The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

is it today Shelley? Oh my goodness good luck and hope you have a wonderful day x

PPM I'm pleased your consellor sounds nice. I was told by the lady at the hospital that there wasn't much point in me having counselling as she thought most counsellors were a bit lightweight, iyswim, so I was put off, but I'm sure there are some great ones out there. You are normal, phew

I am a bit upset that I was told the park is 'full' of dedicated benches (just small little plaques on the park benches with names on) but I found lots yesterday with no plaques at all. I'd really like to have one with L's name on it because we were there every day. Also upset that DP doesn't want to cooperate with getting something to go on her grave- he says it's an unnecessary expense. Talk about lack of respect. It's nearly a year now, I guess, so it's time to sort it out. All the other children's graves have something on them so it looks like nobody cares, but of course I do I just have idiotface refusing.

Had a few bad days with DP.. he hates me for living in the past and 'can't care less' about L, he says. Great. If it weren't for you lot here I'd think I was losing my mind, you know when you feel like it's only you who remembers- and to then have it confirmed by DP- is crappy.

Saw my mother yesterday (error!) who said 'why on earth didn't you have her cremated?' talk about insensitive- she then said she thought it was 'really unpleasant' to bury her. I said that at the time I had nightmares about cremating her- I know it sounds mad, but I really had dreams that she wasn't really gone and I'd be burning her or hurting her in some way.. but to have my mother tell me I'm gross in my choices for my child to rest peacefully in a children's cemetery is a bit wrong? I seriously wish I could just emigrate and vanish from all these destructive influences around me!! I think it's Carl Jung who says you repeat the same behaviour patterns- so I can see that my mother was an alcoholic violent nutcase all my childhood and then I met DP who treats me in the same way!

Sorry for the me me post- just one of those days!!

I have no downloaded the pics from my phone of L. I can't bring myself to delete them from my phone though, or use a different handset even though it's really past it, because it seems a bit too final. I have also downloaded some films from the video camera that we have- but I thought there were more films of her, there's only 3, and the latest was in the september and she didn't get ill til January- she was walking and talking, and none of that is captured on film. They're also really short, about 30 seconds long each, and very badly filmed (DP) so I can't really even take freeze frames to use as pictures.. I hoped I could because there aren't really any pictures of me and L together- DP never took any so I wanted one..

sorry am rambling!

hi girls

I have been struggling for a few weeks now

Ross goes off to school in Aug so at the moment I am in a frenzy of inductuion days, forms and buying uniforms. So many firsts that we should have done last year

Then Ross said he was fed up with his room decoration so we have taken down the winnie the pooh stick arounds and have replaced them with thomas the tank

Thats the first change to that room since we prepared it for Frasers arrival

so much going on I cant seem to think straight. I am thinking of calling my works' helpline and seeing if I can get some counselling

sorry I am not much support to those of you with newer grief at the moment

Awww FMammy - you dont have to support everybody else. You really dont. I cant think of one person on our special thread who has just coped with stuff......On Monday it will be 18 years since I last saw my Matt alive......18 bleeding years. I still cant properly cope with it. Its too much to bear. You miss your precious child....you miss your precious child so much that it physically and mentally hurts. I love the sound of thomas the tank engine in your DS's room......I have wonderful memories of Thomas the tank engine Oh my friend dont apologise to any of us on this thread.....we all have a good idea what you are going through and how sad you are xxxxx

Morning girls xx

There feels like there is just soo much pain amongst us at the moment. I've also been very up and down lately.

Crumpette - do not let one person's (limited and perhaps negative?) response when you were in a particularly vulnerable headspace influence what you think could help you. If your instincts have a flicker of hope that counselling may help then go try it - in my experience you've nothing to lose - then if it's not for you you'll know. xx

FM - I was in that place this time last year and experienced so much bitter sweet in amongst such raw grief it was unbelieveable. Why don't you call the counselling helpline and see what they can do for you. You may need some extra support once he starts school in august but the lead up to it might be worse iykwim. The counsellor i see at the moment has been arranged by my work and although i have had a good experience i was oh so sceptical beforehand but figured i couldn't judge something i'd never tried. xx

Shabs - wish i could give you a huge hug, it's just so wrong and so unfair xx you got any plans for tomorrow? xx

Grief is not an illness it's a natural emotion and it scares some folks who have never seen it up close or experienced it themselves so we try to cover it up or hide it which is not really helpful - Everything we are feeling is normal. what is unnatural is that we outlive our children and that makes our grief even more painful. Talked a lot this week about learning to build gregor's loss (and his life) into our lives as the time goes by xx

PPM no plans for tomorrow to be honest. It just feels like....like... oh its just crap. I dont know the words except to say my shoulders are so tense and up around my ears, my concentration on anything is non existant, I just miss my lads. Matt would have been 26 in June and Gareth 29 in December - that also seems impossible.

for Shabs xx

Thanks PPM - much appreciated xx

I found a word that describes the way I feel - 'hopeless'

Yes it was yesterday. Thanks for your wishes. The day went well even got to the church on time. Matt was at the church he was standing behind his candle I just wanted to give him a hug. I knew he'd be there if he could. I got upset when the vicar mentioned him its what got me most the whole day. Wont get the official pics for a week or so but hopefully they will be online soon so we can look at them.

for everyone that needs them. I shall think of you tomorrow shabs.

On Friday afternoon Lew was playing in our back yard. I had the door open and I could hear him shouting 'Hiya girl' and he was waving to someone in a bedroom window. The wall around our back yard is about 8 feet high so I knew he couldn't see anybody over it. I went out and asked him who he was waving to and he said 'Mama girl' (meaning older girl)' ook anma up dare'. When DS1 came to pick him up he ran through the story again and we just listened to him.

I went up to my friends on Friday night and her SIL was there. I think if she was trained she could be a very good medium. She said to me 'this afternoon I sat quietly and tried to see if I could get either of the boys for you.' All I could see was a girl who had ginger thick hair, it was plaited in two thick plaits.' 'It was hard to tell her age because she had a very young face but I knew that she belonged to you because she was the image of your sons.' 'She was waving from Toms bedroom window at someone in the back yard!!!!!'

Then she said 'Why would I have got a girl when you have only had sons?' Well, I told her the story about Lew waving up at the window and then said in 1980 I had an early miscarriage. I was about 6 weeks pregnant. My Mum and I have often said we wondered if that baby was a girl and I just cant carry a girl.

Spooky or what??????

Young children are so able to sense things that we cannot, shabs. How peculiar but maybe comforting to know that someone is perhaps still there, if you get me.. It is truly fascinating if you start to look into all the actual evidence suggesting that people we lose are still here with us in another form. Fascinating but a bit of a head-f* for want of a better word !

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Shabs xx

shelleylou many many congratulations!!!! We all want pictures! So pleased you could sense Matt was there, he wouldn't have missed your special day xxx Congratulations and well done for getting through it x

PPM- I think you may be right, I'm struggling with having none tbh you never know until you've tried something do you.. argh.. are there specialist counsellors just for bereavement? I know nothing!

FM please don't apologise, I'm sorry also that I'm not in a fab place and I don't feel like I know what to say to support others but you know I don't think anyone minds(thank you) I have a wriggling DS on my lap he appears to have got a tooth already at 4 months, he is chewing my arm and it hurts and my typing has gone a bit mad..

It must be very bittersweet getting ready for Ross to start school. Sending you virtual cheesy hugs and all the strength you may need. xxx

Took some deep pink and white roses to L today- got them in the market near where we live. Feel a bit better now there's something nice there. It was weird, DS was in car screaming on the way for no apparent reason, I took him out in his carseat when we got there and he was silent the whole time we were there, good as gold. He just sat there staring intently, really serious, it was as if he 'knew'...

Gah, I just wrote an essay and the site crashed. So, from memory ......

Hope you're doing ok Shabs and I hope that this time tomorrow your shoulders will be a bit further down from you ears. I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow and I'll be on here tomorrow to see how you're doing.

FM - if you need help and it is on offer, take it. Take a deep breath and dial the number. C should have been starting school this coming Sept, so let's hold hands at the beginning of the school year xxx

Congratulations on your wedding Shelley, it must have been wonderful and sad in equal doses. When are you off on your honeymoon? I've been to Sidari but for the life of me I can't remember what it was like. However I liked everywhere I visited on the island, so you'll have a fab time

Yes I think there are bereavement counsellors Crumpette. Kings may be able to help you, but it would probably be easier to sort via your GP.

Just ignore your dp when it comes to the plaque and do what you want to do. It sounds like your dp and mother are sucking the life out of you. Grief is a heavy enough burden nevermind with people leaching the life and energy out of you as well. You don't have to surround yourself with these people. You can change yours and your ds's future. It won't be easy, but it can be done. Don't resign yourself to a life that can be changed and improved.

Oh my dear God - the scent of lilly's (my favourite flowers) is all around me....so strong that its like sitting next to one of those plug in air fresheners......if I move a step away its gone....I reverse my step and its like a force field.....when I think back 18 years I can see Matt in the accident....I dont need to write the details here, to be honest I cant write them...xxx

Cant sleep...wont sleep LOL!!! No idea why I am still on here and really need to go to bed. Shelley I think that by now you must be on your way to your week in Greece....I am very jealous - just look at my face I hope you have a wonderful time xxxx

Thinking of you Shabs, sending big hugs.

Night night.

Good morning girls xx

Morning x

Shabs how you doing this morning ? You and your darling Matt will be in my thoughts today x

Thank you TW - Im kind of 'flat' if you know what I mean....kind of 'nothing' to be honest....

shabs thinking of you and matt ,big hugs and holding hands todayxx

thanks love xx

I know ......

That is really weird about the girl with the plaits . And the flowers , comforting and scary all at the same time I would imagine .

That kind of thing fascinates me - and Matt always lets me know when he is around - one of his primary school friends just private messaged me on FBook. He said 'I hope you are doing what Matty always used to say - 'you have got to grab every day by the balls and shake it' Well that made my mind up for today -

That phrase of your Matts always makes me chuckle

Good luck with the ball shaking today x

The first time he said it I almost passed out

We were just walking to school - his little voice piped up 'Mam, we dont live very long do we, life is really short - I think you have to grab every day by the balls and shake it'