Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

afternoon girlsx

Hello everyone xx This is about my third attempt to get on here in the last few days so hopefully i'll get a few mins to talk to you guys about what's been happening...

Last week was just so tough - did far too much the previous weekend that my head felt fit to burst so then spent the whole of last week as an emotional jelly wobbling everywhere!! Made it into my work last wed to meet my boss again and I'm hoping to start back next week!

Finally got the offer of counselling and met her yesterday for the first time and i think its going to have its uses so am going back to meet her again next week too. She gave me really useful advice about going back to work related to my longer term health and advised me that i really shouldn't do any more than a couple of hours a day for as long as it takes for that to feel ok before going in for longer - sounds really simplistic advice but i hadn't really thought about setting a time limit, i naively thought i'd just go in at my normal time and see how i got on! Anyway, when i left her i called my boss and hr and arranged that i'd go in for a couple of hours next week.

struggling to deal with halloween, remembering the lovely crazy memories of my 18 month old ghostie gregor! but as ever the show must go on!

been quiet here - hope you're all ok xxxx

Stick with the counsellor PPM - I rejected all help like that and about 10 years ago came close to a full blown breakdown. Our bodies can only take so much....especially our hearts and minds xxxx

Hi all, just popping in.... not getting a chance to sit and read all the posts but will.

Hope you are all ok xxx

Thanks Shabs - I know what you mean and the longer term effects both on myself and our surviving son worry me lots so for those two reasons i'm accepting (no matter how difficult it is to swallow pride, etc!) any form of help that comes my way! Emotional exhaustion is just shattering on your body and mind and takes its toll at the most unexpected times/moments...

How are you doing? And how was Tom's trip away?

Been catching up with a friend (and a bottle of red!!) this evening and just back in xx

Tom had a fantastic time AND 'guess what' he came home safe and sound He is going trying out horse riding tomorrow with his friend, since nursery, Charlotte. Has got his first pair of wellies and is so excited he can hardly sleep. Stick with the counsellor my friend....it cant hurt - it can only help xxxxx

Must admit the 'long term effects' are so worrying. We 'somehow' survive them and we think everything is just fine....trouble is, a few years later they jump up and bite our arses. Total honesty is what is needed and any mental health help we can get is vital xxxxx

Good morning all x

I agree about the counsellor too. I have had 3 seperate lots in the last nearly 8 yrs .

It really helped me to find a way to move forward and to bring Harry along with me . I had been worried about going because I assumed they would try and get me to say goodbye to Harry and "move on" .

I hope Tom has a fab day today Shabs , I am pooped this morning , Jamie has been in bed with me most of the night with a temp and a horrid cough . I hate it when they are ill with this sort of thing .

All Harry had was a cold

Good morning girls xx

hi everyone seems full of cold and coughs,its crap innit kids have had one after another dd2 is full of it,she swears i bring it home from work for her.
hope tom enjoys his horse riding ,my eldest granddaughters love it ,sure tom will.
ppm i had councelling as i realy struggling ,the guilt in not been able to bring jayden back was horrific,dh realy worked hard on him till professionals came,even coroner said nobody would have been able to save him,i just wish things were bloody different.

Thanks guys - good advice as always. I figure counselling can't make things any worse and she did have some good ideas about enabling ds1 to work through his grief as well as my return to work.

House of chaos at the moment - had a leak in the kitchen and got plumber and joiner in trying to work out how to reroute leaking pipes. Arggghhhhh - I hate trades men! So don't need this today!!!!!!!!!!

Shabs I hope Tom enjoys the horse riding - Am soooo laughing at 'his first pair of wellies' !!!

I also know what you mean Hazy - my dh probably needs counselling for exactly that reason as he found G and also tried to resussitate G for ages before ambulance arrived... He's totally struggling with DS1 when he's sleeping - keeps thinking the same thing's going to happen again. he thinks counselling is a waste of time for him. Did your dh have any counselling?

PPM I also had to try and resuscitate Harry and it took a long time to get rid of those flashbacks and the blaming myself because it didn't work was awful . I t has gone in time but does come and bite me on the bum sometimes . We were also told that even if he was in hospital when it happened the end result would have been the same which is a comfort but it would have been better to have felt like he had every chance .

People never understand why I don't find it a comfort that I was with him at home in the end . I just wanted a grown up to take over

I agree about the wellies too , mine have lived in wellies on and off since they could walk .

My dh didn't have any counselling , he couldn't see how it would change anything but he did talk to me a lot about mine and the most important thing to him was seeing me getting stronger and that seemed to help him loads .

Hiya TW, your dh's views sound alot like my dh's!! Do you mind me asking what happened with Harry and how old he was?

We were also told that even if G had not been sleeping and had been at hosp sooner the end result would have been the same which sort of helps but doesn't stop you thinking 'what if?'

I don't mind you asking at all PPM , he was 14 mths old and we had taken him to the gp during the day because we thought he had a chest infection . They said it was just a bad cold and to not worry . His breathing seemed to get worse in the evening so I called the out of hours dr who told me that as he was asleep we shouldn't worry .

I kept him with me downstairs all night so he could sleep sitting up and at just past 8am on the sunday he stopped breathing in my arms . I then screamed for my friend who was staying overnight with us (my dh had gone to work) , rang 999 and tried to get him breathing again .

I really believe he didn't have the "fight for life" in him that we all have . He only cried about 4 times in his life and that was because of needles . Other than that he was a very calm baby . We did always ask drs about it but they just insisted we should be pleased that he was a "good" baby .

He had been diagnosed with xxxxy syndrome at 6 months old but that was never supposed to be life limiting . I always knew instinctively that we would not have him forever but I didn't really think about it and I certainly didn't think we would lose him at such a young age .

I think the what ifs and If onlys are the hardest thing to live with .

Oh yes, the what ifs. There are plenty of them in my head. And no matter how many scenarios I go through, they don't change the bloody outcome.

I feel like I'm walking through a bucket of treacle at the moment. It's just over a week away from Cole's remember day and it has been affecting me for a while I think. I think it's also worse as dh is working away and M is waking at stupid o'clock.

I've been snappy and snippy with M, yet he's my most treasured thing in the world. I feel a right bloody bitch.

tw - I didn't know you had tried to resuc Harry. What a brave and wonderful woman you are. Your dh too PPM.

Flashbacks are wicked, and suddenly appear seemingly out of nowhere. DH doesn't suffer from them but I do.

Sorry, this is all a bit me me me. Life just feels a bit too tough at the moment.

Ilike , I am so sorry you are finding things so tough at the min . It is just so hard at times . I also hate it when I get snippy with the boys . In the back of my head is always "what I would give for Harry to be being that annoying"

He wouldn't have been as he was so perfect

Have you got anything planned for Coles remember day ? I can never think of anything to do , we used to go off on our own for the day and visit places we had taken him or that held good memories for us but now it all just seems a bit pointless and nothing we can think of comes close to mattering .

Who mauled about with Mumsnet - Facebook and Mumsnet changed in one week - arrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Of course Harry would be perfect, just like all our little darling

Nothing planned for Cole's RD as yet, but then dh and I haven't talked about it yet. We'll go and lay some lovely fresh flowers on his grave and probably spend the day together doing someting as a family. Like you we like to revisit places we went with C.

I just want the day to come and go, but then that means it's another year that I haven't had my son in my arms.

Oh for fucks sake, it's just shit shit shit.

My settings have gone all awry as well.

It is shit shit shit indeed . I hate having to think about the day , it is not something any of us should have to do .

I find it hard now to care about the flowers and stuff , it just doesn't matter to me now like it used to . I tend to have fresh flowers in the house near his photo and that works better for us .

Mine has all gone weird too . Is nothing sacred ? Can nothing ever just stay the bloody same ?

Morning girls xx

Good morning all , I am pooped , Jamie is still poorly so it has been a long night .

I hope all is well with everyone xx

Morning all xx

Sorry to hear you've had another rough night TW. Thanks so much for sharing your story about your beloved Harry, means a lot.

ILike - The time leading up to any event seems to mess with our heads big time. I totally get the apprehension leading up to any date/event. I've got all this to come in March but can't see past halloween and christmas at the moment! My dh has been away a couple of times with work since Gregor died and I have been a complete mess both times. Just made me realise how much i do lean on him and need him here if you know what i mean!

Hey shabs - how did the horse riding go?

Because its half term up here they had no riding lesson slots left so he 'met' all the horses and is in awe of his friend, Charlottes horse. He still had a great time though. I asked where there any other boys there and he said 'Just hundreds of girls, it was brilliant!!' and his face was like this

They have a lesson booked for Saturday afternoon. He also said that he walked like Frankenstein in his wellies!!!

Sounds like he made the most of the time (and the girls)and maybe by sat he'll have had practice walking in the wellies!!

Hello everyone , it is very quiet in here , hopefully all is ok xxx

I took the sickly spud to the docs this morning and funnily enough they have said it is a virus . Isn't it always ?

Wish me luck for a better night tonight . I need some proper sleep .