The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

tw, I haven't, yet, because I feel like I'd probably not be entitled to a lot if I'm working, but I may be wrong. I would want to go back to work to remain a bit sane but I have no idea how to work it all out. I know he would make my life very difficult if I left- nobody has ever left him apparently so he would be quite furious, and yes financially it would be complicated. Feeling quite trapped.

Sofaloaf, hello
there are still lots of friends who don't know I've had DS since L died.. it's The Call all over again, because they know about L (via text, couldnt ring them) but they will start to want to visit or ask how I am - pah- and although I sound nuts I don't feel ready or able to see people yet who may ask about L crazy me! I have to agree that he is being a total idiot sadly as he was bad before any of this happened. Am just feelinga bit too weak to do anything about it. Right have to go, DP eyeing the screen [oops!]

thanks tw/nina/sofa x

tw no my mh issues are very very old history now, tbh though I dont really want to put this online I had v bad anorexia when I was very young (8/9) and struggled with it (had 20% chance of survival)in my teens but made a completely full recovery and went on to live around the world and do my degree. And then life was so so much brighter with L around because I thought I may not even be able to have children because of my earlier idiot behaviour. Re GP I think I just don't like to admit I may be struggling. It's definitely because of L, I think, as opposed to postnatal stuff. I feel exactly how you describe- the panic attacks and wandering with my head down.

and yes I think I am wary of my past, which is irrelevant, catching up with me or being referred to when I just need a solution for the present

I don't think it is means tested , the whole counselling / talking therapy thing . Certainly nobody ever asked me any questions . Gps and proffesionals have such a different take on mh issues now . They do tend to see it as something fixable rather than loonyness .

Be kind to YOU and do what you have to do to keep yourself safe (in your head and physically) I am aware that I am waffling bollocks but I do mean well I promise

The Mail on Sunday published a very negative article about Mumsnet last Sunday below is the letter which i have sent in response to the article!!

I was saddened to read the very negative article about Mumsnet. I belong to an ongoing Mumsnet thread which has run for nearly two years for bereaved mums. It was started by one very brave mum after the death of her daughter and many mums, myself included have posted on there and received thoughtful and helpful comments from other mums in our darkest hours. Mumsnet isn't always about " bickering bitching and bullying" It is also about helping people through the most traumatic times in their lives as well.

Dont know if they will publish it but i felt i had to write something in redress to the article!!

Oh well said Lottie xxxx

thanks xx

fmn...

how can you say you dont feel right coming along with opinions???If it wasnt for you this beautiful corner of mn wouldnt be here..

I think of you often...how are you and your family??

I cant believe its 2 years this week since you started your thread .. are you holding up ok??

well done lottie

I sometimes think the papers dont look beyond aibu

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

I meant to say yesterday I am sorry to hear about your gran Lottie , she sounds like an amazing woman and Wilfs letter sounded perfect x

Very well said lottie, I read that closet DM reader and was very saddened to see such bad press when there are threads like this. You have all kept me going for the past year. It's clearly just lazy journalism an 'MNer' starting a thread that will get offish replies and then quoting the responses, but it's such an unfair representation of what is really here. Makes me quite angry actually.

tw, thank you I keep berating myself for going a bit awol on the keen baby grouping neighbour (very awol) but I can't face it right now so for my own sanity I am avoiding. I'm sure she thinks I'm being very rude, but really can't. I do have a very nice GP, I last saw her just a couple days after L died and she gave me drugs and I was feeling really suicidal, she would understand I think. I'm just not quite brave enough to admit I need some help

I was going to ask, has anyone read any good books on this subject that they found helpful? I have heard of a book called 'when goodbye is forever' (don't like the title, too final!!) written by a bereaved father but it seems quite hard to get hold of and I'm not sure it's worth getting, I'm not sure it would help

Thank you FM. I know I have no reason to feel awkward or anything, but it's hard to get back into the swing of things and to keep up with whats going on!

We are all doing OK at the moment. There are up and down days with ex dp and the children are always throwing new dilemmas into our daily life!

I haven't admitted this to anybody else but I'm feeling a bit bad for forgetting the anniversary of eris's funeral ( I remembered a couple of days before, and I remembered a couple of days after but I didn't remember on the day. And it's only been 2 years. My emotional side feels like a terrible mother for it, but my logical side knows that I think of her every day anyway, so why should a date matter? But I'm sure you'll all understand that for some silly reason it often does.

FMN its only in the past few years that I have remembered my Gareths anniversary - sometimes life takes over and it takes all our energy to get through every day xx

It's my birthday today and my dh had a HUGE bouquet of flowers delivered to me and I love him for it - only thing is that it is full of St Joseph's lilies - ever since Sydney died I cannot stand the smell of them. It would seem that in South Africa, St Joseph's lilies are popular as funeral flowers, because every single flower arrangement we received after Sydney's death had some in it - they have a very strong, distinctive smell and I remember that the house still smelled of them looooooong after I had thrown them out. Never once, since her death have I been able to smell a St Joseph's lily without thinking of Sydney's death and the crippling period that followed - I have avoided them like the plaque for 12 years, only to now have them and their smell smack bang in the middle of my house, throwing me back to that time. My dh knows (but must have forgotten) about my hatred of them and all I want to do is fcking fling them through the nearest fcking window

Happy Birthday NJ. Only the best people have their birthdays in April. (mine was last Wednesday!!)

Thank you lottie and Happy Birthday for last Wednesday.

Happy Birthday NinaJane! about those flowers, smells are so evocative and can send you straight back can't they. I guess you don't want to throw them away could you put them by an open window? Or maybe think of it as Sydney's way of wishing you a happy birthday. The memories are so painful but they are about Sydney.That probably doesn't help. Sorry your DH got the wrong flowers but happy birthday from all of us xxx

Feedmenow, I know what you mean about the guilt about special days. I personally don't think anniversaries of funerals are as important as things like birthdays. In fact I am trying to block memories of L's funeral, to such an extent that I don't know what the date was. I know it was a Thursday in May, that's all. I just didn't want to be there! I could probably find out the date by trawling last year's thread but I just don't want to know. Don't feel bad, Eris would know you think of her all the time x And thank you again for this thread, FMN

Morning girls.

Sorry this is late but happy birthday Ninajane. xxxxx

Morning all, belated birthday wishes NinaJane x

FeedMeNow - please keep coming back here if it helps you at all as every one of us is very pleased to see you here and fully appreciates what you started xx

I'm feeling stressed this morning... Got a paed appt for DS1 in the hosp we went to the day gregor died - thing is the symptoms he had a few weeks ago when he got the referral have disappeared sooooo had considered not going but then if something shows up at a later date i'd not forgive myself ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And DH off to work and can't come with me so i'm flying solo! Gotta do it but not looking fwd to it.

Crumpette - still thinking about you - my GP came to my house regularly after gregor died - is there any way you could call and ask for yours to do a home visit? Would that help? They may be able to get you access to people who might be able to give you some support xx

Oh I hope DS1 is OK PPM, not nice having to go to the same hospital

I was about to be brave and go to baby clinic this morning but just couldn't manage it all these crazy scenarios flashed through my head and I thought I'd have a hard time because we hadn't been in a couple months.. etc etc.. so I haven't gone. Again. I did get on the scales (yikes) with him though and I've checked his weight on his chart and it's just over the 50th centile so I am not at all concerned about him. I just can't face all those questions/comments today.

Today's challenge is a trip to boots/the park (how excitingam I) I am really freaking out though at the prospect of having to go out my breathing and heart rate are through the roof, I feel so silly (hence why I'm stalling for time on MN and not yet dressed) I need to snap out of it it's nice and sunny here today, aaargh.. !

Oh thank you for that suggestion PPM. Even that terrifies me a bit, I think I really should have sorted myself out by now, it's not like it happened last week. I just think if I did see a GP I would say 'I'm fine thanks' and grin and then they'd wonder precisely why I was there!

Phewwwww I'm back and all is well. He was a wee star - I was a bit of a quivering wreck but helped by DS1's strength. No need to go back which is good. I do feel like a totally paranoid parent but heh that's life now i guess.

Hey crumpette... as others have already said it's absolutely normal to have a fear of going out and I have also had this - esp work related or even going out in the evenings its randomly worse some times more than others. I think having a newborn also seems to encourage more people to talk to you when you're out and about which i would have found intensely difficult and still would do at times even now.

I guess it depends whether you feel able to talk with your GP about how you're really doing - I don't think they'd be surprised as you think as what you are feeling is what we have all felt at times. I think they as a GP service may even have let you down by not giving you more support but they still can help you. I think i've prob said on here before my Health visitor was fab she just provided me with a regular listening ear. But I do know from other friends that HV's can be very hit and miss. Don't give up girl xx

Off to tackle some housework.... well maybe!!

Yay for DS1 PPM!!!

So I did go out but am seriously p'd off that I'd psyched myself up to ring the neighbour with the baby and invite her somewhere as my olive branch (3 weeks silence from me not v good) and then DP comes home- at 10AM- and expects me to spend my whole day typing up his work for him. So I went out briefly to get something in Boots and came straight back and I'm actually pretty angry that he's in the pub and he expects me to stay in doing his work. I'm just telling you this here because, you may understand, the effort and process of even getting showered/dressed/baby ready, emotionally prepared to spend day in park making peace with would-be friend, etc etc, and he comes home at 10am. I wonder why I even get up!

Sorry for rant. And to make matters worse, I have had a 'light' fake tan DISASTER and my legs and feet are patchy and orange. I never use fake tan usually but I was so pale I thought it was worth a shot to make self presentable in summery clothes. This is bad. Very bad, especially as on Sunday I have to go to some snooty lunch at some snooty pompous place with a strict dress code and I have nothing suitable to wear that will hide my orangeness.
Aaaaaaahhh!

Thanks everyone for my birthday wishes - I still have the flowers and my house still smells of Sydney and her death - don't have the energy to throw them out - only slept 1 hour last night.

Crumpette, why don't you wear some pantyhose to the posh party? Or some nice slacks, with sandals and a strappy top?