The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

It is painful Everlong , I never realised how physically all this would hurt never mind emotionally . I don't get Harrys memory box out as much now but when I do , I always feel weirdly better for doing it . It always makes me feel that I have in some small way made contact with him again .

Lots of love and strangth to you today x

Just wish we could do more xx

In and out most of the day if you need a rant xx

Have been holding you in my thoughts today Everlong....cannot believe its a year since we first 'spoke' here on Mumsnet. Have emailed you darling. Im glad that you looked in his memory box - I know its hard but treasured memories. xxxx

My thoughts are with you everlong.
The poem i read for my brother is called My Last Ride.
My hands are clenched around chrome bars
The engines rumble sounds so sweet.
I twist the throttle with my palm;
The world slips by beneath my feet

The slapping of my leathers
and raging wind on either side
drum a beat of sweet contentment
as i ride this....my last ride

Alone on my tin pony
to N...irvana ive been called
but fret not, my dear loved ones
I'm not lonely hear at all

The landscape now is just a blur
as tears stream from my eyes
My bike and i leap forward
off into the waiting skies

I hope i touched your lives one day
and left a treasured mark
Now i ride of to FOREVER
with you memory in my heart

Shelley that poem is so lovely , How the hell did you get the strength to read that ?

How you doing today ? I know your pain must still be so raw at the minute .

Thank you seamed so fitting for my db but at the same time strange as it was a bike he came off. Im sure my brother was next to me with his hand on my shoulder as i read my eulogy to him and then the poem. Poem had to be said at the end of it. I had to do it for db. I kept looking to the one side sure he was there.

Im in a bit of a state today. My parents have just brought round the photo of his bike i wanted (having it as a tattoo) and the certificate from ds's christening. DB is ds's godfather aswell as his uncle. Jut asked my parents if they could bring me his birthday cards for me to keep. Saw them in his lounge when i was there the other day. Figure it will be nice to show ds what he ment to his uncle when hes older as he'd kept the card. Birthday was june.

Thinking of you today Everlong. Don't think we've 'met' but understand your pain today and always. Hope you're getting your way through the day as best you can. xx

Shelleylou that poem is just beautiful and you must have found a strength from your DB to enable you to read it. Take care of yourself xx

ILike - been thinking of you too today, your post really moved me to tears xx

This week has got easier for me but has been one of the hardest i've been through so far. Going to try to relax over the weekend somehow before facing work again monday and tuesday. The intense grief I experienced on mon/tues/wed was unexpected and has just exhausted me - I don't know which one of you had posted previously about the tiredness of a bereaved parent but it's so true xx thank you one and all for being here for me this week especially. Just knowing that what i am going through is 'normal' does help.

Hello everyone

Love to all who are feeling down today.

I need some help, please. My DS's ashes are still at the funeral parlour & we have no idea what to do...It's over 3 years now... Does it help to have a specific place to go to? I don't know if I could face scattering but that might be right. A friend of mine keeps her daughter's ashes at home, but I'm not sure about that either. Some wise words of experience would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, Shelleylou - so sorry to hear about your brother. My little brother died in a car accident a whole lifetime ago (he was 21) & I so remember that utter shock that resonates throughout the family. I found it v hard to know how to support my mum. Well done for finding the strength to read his eulogy - I still feel my DB at my shoulder when I ask.

Thanks I thought the poem was appropriate for db.

Ziggy, how about a necklace that you could put some of his ashes in. Theres quite a few available on ebay. We are doing this so db is always with each of us. Also having a small ern at mums with some of dbs ashes in then scattering some at a fishery. Could you do something like that?

Ziggy , we had Harrys ashes interned at the local churchyard and it really helped me for the first couple of yrs to have a place to go . In the first yr I was there nearly every day . But now nearly 8yrs on (I still can't believe it has been that long , how the hell did we do that ?) I hardly ever go and tbh it gives me a lot of guilt to think of it being not well tended .

I do know of a parent that still has her sons ashes at home and that is fine for her but I think I would struggle with that . Where do you put them ?

Shelleys necklace idea sounds like a nice one but for me I don't know if I could have coped with seperating them . But that is obviously a personal thing .

In hindsight I think if I was 3 yrs down then I would think of scattering them in a special place where you could go but not feel tied to if that makes sense .

I think that for me once you have decided you will know it is the right thing for you at the time xx

Ilike how are you doing today ? I know I often suffer more the day before than the day itself .
Thinking of you and Cole today xx

Thanks TW and for everyone elss kind words. I am oddly calm today, so I hope there isn't an explosion tomorrow. Maybe yesterdays wobbly cleared things a bit. Who knows?

I bought some flowers today to put on Cole's grave and while we were buying them we bumped into a lady who we went to antenatal classes with when I was pg with C. And there with her was her daughter who is only a few days older than C. What a cruel bloody twist of fate that was, bumping into them the day I am buying flowers for my sons grave.

ziggy - ds is buried in a woodland site but they also have ashes interned there if you so wish, they have a plaque and a tree. As the site is a woodland it is a bit overgrown, but that is how it is meant to be. Informal is probably a good word to describe it. Maybe it is something that interests you?

Hiya Ziggy,

Our DS2 died very suddenly in March this year and we have scattered some of his ashes. We did go down the route of splitting the ashes - felt totally appropriate for him and us (totally know what you mean though TW, when i raised the subject with DH i was really worried he'd not think it a good idea) - DS1, DH and myself have each chosen a special place which was held special memories to each of us individually and we also scattered them on the beach up north where we regularly go for family holidays. (we've done two places and still got two to go - its difficult but v important for me that we don't do it in a hurry) I also intend to get a necklace as shelley suggested and keep some in that too.

I have heard of some people planting a special tree/rosebush/etc and placing the ashes in the plant pot.

It's such an individual and personal decision but am sure whatever you decide it'll be right for your DS. xx

I havent got a necklace for it yet. Think my parents are ordering them all at the same time and that they would rather fill them. Not sure on that yet but i know i always want db to be close to my heart

Oh Ilike, what a cruel coincidence. I often think I'm doing ok & then something comes along which floors me again - we're constantly tested aren't we?

Thank you so much for sharing re ashes. I think you're right, tw, that we'll know what's right eventually. In many ways, I can't get my head round the fact that I've to do this for my son.

The day we did the first scattering of ashes our DS1 insisted on 'helping' us put the ashes into the box we'd bought to scatter from.... anyway, picture the scene... we're on holiday in a caravan and DS1 shouts to his wee friend 'do you want to come and help with DB's ashes? Its really cool!'

Several months earlier, when I was describing Gregor's dust to his big brother one evening, he asked me if it would be sparkly so when i said no he then said 'I know mummy we'll make Gregor's dust sparkly!' Hence he ended up adding glitter and tiny golden stars to his brother's ashes. It was just one of the most bizarre conversations we've had!!

PPM , that made me smile . Those weird converstaions that we have all had . We called them our Monty Python moments . Too surreal for words .

Hi everyone,

Everlong - I hope you are doing okay today. You and Oliver are in my thoughts and a candle is lit here.

ILike - you and Cole will be in my thoughts tomorrow. Take care x

Would it be okay if I added Noah (and Eris) to the list as they appear to be missing from the new list! Hope thats okay.

Has been a manic couple of weeks - both DDs and the DH have been ill (cold/chest infection for the girls and 'man flu' for DH ) so have spent the week doling out calpol and lemsips and waiting on all of them hand and foot. But had some better news which was that my Dad's tumour seems to be benign. So relieved about that. Now just trying to catch up on what is going on, hope you are all coping.

Sorry Lighthouse , that is my fault , I thought I had copied the newest list over . I will go and have a neb .

apologies

JANUARY

20th Jan,1992 Billies birthday (Chegirl)

FEBRUARY

28th Feb,2008 Lucies birthday (Crumpette)

MARCH

11th March 2008, Eris's Birthday & Remember Day (FeedMeNow)
26th March 2008, Noah's Birthday (TheLighthouseKeeper)

APRIL

3rd April,2007 Benjamins remember day (Charleymouse)
12th April,2009 Lucies remember day (Crumpette)
13th April, 2005 Frasers remember day (FMummy)
15th April, 2005 Frasers birthday (FMummy)
27th April, 2006 Billie's remember day (chegirl)

MAY

10th May,1992 Matts remember day (Shabbs)
24th May,1993 Christinas birthday (B.Butterfly)

JUNE

04th June 2008, Noah's Remember Day (TheLighthouseKeeper)
25th June,1993 Christinas remember day (B.Butterly)
30th June, 2009 Niamhs birthday and remember day (Woolly Jo)
30th June, 1984 Matts birthday (Shabbs)

JULY

13th July - Callums remember day (LittleMissPMeno)
21st July, 1982 Gareths remember day (Shabbs)
23rd July,2009 Nimahs funeral (Woolly Jo)
29th July, 2008 Caitlins birthday (Olissa)
30th July. Coles birthday (Liketomoveit)

AUGUST

3rd August, 2008 Caitlins remember day (Olissa)
5th August,2009 Felix's birthday and remember day (Tinkerbelle)
8th August - Callums funeral (LittleMissPMeno)

SEPTEMBER

9th September Ciarans birthday and remember day (Deemented)
18th September,2006 Jaydens birthday (Hazygirl)

OCTOBER

1st October - Ciarans funeral (Deemented)
7th October,2000 Harrys birthday (TWilbury)

NOVEMBER

6th November 2008 - Oliver's Remember Day (Everlong)
7th November - Coles remember day (ILiketomoveit)
20th November 1987 - Oliver's Birthday (Everlong)

DECEMBER

1st December,2006 Jaydens remember day (Hazygirl)
2nd December,2001 Harrys remember day (TWilbury)
18th December,2006 Jaydens funeral (Hazygirl)
22nd December,1994 Jacks birthday and remember day (Lottie)
28th December,1981 Gareths (and Dannys) birthday

I hope I have got the right one this time but please shout if not xx

Hi all

I have lit a candle in Glasgow
for Oliver, its nice to think there are lights shining in the darkness accross the uk for our little ones isnt it??

Ilike I still have a few sparklers left and wondered given the significance of the 5th for you if we could light one in memory of cole tomorrow ? I hope you dont think thats insensitive

glad dad is ok lighthouse

We didnt have a cremation, we buried Fraser cos I wanted somewhere to go and talk to him. I know its nuts , I can talk to him anywhere. But for me his garden (I cant say the other G word)is somewhere i can say really daft things outloud. I also write letters to Fraser and leave them in his garden

There are no right and wrong ways to do these things, you just have to do what your heart tells you

I think it is amazing that our lights shine all over the UK. Its just wonderful. xxxxx