The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Yeaaaaah for unstuck!!

Unstuck - your words are so eloquent - they describe my feelings exactly....so profound....you really have an amazing flair for English. I suddenly became the woman who had lost two sons...I used to be the good looking but overweight woman who was an amazing mum. Then fate stepped in and took one of my twin sons - I fought so hard to keep him here and then one warm July morning he cried and cried until I took him out of his cot and cuddled him close to me. Me and my H had about 5 minutes extra sleep and when we woke up he was already dead. That Earth shattering moment when I looked at his beautiful elfin face that was normally bright blue and it was pink....AND HE HAD DIED!!!! How the fucking hell did that happen? Just, how the hell???

A couple of years after my DS3 was born....my Mattie - the little lad who brought the sunshine back. I nurtured him and protected him and then, because I am a stupid pissing mother, just before he was 8 years old I allowed him to play on his bike in the street. He promised me that he would be careful...within 5 minutes a lorry had reversed and crushed him to death....I am telling you now that if God exists he has forgotten about me and my sons....I hate this God person with a passion. If God exists he cannot love people - they nailed his son to a cross and left him to die....If God was a real person he would have got his lad down from that cross and saved him.

Oh my word I do rant and rave sometimes but I do not apologise for my feelings.

I have watched and read all your posts my friends, and tonight my mouth wont shut up!! I am so sad for all of us. I cannot believe that we all have to walk this crappy path. IT IS NOT BLOODY FAIR xxx

Morning girls after reading back my late night ramblings!

I think the jigsaw anaogy is brilliant... there are times like just now when I feel like no-one has noticed that I have changed

Everyone thinks I am soo strong because losing Fraser has notchanged me

morning.
your rambling made perfect sense shabs. I tried so hard last night to get sleep before 2.45am and failed miserable. I didnt want to be awake that time. As it is now 6 months ago my parents had just left after telling my brother was dead. Even asked my youngest brother for a fag in front of my parents i never do that. Then went and chain smoked as DP went and got me a load of fags.

I have just shamelessly copied this from some poor mummy who has just miscarried

Its lovely

MY PRECIOUS TINY SWEET LITTLE ONE
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TO ME
SO PERFECT, PURE AND INNOCENT
JUST AS YOU WERE MEANT TO BE
I DREAMED OF YOU AND YOUR LIFE
AND ALL THAT IT WOULD BE
I WAITED AND LONGED FOR YOU
TO JOIN OUR FAMILY
WE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO LAY
TO LAUGH, TO ROCK, TO WIGGLE
I LONG TO TOUCH YOU, HOLD YOU NOW
TO LISTEN TO YOUR GIGGLE
I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MAMMY
HE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR DAD
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE OUR CHILD
THE BABY THAT WE HAD
YOU ARE GONE YET YOU ARE HERE
I SENCE YOU EVERYWHERE
YOU ARE MY SORROW AND MY JOY
THERE IS LOVE IN EVERY TEAR
JUST KNOW MY LOVE IS STRONG AND DEEP
I WILL FORGET YOU NEVER
THE CHILD WE HAD BUT NEVER HAD
AND YET WILL HAVE FOREVER.

oh my word FM - that is very touching xx

I am supposed to be at work today but I just felt I needed a day to myself to reflect ...

I feel like a failure for having to take the day off but sometimes you just need to sit down and take stock of where you are

Morning all x yep agree that's just beautiful FM.

Morning all x

FM , don't feel like a failure , you need to be kind to yourself and it sounds like you are doing all the right things x

FM that is beautiful. I'm sure she won't mind you posting it here. Gosh has brought a tear to my eye.

Ilike thank you for your post, that's what I needed. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I do feel such guilt, about everything. What really haunts me is a conversation I had with a transplant coordinator when she was deteriorating again, but before she went back to ICU. she said have you thought about what you would do if she needed another transplant? And I said 'no she won't need another one she's fine' and she said 'yes but she has a tendency of going downhill so rapidly' and told me about all the people who had had 4 liver transplants and then died.. and told me their parents had said they should have stopped earlier..but she didn't say about those who had had 3.. and I didn't think it was important to really consider the question because at that stage she was fine.. so I said what I thought I should say, but not what I meant at all: 'I can understand that if another child needs the liver, who would be able to get a better quality of life and survive, then the liver should go to that child and not L' but we had casual chats all the time and I didn't think she'd take that as being my opinion, properly, as it was so informal. BUT it seems that that one comment was written in the notes as 'discussed 3rd transplant with mother, doesn't want it' it is all my fault. I didn't mean it. I had no idea she was about to crash- I thought she would be OK as did the doctors on that day, so I didn't consider the implications in real terms. I hate myself for that day.

sorry, ranting again.

unstuckperson your analogy of a jigsaw is exactly how it is.

PPM- I share your reduced compassion--- and it's not just for planes, it's for anything- even people dying I don't care [evil person emoticon] I've just gone ice cold

Right, totally off topic so I'm sorry, having a hard time with DP at the moment.. as usual.. but he said to me last night he was 'going to work early in the morning for sex'
and he didn't retract it, he just said it's my fault because he doesn't have it at home (sorry to lower the tone) but really, I hardly feel like that right now. You know, death of child, new baby, him being a prat, all of which are not conducive to a happy relationship if there were already huge cracks. I wish I could leave, but feel so trapped.

Morning girls xx

morning girlsxx hope everyone ok......still no baby dd1 is going to be induced next week if doesnt come before

morning allxx

Hi all, have had computer probs so havent been about for a couple of weeks. My much loved grandmother died on Easter Sunday. She was a total legend. She was nearly 98 and died in a chair at my much hated stepmothers with a glass of champagne in her hand. What a way to go.In the 1970's just before he died My Grandad sent Grandma to the Birmingham Motor Show to buy a new car. She rang up and told Grandad that she had found a new car she couldnt remember the make but it had three letters! (BMW!! ) She was buried last Thursday right near Jacks grave. We have a family plot in the graveyard. Jack is buried at the top next to my Grandads brother and sister who died in the early 1900's as children. Wilf didnt come with me. He wouldnt have coped at all well with the funeral and everyone crying. The undertakers were so lovely, i rang them up and explained about Wilf and asked if i posted them a letter would they put it in the coffin and they agreed. I copied the letter and Wilf wrote that "he remembered going to Grandmas when he was small and also going to Grandmas recently for tea and a chat with Hayley and Mummy".Jack's grave had daffodils flowering on it so i picked some and dropped them on Grandma's coffin. She was a wonderful lady and i will miss her very much.

Hi all.

Crumpette - I feel so for you that your dp is so ugly to you. I've been thinking about why that could be - I know this is not the 'relationships' thread and please feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but I think I know why he is being so horrible to you.

Most men, in my experience, are very goal orientated - they just want to fix things all the time - when we just want to talk or vent, they feel they need to fix the situation. My dh is the same. Sometimes I just want him to hear what I have to say - I don't expect him to do anything about it or to try and fix the situation - men are not good at this, this just listening thing. If they are presented a problem, they jump into fix-it mode.

When you want to talk to him about L, his first instinct is to want to fix the situation, but then he realises that it can't be fixed. L is gone and he realises that nothing he can say or do or suggest is going to change that. I think that his being ugly to you has got a lot to do with his feelings of helplessness in this regard - every time you mention L, he is reminded that as a man, he cannot make things better for you - he cannot fix this and he feels powerless and desperate and inadequate - he tries to hide this from you, but it boils over into ugliness, directed at you, every time you mention L.

I am sorry crumpette - I'm sure the last thing you need today is psychobabble from someone you don't even know, but I feel so much compassion for you for all the things you have to deal with at the same time.

I will shut up now

Good afternoon ladies.

I have just had a scan through some of the posts and see that there is a lot going on, as always. I don't really feel able to comment on some of the things because I haven't been here for so long, and don't know a lot of the names. It wouldn't really be right for me to just turn up and leap in feet first with my opinions!

I had a lovely message from Shabs on FB the other day about the forget-me-nots. Mine are out and they remind me every time I see them of each and every child that should have been here but isn't.

I hope all the old faithfuls are well? xx

Feedmenow Hiya my lovely xxx

For any new ladies FMN little girl, Eris, is the reason we all have this special thread to meet up on. FMN was brave enough (after being pushed into it ) to make our safe haven for us.

Dont be a stranger my friend xxx

feedmenow we are all so grateful for this thread, I hope you feel able to post here, you are so so welcome. I would be utterly lost and probably quite mad if our safe haven was not here, so all I can say to you is thank you for starting it.

lottie I'm sorry about your grandmother, she sounds like such a fabulous character- BMWs and champagne! I think Wilf writng a letter was a very nice idea.

NinaJane thank you for your post. I have to admit I read it thinking 'yeah yeah.. he's just a bastard he never cared..' but I said to him just now when our paths briefly crossed in the kitchen out of curiosity that I think he is horrible to me because he is upset about L so whenever I mention her he is evil and nasty.. and I expected him to say something evil in response but he CRIED and said 'yes. I miss her. She was my baby, I find it so hard not to cry every time we go to the cemetery I hate it and I hate you talking about her' so, thank you Nina..

having said that though, he is currently yelling abuse at me from the other room so I think his momentary honesty is just that, and also he was really nasty to me before anything ever happened with L so it might just be something that's a catalyst for him to be mean, but I hadn't believed he cared

FMN , it is lovely to "see" you again xx

crumpette , I am always wary of talking to you about your dh ( I know that it doesn't always stop me ) but I really feel for you , as you say he wasn't that great even before L died I do wonder if he will ever be the man that you want and need . I wish I could be more practical help to you , just scoop you up and put you in a safe place . How are you doing ? Really ?

tw, don't be wary, I can't really talk about it anywhere else.. he won't ever be the right person, no. As much as I want things to work I know it never will but losing L has made it so much harder to put everything into any real perspective, I mean there's no way I'd have had another baby with him had she not died. And I feel much less strong than I did when I had her, I was literally about to leave the week before she got ill. To be honest I'm very very low at the moment, worse than usual. Better than a few days ago though. Struggling to see a way out or forward, if that makes sense. My darkest moments are not good, but of course I have to appear to stay on an even keel to look after DS.
sorry for venting I don't expect solutions or anything it's just so helpful to articulate it. thank you all

Its a busy old place today. Haven't been online for a while, had a tough couple of days and went down a hole for a bit.

Hate to rehash old stuff from a couple of days ago but Crumpette and ILTMIMI just thought I would say how helpful it has been reading your discussion about withdrawing care. Its something I have gone over a lot in recent weeks. Keep thinking of that moment where the light went out in her eyes and I thought "my god what have we done" and you just want to reverse it. But you can't. And I know we did The Right Thing but I think its going to take a while before I truly get it.

Love the jigsaw analogy Unstuck/StuckPerson. And the molecular thing is so apt (v.Dr Who). I feel just like that, as if I have been transplanted into a life which looks like mine in all other respects but surely can't be mine, because how can my baby have died? I walk along the street assuming its written all over my face. But everyone still treats me the same so I guess its not.

BTW, super-brave to contact your old friend like that. Glad you feel better for it. I know what you mean about telling people and worrying you will ruin their day. Like it matters! But I too felt really bad about it, and there are still some of DH's mates you don't know yet and am dreading one of us having to make The Call.

On the relationship thing I am stumped as as am truly shocked. This is the lowest behaviour. If I were feeling kind I would suggest that he is holding on to a lot of anger and needs to work through it. But I'm not, so I think he is just being a total idiot.

Best get on. After a couple of really dark days I am back into displacement activities at the moment. Currently it is sanding and varnishing the garden furniture. Be back soon xxx

Have you ever spoken to womens aid or the cab to find out where you would stand if you did decide to "go it alone" ? Just because you have a chat with them doesn't mean you definetly have to leave just that you know what your options are . It does sound like it would do you the world of good to talk to someone about all this and to find a way of being happier . You deserve so much more than what is being handed to you at the moment .

To be honest I think I need to do something about it. I have an ancient history of depression/anxiety from childhood, but I thought I was OK. I'm not sure how much of my present mood is about L, or possibly a bit of PND thrown in. But I definitely wouldn't want to take ADs as they didn't do me any good before.. and I was much better for years and happy when I had her even when DP was horrible I still had her and she was such a ray of light in my life, and then she died, so everything sort of came crashing down. I think I feel worse now I have DS and I'm not busy at work and there are financial issues complicating it too. I get very anxious going outside which never used to happen and I have flashbacks still of specific images of L's illness every few days. I'm a bit scared to go to my GP incase they think I am mad! I don't want to be on the radar in terms of mental health issues because before L died I was fine...

I have got no history of any mental illness but I also hated going outside after Harry died . I used to get panic attacks and wander around with my head down . But I did tell my gp about it and although I never took any meds I did go and talk to a counsellour and a psychologist about how I was feeling and it really did help . Are you worried that if you are on their radar for mh issues that it will cause problems for you and your ds ?

Honestly I am pretty sure my gp did think I was mad but she helped me , she didn't lock me up , and tbh at the time I would have welcomed a padded cell and some crayons with open arms , I even told her that