The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

Can I highjack? Just posted on the Mental health thread but no-one seems to be around. Should go to bed but feeling very low, like I just don't want to do it anymore. I go through the day all fine fine fine and then get to the evening and just want to stop forever. And no-one gets it, no-one understands, no-one even mentions my brother. To them a year means time passing but I feel like I'm still living through the week before he died.

Sorry, just needed to cry and noticed this thread was still active and know you guys know how painful it all is.

Hiya MissM - you are not hijacking at all. I remember being outraged that the World kept turning - even though my two sons had gone - remember thinking how soddin' heartless people were. You will always get support from the amazing girls on this thread - anyone who has been 'touched' by bereavement is always listened to here and supported. Im very sorry to hear you lost your brother xxx

Would it help you, do you think, to tell us about your brother - if you dont want to I can understand that - just that sometimes telling other people helps xx

Morning girls xx

Good morning all xx

How we all doing this morning ?

School is open

Tom set off for school at 8am - its still not properly light here and the sky is heavy with snow!!! good to get back to some kind of normality though!

Thank you Shabba. I've been on here before in the past, and am a regular on the bereaved siblings thread but that one tends to go quiet from time to time as we all try to make sense of it all. My brother died of cancer a year ago (well, more like 15 months ago but part of me doesn't want more time to go by as that makes me feel like I should be coping better). He was only 32, a brilliant musician and talented and wonderful person and just at the beginning of an incredible future. He and my other brother are the only people who understand me perfectly and most of the time I just don't understand why he had to die.

I feel sometimes like I inhabit a different world from everyone else, as no-one seems to 'get' how bloody awful it is to watch your brother die. Of course there are people who do, but mostly friends just don't know what to say, so they say nothing. It's like if they say something they might catch it too - I found that when he was ill as well.

Oh yes people do think that bereavement is 'catching.' How are your parents? The enormity for me of loosing a 7 month old boy and then a 7 year old boy has been, at times, impossible to comprehend. I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a much older child. So sorry to hear about your wonderful brother - he sounds as though he was amazing xx

Morning,

Miss M im finding that people fade away after a little while. So many people came forward when Matt was killed. Not even 3 months on most of them have moved away, the majority of those that have stayed wont talk about my brother to me or ask how we are. Its as if I should be over it by now and he didn't exist. It annoys me as i have to talk about him. Theres programmes and adverts on TV that i can't watch i go out the room on some 'errand'

My parents are struggling too, especially my mum (well, more visibly anyway). It's like we're all in our own little grief worlds whereas I thought we'd all be really close after he died. Why do people run away? I find it so strange, like not mentioning it will somehow make it not be real. I read what someone on this thread said about her hairdresser going silent on her when she mentioned her DD who had died and have been thinking about it ever since - how could someone treat anyone that way, just because they are embarrassed? It's inexcusable.

You would imagine - looking in from the outside - that a massive loss like we have all gone through would make a family closer - but in my experience it doesn't. I have been married for almost 32 years and my marriage came very close to ending when the boys died. We grieved so differently. My H cried all day and couldn't function and I stood alone propping every other person in my family up.

I am having a 'why me - its not fair' kind of day. Feel so very miserable and lower than a snakes belly. I know it will pass but I wish it would hurry up.

Sorry people are feeling down today - this grey weather doesn't help.

I've just left a msg on another thread inviting people over (the one about feeling uncomfortable about photos of a stillborn baby being posted on facebook). There are some sad mummies that might not have found us here.

MissM - my db died 19 years ago & it still seems unreal. I think grief strips us bare, which is not always easy to cope with. It's a cliche, but true I think, to say that it either breaks us or makes us stronger. The trouble is knowing which way our relationships are going when we're in the middle of such pain. I wish you much love when the days are dark.

Z x

Morning all.

Many many congratulations crumpette, such lovely news

I think it's a great idea fm and one I have thought about myself. Like TW said, as long as you have the backup and support you need to do the job, then go for it.

MissM - maybe try slipping your db into conversation. I often find people are unsure whether to mention C or not, but if I mention him it's almost like I've given permission to talk about him.

How are you doing now PPM? You know we're always here for a cry, chat and/or rant xxx

I'll try and chivvy the day along for you Shabs, but in the meantime I'll give you a virtual hug instead xxx

Thank you for your kind and supportive words everyone, especially when you are feeling low. Shabba every time I read something from you it's so lovely and positive and kind that I can't imagine you feeling low. I'm sorry that you are and am sending you hugs.

Ziggy I wonder how we know if grief is making us stronger or breaking us. At the moment I feel as though it's breaking me, but on the other hand there are many ways that I feel strong - in carrying on being a good mother to my children, for example, and really cherising the time I have with them more than I think I would have if my brother hadn't died. I just worry that in the long term I will be broken, and what does that mean for my future life?

None of you seem broken to me though, and you have all gone through the most dreadful thing that can happen to a mother.

MissM - this might sound silly but when my little boy died I had a very strong sense that my heart broke. Not shattered, but split apart into lots of pieces. Each piece was connected though, & slowly, infinitessimally, the pieces have pulled together again. Every act of kindness, every expression of support, all the love that surrounded us helped patch my heart back together. The birth of my youngest added strength, but me & my heart are still so fragile. You are nearly at the end of the first year, which is so tough: keep being kind to yourself & just take the step that's in front of you if you can - don't worry about the rest.
Hope some of that makes sense.
Z x

MissM , I am so sorry to hear about your brother and if you ever want to talk about him I know there will always be someone here who would love to listen .
When you are in the midst of grief it does feel like you are completely broken but slowly and surely those pieces join back up again . It really did feel like a physical pain to me and one that has taken many years to get back to some sort of normality .

I never like to think of it as making me stronger as I can't bear to think of a positive coming out of something so awful but it has certainly made me less likely to waste time , I make the most of my days now and I find it really hard to worry about the small stuff now . And tbh most things are now small stuff ...

Shabs I am sending you a bit fat hug , just wish I could send you off to Falaraki , I have a feeling that might just help

aw shabs big hugs,this weather is getting us all down,
i finished work at quarter past seven and didnt get in till 8 ,no traffic moving i could walk this in five minutes ,its that bad.
i hate this bloody weather.

Hiya everyone x

Cheers for the hugs Shabs, think i can kindly return the favour today ... you felt any better as the day's gone on?

Been at work again today. Am struggling with loads of stuff just now ILike , work being just one of them. Have had a few days where i can't see the woods for the trees IYKWIM! DS1 had been crying every morning Nov and Dec going into school so am working with him and the school and a good old star chart to get him going in without clinging and crying... He's absolutely fine once he's in there and its a fine line between taking a firm line on 'you have to go to school' and letting him express his emotions. Had become a bit of a habit so been working hard to try to break it - we're 3 days in and so far so good....

Sometimes it just all gets a bit too much doesn't it PPM? If I'm feeling ill or stressed (for whatever reason) I find grief comes and bites me on the bum big time. It's almost like it's giving me a kick when I'm already down - the bastard.

Your poor ds, and poor you. It must be hard for both of you xxx

I am soo fed up tonight..

seems rats have moved into the street and are making a nuisance of themselves. You know i used to be one of life's copers but since Fraser everything seems 4 times harder

there is poison all round the house now .. god why is life so hard

anyway .. our lovely thread is running out again..

any volunteers for a new one.. what about one of our new mummies

i was thinking that earlier x

The family who own the hotel we go to in Faliraki must know how I am feeling today. They have emailed me to wish me Happy New Year and the email is both really funny and very touching roll on August!

Morning girls xx

morning girlsx

Good morning everyone xx

Shabs I hope you are feeling a little better today .

Any volunteers for the new thread ? The end of this one is suddenly very nearly there .

I have got a whole two hours to myself which I haven't had since before christmas
Hurrah for me

I dont mind doing it at all xx

Feeling a bit better thanks love. xx