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Bereavement

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 17:58

Hello everyone

I have done bugger all in the garden

But I have managed to get Daniels hair cut which is always a bit of a mission .

How is everyone doing ?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 06/05/2009 18:29

My garden is a mess. It's well established, but we haven't really done anything to it since we moved in (2 years ago!) as we've concentrated on the house instead. The grass does get cut though!

We're having a bbq tonight - yum yum.

travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 18:44

bbq sounds lovely Ilike .

We do try with the garden but neither of us are very green fingered and the weeds just seem to take over . It's like "Day of the triffids " out there

chegirl · 06/05/2009 19:58

I'll have you all know that cowboy hats are tres chic. Unfortunately my puppy got hold of mine and its now looking a bit chewed worn in

travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 19:59

That puppy has got some mean taste

lottiejenkins · 06/05/2009 20:03

Im watching the football so I can tell Wilf all about it! Its on farkin Sky so he cant watch it at school!

giraffesCantRunA10k · 06/05/2009 20:55

Wow lots of posts today. frasersmumm Yes I have had a horrid experience today in complete contrast to that friend. Someone told me today I should "get over it and put work first" I would call her my friend, but she no longer is. Hope Brownies enjoy firemen...I remember taking my Brownie pack to the fire station, they let the girls do the hose (disaster!!)

chegirl your garden sounds fab.

Lovely picture lottie such a big

Does anyone believe in signs?

lottiejenkins · 06/05/2009 21:02

I do giraffe................ I remember a huge rainbow not long after Jack died........it gave me hope to carry on! Am glad you like the ~!!~

giraffesCantRunA10k · 06/05/2009 21:39

Aw rainbow sounds lovely. I was feeling shit this morning, wasnt sure I could face going in to work. Then a bird came and sat on my window sill and turned its head and stared at my Rose scented candles that I light when I want to feel comforted and close to Rosie, sat there for 5 minutes just looking in. Took a photo - just popped it on profile. Made me feel all warm.

chegirl · 06/05/2009 22:53

I am glad you found some comfort G. That idiot who told you to get over it doesnt deserve any of your time or consideration.

Billie sends me butterflies of course . I also have a special place for magpies. They make me think of Billie and her friends that have passed. They come in pairs and big groups, they always look happy and cheeky and free. I dont know why but when I see them I think 'theres Billie and H and M etc. It always makes me smile.

It was Billie's third anniversary last Monday. I came down in the morning to put the kettle on and WHOOSH a magpie swooped down and sat on the decking fence! I have never had a magpie in my garden before. They tend to like open spaces, not little gardens.

I just called out Billie! and burst into tears.

Some days I know Billie is everywhere. I will go shopping and there will be tons of stuff with Butterflies on and a certain song will be playing, I will see a little girl who looks like her, there will be a special offer on her favourite food, I will see something with her name on it etc. I love those days.

shabster · 07/05/2009 04:39

me and Tom have the dreaded lurgy!! Sickness, headache and the runs - kindly passed on by Lewis!! Feel sooooooooooooo poorly x

hazygirl · 07/05/2009 07:04

oh shabs hope your better soon,its awful innit x

giraffesCantRunA10k · 07/05/2009 07:13

Hope you feel better soon.

travellingwilbury · 07/05/2009 07:38

Good morning everyone

I hope you feel better soon Shabs , it soiunds horrid x

giraffe , I agree with chegirl , the people that make stupid comments are not even worth your head space . They have no idea and it isn't worth the energy to fight them , just ignore ignore ignore xx

Deemented · 07/05/2009 07:56

G'mornin folks.

I'm sorry G that you had to hear that from your so called friend - ignore the fuckwitt. Some people just don't have a clue.

Hope you're feeling better soon, Shabs - just one small request - keep it to yourself please!

Che - i have a little robin redbreast that comes to me. I don't know if it's a sign, but it brings me comfort. Not long after Ciaran was buried, before his headstone went on, there was a wooden cross marking his grave and i was there one day when a little roin perched on the top of it and sang tome for a moment. Then later that day i was having a weep as i was washing up, and a robin landed on the kitchen windowsil. It seems like nearly everytime i go up to Ciaran's grave the robin is about, and every house i've lived in since he died, the robin has come and shown itself to me, kinda like it was letting me know that he's with me.

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 07/05/2009 09:08

morning everyone I hope you get better soon shabs

I think magpies just know! We had had 4 that hopped about our garden before Fraser

The day after we lost him there was only 1 just sitting on the fence staring in the kitchen window. It came back and forwards for days...

A few weeks later Brian was going back to work and was trying to decide how to handle it .. we had loads of them in the backgarden.. 7 in fact. I never believed this before but I do now

1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for girl
4 for a boy
5 for silver
6 for gold
7 for a story never to be told

I sound like a nutter.. expect men in white coats any minute

shabster · 07/05/2009 09:18

FM if you are a nutter then so am I!!!

We often see 2 butterflys - saw 2 in Teneriffe on Xmas Day!! Always see 2 when we first get to Rhodes - as if the boys have travelled with us and are just letting us know they are there!

Also saw a massive field of sunflowers on the same holiday in Teneriffe - sunflowers are the 'happiest' flowers I have ever seen.....they make me think of Gareth and Matt.

OK FM - if those men come with the white coats we need to hide each other

lottiejenkins · 07/05/2009 17:20

Hi all, im planning a dinner menu for Saturday night, a lovely friend of mine lost her husband to cancer in January, if you remember i had his funeral the same day as my aunt's..........anyway she is coming for dinner so i am excitedly planning what we are going to have to eat! Im thinking braised sausages in red wine and raspberry fool, for pudding!!

Deemented · 07/05/2009 20:23

Ohhh yummy!!!! Got enough for one more?

OP posts:
Olissa · 07/05/2009 20:52

Oh there are lots of magpies round here too. Not sure if it's where I grew up but the version of the magpie rhyme I knew was
one for sorrow
two for mirth
three for a funeral
four for a birth
five for heaven
six for hell
seven's the Devil, his own sel'

but apparently there are loads of them!

We haven't really 'spoken' before Giraffe, I'm sorry you're having a tough time atm x

I bought and read that book that was mentioned on another thread here recently - An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken, about her first little boy who was stillborn and her second pregnancy. It is very, very well written, I think. I recommend it but it will make you cry!

The stonemason has finally sourced the slate for Caitlin's plaque, but I haven't redone the planting yet - so much rain!

Eek, DS has got up and strange creaking noises are coming from his room - must run x

shabster · 07/05/2009 22:43

Still feeling really ill so just wanted to pop in and say goodnight. The 10th of May is my Matts 17th Remember Day - 17 years since I last saw him doesn't bear thinking about. Going to hide under my quilt and be ill quietly See you all in the morning xxx

travellingwilbury · 08/05/2009 07:19

Good morning all

Sorry you are still poorly sick Shabs .
I have got a stinky cold and would love to crawl back into bed for the day . Not going to happen though obviously .

Have you got anything planned for Sunday ? I never know what to do on these dates . I tend to just wait and see how I am feeling on the day . I always expect something to happen but I just end up being grumpy and teary .

shabster · 08/05/2009 07:34

Morning TW.

Nothing planned for Sunday as yet. Next month Matt will be 25 years old and then in July we have Gareths 27th Remember Day. When I read all the other posts on here I think that my losses are recent! How weird that my mind plays that trick on me.

This may sound crazy to anyone who doesn't follow or like football BUT on Sunday the football fixture is Manchester United v Manchester City. Our family are all Manchester City - so I am hoping that Matt will be able to 'do' something for us If he was here physically we would all be sat around the tv shouting and cheering! Can you imagine that? Two 27year olds (with their partners and children???) a 25 year old and an 11 year old - all in our little house! How great would that be and HOW NOISEY!!

travellingwilbury · 08/05/2009 07:49

What a lovely picture Shabs . Fingers crossed Matt can do something to help on Sunday ( to be fair they need all the help they can get for that one )

Time is a funny thing isn't it ? It will be 8yrs this december since Harry died and some days it feels like a lifetime ago and at other times it feels like just a few weeks .

shabster · 08/05/2009 07:56

I agree with you so much - I cant imagine having 3 adult sons and Tom (already a stroppy teenager) I feel like it all happened last week and then I yearn and long for them - just one little peep at how they look now - just 30 seconds

Such a dreadful waste - every one of us on this thread must feel like that. Our hopes and dreams for that child all gone.

Right! I am feeling a bit better health wise and need to sort this dirty pig sty out. Thanks for listening TW. xxxx

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