Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

aw i missed it ,dee my granddaughter was born with kidney problems and had one removed ,shes perfect and soo lovely,she starts school next week.
its two of the girls birthday next month and jaydens birthday is slap bang in the middle,its so up and down, and im 44 a week today i feel old.
big hugs to everyone x

Good morning all , lovely title Shabs .

Dee , I felt very weird during my pregnancy too , I didn't want a boy as I thought it would be too samey but I did get another boy and you could not find two more different babies .Jamie was huge at birth where as Harry had been wee . Harry did have a genetic condition which we then had Jamie tested for but tbh we could tell from the minute he was born that he was a strong un and that he would be ok .

I also didn't think I would bond with him when he was born because I was so scared of losing another child and I do think I was a bit detached during the pregnancy but as soon as they handed him to me that was it ,I was in love all over again .

I am waffling now , but thinking of you x

Good morning girls. Morning TW - your words make a lot of sense xxx

Thank you all for your understanding.

It's weird because i didn't feel like this at all when i was pregnant with DD - and we didn't know she was a girl til i was 26 weeks. I'm not sure why it's all surfacing now.

Morning Dee - I reckon there has been 'too much' going on in your life - too much sadness, too much worry etc etc - thats why you feel the way you do. Stuff will work out my darling...all will be well, all WILL be well xx

Make sense me ?

Dee maybe it is just you are at a different stage this time , I know that some things that I have found fine at one stage absolutely floor me at another time .

All will be well (honest x)

Shabs I saw chegirl on that when it first came out and I loved the wallpaper with the photos .

Morning Ladies!

hey Dee - I know how your feeling. DS2 was stillborn on 19th Dec 07 and I feel pregnant again very quickly after and was due the Jan 09 but DS3 arrived on the 23 Dec 08 - the one thing I didn't want was going into labour the same week as the 1st anniversary of Finn's death but Harry had other ideas.

It's very difficult when people ask you how many children you have. We have an older DS who is 7, I find that sometimes I say I have two DS' because I don't want to deal with telling people about Finn but then I feel guilty so mostly I say that I have had three boys but one was stillborn. I always remember after Finn was born and DS1 (Charlie) was at a birthday party a little girl said to him that she had a little brother and he turned to her and said he had a little brother too but he lived in heaven - he was so matter of fact about it. I was proud that he understood - he still says now that he has two little brothers

Hello everyone and welcome Tinkerbelle and Mintpattie - sorry you had to join us. Jemima sounds amazing MP, thank you for sharing her story. I'm sorry to hear about your DS too Tinkerbelle - I know what you mean about the memories. My DD died when she was five days old, and I was swapping over some photos of my DS in my living room for more recent ones (he's nearly 3) and I saw Caitie's photo and I thought 'I'll never replace that one' and I was in floods Thinking of you both.

Dee, I have my anomaly scan on Friday too, and I've decided to find out the sex as well. I've never found out before. I have the opposite feeling to you though, I would like another DD and I'm worried about being disappointed if it's a boy. Which makes no sense, I know I can't replace Caitlin, and my DS is so lovely... I am coming off my ADs at the moment too so my head's a shed. Fingers crossed for both of us that the little ones are doing well in there.

Che, what were you doing on telly? Can we see it online or anything? (nosey)

Love to all x

Oops, I only saw the first page - I've seen what Che was doing now! I often joke that my place needs a 60 year makeover. My bathroom's falling down.

(goes off to ring DIY SOS)

Hello to you all. My heart goes out to you all. I've been reading this thread for a good while now and finally today decided it is time to introduce myself.

My DS2 died very suddenly in March aged 2 years 11 days. Initially looked like cot death (or sudden unexplained death in childhood) but final post mortem results showed an overwhelming virus which we only found out approx a month ago. Other than this virus the PM showed a perfectly healthy 2 year old. He had no symptoms at all, went for a nap and my DH found him. Our attempts to revive him were unsuccessful. The change in his cause of death has raised almost as many questions as cot death did - I've spent 4 months thinking I was dealing with one thing only to realise it's not what i thought it was.

As a family we're learning to be together as a 3 which is difficult but we're getting there. We all have to adjust to this new and unwanted 'normal' which i'm sure many of you have experienced? I miss him so much especially just now which should have been my time to spend with him 1-1 while DS1 is at school. I have amazing friends who are helping me cope day to day and my DH is supportive too but we are both grieving very differently.

My DS1 started school a couple of weeks ago and is doing amazing. He's coping well with his brother's death. Kids are so matter of fact about death. He's kept me going through the last 5 months and now he's at school I have to start coping for me, not just him.

PPM

Welcome to our very special thread PPM - so very sorry to hear about your DS - what an awful shock. There is no death so sad as that of a child. Lovley friends on this thread - we are always here for each other.

You are right about children coping with things much better than adults. Children see black or white - they dont see the horrible grey areas in between like we do.

Glad you have joined us but wish you didnt have to join us in these terrible circumstances xx

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss of your boys Gareth and Matthew. 'To where you are' is beautiful and left me in a hefty pile of tissues! Lovely x

I think i cope better with childrens questions than adults some days - Some adults don't know whether to acknowledge my son and our situation or not. A good friend of mine said to me that people who were lovely people before their child died are still the same person inside afterwards - it's just a shame some 'friends' of mine can't see that - they only see the uncomfortable situation and can't seem to deal with their own grief and their own reaction to our situation rather than thinking for a minute about how it may feel from the inside.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you, and yes happier circumstances would be good. xx

Hi,
Tinker I completely understand your feelings of everything being a distant dream. Our Niamh was stillborn 9 weeks ago, it feels like an age and I still can't really believe it happened.

Hi ppm and welcome to a place that although we would all gladly not belong too we are pleased we have found .

I am so sorry to hear about your son , you can talk about him here as much or as little as you think , it's nice to have a place to come to where you will always be his mum . I love the fact that everyone on here knows me as "Harrys mum" .

It is awful when people you thought of as good friends don't cope with your grief . It really upset me that they were too scared or upset to talk to me . However they are feeling is a drop in the ocean in comparison .

welcome to the thread girls,the girls on here are the best and so helpful and lovely,i lost my grandson to cot death,or sudden infant death as he was in his daddys arms,but the lovely ladies let me join in,great bunch and sorry we all have to meet on this threadx

Hi TW and thanks for the welcome but sorry for your loss of Harry.

And hello to you too Hazy, sorry about your grandson - how long ago did you lose him to SIDS? I've always had a really positive relationship with my mum but I think losing her grandson is something she's totally struggling with. She normally chats to me about everything but since he died she's been struggling to chat about him with me (and i do love to talk about him!). I'm hoping its a temp thing that will change as time goes on as she needs to grieve her way as I do also - learning to respect the differing ways in which we're all grieving and understanding there's no right and wrong way is hard but ever so important. x

Welcome PPM

So sorry to hear about your ds. What a awful shock it must have been for you all, and how dreadfully unfair for your ds.

I know it's not a case of fair or unfair, but bloody hell it feels like that sometimes doesn't it?

I remember reading an article about Grandparents' grief. It mentioned how they grieve for their lost grandchild and how they worry for their child. It's like a two tiered grief.

Oh, and hi Oops, Olissa and WoolyJo. I hope you are all well.

Hi there... I just wanted to introduce myself, I am Beth and I gave birth to my stillborn baby girl Ellie at 31 weeks two weeks ago tmrw. My husband, friends and family have been amazing but I just want to talk a lot so I thought I would introduce myself in case friends get bored and I need another avenue to vent in!!
I don't have any children and I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks in Feb 08 after which it took a year almost exactly to get pregnant again so I am starting to worry about that as well when really now is not the time that I want to be worrying about that as I want to be thinking and greiving Ellie not worrying about the future as well!

am having a very difficult time at the moment ladies, BIG BIG problems with Wilf which i cant talk about, i am off to Dorset for 2 days tomorrow afternoon.

Welcome Beth

So sorry to hear about your darling Ellie. There are other ladies on this thread whose babies were born sleeping, so there is loads of advice. And we are all here if you want to talk, vent, rant, laugh or cry.

I should think it is very normal and quite natural to worry about trying to conceive again. If you want to think about it, think about it. If you don't, don't. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Hello Beth, sorry to hear about Ellie xx I do understand where you're at re worries about getting pregnant again. We had already been trying for a 3rd before our son died. Both our boys were conceived on clomid so I know a fair bit about the anxieties of struggling to get pregnant.

Hi MoveIt and thanks for your welcome. Yes it does feel really unfair but there's a part of me that feels lucky (lucky seems a really weird choice of word here doesn't it?!) I got to know him for two years as i did - don't know if that makes any sense.

I think i've read a similar article on the double grief of grandparents. My mum is very good at looking after everyone else but not too good at looking within herself. I've tried to suggest counselling or other forms of support but she just keeps telling me she's fine. xx

Welcome Beth - so sad to hear about Ellie - so very sad.

I became a first time Grandma in June, 2008 and , Im sorry, but I would not know what to do if my DS and his wonderful partner lost their little boy, I cannot imagine how I would be able to help them.

I have the deepest respect for any parent or grandparent who can 'make it through' the loss of a precious child xx

as a grandparent i looked after the older two girls at first as dd went to stay at dp parents house,they kept me sane ,when dd took them back i went to pieces ,life so changed and believe me watching your child go through it is hell, ill always remember dd passing her precious son to my dh and shouting at him,dad make him breathe ,you can do it dad,and he bloody tried so hard,and we let her down,hed gone forever.
i never knew pain like this ever,and my god girls wouldnt wish it on anyone,two years later were still on this shit crappy path.
we lost him 1st december, 2006,
big hugs to all you mummysxxx

Good morning to all , and a warm welcome to all you new mums .

ppm , my mum and I grieved differently as well , she was a star with me but she did seem to grieve for me rather than herself in the early days . She did deal with it eventually but I think she had to make sure I was going to be ok before she could deal with her own stuff . It is so hard isn't it ? I remember feeling such a massive guilt every time I saw my mum , I felt it was my fault that Harry had died and that she was probably blaming me (she wasn't but it wasn't until months later when I could talk about how I was really feeling that we spoke about it)

Hope everyone is as well as can be this morning xx