Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

Shabs have you ever been to one of their get togethers ? I would love to go along one yr as I have heard reports of them being very good but I have always felt to nervous . Also I let my membership lapse after the site went a bit odd .

I only once went to a local meeting. It was after Matt was killed and, to be honest, it was much too soon after Matt. It wasn't a good idea for me BUT it must work because the group still meet up regularly and have done for the last 20 years. I would like to go on one of their weekends where they have speakers, different therapies etc etc.

Do you mind if I highjack your thread for a moment? Some of you have responded to me in the past and invited me on here, and I have such admiration for the strength and support you give one another.

To be brief, my brother died last year aged 34 - I've posted a few times about it and am a regular on the bereaved siblings thread. I won't go into the pain and agony it has been here, as you guys know all too well.

My worry at the moment is for my mum, and I thought I'd ask you guys for some advice as you might have a better insight into her grief than I have. In the past few months she has lost huge amounts of weight to the extent that her clothes literally fall off her. She has always had issues with food, and I'm afraid that my brother's death, coupled with her GP telling her that she had high cholesterol levels, has 'given her permission' to semi-starve herself.

She has always loved clothes and taken a lot of care over her appearance. She is still wearing lovely clothes (although they are falling off her) but has grown her hair long and started to wear it in all kinds of strange ways. The other day when she stayed at our house it was sort of falling round her face and made her look quite bedraggled and witchy. To be honest I can't get the image of her looking like this out of my head - she had always said that old women with long hair is not a good look. When I gently reminded her of this she said 'yes, but I think it rather suits me don't you'. For some reason it is her hair which is really upsetting me.

What can I do? My mum is hyper-sensitive and thinks people are 'having a go' at her if they express concern. She gets very defensive about her ability to carry on working (she is 68) and stay fit and active. But we are all really concerned, and I just don't know how to raise it with her. I am struggling with my own grief over my brother, but can't seem to get close to whatever horrible place she is in.

Sorry to wade in like this, but I do value you guys' opinions so much.

Glad you found us MissM - So sorry for your loss - your Mum sounds, in my opinion, very, very sad. Will she talk to you about her feelings? If she wont can you write her a letter? My Mum is a few years older than yours but she tries so hard to not upset me and does the stiff upper lip thing most of the time.

Would really try writing to her - perhaps a card that says something like 'thinking about you' on the front.

If she feels anything like the mums on this special thread she will feel like she is loosing her mind all the time. If you do get to talk to her tell her about this thread, because, I used to think I was the only person who had ever felt so alone and sad. Please hug her from me. xxxxx

Your lovely message made me cry shabba. She is very very sad, you're right. I am going to write to her - someone else has suggested the same. Your comment about her feeling as though she is losing her mind really hit home. I will try to keep that in my head, and I will tell her about this thread (although I don't want her to know I've been on it!)

I would, quite simply, put your emotions into your words - tell her that you cannot imagine how she is feeling. Most importantly tell her how much you love her and what a wonderful mum she is. I am a great lover of writing down my thoughts. A few months ago I found something I had written after my DS was killed....I was shocked and suprised at how I was teetering on the edge of very poor mental health. It also made me realise how far I have walked down this crappy path of bereavement.

I know I am speaking for the other Mums and Grans on this thread but I am sure they would never, ever object to anyone who has been bereaved posting on here. Please post any time you want. I think it will help all of us - we can get a perspective on how it feels to loose a sibling.You are not 'hijacking' our thread in any way. We are all here to learn from each other and to prop each other up when we start to fall. xx

Thank you all for your words of support. Well i've been into work for a couple of hours and I'm now filled with even more doubts than ever of whether i'm doing the right thing. Didn't sleep much last night and stomach been churning all day. My boss was absolutely lovely and the guys in my team were also really ok. Almost felt that when i left the office i would feel that i'd accomplished something but i just left realising how much more i have to do - does that make any sense? Not being negative but just don't know if i'm able to do this.

Hiya Miss M, As shabs says don't think you're hijacking, bereavement is shit in any form and if any of us can help each other in however small a way then bring it on! The way my own mum is dealing with the loss of my son is very different to the way i'm dealing with things and at times i feel so distant from her. I have loads of lovely friends but it doesn't stop me feeling totally alone in my grief. xx

Miss M , I am so sorry that you and your mum are suffering like this . I can completely identify with the weight loss and straggly hair . I just didn't care about how I looked or what I ate . The things I used to really enjoy doing became too painful to bother with . I can vividly remember a couple of friends coming round and cooking for me . It was a wonderful meal but I just couldn't eat it . I kept thinking of all the fun times we had had doing this together before and I couldn't bring myself to enjoy anything . To enjoy something felt too much of a betrayal to Harry . I know that sounds nuts but it is how it was .
Maybe because your mum has always enjoyed looking good , she now can't do it because she feels that she shouldn't be caring about such a frivolous thing . I know it isn't any more frivilous than eating a nice meal with friends but the sentiment is the same .

Have you had your brothers anniversary yet ?

I know that most bereaved parents I know found the second year harder and more painful in a lot of ways than the first . They think everyone is expecting them to be ok now and because they are functioning again that they must be fine now .

Please come back any time you want to , you are not hijacking or intruding in any way .

PPM , that is such a big step you have taken today I am not surprised you are feeling a bit flat afterwards . I always think I am going to have a big epiphany moment when I do something that has taken a lot of strength but in reality I generally just end up thinking about the next hurdle .

I am pleased to hear that you have got some good support at work , it will make all the difference to you .

Am rushing off to collect the kids so I'll keep this brief, but thank you all for your kind words. I am honestly in awe reading this thread as I do from time to time - your sadness is so immense. It has given me a lot of insight into where my mum might be.

Wilbury, my brother's anniversary was the 7th October so just passed. It has been a terrible few weeks, and I am actually finding this a harder year as you say. Friends seem to have forgotten - only two remembered the anniversary which hurt a lot. I have been reading what some of you have said about the distance and immediacy of it being a year away. sometimes I have to actively put it out of my head because I am scared of imploding with the agony and meaninglessness of it all.

I actually feel worried about saying these things to all of you as you have suffered such terrible losses.

You and your family have suffered a terrible loss as well - sometimes I can post on this thread and I sound mentally ill - one by one my dear friends on here give me their experiences and how they dealt with them, or are still dealing with them. This is my sanctuary, somewhere I can come without fear of being laughed at, or being ignored or being told to 'pull myself together.'

MissM , Harrys birthday is the 7th Oct so now I will always think of your brother on that day too , please don't apologise , you have been through an awful thing and you have as much right as the rest of us to feel the way you do x

Willbury that is incredibly kind and generous of you. And now I'm crying again. It amazes me, both on this thread and on the one for bereaved siblings, that people can be suffering their own dreadful losses and still be so gentle and kind towards me. I can understand why it is your haven Shabba.

Bless you MissM , you and your mum will get through this shite in the best way you can and if there is any way any of us can help you through it then I know we will all willingly try . I know how much the people on here have helped me and I am nearly 8 yrs down this shitty path . I can't believe it has been that long . Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it feels like I have dreamt the whole horrid thing .

Sorry you have cried but tbh it does sound like you need a good sob . It always makes me sleep better if nothing else x

I'm just looking through a Compassionate Friends book of poetry and I found these thoughts.

HOW I FEEL

If you ask me how I feel
I will say great
If you ask me about my brother and me
I will say let's wait.
I've got a fear of talking about my brother now
The subject is open and wide
It's hard to talk about it
Because I want to keep it inside.

Written by Chris Levy, aged 11, who was 3 when his 6 year old brother died in a road accident.

Night girls - here's to a better night sleep! x

Morning girls xx

Morning folks.

Hope today is ok for everyone.

Good morning all , How you doing Dee ? You have been a bit quiet , hope you are ok .

I have woken up with a stinky cold , do you think anyone would mind if I went to bed for a couple of days with some interesting snacks and trashy magazines ?

Morning everyone! Not much sleep for me last night. really rough night missing my little lad so much. xx

((((((((((((PPM))))))))))))

I really hope you have a better day today .
When are you going back into work ?

Thanks TW. Was supposed to be going in for a couple of hours today to meet a colleague but decided I couldn't cope with that today so rearranged that for next week (I just work mons and tuesdays). Currently trying to sort out my remote login to try to download the zillions of mail i'll have amassed in the last seven and a half months .

Last night was just so shit - i'm trying not to overanalyse it but it must somehow have been triggered with the visit to the office. DH was lovely. Back to meet the counsellor this afternoon. Have just called my mum and been in floods of tears on phone to her so now she's crying too and on her way down to see me. Snapped at my brother on the phone last night.

part of me feels i cannot go on living my life without gregor and part of me knows i have to go on trying. Am just so terrified of losing someone else close to me.

That is all so normal PPM. Every morning I wake up and think my DDIL is going to ring and say something has happened to my grandson Its all too overwhelming and I am many years down this crappy path.

Your Mum will understand - and so will your brother.

Will be holding you close to my heart today xx

PPM , it is so hard . I think you are right about work triggering all these feelings last night . Every time I managed to do something which took me back to a "normal" life (whatever the buggery that is) I had huge guilt that I was coping too well and that I should be in a heap somewhere . It took a long time but once I accepted that loving Harry and always missing him and having a life again were not incompatible it really helped me .

I am pleased to hear your mum is coming down to see you . Hopefully by now she is there with a hug and a cup of tea and a good chat .

FALLING APART

I seem to be falling apart
My attention span can be measured in seconds
My patience in minutes, and I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly
The morning toast burns daily
I forget to sign the cheques
Half of everything in the house is misplaced.

Anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions,
Rainy days seem extra dreary
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world,
I am normal, I am told.....
I am a newly grieving Mummy.