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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
hazygirl · 26/08/2009 08:14

go on shabs ,you do it x im sure everyone agrees

hazygirl · 26/08/2009 08:17

snap herex

travellingwilbury · 26/08/2009 08:20

It is rubbish here too , I am thinking about lighting the fire today . Just not right in August

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 26/08/2009 08:47

Morning ladies.

It's a bit chilly here today but I'm sure it'll warm up

I think it's a great idea for you to take the baton again Shabs

Love to you FM {{{hugs}}}

shabbapinkfrog · 26/08/2009 09:14

Thank you so much girls - got a big soppy grin on my face now. Wish I didn't belong to 'our family' but still glad I met all you lovely mums Need to start thinking about a good and fitting title now xxx

lottiejenkins · 26/08/2009 20:07

Hi ladies! I seem to have come back and stirred up a hornets nest on here!!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/814464-to-want-to-deck-the-manager-of-a-West-End?msgid= 16599593

chegirl · 26/08/2009 20:22

Hello all,

Not been feeling too well lately so have stayed away. I know it doesnt make sense but hey what does?

Lottie you know I dont think YABU at all!

lottiejenkins · 26/08/2009 21:44

Thanks Che!!!!

travellingwilbury · 27/08/2009 07:18

Good morning everyone x

Nice to see you back chegirl , I hope you are doing as ok as you can at the min .

Lottie YANBU ,I won't go on the thread as I don't want to start it all off again , hope you are ok this morning x

shabbapinkfrog · 27/08/2009 07:45

Good morning girls xx

frasersmummy · 27/08/2009 10:13

morning all.. its nice to see the sun

We are off to take a boat drip "doon the watter" today

Just a short boat trip while Ross is still young enough to think activities like these are cool

lottiejenkins · 27/08/2009 12:10

Hi all, thanks for your support on the other thread! I am very proud of my nephew and goddaughter, Kit(nephew) got 10 A's and A*s and 1B. My goddaughter Chloe got 6 A's 2 B's and 2 C's!!!!

shabbapinkfrog · 27/08/2009 12:19

WOW Lottie that is wonderful - congratulations to both of them xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 27/08/2009 19:18

FM - have you got a strong Scots accent or a wee lilt?

Congratulations on those GCSE results!!

Nice to see you Chegirl, I hope things improve for you. If you need us you know where we are.

travellingwilbury · 28/08/2009 07:07

Good morning all .

I have got a wee bit of a poorly head , went out with a lovely friend last night and had a fab time

shabbapinkfrog · 28/08/2009 08:33

Good morning girls. TW sounds like a brilliant night

lottiejenkins · 28/08/2009 09:38

TW you sound like i normally do!!!

shabbapinkfrog · 29/08/2009 10:38

Morning girls xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 29/08/2009 10:58

Morning ladies.

The sun is shining here today but it's a bit chilly.

I've got a wicked stomach ache at the mo, but I'm off to the hairdressers in a few hours so I'll have a few hours to myself - bliss

Are everyone's kids back to school this coming week?

shabbapinkfrog · 29/08/2009 11:14

Morning love - our Tom isin't back until the 8th September - its been a long few weeks!!!

lottiejenkins · 29/08/2009 12:47

Wilf goes back on Wednesday, they wanted me to send him back on Wed to arrive at 6pm, He would have a three hour journey there... Then have all day Thursday and Friday morning then come home again! Then another three hour journey home, then have the same journey back on Sunday again! I have asked them to keep him at school for the weekend as i think it is all too much and I am off to stay with my friends in Weymouth for two days for a break.

MintPattie · 29/08/2009 15:10

Hi, I'm a lapsed mumsnetter who left the UK in Feb to move to Oz after the death of our little girl.

I've always been more of a lurker than a poster - but really need to share with others who are walking the same path.

My darling Jemima died in her sleep three weeks short of her fourth birthday last year. The first anniversary will be on the 10th. Time has become such an emeny to me. The more it progresses the more I feel I'm being swept away from my child.

It's hit home today - my birthday. Family rallied around to celebrate but it felt like we were going through the motions. For me it was a day of private tears. All I can think of is what we were doing together this time last year.....and that this is another significant family event that Jemima is no longer a part of.

We bought her special flowers and lit sparklers under a starry sky to include her in the family event but it's not enough. How I miss her smile, and smell and touch.....

The thought of more birthdays and more years is terrible.

shabbapinkfrog · 29/08/2009 16:06

Welcome my friend to, what I think is, the most loving and loyal thread on Mumsnet. As we always say - glad that you found us but sorry that we had to meet here.

Im so sad for you for the loss of Jemima - its obvious from your words that she was and is much loved. Was she poorly? Dont answer if you dont want to.

Your grief and bereavement is still so new and raw - I can remember that feeling of hopelessness for many years. It has been 27 years since I lost my twin boy Gareth and 17 years since my sweet boy Matthew was killed. It has taken me many years to feel 'better' - there is still not a day goes by that I dont think of them.

My most recent 'hard time' was Christmas, 2008. We have been blessed with our first granchild - Lewis, who is now 14 months. I looked around the dining table and tried to imagine what it would be like with all four of my sons, their partners, maybe even their children. I had a heavy heart all through December.

Any celebrations are so difficult - you feel guilty if you laugh and guilty if you cry. Hang around here my friend and you will find other mums treading the crappy path - we all support each other and prop each other up when we are low. You will also find laughter on here, anger, love, tears, longing etc etc. xxx

chegirl · 29/08/2009 17:21

Dear MintPattie thank you for sharing your lovely Jemima with us. How dreadful for you to lose her. I am so sorry.

I know what you mean about the passing of time. Each day takes us further away from when we last saw and held our darling children.

It has been 3 years since I lost my Billie girl. Each month has been different. Grief changes and evolves. It doesnt get 'better' but it does get different. The raw pain does re-emerge but less often and for shorter periods. As Shabs says there will always be triggers that bring it all back in a rush but it never really goes away. Its because we love them so much. The price we pay for those perfect children is the pain we feel now.

We do survive and we do find a way of living. We smile and laugh and learn how to live our new lives.

Since the very start I have found talking to those who know the most valuable support.

I am sorry you had to join us here but hope you find some comfort. x

frasersmummy · 29/08/2009 17:50

Hi Mintpattie its awful facing each new day without your darling daughter isnt it ??

My first little boy Fraser was stillborn more than 5 years ago and there is not a day passes that I dont think about him and about what might have been

We are here if you want to tell us Jemima's story but if you want just want to vent, rant, cry or just sit and listen for a while then thats ok too.. we will be here to help you move further along this horrid road when you are ready. Are you going to mark the 10th.. the ladies on here like to light a candle for each other on remember days.

My not so darling son informed me today in a rage.. I will chop down that tree and you wont remember Fraser at all .... it will just be me

I was sooo upset .. its not like I ever compare him to Fraser.. how could I when I never knew Fraser

So I got right down to his level and asked him what made him say that and he saud .. I dont think you love me as much I was gobsmacked. Whenever I am upset about Fraser i always tell him its because his Big brother is not here but then ask.. but who makes mummy happy and he says me and we have a big cuddle

I tell him all the time I love him and he is special.

I am guessing this is just an attention comment and now I have responded to it once it will get trotted out a few more times

any advice ladies??