The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Crumpette - you are without a doubt a mum of two. I am a mum of one. She may not be with me here but she is my one and only child.

Lunatic - hope you are well. I have become a total social recluse. Groups of people make me very nervous. My sis just had a huge wedding and I stayed in one spot for most of the evening. Someone asked me how many kids I had and I froze, walked away and cried.

My daughter's 1st birthday is on the 18th and her 1st anniversary on the 19th . I just don't know what to do except pray for her. Pl could you share what you did?

sh77 - are you ok sweetheart? Im glad you found this thread but I wish we didn't have to meet here. Do you want to tell us your story? If you dont - no worries - nobody will mind. xxxx

Morning girls xx

So I braved visiting family (yes, why oh why) this weekend. I'm back now. But my mother was there who said on saturday 'oh you have to stay tomorrow it's EEEAASTTEERR' so I said 'why on earth do you think it is appropriate to celebrate Easter??? L died on Easter Sunday..' and she said 'don't be so stupid she didn't die on Easter she died on the 12th' and the following day when we popped around to see my ailing grandfather (he's 90 and ill and hadn't seen the DS before) along comes my mother and my sister and stepfather with criticism en masse (why haven't you had the baby weighed recently what are you doing with him why havent you been to GP what on earth are you doing with that cup near him its hot, he's hungry, he's not wearing socks he'll be hypothermic,he's this he's that..all of it totally unjustified as usual, she is mad) and, yes, easter eggs, big yellow easter cards, more shiny easter eggs.. not one person mentioned the D word, or the L word, it's as if she must never be mentioned ever again. And the fact that this all took place in my grandmother's house (who died in July) made it all a bit weirder frankly, as none of her stuff has moved..her notes are still on the kitchen counter.. her knitting is still by the chair as is her open book.. argh
the whole day I just wanted to be back in London and take flowers to L but I'm back now and haven't done it today either (DS was awake every hour last night and I'm shattered) and I just kind of feel like I have let her down so badly

The WH Auden poem resonates with me a lot, the final verses
(s)He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Sorry I'm a miserable blob today, but I think until you've had a child, be it for 9 months of pregnancy or 9 years of life, you never really know what love is, that true unconditional love. And at this stage I truly struggle to see how any day will ever be OK ever again, every day seems like such a chore to even bother to get up and deal with DS and all the work things I should be doing and I just see expanses of time ahead which I don't want to be part of, without her. Obviously I have no choice but it's so cruel, it just shouldn't be this way around.. you're not supposed to outlive your child..

Sorry

sh77 you can do whatever you want for your daughter, whatever feels right to you. The first anniversary of my daughter's death is the 12th. Her 2nd birthday should have been in February, for that I drank copious amounts of wine, took some special flowers to where she is buried and had a little chat with her. Some people release helium balloons, some people get cards, some people go somewhere meaningful to them. You don't have to do anything, she is with you in your heart and you carry her everywhere so don't feel you should do anything except pray with her, if you wish.

If you'd like to tell us her name we have a list of memory dates, for the little stars we have lost, and if a date comes up then all round the country and sometimes the world people on this thread remember your child with you, and we light candles on that date.

Hugs to you, though. sh77. It sucks and is especially difficult with those dates just around the corner.x

Hi sh77, you've been on here before haven't you? I'm sure I remember you.

Like crumpette said, do whatever feels right to you. There is no right or wrong. We always go and visit C's grave on his birthday and remember day. We do that first thing so we can get the tears and upset out that has normally been building for weeks in advance. We then do something or go to a place that reminds us of a happy time with C. We try to turn a pretty shit day into another good memory. Maybe we're kidding ourselves, but it works for us and gets us through those hard days.

Lovely pics Nina and Shabs.

I tell you what Nina, looking at your posts is like talking with my South African friend I have in RL. She calls children chickens too

Oh, and I meant to say. Sorry your weekend has been so awful crumpette. Your family know how to make a person feel better don't they? I feel every angry for you, L and ds.

Nina - loved the photo's - you have beautiful children xxx

Hi Sh.

The anniversaries and birthdays seem for us to have sharper teeth in the run-up than on the days themselves.

For dd last year (the dreaded firsts!) we had a rather lovely gathering by her grave on her birthday. A handful of close friends came, we shared food (no cake though), blew bubbles and played around the graves with the kids. It was strangely appropriate. We collect pretty stones and shells on her grave, so everyone brought things to add to the collection. We watched some video of dd on a tiny handheld screen, with headphones in to listen to her laugh.

On the anniversary of her death we weren't able to go to her grave. To be honest I don't remember what we did. Heads down, got through it and survived, I think! I felt odd not marking the date in any way, but there's only so much I can take, and I feel we did what was best for us. We'd rather mark her birth date than her death date.

Morning girls xx

Good morning all xx

Sorry I haven't been around much , a mixture of comp proplems and a busy house . I had my sister to stay for a few days and today is my youngests 4th birthday . How the buggery did that happen ?

I hope everyone is doing as well as they can .

crumpette , I hope sunday wasn't too shitty for you , you and L were in my thoughts xx

Hi,

Just been nosing about the active threads and it looks like Chegirl may be in labour. Thought you might like to know.

Hope you don't mind Che, we'll be thinking of you

X

OMG where did you see that Woolly - what title is it under? Just had a nosey but cant see anything - OMG how exciting xx

What are you lot like

Might be....

Che!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need regular updates

xxx

Thank you for your responses on how to mark the first anniversary. My situation is complicated by the fact that on the day of my daughter's anniversary, I have the most important exam of my life - for my PhD. It was a huge struggle to submit my thesis after she died but somehow I managed. I feel so very shit that I won't be able to visit her grave on that day. I will be in London, whilst her grave is in Derby. I have no idea how I will get through the day. The exam (and I hope I pass it) is a huge event in my life as I went through so many obstacles to finish and it is strange it coincided with her death.

Zeno - I was very moved by how your marked your child's anniversary. So beautiful.

Morning girls xx

Rudy Asa Cassius Hendrix is here

Talk later x

Whooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooo - Awwww welcome to the world Rudy - Awwwwwwwwwwww xxxxxxx

Hope you are all happy and healthy xx

Huge Congratulations Che and welcome to the world Rudy

Brilliant news to wake up to this morning

congratulations chel,and hello rudy.
my dd went in last nite but sent home againx

Congratulations Che and welcome Rudy.

Hurrah - what great news Che. Welcome Rudy

I saw Che's thread last night and wondered if we'd have good news today.

I love the fact there are new babies on this thread

Congratulations Che what lovely news and what a truly fabulous name!!!xx

aww fantastic news.. congratulations chegirl.. brilliant

I have been struggling since I got back from Disney.. cant get Fraser out my head

but today is ross's b/day - he is a big 5 so its hard not to get caught up in his infectious enthusiasm for life

sh77 first anniversary is always the worst. Like others say do what feels right for you
We always release balloons on Fraser's b/day .. one for each year

I feel like I am sending the balloons to Fraser and I feel like I am letting go of he grief which builds up in the weeks running up to his b.day