The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Thinking of you all today Che.

Hold R tighter than you've ever held him before and tell him all about his beautiful big sister xxx

Hi everyone... still a load of soul searching and struggling going on here. Still feeling really all over the place just now. So much stuff bumping around in my head. Feel like I've sunk to a new low since Gregor's anniversary - anyone else feel like that after the first anniversary? Someone come and tell me i'm not losing my mind pleasssse....

Chegirl - thoughts and love for you, your family and your darling Billie. Lots of love and hugs to you and yours xx

Many thanks for your support and kind words last night, I am feeling better today.

The poem you quoted Crumpette has really struck a chord with me, thank you for posting it on here.

C had 4 transplants and in all honesty it was probably one or two too many - but I can only say that in hindsight. DH was lined up twice to be a living related donor but both times a liver became available. The surgeons only use living related as the last option when it comes to acute liver failure as there is always a chance that the child and parent may end up not surving the surgery and the remaining parent would be left alone. A situation which is just totally unthinkable.

How are you NJ? It's sort of nice that your dc included Sydney, but it's a kick in the gut all the same isn't it?

Oh PPM - 28 years have passed since Gareth died and 18 years since Matt was killed but the feelings you describe are every parents feelings after each birthday or remember day. It all seems so final - and, I personally think, the first birthday and remember day are the very worst. In some ways it seems a million years since it happened and in other ways a split second.

If you are going mad then we will all come with you

Sorry PPM, I didn't see your post.

I think because I had ds a couple of months before C's 1st remember day his arrival distracted me from the awfullness of it all. But that's just my experience. Whatever YOU are feeling isn't wrong or different, but it WILL get better. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will.

Can you write down what is bumping around in your head? You could do it here or just write to down at home.

Thanks Shabs - I keep feel like i've hit a new 'low' then i seem to sink yet lower. Have been so wobbly and weepy today. Think i'll head out for a walk in the rain to try and see if fresh air and a walk around the woods and daffodils helps.

afternoon ladies,
Thinking of you and Billie today Che.
Not too sure what to say to anyone else really.

We have sentencing tomorrow so hope that goes the way we want it too. DS made me laugh had my hair done this morning picked him up from school and he told me i look silly. i agree with him

Shelley will be right by your side (in spirit) tomorrow - I hope you get some justice for your precious brother.

PPM - the only advice I can give is to keep active - walking is a great idea - also echo Moveits words to keep talking. I found a lot of comfort in writing down my feelings. When I read them back now I cant believe the progress my feelings have made. My early words sound lost and alone and then recently I realise that I have made massive, giant steps. We are all here for you my friend - never forget that xx

Thanks shabs, i do too.
Can i grab you on FB sometime for some greeek phrases please? I remember Yamas

Course you can love - are you going to Greece???? Oooohhh I so hope you are xxxx

That sounded awful!!! I dont mean going to Greece forever!! Just on hols

Thanks thats fab. Im going Sidari, Corfu for my honeymoon in just under 2 weeks :D Thanks to my lovely MIL and SFIL

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Shelley - that is amazing!!! My son has been to that resort and loved it............we have till the end of August to wait for ours........OMG I am getting giddy for you just thinking about it!!! I loves Greece, I do!!

Thats good then, I've read good things about it. Even got a club onpen till 8am... I'll be in heaven lol alhough not sure if DP will be able to keep up with me lmao. I frequently do all nighters with my db hehe. It will be here soon for you i pwomise hehe. I've never been, aprat from trips with school I've only ever been to Ibiza when i was 18...

Oh you will love it....the weather will be brilliant - if its anything like Rhodes at that time of the year it will be at least in the middle 70's if not warmer.....you cant believe how much you have cheered me up today - you have got me counting the days till I go 'home.'

Im looking forward to being able to relax for a week and come and go as and when i please hehe. Looking at average temperatures it will be 22/23 degrees i dont know what that is in farenheight(sp) Thats good days will fly by

22 is, I think 72....they are averages though - you will get good weather. xx

Thinking of you today Che. I will light a candle. xxxxxxxx

that sounds good to me still. x

Hi ILike - I'm OK thanks - I have never hidden from him the fact that he has an older sister that died, but I have never actually sat him down and explained what happened to her - I thought that I would wait until he asked me one day - so, I was very surprised to hear him talk about her, as if he had known her all his life.

Chegirl - I am remembering your Billie with you today.

che thinking of you and Billie today,big hugs.
ppm,joining you in going mad.....
dd1 had sweep today,if not starting going in saturday as a week and 1 day over alreadyxxxx

hi all

Che i have lit a candle in memory of Billie in Glasgow

I am soo fed up. I had a crap time in the weeks coming up to Frasers b/day and it took me a few days after to get back on track

I had had a conversation with my team leader around mid march who said you are not yourself.. we are worried about you .. cue floods of tears.. I think I posted on here about it at the time. That team leader is off sick

The person who complained to my actual tl decided they didnt eget the result they wanted so took it to the acting TL who again did the whole we are worried about you speech .. I wasnt for telling her at first.. just kept saying there was an issue .. its sorted..but you know that way there is just silence ...next thing you know I am tears again

I went to the person who complained .. said I was upset..he goes back to acting TL . FM has said you upset her .. cue another round of we are worried you are getting upset.

I am like tell me what you want me to do and stop this nonsense

This person has decided she has to put a plan in place to get my stats back up where they should be.. fine .. but then to make sure it happens she has to tell about 3 other follk

great now the whole f**n dept knows I cant cope ..even folk that werent there when it happened

The result is I have been in tears for days..

next time I feel dodgy I am going to phone in sick with a tummy bug.. it will be easier

sorry this is a bit incoherent

Frasersmammy - I know just what you mean.....why do these people say stuff like that - I wonder if the death of a child is something they cannot comprehend and so they say all these well meaning fucking blinking stupid things. I spent so many years crying (inside and out) and being judged by other people who hadn't even walked a step in my shoes. Thank God that nowadays I would react so very differently. I went to a barbeque (or bardecrue as Matt used to call them) on Saturday at my best friends inlaws. I know everybody there but they were all getting on my nerves.

I just stayed quiet because, in every social situation, there is always one person that gets on your last nerve end. This time it was the 14 year old bully niece!! I know she said something to Tom about being overweight. She said it so that the adults couldn't hear but Tom was fuming. He threw the last part of his food at her and she came to tell me all about it.

I know this story is not that relevant to what your going through but I have to finish it now LOL!!

I asked could I speak to her privately. I then said 'I have lived through loosing 2 of my 4 sons, I have listened to peoples opinions and thoughts. I am still here. I have survived somehow. You have just been verbally bullying my son....(anybody who is offended by swearing please forgive me) NOW you either shut the fuck up and stop verbally bullying my son or I will kick your sorry arse!!!

She shut up!!

Oh my dear God....I was just on facebook...wanted to send a message to my friends nephew Carl...I typed in the name Carl and an old friend from school was the first choice.

I clicked onto his picture because I thought it was a few months since we last spoke. When I trawled down his page I found out he died over a year ago I remember first meeting him...he was about 12 and I was 14. Everybody was playing on the local park. He was very cute and had bright ginger hair. We talked for a few weeks and then I tried to kiss him!!! He pulled away from me and said he didnt like girls - I remember not batting an eyelid and we stayed good mates.

About 2 years ago I looked for him on facebook. His picture came up and I remember thinking 'OMG he looks very gay!!' Believe me when I say that I have no prejudice against gay people but it was a shock to see that cute face in a very hunky body stood with his boyfriend. I made friends with him and we roared with laughter about me asking for a kiss and him rejecting me.

He had a house on one of the Greek islands and said I was such a slapper because we went to Faliraki!!! Brilliant banter carried on for more than a year. I asked him could I have a cleaning job at his beautiful house and again he rejected me.

We spent ages catching up and just laughing out loud.

Your poor mum Carl....she has outlived you....I hope you have found my sons in heaven and I really, really hope you havent let them know Im a bit of a slapper.

Such a shock tonight to read about an old friend xxx

Morning girls xx