The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Rudy Asa Cassius Hendrix!
Happy birthday to yoooooooo!

Morning girls xx

Many Congratulations Che. Welcome Rudy. x

Morning girls xx

Good morning Shabba x

Morning all x

sh it must be very hard to contemplate doing something so challenging on the anniversary.

Last summer I was scheduled for surgery on dd's birthday; I was tempted to go ahead with it on the basis that being knocked out for hours and then high on morphine for days would be a good thing! In the end we managed to get it moved to the following week.

I read the other day that the ties that bind us to life are stronger than we know. Things that seem beyond contemplation, let alone doing somehow turn out to be do-able. I guess that's why to other people we often seem "strong" and "brave"; we are tested in ways that others don't have to face.

All the best for your exams. xxx

Morning girls xx

morning all. Just recounted what happend at db's court case and it has thrown me. I cant believe that in 9 days it will be 6 months since db was killed.

Congratulations Che. Lovely name

how is everyone today?

Hi all. Just a quickie.

Hope everyone is ok.

Things have been a bit mad here. DS fell down a step and bumped his head. He was ok at the time but later on done a huge vomit. So off to A&E we went. He's ok we just need to keep a close eye on him for a few days. I hated being the hospital, but they were great. The horrible irony is it was this time of year that C initially got sick

Ilike so sorry to hear that, how terrifying. Hope he's alright- they'd have picked anything up at the hospital I'm sure, but not nice at all for you.

Someone said 'what a healthy baby' to me yesterday when I had DS with me. The irony is that everyone said the exact same thing about L, almost felt a small chill as she said it! Also someone said 'oh what a lovely skin tone he has' which is what people used to say about her. Both me and DP are Brits but I have quite olivey skin so DCs do as well which looks/looked unusual perhaps with their blue eyes and fairer hair- but of course when L got ill I kept thinking 'oh my goodness people kept saying she had such a nice skin tone oh my goodness she must have been jaundiced for ages and I didn't notice' so I'm now studying DS in all lights and am quite sure he is not jaundiced, so she wasn't either when people said it

well.. yesterday evening I was changing DS's nappy and looked at the time and it was the exact time that I was changing L's nappy a year before (thursday night) when she had a huge cardiac arrest while I was doing it, bit odd, and DP has forgotten that one year ago to this hour (well it was the saturday at 11) we were in a meeting being told the hospital could do nothing further except wait for her heart to stop beating and I was saying hang on all the infusions and the CVVH may have an effect, yes, and the consultant left and vanished, the other consultant left and cried in the corridor and the nurse said 'oh yes they might do, we'll keep trying' It feels like only yesterday. It is not really long ago. To think just a year ago I could still have said all the things to her that went unsaid, I could have done things differently at the very end, I could still have held her hand and it would still have been warm and alive, she could still have heard me. It's very odd as a year is not really that long.

Anyway am waiting in for a delivery of a baby trap play ring for DS as he is very bored with his play mat and I think he will like it. So I am missing the very nice sunny weather (but also missing the comments of strangers about is it your first etc.. oh and yesterday a stranger told me I had put on weight! thanks a bunch) so I am quite quite happy to stay in today!

Che- hope it's all going well

shelley- it's probably helpful to go over what has happened as often as it comes into your head, to process it. Time is most peculiar isn't it, like me it seems like only yesterday sometimes but at others I can't believe it wasn't really that long ago because it feels like they are so far away now- don't know if that makes sense!

I'm not quite sure how going over the lies that were told is helpful but that could be because i cant see past that IYKWIM. I think of it often and can make no more sense of it than i could on the 31st. Will keep trying though. Im stubborn like that. IT's weird this time 6 months ago i was trying to persuade him to wear a suit and tie after him winding me up that he werent going to wear 1 to be an usher at my wedding. Thats not long away now either. I'm going to play his funeral song. It was what we wanted for our first dance but seams a bit sibling rivalry now and a lot of people will think of Matt. Depending on my mood it could just upset me anyway. Going to play it when i light the abscence candle at the reception. Its goig from the church where my other db is lighting it

Just back from a week away up north - will catch up with what's been happening later, just wanted to say hello to everyone xx

I had 18 kids at Ross's party today.. me and 3 of my mad pals entertaing on a pirate theme

I am exhausted.. but happy.. it was really nice to be surrounded by happy hyper kids

but its now only only a few days to frasers remember day and his b/day

I think i might crash tomorrow but we will see

Morning girls xx

How are you doing FM and Crumpette? You're all on my mind a lot at the moment xxx

Oh, it turns out ds's vomiting was because of a sickness bug, not the head injury. Phew.

Ilike glad DS wasn't seriously hurt.

Having a rough time actually, I'm in one of those weird unreal states where I don't very much want to exist! DP told me to get over it and said 'it's a year already stop harping on about the same thing' and said 'when are you going to stop playing the martyr' when all I said was 'it's a year tomorrow since L died, I'd like to take some flowers to her' ?? Feel really alone! Didn't take flowers as DP wouldn't go there 'again' as went recently, but even then he refused to get out of the car. Have been distracting self with online shopping which has the opposite effect that is intended, ie I end up even more unhappy having wasted money, and the distraction is only temporary anyway, and gah I hate my existence (sound mad don't I?) DP and I are not getting on at all and I am under lots of pressure as dealing with an ECHR appeal and am bogged down in paperwork for that- and have messed up a website I am supposed to be building by paying twice for the same thing and can't get out of it for a year- oh and I still haven't fixed the child benefit for L and corrected it to DS yet- it's like time is going by fast and I am tripping over every day running after it? I can't quite see how I can ever just 'be' without having a whopping great L shaped void in my life. And nothing I try to do fills it.It's getting bigger, if anything, with the knowledge that she should be 2 now and playing with her little brother and walking and talking and happy and alive

Other than me being miserable all's fine!

frasersmummy- 18 kids!! You are very brave!! oo ar, must have been nice to be surrounded by such happiness and I'm sure Ross will remember that party forever, sounds great fun for him

I am really teary today.. dont think the tiredness from yesterday was helping

so I have packed ds off with grandparents, have had a 2 hour nap which has made me feel a bit better

I am sitting here trying to write a letter t Fraser ... mad I know but I like to write to him every year right before his b/day

but I cant seem to find the words this year..instead I have been posting rubbish on an aibu thread about nothing important ... Its just a distraction

frazermum you are doing realy well, we are all with you.

I second that Hazy xx

crumpette - you have been in my thoughts since I read your post this afternoon - I hope you are feeling a little better - I am very for you about your dp attitude, how awful for you .

frasersmummy - thinking of you too.

Frasersmummy sorry you are feeling so down, I know what you mean about posting rubbish- it's just a temporary distraction from the reality in your head and heart. I do that too. We're all here for you when you need us. I think writing to Fraser is a very good idea.

Nina, thanks, I'm sorry I'm such a misery! Nothing achieved this pm except enormous row with DP, he stormed out but has returned now, having inundated me with insults and having said he only used to be horrible to me 'to beat it out of me'? I think he means my personality, I'm totally controlled and barely remember who I am now. He doesn't seem to care about L at all.. but won't go on. Seems so utterly trivial really compared to her.