise with you about. I had the same thing with DD. Both of us survived and she's now 3.5 :) but it's hard work.... take it slowly and don't push yourself too hard.

It's a common thing for those of us who've lost our OH to find that "really close friends" are the ones who run for the hills or just let us drop. Its so hard doing everything on your own without support. Please just shout out on here - or on the Chat thread. You'll get heard.

Regarding work - well, I can't give you any advice on that, I'm afraid. I had to return to work when DD was 7 months old, and have been back ever since. It's hard work with 2 children, but somehow we manage to muddle through. But I'm so tired, all the time.....

I'm nearly 11 years on from losing DH1, life has found a new type of normal and overall things are good. However I never forget and it still hits me every now and then, I remain in contact with my ILs which helps us both :)