Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

Lottie , I hope you get everything sorted with Wilf , we are here if you do want to talk about it xx

I don't know if anyone remembers but last week I said I was going to start a diet with a vengeance , well it was a week on monday and I have lost 5 pounds
I am so pleased , I feel really motivated which is a bloody miracle .

morning everyone

Welcome to all our new mums.. its lovely to have you with us

but everytime a new mum joins us my heart sinks because I just think another heartbroken family

I really hope you all find solace on here.. I know I have

I have a demanding 4 year old so will catch up properly later.

Thinking of you all

Morning girls. Well done TW

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your little girl and I am so sorry that the outcome was so sad.

We have decided to ttc again although I had 2 miscarriages before Niamh (I am fortunate to have a dd 2.8 and who is our life line at the moment).

A friend who lost her little girl at 6 months sent me a book which I found useful and although it is mostly written with women in mind DH said it helped him understand better where I was/am in my grief.

Help, Comfort & Hope After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or in the First Year. By Hannah Lothrop

Tried to phone our local SANDs helpline yesterday to set up some sort of connection but I got the anasphone and missed the call back. Got to pull myself together enough to ring again now

Hi ladies

Ds was called Felix. Today I can't even type this without crying. I've been so busy organsing (we are moving tomorrow) and DH is already abroad so I'm on my own with DD and DS that I haven't had time to think straight. I have started seeing a counsellor who says I am in denial. i don't doubt it.

Frasersmummy - I was 22 weeks. People have said to me at least it happened early. I can't begin to feel like that. I had a big pregnant belly (3rd baby for you!) and could feel him kicking about.

Sorry to everyone for their losses.

xx

tm , I think people just struggle with what to say and they want to fix things and make you feel better which we know is just not possible just yet .

Moving must be really hard for you to deal with at the minute .

I am so sorry you have had to go through this . Be kind to yourself .

Love the name Felix x

at least it happened early???? for you

over the years that people realy dont know what to say so they say stuff that seems right to them. Its very very rarely ill-intentioned

but this one takes the biscuit..

I trust you told this person that it wasnt early enough to stop you having to struggle through labor with no baby to cuddle and show off after it.

This was a really horrid time to lose Felix - assuming you are in the uk you wont even have a certificate of stillbirth to show for having given birth

I think its very wrong that you have to give birth from 20 weeks but you cant register your dc till 24 weeks . its a doubly horrid

Hello all, welcome to new mummies and very sad and sorry that you are here.

As those who have read my vents previously know my DD died age 14 months in April, and I am now pregnant again. I really, really wanted a girl. I know that sounds selfish and silly but somewhere I thought that perhaps it would be L coming back as her completely identical younger sister and I read a load of books on reincarnation etc and it kind of kept me going.. some irrational belief that she's not really gone and I will see her again

So, I found out today (am 22wks) that DC2 is all boy... I know it sounds ridiculous but it's hit me really hard that it's not her coming back, and I won't be holding her again or laughing and playing with her again.. I'm really upset how ungrateful is that, in all respects DC2 is very healthy and normal and looked really cute in the scan.. I just can't quite fathom having another baby, a separate baby from DD kind of feels like I am being disloyal to her... does that make any sense? argh

Sorry I hope my post won't upset anyone. I am happy that this baby is healthy but I think it's all suddenly hit me all over again that DD has gone, I think getting pregnant again immediately was perhaps not the best idea I am finding it very strange!x

tinkerbellesmuse I am 22weeks now and I cannot imagine losing a baby, at this or any gestation in pregnancy or beyond. I lost DD at 14 months but I am grateful that I got to know her and spend that time with her, it must be very hard for those who have stillborn babies how horrid of that person to say that to you My grandmother lost a child (a grown-up one-my father actually- who was 27) and said to me at my nice grandmother's funeral recently that at least L died when she was young and I didn't really know her
what planet are these people on!?

crumpette I am so sorry for you. In my calmer moments I can just about get my head round someone who has never had a baby saying what they said to me. Even female friends have been suprised that I had to give birth and that he was actually a baby (although god knows what they thought happens!) To say that about your DD I am

Frasersmummy It is hard not having a birth certificate but the hospital were wonderful. They gave us a "certificate of birth for baby less than 24 weeks" which looks just like a birth cert and they have arranged for his name to be written in a book they have which is on display at Guys.

Something that also meant a lot to me was that the midwives/Drs always referred to Felix as stillborn rather than miscarried. I know it is just semantics but it meant a lot - as if they were recognising that he was actually born IYKWIM.

PS Crumpette I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling the way you do. I have just started seeing a therapist and she basically says watever you feel is right for and ok by you.

crumpette , I can completely understand what you are saying , when I was pregnant with my 2nd I felt really disloyal to Harry and very guilty that I was even contemplating being happy again . It is a very difficult situation but I do think that whenever you get pregnant after losing a child it will be hard . From a completely selfish and suface point of view I just can't imagine getting through that first year without vodka .

tm , people say some ridiculous things to bereaved parents . I remember someone telling my mum within a week of my son dying that maybe I should get a cat Oh yeh because that is just the same . I am more forgiving now but believe you me at the time I wanted to punch an awful lot of people . I am really pleased to hear that the hospital were good with you , sadly it is not always the case .

Evening my friends. Everybodys posts bring back memories for me of my crappy path journey. As you girls know I have had 4 DS's and Matt came along to try and ease the sadness of loosing Gareth and our poor Tommy came along 'out of the blue' but to fill the empty hole left by his two big brothers. Nothing fills the void of our lost children but a new baby gives us hope for the future and, in my opinion, really brings hope and dreams back.

I have loads of stories with those 'stupid words' in them - people dont know what to do or say and they often open their mouths and crap falls out - I dont think any of it is intentional its just ignorance. xxxxx

Shabs I cannot imagine your pain

I assume it never leaves you but I hope it has become easier for you to bear.

Good morning all , how is everyone doing this morning ?

Good morning girls xx

morning girlsx hope everyone ok ,x

Sleepless night for me - hence posting at 3:30am last night!

Seeing counsellor later and she as asked me to bring Felix's photos so kinda looking forward to that in a weird way. Apart from my best friend she is the only person who has asked to see them.

How's everyone else?

Awwww TinkerB - what a lovely thing for the counsellor to do. I love showing my boys photo's to everybody. xx

Hello everybody, Tinkerbelle I hope you get on OK with the counsellor, I think it's nice that she's asked to see the photos too. I think the more people know about our DC the better - it makes them seem more 'real' and not like some sort of dream (hope that makes sense!) Also can't believe the 'at least it happened early' comment.

Have to admit I have felt that (for me) losing a baby did not feel like losing anyone else. It was a loss of potential, of a future, of a mother-daughter relationship (which I don't have with anyone else), rather than a loss of a 'person' - hmmm this is difficult to explain, I hope I am not offending anyone! I felt the need to make memories, because there weren't many, and so I kept everything to do with her I could find. Really not like any other loss I have ever known.

Crumpette, I'm glad your DS is doing well in there but can understand your feelings, I am beginning to get quite scared now as I feel more and more that I want another DD too, and I feel ashamed of feeling that way.

Thinking of you all from rainy Yorkshire x

Olissa you are making complete sense. xxxx

olissa glad it's not just me who feels that way, felt really guilty after posting that yesterday as I should be grateful to have a healthy DS but so wanted it to be L in some way still alive..

tw you actually made me laugh when I got to the vodka part. This DS must have been conceived under the influence of diazepam and gin in very large quantities just a week or two after L died.. I have to say I find myself having endless sleepless nights while DP is there knocked out by wine/beer etc, am very jealous I can't just drink a bit to knock myself out every now and then!!!

TM I love showing DD's photos to people but nobody wants to see them! DP took them all out of a giant frame and shoved them into an album, and on my first day back at work after a year and a half nearly off (maternity leave was extended when she got ill) I took in about 3 or 4 photos, and they were just lying there under my desk, and afterwards my immediate colleagues have said they thought it was 'weird' that I brought in photos of her if she had died. I mean, she was with me day in day out for over a year it feels so wrong, to me, to just hide her away...

Anyway vent over! Moving house this weekend (away from hospital which we moved to be near to when she was ill), have been sorting through her clothes to see if anything is suitable for a boy!!! It's also her inquest today, which I consented to at the time because I really wasn't happy that she could go from 'about to be discharged home' to on intensive care again on a ventilator and having it switched off within less than a week.. but am not going, have sent DP instead as the pm reports etc have already been sent to me and have shown absolutely nothing I didn't already know.. hmmm

inquest over, the hospital are changing many practices, apparently, due to her case and her consultant is re-writing a few chapters in his textbook as she has changed medical opinion...

great.. I always wanted her to contribute to medicine but I kind of envisaged her becoming a doctor, not contributing like this!!!

If anything I suppose at least something has happened as a result of her life, her legacy will probably now end up saving many other children in years to come in similar scenarios.

sniff sniff. Wish it was her that they saved though
hope everyone's ok, the packing for the moving-house-panic is currently on hold on favour of online shopping and eating toast...

tbm , How did it go with your counselor ? I am really pleased she has asked to see the pictures and well done you for feeling strong enough to show her . A friend of mine had triplets very early and 2 were still born and one lived a couple of days and I know how important it was for her to be able to show the pics of all her children .

crumpette , what a day for you , how you feeling now ? We had to have an inquest of sorts because Harry died at home but it was a very open and shut thing and we both decided not to go . I am glad the hospital are going to change there way of working but llike you say it should have come earlier .

Shabs how you doing ? When I used to go on TCF I started a thread about "stupid things people say" and as much as a lot us had similar stopries it also became very clear that what was stupid to me was actually sometimes helpful to someone else . It has always made me realise how hard it must be for someone on the outside looking in and trying to help .

A lot less bloody hard than being on the inside though .

TW - not bad....what words say - pissed off, fed up, sad, down in the dumps, cant do it all anymore? Oh I guess its just the words I used. Just tired, sad and emotional. I will get through it xxxxxx Thank you for caring sweetheart xxxx