The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Morning xx

Morning all , I went out with a lovely friend last night and ended up staying out until 2.30 this morning

I am def getting too old for this lark .

Great night though [grin[

You dirty stop out TW!

The last time I saw 2.30am was when I was doing a night feed months and months ago. I am such a lightweight!

How you doing today Shabs?

For Fathers Day I have bought a photoframe that is poster size and has about 16 different holes for photos in it, so I've gathered together and printed pictures of dh with C and with M and put them in the frame. It's a whole frame dedicated to my rock and his time with his boys.

And you know what, I have mostly been able to do it all without crying. There have defo been more smiles than tears, and I never thought there would be a time when that would be possible.

I'm going out and leaving Wilf alone for the first time on Sat night!! My friends husband has organised a charity evening in a marquee on the playing field behind our house. It's the nearest place that would dare leave him at home to go to!! School are going to work with residence and liase with im so he knows what he is doing!

Ilike that sounds like a lovely present , it is so lovely when you can get pleasure out of all those memories isn't it ?

I hope Wilf has fun on sat night Lottie .

I am soooooooooooo tired now . Is it bedtime yet ?

Im not looking forward to Fathers Day No Dad for me or Wilf...... Last year Wilf bought a Fathers Day card and we printed off a picture of a bottle of wine and a glass of wine (his dads fave thing) and put it in a plastic folder on his dads grave.

Forgive me ploughing in and ignoring anything that has been going on, but I can't believe what I nearly did and I feel crap about it.

I'd been seeing this bloke for a couple of months. I always knew it wouldn't go anywhere because of the age difference but I still really liked him. Anyway, one day I was saying that soon I would like to show him the pictures I have of Eris - not the touched up ones I have on display but the real ones.

I feel so thankful that I didn't show him them because it's all ended now.

Not thankful because of what he would have thought, but thankful that I didn't share the most precious thing I have with him.

So now it is playing on my mind that I "nearly" showed him something so private and personal, when our relationship is over so quickly and was obviously therefore not even serious.

She isn't to share with just anyone like that - she is special and should be cherished and protected. And I feel like a bit of a failure.

I know this is a rather bizarre post and I feel like I'm being silly, but at the same time I know that if anyone can understand what I'm trying to say then it will be you lot here.

FMN. I took the guy i saw briefly to see Jacks grave, he was interested in old buildings so took him to the church where Jack is buried. As a lot of you now know he turned out to be a grade 1 nutter and i wish i hadnt shown him Jacks grave!

It's just horrible isn't it? I feel a bit of a bad mother to her for trusting someone with her so easily.

FMN and Lottie - dont be hard on yourselves my friends.

You will never be judged here, ever!

We all do things that afterwards we think 'wish I hadn't done that' or 'so glad I didn't do that.' We are all human beings, filled to the brink with hopes, dreams and emotions. We are all just doing the best we can xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning all x

FMN and Lottie , please don't feel guilty for wanting to share the most precious thing you have with someone you care about .

It can never be a bad thing for someone else to know about your gorgeous children .

How is everyone this morning ? I am feeling more human today thankfully .

hello

yuuk just yuuk. ..

life is soo bloody hard. School induction day yesterday...was only an hour and a half but it was soo stressful..

all these other mums saying do you have other kids

I wish I could just get under my duvet and stay there

fm , big hugs to you xx

I remember having to do all that a couple of yrs ago , and also before that at the pre school . I am going to have to do it all again soon too . I am such a wuss and I just can't tell them the truth straight out at things like this . I wish I could it would make my life easier in the long wrong but hard for them in the short run and stupidly I always think about upsetting other people so I keep schtum .

For a long time now, when asked, I have said (about Tom) he is the youngest of my four sons. Then, depending on the day, the person, how I am feeling I either elaborate or leave it at that. It will become easier FM - I promise you it will. I do know exactly what you mean. Its very hard. xxxxx

{{{FM}}}

Isn't it silly that we worry about upsetting people? When I've talked about C for the first time with people, I've thought in my head 'well, that was a conversation killer wasn't it?'

FMN - you're beating yourself up too much about it. When you're in a new relationship it is often quite intense and you want to know everything about that person, and you want them to know about you too.

Eris is a huge part of your life and it's quite natural that you want to share her with others. You haven't betrayed her or anything. She'll be happy you are living your life and remembering her.

I agree with everything in your post Ilike - you speak the absolute truth. xx

Ohhhh FM HUGE HUGS xx I totally feel for you - I know exactly what you went through today and I don't know if it helped last year that I live in a small village where almost everyone who DS1 was going to school with already knew about gregor. Hang on to your duvet - as the lovely Shabs says - All WILL be well xx

I've had quite a roller coaster day today - my cousin is over on business from Finland and called me yesterday to say could he pop in today. I've heard hardly anything from him (and many other family) since after gregor's funeral. Anyway I sat in a garden centre cafe and bawled my eyes out as I told him from the heart how isolated I've felt from (what I thought was) close family members - he was soooooo lovely and immediately recognised he could have and should have done more to 'be there' for me - He assumed I was doing ok and admitted really honestly that he just didn't know what to say to me and also that it felt more real by starting to think about our reality so just didn't get in touch. It was emotionally exhausting being so honest (esp in such a public place) but I couldn't not tell him as we've always been so close. And I'm glad I did tell him. I think he was genuinely shocked at some of my new normal. He came and collected DS1 from school with me and then we headed for a walk and showed him the daffodils we'd planted in gregor's memory. Phew - just wanted to get that out somewhere xx

'well, that was a conversation killer wasn't it?'

That made me laugh because I think that a lot

Fmn I dont have words of wisdom. Its hard enough trying to figure out whether to tell work colleagues etc. never mind trying to figure out what to tell someone important in your life and when

Just remember Eris is proudly watching you trying to pick up the pieces of your life and just wants you to be happy.

ppm I am glad you found the courage to say out loud how isolated you feel. This is probs something I should do more of

Its good that your cousin was honest with you though I think I would be annnoyed at the whole issue of it would be more real if he contacted you. I would have been saying well how real do you think it is for me !

Now you have opened the channels of communication hopefully this will give you someone in the family you can talk to about Gregor.

And if he truly understands he may contact others and tell them how isolated you feel and enourage them to call you

PPM I havent said 'all will be well, all WILL be well' for so long - thank you for reminding me about that. I need the proverbial kick up the arse at the moment and you have started that kick off LOL xxxxx

OMG Tom just asked me, for the first time ever, how Gareth died!!!

Me: He woke up about 7.30 and cried so much he almost fainted...he was bright blue because of his heart problem. Me and Dad took him into our bed and we both put our arms around him. He settled down and we started to cat nap. About 5 minutes later I woke up and he looked so healthy and pink. I watched him for a few seconds and then realised he wasn't breathing. I ran downstairs, two at a time and rang 999 - by the time the ambulance got to our house (4 minutes) he was dead.

Tom: Oh Mum I bet you were very sad but very glad he wasn't ill anymore.

Me: yes love they were my thoughts exactly.

OMG that was very hard. My precious little twin baby I dont think about you often enough or tell you how much I love and miss you enough xxx

I met some new people who have moved to the village tonight, we got talking about Wilf and then they asked if i had any more children. I felt able to tell them about Jack, then a little while later we got talking about Radio 2 and i was able to tell them about the radio programme on suffering the loss of a child that Shabs and I contributed to last year.

Well done Lottie - very proud of you xxx

Thanks Sabs, I am proud that we were able to contribute to Ruth's piece and that our children were mentioned. I remember at the time you said it was good to hear the boys names.......When i had the plaque done for Jacks grave some people in my family asked why Wilfs name was on there as he was born after Jack was died, i replied that Wilf is a part of my family and deserves to remember the brother he never knew..........

Sabs? SHABS............. My H button isnt working well.