The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Well done for going TW. Sassy - I imagine we have all felt what you are feeling - I know I did.

I think for others (friends, family etc)after the immediate shock and disbelief of it all, life goes on as before. Yes they are upset (understatement), but for most intents and purposes, their day to day lives go on unchanged.

For parents and siblings however, your absolute foundation has been shaken. Your belief in everything changes. Your perspective on everything changes. And that's before I've even mentioned the gut wrenching and appalling grief and gaping great hole you feel.

If you want to talk about Catherine, make sure you include her in your conversation. People take their cue from you. If they know you want to talk about Catherine, they will also feel comfortable to talk about her, rather than worry they will upset you.

I also felt like I had a 'bereaved mother' sticker on my forehead and that everyone would surely be talking about the mother with the dead baby. And yes, they probably were.

No doubt some of them would be talking about me with a gossipy morbid curiousity, but the majority would have been well intentioned.

So, I'd concentrate and focus in on the people who cared and were well intentioned rather than the old gossipy hags.

You can't change other's ugly behaviour, but you can ignore it.

Oh my word I remember all those emotions......so many of them. I am a little pissed and my husband fell out with me about three days ago........he thinks he is right and Im sure I am right LOL.......... night my friends xxxx

dont know your dh from adam and dont know what you fell out about but my gut feeling is that you are right

sassy ..yes I am afraid that what you are feeling is completely normal. Ilike put it to so well there's not much I can add. I do remember thinking Suddenly the world seems like a lonely place..

Morning girls x

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Sassy , in my expeience people didn't get bored of me talking about Harry , they were just glad to be able to help me in any way they could . BUT I remember feeling like I must be boring them and I would always look out for signs that they were getting fed up of listening to me saying the same stuff over and over again .
You need to do it , I really think that your brain takes quite a while to catch up with what has actually happened . And the more you talk about it the quicker the head can process it all (that sounds so prescriptive and it really isn't mewant to , I hope you know what I mean)

I can still talk about Harry for hours even now but the difference now is that sometimes , even most of the time I am smiling while doing it .

Those early days are just awful and indescribable , you will learn to carry this with you but for now please be kind to yourself xx

Sorry you're having a bad day Sassy {{hugs}}}

I still think about C everyday, and probably every hour, but mostly I remember him with a smile. You will get there, I promise you.

I remember the early days just like you describe. Every conversations led to him and every thought I had was about him. So much so I sometimes wanted to be able to turn my brain off for a while because thinking about him so much made me miss him even more.

C was my only child at that point (I had ds2 10 months later) and I was a SAHM so I found it very difficult working out what my role in life was anymore. I still felt like a mum but I didn't have my son with me. I still felt part of a family but it was just me and dp.

I felt very lost, confused and I think a bit scared. I couldn't believe I would have to haul this burden of grief, loss and yearning around with me for the rest of my life. But please believe me when I say that weight gets lighter. It honestly does, and it creeps up on you without you realising.

Your grief is so new and fresh, so please please let yourself feel whatever you feel, and say whatever it is you need to say. And don't forget that we're here for you xxx

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You dont have to do or say anything on here sweetheart xxxx

I think that we all understand every word of your posts - OMG those 'early days' after the loss of a child are, just unbelievable. xxxxx

FALLING APART

I seem to be falling apart.
My attention span can be measured in seconds.
My patience in minutes, and I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly
The morning toast burns daily.
I forget to sign the cheques
Half of everything in my house is misplaced.

Anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions,
Rainy days seem extra dreary.
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other peoples pain and frustration seem insignificant
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel half crazy.
I am normal....I am told,
I am a newly grieving mother.

and a poem about older grief.

The pain does not dissipate
It penetrates and hides within;
So that the world,
Seeing the outward smile,
The composed manner,
Hearing the tempered voice,
Forgets.

Removing the mask
Lifting the veil
Peering behind the facade
Reveals a torment
The world has no desire to know.

Morning girls xx

Hi there Shabs

I hope your day has been ok today Sassy, and that goes for everyone

Hi all,

Sassy so much of what you're saying I can completely identify with - For months (and even often now but maybe not as much as in the beginning) I felt like i was wandering around with a label on me saying "my child has died" - I even joined a class in another town where I went along and nobody knew me, think i did it on purpose so i would perhaps just be known as me - didn't last though as i felt like i was there as an imposter.

I talked and talked and talked and repeated myself time and time again in the early weeks and months and at that time whoever was around me was happy to listen. I have a lovely bunch of friends but have never felt as lonely as i have the last year or so. And I don't mean lonely in the sense of noone around me i mean lonely in my own headspace and that is one of the many things the lovely ladies here have given me - the realisation that sadly this happens to other people and you can somehow learn to keep on going no matter how tough it gets. Keep talking to whomever you're comfortable talking to about Catherine - you need to keep letting it out and do whatever YOU need to do. I found that my DH and I have coped in very very different ways but i think we both feel closer to each other and that we need each other more although in contrast we also realise this could still completely tear our relationship apart. Listen to your instincts and do what you need to do xx

Shabs Falling apart could have been written for me - I frequently forget to sign cheques, have the attention span of a flea and my memory has deteriorated to the point where my DH thinks there's something seriously wrong with me!!!

This poem was given to me by a good friend a few months after Gregor died. Think i've posted it before but wanted to again...

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

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{{{hugs}}} for your dh Sassy.

We seemed to be a grieving tag team too. But looking back that was a good thing. We could support eachother when they were having a bad day, and then the roles would be reversed.

I remember reading a statistic that 90% of bereaved parents split up, which is just awful and sad. But also to put it in perspective, the divorce rate countrywide is something like 40% (I think) anyway.

It has brought dh and I even closer, it has given us a bond stronger than any other. We pretty much grieve in the same way, but I don't think that's the reason why we have survived.

I think it's because of the strong love we have and because we have given each other the space and time to grieve. We have always talked about EVERYTHING. We may not agree with eachother, but we respect their point of view. But fundamentally we have the same outlook and moral view point on life.

morning.. its a beautiful day here in Glasgow and I have to work to 6pm.. yes on a bank holiday

Dh and i have always been good together.. when we are away from the pressure of work, parents etc we have a fab time together.
When we lost Fraser, we clung to that fact and said..we were a fab couple before and we can be again

As the years go by- like any couple- we have our rough patches. Now though whenever one of us feels like giving up on the relationship it dawns on us that whatever the problem is we have faced worse and survived as a couple and we can get through this particular nonsense

That said if I posted on here each time we had a marital we would need a lot more new thread titles

Morning girls - beautiful day here as well xx

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I saw a Homeopath a couple of months ago and was given arnica in tablet form for emotional shock followed by Ignatia tablets to help let grief out - imagine my response to someone sitting there knowing sod all about me and my family telling me there's a tablet to help with grief... anyway she did say to me that taking the arnica for emotional shock a year ago may have been helpful but heh I know next to nothing about homeopathic stuff but figured like you if there's a chance it could help it's worth a shout. Do I think they've helped? I don't know but i have been much more uncontrollably emotional the last few weeks while i've been taking the ignatia. What did the homeopath suggest to you?

I think sadly there is no magic cure though - tried red wine and vodka (not in the same glass I'm a classy chick!), was offered antidepressants immediately after Gregor's death but like you I didn't see how they were going to help, but i'd never say never!

Recently had a couple of sessions of reiki which was totally not what I expected - but in a good way if you know what i mean! Just getting up every morning at the moment will be a huge effort for you let alone trying to figure out whether something is helping or not.

Susan I'm so sorry you've been having a bad time but of course you will be- does that make sense? There will come a time when it doesn't hurt so much and when you can think of Catherine and the happiness in her life without the same sense of despair. I'm so glad you've found us though- keep on posting here. I completely identify with everything you say- the waves of such intense pain, when L died my whole reason for living died too, for a while. I was so low, I did take some diazepam at night for a couple weeks after she died but didn't thereafter. I felt really suicidal, but then I began pondering life/death/what happens when you die, looking at what my beliefs were and all that stuff I'd never thought of before and I gradually veered away from such dark thoughts.

I can't advise on what would be helpful- I haven't tried anything (yet!!!) personally, having been on happy pills in my teens I would avoid them because my experiences on them were not good, and I found they just numbed me and slowed me down a bit but I was unable to confront whatever the problem was (so insignificant in comparison to losing L., of course) and I only felt better when I was off them. The only thing I'd possibly suggest is talking therapy, just pour it all out. The trick is finding someone good to listen/challenge what you are saying.

I've had a crappy day, can I just hang out here for a couple mins and say 'AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH' thanks

I had my mother visiting today, along with my sister, I feel so low, for a start my sister (she's 12 so I don't hate her)was criticising my size (I'm a size 10 ffs!!) and my hair and my face in photos that she had taken. My mother then kept saying how I need to go back to work right now (DS is 4 months old) and said I'm such a disappointment because I haven't finished anything I've started and I'm wasting my life (yeah so I don't have 3 degrees yet) (cue my sister chiming in to say how great she is and my mother preaching on about how fabulous my sister is) and then said she's glad L died because it would have been 'just awful' if she'd survived (but been brain damaged) and she told me that she visited my father's family last week as they were at a barbecue at one of my aunts' houses near cardiff (his parents) and they said not only how they hate me for not naming DS after my father but also that it's clearly my fault L died, they're ont surprised at all. (NB I had anorexia during childhood/teens but am fine now, and have been fine for the past 6-7 years) and they said if I didn't take care of myself then they don't believe I took care of my child and it was frankly inevitable that if you wreck your body by starving yourself for years that your child will suffer and die as a result and I fing hate them. I have been fine for years! I was only ever anorexic in the first place because my whole family were total abusive idiots! Since I've been away from them all I've been completely fine- L was completely fine. They said that they'd 'never heard of sucha thing happening' (liver failure) and they think I'm hiding something now, sadly I know tw and Ilike- were in the same position as me with Harry and C and I know you know that's not bloody true, I adored L and I never ever ever did anything wrong and it just feels like a huge blow. I mean, my father hated his parents, he didn't see/speak to them for 10 years and then he died, so I know they've got a very abrasive manner about them but how sick can they be to blame me??? I already irrationally* blame myself I don't need this crap from everyone!!!! argh

sorry for that vent!

sassy, ppm, everyone, hope you're OK.

TW well done for going, very brave of you and glad it wasn't too bad.

Hi PPM, hope you're OK

red wine with coca cola's good...as is vodka and soy sauce shots

top that for classy

Hey Crumpette - yeah not too bad today thanks - DH and I both had the day off, been transplanting my sunflowers into the garden, had a couple friends round for a bbq. Hmmmm I usually keep the cola for use the morning after the red wine .... back to work tomorrow and DH got to go to hosp for a minor op later in the week arggghhh! - I honestly don't know why you keep putting yourself through the pain your family are obviously causing you. xx

I feel a bit trapped PPM they know where I live, she wants to come up again this week on Thursday or Friday- it's MADNESS! I was saying 'er I don't know what I'm doing, ring me.. er.. I might not be in London' and they piledin insisting and saying I was being unreasonable! I just want to disappear- there is nothign healthy or nice about it, I really gets so anxious in the run-up and afterwards so upset- why should I do this anymore! I always bite my tongue, too. It's as if they 'own' me and actively relish coming to London to criticise and bully me. My sister was sulking when I said I wasn't sure about this week as she's off school and spoiltbrat is insisting on visiting again, but it's never a nice experience. I was such a nice person at that age, she must be the school b*tch! However, living with the example she has of my mother I can't blame her for being like that, it's been allowed by her parents.

red wine and coca cola is a kalimocho, it's nice. [drunken emoticon] sunflowers in your garden sound lovely, those bobbing yellow flowers will be so nice to see.

Oh Crumpette, they're bloody toxic your family.

Even if your dad's family had been saying those things, why would your mother report back (with relish) what they have said. She should be protecting you from these sorts of things.

Just thought I would mention that TW's H didn't suffer from liver failure, but like a few of us on here, his illness was connected to a virus.