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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 08/05/2009 08:01

Oh Shabs , 30 seconds ...... if only eh ?

I need to go and get these boys of mine dressed and ready I suppose .

xx

giraffesCantRunA10k · 08/05/2009 09:34

Will be thinking of you on the tenth Shabs x, sometimes I find the run up to a special day harder than the day itself as I worry how I will cope on the day.

Got the hosp today to have my arm put in a splint - injured it at soft play with children yesterday! Ligament injury and possible fracture, need to wait a week for fracture to show though.

shabster · 08/05/2009 10:24

OOOouch giraffe - that sounds very painful.

You think I would be used to remember days now wouldnt you? Think its because I have been really ill this week - kind of highlights everything.

Deemented · 08/05/2009 15:52

I'm going to have a rant now, and i may swear rather a lot so please don't read on if easily offended.

I am soooooooooooo fucking annoyed with the fuckwitts that call themselves fucking stonemasons.

They put the headstone back up a week yesterdy, but with the christening and Brogans birthday i didn't have time to go up myself,so my dad went up and had a look at it, and told me it was fine. After the christening was over dad admitted that there was a big chip in the headstone, but he hadn't told me before as he wanted me to enjoy the christening ect.

I went up on Sunday and there is a chip on the front of the headstone, about the size of your thumb. On Tuesday i went to the stonemasons who said he'd go up and look at it, but would get back to me the next day. He never, so i went back in today and the boss wasn't there so i spoke to another man who claims that the people who removed the headstone say that the headstone was chipped when they took it off.

I was up at Ciaran's grave the day before my husband died, and i sure as hell didn't notice any chips and i can't see one suddenly appearing between then and the nine days later when they removed the headstone.

I am just so annoyed, upset and narked off. I don't know where to go to from here.

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 08/05/2009 18:19

Thats awful Dee........Im so sorry for you!

shabster · 08/05/2009 18:40

Im fuming for you Dee - a headstone is so precious - it marks our history and our loved ones - and is so expensive.

Stick to your guns about this...I know you will. You would have noticed the chip like you said. Im angry with the world today and those MALAKERS (Greek for wankers if you want to shout it at them both letter 'a's' are said as in 'shabster') have got me past the point of no return

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 08/05/2009 19:04

Oh Dee I hope you are able to sort it out.

Glad to hear you're feeling better Shabs. Needless to say I will be thinking of you and Matt on Sunday xxx

Olissa - I have got that book too. I haven't had the courage to read it yet.

Olissa · 08/05/2009 20:56

Dee, I'm so sorry the headstone is still not sorted I really hope you can persuade them to see reason, you'd think people in that job would have a bit more sensitivity.

I'm glad you are feeling better Shabs and will be thinking of you and Matt on the 10th. And City, obviously I don't follow footie at all but I have two friends who are big City fans too.

Giraffe, can't believe you might have broken your arm at soft play! Ouch! Feel better soon.

I'm hoping to buy new plants for Caitlin's garden tomorrow, if it ever stops raining. Something thorny I think for thief deterrent! (grrrr)

My DS has been talking about Caitlin today for the first time in a while. He's only 2.6 (20 months when she was born) and when she was in SCBU he thought she was in a cooker. Today he said 'My baby Caitlin can't come and live with us', then he paused for a moment and said 'and she can't live with Granny.' Luckily he didn't seem to want a response...

chegirl · 08/05/2009 22:23

Just popping in to say goodnight x

Dee - so sorry love. What a horrible thing to have to try and deal with. I am really sorry and hope you can sort it out soon.

Shabs - hope you feel better. Will be thinking of you on Sunday x

Giraffe - what on earth were you doing jumping about on soft play?! Dont you know you are supposed to sit reading and drinking tea whilst the kids disappear under the balls in the ball pit . Hope it doesnt hurt too much x

Olissa - my DS2 talks about Billie a lot. He was only 3 when she died (6 now). He asks about her and makes statements out of the blue daily. It can be very hard to deal with sometimes. He has learning difficulties so he isnt always very tactful (what 6 year old boy is though?). He will say 'my sister is dead isnt she?' on the way to school or 'is Billie better now? Is she comeing home, no she cant can she?' whilst we wait in the queue at tescos.

But he is always happy to talk about my girl so I dont mind. I could talke about her all day

I am going to the memorial in the cemetary tommorow. I cant remember if I told you about it. It is in memory of ALL lost children. It was unveiled two weeks ago. I will think of all your babies when I am there.

Good night all x

shabster · 09/05/2009 00:53

Good night girls xx

shabster · 09/05/2009 06:23

Good morning girls.....why am I wide awake at such an unearthly hour???

lottiejenkins · 09/05/2009 13:01

Hi everyone, I am off out with my Mum shortly to get my bits and bobs to cook for dinner tonight! I went out with my friend Catherine last night and imbibed in a few ciders!! This morning Ali and I have been to a coffee morning in aid of our local pre school!!

frasersmummy · 09/05/2009 15:18

hi everyone

Honestly, I know stone masons are paid to do a job like the rest of us but surely they realise they are dealing with people at the worst times of their lives. I would be really annoyed and start shouting at them Dee.

I am sorry you are really low shabster.. your post about having a housefull brought tears to my eyes. I find it hard to watch Ross grow and not think of Fraser, so I cant imagine the pain of watching only one twin making his way in the world never mind the extra pain of losing matty

I will light candle for you all tomorrow

On a lighter note I went to see never Forget last night.. the musical based on the songs of Take That. It was brilliant.. far better than Mamma Mia

Oh and Giraffe please share the story of your arm.. I am sure we all have a vision of you climbing around after the kids!

Its been a hard week .. I hope we all find some peace and dare I say it some happiness next week. I am thinking of you all

chegirl · 09/05/2009 21:03

Met a lady today who has written books on grief and losing a child. She is an american lady who was over visiting my friends who set up the angel memorial in City of London Cemetary.

She was very nice. I didnt know there was a sort of movement in the USA to provide angel memorials across the states to give parents a focus and comfort.

Apperently she was inspired by a book called 'the christmas box' has anyone read it?

I am being a bit rubbish on details because the books are downstairs and I am feeling a bit woozy (had a tablet).

I will find them because I am sure some of you may be interested.

Hope your day has been ok.

x

shabster · 10/05/2009 01:22

Just wanted to remember my darling boy Matt -
Matt, in a little while you will be 25. Today it is 17 years since you left me. 17 of the longest, hardest years I have ever survived. I want to thank you for being the funniest, most sincere little fella I have ever met.

Matts bestest song of all time

travellingwilbury · 10/05/2009 07:37

Shabs a candle will be lit here in Sunny Sussex to remember your Matt .

I hope you get through today ok and manage to find a wee bit of peace .

I love that song too . He has got good taste xxx

Deemented · 10/05/2009 08:39

Shabbs - i'm sat here in tears listening to Matt's song. It's so unfair that he's not here with you today. I so wish i coud change things for you, for all of us. Sending you much love today, and strength to get you through the day. Love you, mate x

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 10/05/2009 09:12

There is a candle lit in Glasgow in honour of Matt

I hope today passes peacefully for you and all your family shabs...

I am sending you much love and hugs

lottiejenkins · 10/05/2009 10:03

Thinking of you today darling Shabs xx I bet Matt and Jack are having a kickabout up there with St Peter in goal for them~~!!

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 10/05/2009 10:22

A candle will be lit here for you today Matt.

Be kind to yourself Shabs.

Much love xxx

shabster · 10/05/2009 10:26

Thank you so much my smashing friends. As always the day is nowhere near as bad as the 'build up'. Had a good cry at my friends last night - got somewhat drunk and smoked too many cigarettes!!! I now sound like a very white Barry White LOL. I appreciate your lovely words. xx

hazygirl · 10/05/2009 15:01

hi candle lit here in yorkshire ,shabs thinking of you today i wish ii could ease the pain,and thanks for holding our hands every step of the way and guiding us all the time.you realy are a starx

shabster · 10/05/2009 16:21

Awww thank you Hazy - believe me I rely heavily on all of you girls xxx

chegirl · 10/05/2009 23:02

Dear Shabs, I am late on here tonight but I wanted to get on and say I have been thinking about you and your lad today. x

shabster · 10/05/2009 23:12

thanks Che....thank you my friends for your loyal support. Next comes Matts 25th birthday at the end of June...I miss him so much but am soooooooooooo grateful that he was my son, physically, for almost 8 years xx