The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

It feels like this

Everlong - if you are reading I hope this song choice does not upset you - I know it has a special connection for you and your precious boy Oli. Even the way Adele sings it describes how my heart feels. xxxx

Shabs you are so right that they are incapable of fixing things for us , I think for me I just found it a help spewing all the stuff out of my head at someone who wasn't going to cry or tell me that they were hurting too .

You have every right to be greedy and what I wouldn't give for just one more moment ...

All the feelings stay just at the back of my throat and in my heart and head....one small sign of weakness and they spill out....usually at my friend Chelles!! I can sit there and just quietly cry and she doesnt judge me and usually ends up joining in xx

She sounds like the best kind of friend xx

We all need someone like that in our life .

I think for me I got to the stage I wanted to be selfish and just talk and talk without anyone else bringing their own stuff to the conversation . It had to be about me and Harry and noone else .

i often wonder about going back to counselling

I went once and this mad woman said can you feel inside your body.. well I can feel my baby moving. I mean can you feel your heart, your lungs, your kidneys

I remember sitting there thinking if I could feel any of these things I would be seeing a gp not you

Then she starts going about my childhood. I just wanted her to say it was ok for me to feel the way I do about Fraser

Its not greedy to want to hold your child and tell them you love them one more time or even to say it for the first time.
I want to hold Fraser and say sorry for not taking better care of him that I am sorry that I didnt stand my ground and tell the hospital something was wrong

well girls im must be bloody greedy,cos i want ,need jayden back and make everything back how it was,my dd told her dad once she felt so guilty because of how his death left me,fucked up i suppose and that makes me feel worse,because i cant bring him back.
we used to call him our little rugrat,he had ginger sticky up hair ,and such short legs,but christ i miss him so bloody much.
i saw a beravement councillor after jayden died for a while but she said she couldnt help me .so i was referred to mental health proffessional ,didnt help me much ,i dont think,i still want to scream and rant and thjis is best place

Oof this is a hard thread to read without crying!

You are all very brave, and have given me a lot of hope. It feels good to know that we are not the only ones, and although I would never EVER wish this on anyone, its still good not to be alone.

xxx

.... but having re-read my last message back all I can think is " yes that's all well and good, but I still want my little boy back".

xxx

Welcome saucepanman, I'll be thinking of you and your darling Joseph today.

Your post was very interesting and not waffly or boring at all. It feels good to talk about our children doesn't it? Pregnancy is quite an odd experience anyway, but I really do believe it's even harder when you are bereaved mother. Well actually, I think everything is different when you are bereaved mother.

abiabi - I remember feeling the way you do. I really did know that C was gone, however there was this tiny tiny piece of me that for a few seconds would believe I could have him back. Then realisation dawns and the stomach churning longing begins again. I can't remember how long this lasted for, but it did pass.

Sorry, I am on a bit of a roll tonight and have lots to say as there is lots of stuff floating around in my head.

I realised this week that M is now older than C will ever be. It's a really odd feeling, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

I have never felt the need for counselling, but for some reason I have an inkling that I will need to in the next few years. I don't know why I feel like this tbh, I can't explain it. DH and I talk a lot and aren't afraid to tell each other what we're thinking/feeling, so I don't bottle up anything (well, not much anyway), but I just feel that in the future that won't be enough.

It interesting what Abi said about being defined. I defo feel defined by C's death, not just in other people's attitudes, but in my own. Quite truthfully I feel part of me died the day that C died and that I have changed. To most people I am no different, but I feel it and I can't quite explain how.

Although I don't feel like I'm walking around with a neon sign on my head anymore. I remember that feeling very well. I felt like an empty shell with a fuck off huge sticker on my forehead saying 'my son has just died'. It was such a huge huge thing that had happened to us that I felt it must be blatantly obvious to people what had just happened - even strangers in the street.

Sounds like a lovely dream everlong. I had a dream about C the other night actually. I didn't see him as such but I knew he was there, mucking about with his brother

Night night ladies, sleep well. I'm off to my bed soon xxx

Morning girls xx

Hello everyone thanks for the lovely welcome. Actually yesterday wasn't too bad, probably the best I have been on a birthday yet. I did make the mistake of going into the chapel at the crem for the first time since his funeral- don't know why, but that was upsetting. Still I had to do it one day.

Frasersmum yes we had a PM but it was inconclusive. He was small for dates though, so they think the placenta probably wasn't working properly. With dc2 I had 38 scans! I did have him 9m later though, so was in basket case territory.

I am so sorry for all your losses, am really relating to a lot of what you have written xxxx

Hi, i havent been into the chapel at the crem since db's funeral but went to the crem a few days afterwards to see his flowers properly. Took photos of them so ds can see them when hes older. Dispite him recognising them now they are "Matt's flowers". That in itself was very hard to do but can understand that going into the chapel is much more difficult.

I had a first yesterday too. First time ive been to the hospital since seeing db in the mortuary. Had to use the stiars that leads to it aswell luckily we were going up rather than down. Just seeing that sign brought back so much. I went to visit my other brother who is rather ill atm. I looked at him and just saw matt. Had to tell myself i was being silly buit of all the designs of gowns in that hospital they had the same one on. When he was first admitted he was in the room that matt was in and my parents signed the paperwork in.

Sorry had to have a bit of a ramble and get it out.

Good morning everyone xx

Morning girls - Morning TW xx

How you doing Shabs ? I have taken all the shiny shite down now and dh is back to work today so feeling a bit more normal today
Well as normal as I ever do x

Im ok love - our shiney shite came down yesterday!!

Tom back at school tomorrow.

I met Gracie Lou yesterday! Awwwwwwwwww so very beautiful. Complete opposite of all the my boys and my nephew - she has chubby cheeks, masses of very dark brown hair and has the same skin tone as her mummy - Becki looks Spanish or Italian.....was a massive relief because I was expecting her to look like Matt or Gareth. Lew is besides himself with jealousy was not amused when any of us held her. My Mum and Dad are just gobsmacked with her - Dad couldn't hold her because he didnt want to 'hurt her' and just sat smiling at her - Mum held her for an age and ended up crying snotty quiet tears on her!!!!

Aww! nothing beats holding a newborn does it ? And a wee girl as well , I would have loved a little girl .

Good luck for Tom for tomorrow (and you xx)

You can't beat taking the shiney shite down can you?!

People are funny about holding newborns aren't they? They're either worried about hurting them, or they're itching to have a cuddle (which is me!)

shelley - sorry to hear about your db, I hope he's getting better.

Can't believe Dee and Crumpette are due soon, does anyone know when Che is due?

Afternoon ladies; hope you are all well.

We are enjoying an afternoon of DVDs today, its the calm before the storm as we are having Archies funeral tomorrow at 10.45am. In an odd way I am looking forward to it, I just want to set my little boy free; please all have a drink for us tomorrow night.

Yesterday was such an awful day, worst yet, that I dont feel bad about enjoying feeling mellow today.

Congrats on Gracie-Lou! xxx

Abs

xx

Abi , I will certainly raise a glass or two for your gorgeous Archie .

I am glad you are managing to have a peaceful day today . What are the plans for tomorrow ? You will be in my thoughts and a candle will be lit here in Sussex x

Oh Abi - I will light my candle to send you all love tomorrow and will certainly raise a glass for your precious little man.....I have smiled and quietly cried at your words about wanting to set him free. How very true....never forget we are all here for you whenever you want to post - will be thinking about you and I am sending all my families love from Lancashire xxxxxx

Thanks ladies.

James and I are going in the car to the Woodvale Crematorium in Brighton: the service begins at 10.45 and will be relatively short, and then our families are going off to have a meal together and James and I are going for a meal to celebrate Archies life (or get drunk and shout at the sea, whatevers easier...!)

xx