The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Sassy whereabouts in the country are you? I wish you lived near Bolton so I could come and talk to you. Im sat here with blobby tears rolling down my face at the thought of your DH crying. I shudder when I think of the 'early days' of loosing my sons.....I wouldn't go back there for £1,000,000.

PLEASE, PLEASE believe me when I say we are all here to help....your situation will change over the coming time...Please also believe me that you will get through this and you will be able to smile again. I love reading your memories, I found that the more I talked about the boys the slightly easier the situation became. When I bottled up my sadness I felt like I was drowning in tears. xxxx

Mrsbean I have never come across that poem before, thank you for posting it here and thinking of us

Sassy- I, like shabs, would never go back to those early days, not even if offered a lot of money to do so. The gut wrenching sheer agonising pain feels so overwhelming and unbearable, but here I am a year further on than you and yes it hurts like mad when I think about it, and everything's tinged with incredible sadness, but I'm still here and it's not as bad as those first weeks and months were. Catherine sounds like such a wonderful happy unique and precious girl, what a character, it's not fair that the world has lost such a lovely little girl
I threw out some of L's things after she died- the things I associated with her illness, toys she was given while in hospital. But everything else, the things that were truly hers, I have kept. Even silly things- the cardigan I wore on the day she got ill that she threw up on her bunny (fav toy) lives on our bed. I can't really bear to look at most of it yet- I have kept it all in a box, I actually wince if I have to see some of it but there are other times when I see something and think of the fun she had playing with it. I have hidden her buggy away but I'm starting to think it would be useful for DS, maybe I will get it out again. A time will come when you can look at her things without all of the pain, but it's not fair.

I'm in a bit of a confuzzled state over DP's redundancy/dismissal/whatever. I'm kind of thinking of waiting til my maternity pay ends and just sort of upping sticks and leaving the country--- but then I figure, well, would it help? Would moving make things better or make me feel better? After all my real problems are going to be carted around with me. DP's offered to look after DS if I go back to work but I'm not sure I trust him (!) he's never even changed a nappy for him.

Argh!

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

Message deleted

Glad to hear today is a bit better for you sassy. One tiny step at a time.

Crumpette - It says a lot if you don't trust your dp with ds and that he's never changed a nappy. I think you've also mentioned before that he has a drink problem haven't you?

If you are thinking of moving away (here or outside of the UK), you need to list the pro's and con's. Moving away won't change how you feel about losing L - nothing is going to do that. But what will the domestic change mean to you and your ds? What does dp add/bring to your lives?

Don't stay because it seems the easy and less complicated option. You will always regret wasting those years. You and ds deserve happiness and safety.

Buggery bugger , we have got an open evening at the school my youngest is oging to be starting in September tonight . I am just going through all the stupid forms that I have got to fill in and they have a bit which asks what the position they are in the family . So they are asking about older and younger siblings , just box ticking to everyone else but it has made me want to sob and not go now .

Do I put Harry down but say he isn't around anymore ?
Do I put him down and leave it unless they ask me about him ?
Do I just leave him out completely ?

This is the shite that really does me in .
Jamie is at the school already so I don't really need to go do I ?

oh bugger tw.. I had to fill out the same stupid form..

I wrote Ross is the youngest ..his older brother was stillborn 6 years ago. Secretary read it and said thats fine...

Thats fine???? Thats fine???? no it sodding isnt !!

But I knew if I didnt write his name down I would regret it later
Does Harry appear on Jamie's form.. might be less questions if both forms are the same

I would say dont go if you dont feel like it. I went to ross's inductions (all 3 of them ) was a pile of rubbish.. we will be looking at letters, numbers, keeping fit

I wanted to say no shit sherlock!!

I wish you strenght to get through it if you do decide to go my friend

I put all my sons names down when each one started school. Cant remember if I wrote down the full circumstances to be honest. I know on Toms nursery form I put down all his brothers and then next to Matt and Gareths names I wrote - sadly died - and then the year next to it. I did, however, write their up to date ages. I just read that back and now it sounds barking mad!!!! At least I know what I mean

Oh TW

If you don't think the open evening is necessary then don't bother with it if it's going to upset you.

I enrolled M at the village pre-school today (don't worry, time hasn't flown that quickly, he goes in the new year!) and I had geared myself up for having to explain about C. Luckily there wasn't anything like that, although I suspect there will be when I have to fill in more forms when he starts.

When I went into the pre-school today they had a session of the rising fives who will be starting school in Sept. C should have been in that room ...............

Best not to dwell I think.

Ilike... I remember last year when it was graduation at nursery.. they werent allowing parents of the graduating kids in the room in the morning as they wanted the room set up to be a suprise.

I of course was allowed in and I was really upset as there it was on the wall in big letters .. congratulations class of 2009 .. off to the next big adventure..

should have been my Fraser. Thing is we all talk openly about our missing children so the staff in nurseries schools pre schools etc should all be aware .. but it doesnt seem to cross their heads when they hold these events does it??

The year that Matt should have left Primary they had a leavers assembly. I was invited to go so took my Mum for support. OMG it was utterly heart breaking.

The leavers class did an assembly all about refugee children and how they went on in the second world war. They were all dressed up in their 1940's outfits. It was so good and the singing was wonderful. Then the Head teacher stood up and said 'I hope you have all enjoyed this leavers assembly. Now just before the last song I want to wish all you boys and girls good luck as you go to High school. Of course one very, very important boy is not here today a little boy with a magic smile, a cheeky eyes and lots of girlfriends. I want us to all take a minute to think about Matthew and how important he was to each and every one of us.'

Then the last song began....OMG those leavers sang 'Keep the homes fires burning.....' then one by one each one of them looked at me and started to cry. It ended up that the teachers and the younger children finished the song. I have now, almost 16 years later, made myself cry just writing this!!!!!!

BUT we are still here - plodding along - and making the most out of what we have. I often see that leavers class - they almost all have partners or spouses and many of them have children of their own.

It's heartbraking isn't it FM? I'd like to think that when I am posed with the sibling question I will be able to ask why they want to know, and do they actually ever refer to the form? If they don't, I would explain why it is such a difficult question for some people. However I will probably be a gibbering wreck.

That story about the leavers class assembly is lovely, beautiful and just so sad Shabs. Matt sounds such a special boy.

Do you reckon TW has gone? Just incase, I'm sending her calm vibes xxx

Hi all,

I nearly posted about that bus crash yesterday - just devastating - occupied my thoughts a lot yesterday and again today.

Hey Sassy, I'm also in Scotland (south perthshire if that means anything to you). Every time I pack to go away without G it just feels weird. The first time we did that was just horrendous - I have found that has got slightly easier as time has gone by.

Sounds rubbish TW but I'd second FM's view that if you instinctively don't want to go then don't. Everyone's different as to what they want to put on those bloody forms - do what feels right for you xx

Crumpette - how's your day been? x

Love to all xx

Crikey, several posts since i went to reply! I reckon TW has prob gone to open evening. Shabs, that story sounds just beautiful and has brought my tears flowing in such a good way - he obviously made a HUGE impact on many many people. Totally get that FM - when the other mums got the nursery allocation places a couple of weeks ago i just felt so utterly empty knowing Gregor would have been going - it's the phases and stages that so many little things that mean so much. guess that's just the shape of things to come as Shabs knows only too well there are going to be oh so many 'should have beens'

If Jack had been alive now he would have been doing his Mock GCSE's. My niece, godson and best friends daughter are all the same age as him so i have it all around me!

by Michael Rosen

Don?t tell me that I mourn too much
and I won?t tell you that you mourn too much
Don?t tell me that I mourn too little
and I won?t tell you that you mourn too little
Don?t tell me that I mourn in the wrong place
and I won?t tell you that you mourn in the wrong place
Don?t tell me that I mourn at the wrong time
and I won?t tell you that you mourn at the wrong time
Don?t tell me that I mourn in the wrong way
and I won?t tell you that you mourn in the wrong way.
I may get it wrong, I will get it wrong, I have got it wrong but don?t tell me.

Message deleted

I have put this on here before but, very sadly, we have new friends here and I wanted them to see it as well.

MY MUM IS A SURVIVOR

My mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mum who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others....a smile of disguise.
But through heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My surviving mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
As I watch over my surviving mum...through heavens open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears.
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels
My surviving mum has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

Morning girls xx

morning!!!

I've been trying to catch up with the thread as my interent has been dodgy for a while so been posting on FB on my phone. Small update for from what happened at court on wednesday. My DB's killer got 20weeks immediate imprisonmant so if hes a good boy he could be out in 10. A couple of endorsements on his licence and a 3 year driving ban. Small price to pay for taking away someones life but at least we have a bit of justice for Matty.

Hiya Shelley....I personally think he should have gone on death row (wish we had that in this country) but any punishment is better than none. The prat who killed my Matt got nowt, nish, nothing at all. Not even points on his license or smacked hands - NOTHING!!! The Crown Prosecution said that 'it wasnt in the public interest to carry on with a private prosecution', arsewipes fools!!

I wish. I think he should have been put through what my matt was. Surpose i should be greatful that matt didnt suffer but i cant help thinking that this 'person' helped make sure of that. Its rediculous its so hard to get a conviction for dangerous driving even more so for death by dangerous driving. It really went against him that he was driving stupidly 9 DAYS before he killed matt and was caught by a police officer. Never mind the 15 previous convictions he already has. He didnt get a sentance for driving without due care and attention just 10 weeks each for leaving the scene and failing to give a roadside breath test (refused when he came back to the scene for final time) to run consecutively. Also got 2 weeks to run concurrantly for being in possesion of an illegal drug so doesn't even spend that time in prision. I hope every night before he goes to sleep he remembers why he's in there and has that nights events running through his head, he knows he's lied and we all do. Hated how much they tried to blacken my dbs name and just used his name to try get the magistrates to think matt was at fault. On the lawyers theory he wasn'yt over the limit for driving because matt wasnt. Matt would NEVER drink and drive he had experience of how police would pull bikers over if they were doing 1 thing wrong or something wasn't quite right with the bike through mates and he was pulled himself cos the wanted to check something. I have a slideshow of pictures running through my head atm and a lot of them are of him with my ds. Dad said the same yesterday that he always gets the picture of db and my ds where db is putting his bike helmet on my ds. Its on my FB profile. I love it somes up Matty so much his 2 greatest loves.

Morning all , thanks for the kind words . I did go and it was ok , I was very grumpy but I survived .

Shabs that assembly must have been so hard and so lovely all at the same time . How proud you must have been to know how mnay people loved your boy x

oh god shabs I shed tears over your post re final school assembly its lovely but sooo sad all at once

susan I am just at the other end of the m8 just outside Glasgow

I used to have the only light shining in Scotland on remember days/.. now there are 3.. thats nice [smile}

Message deleted