Is anyone on line now? Want to talk? My Dad is dying right now.

[Rhiannon]

get choked when I talk so it's easier to type with my fingers

Rhiannon, Deborah, so very sorry to hear your news. Will be thinking of you both over the next few weeks. I think you've both tackled the dreaded experience of losing a parent so bravely. Cyberhugs.

Rhiannon - I've been thinking of you today. I can understand your DS choice - I didn't go to my grandad's funeral ( I was 16) but spent the day at home remembering him, as I still do sunbathing in the back garden, sitting in the deckchair and a glass of beer in hand!! Fond memories still.

Thanks to everyone else for your kind thoughts. I'm about to start writing out my bit for Wednesday - there are so many good memories that it's hard to work out what to include.

Regards to all, Deborah xx Special thoughts and hugs to you Rhiannon and your family xx

Me again, things are moving swiftly. Went to the funeral directors today.

My Mum whinged about the price of the buffet. I told her she shouldn't expect change from £2000.00 (as a friend had advised). Friend was right.

Have decided to decorate the house with white lilies, greenery and apple green ribbon. I love white lilies. Have found a lady to do it and perhaps I could take some to the Crematorium too. Everyone is back here afterwards, lets hope it's a nice day.

Haven't really eaten anything since Wednesday evening, certainly a good unexpected diet. Don't feel hungry. Did have an ice-cream today but didn't feel like I needed it.

The worst bit is the condolences as I crack up. The best bit is all the lovely bunches of flowers my friends have given me.

Thinking of you Deborahf.

Rhiannon and Deborahf, thinking of you and hoping you find the strength to get through this sad time. xxxx

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Rhiannon I'm so sorry this had to happen. I think you've handled your ds exactly right - it probably will be easier for you without him there, but it will be important for him that he was able to make his own decison.
On the day of my Grandads funeral my Mum and I ended up leaving the gathering downstairs and lying on her bed for a couple of hours, just talking. Don't feel you have to be there for everyone else. The thing that got my Mum through the day was Bachs rescue remedy - your only meant to take a few drops but she drank a whole bottle.

Hi, saw the vicar yesterday, he suggested the children should be there as we are giving thanks for Dad's life. I am not so sure they could cope with a coffin in front of them as I can't.

My 8 year old DS is not mature. My Mum has just taken DS out for a bike ride and she was going to ask him about coming along again.

Have spent the weekend getting ready for everyone coming here on Thursday.

Rhiannon

So sorry to hear about losing your dad, it has been so awful for you and you are probably worried about the funeral.
We have lost both my MIL (1999) and FIL (this January).
My DS was 5 when MIL died and because we were unsure how to handle it I rang Winstons Wish (it is a charity set up for children who lose their parents, they can go to the cente and talk to other children and its purpose is to try to help them come to terms with their loss).They were very helpful and said that it is very important to let the child decide (obviously if they are old enough to make a decision) what they want to do. My DS wanted to go to the Chapel of Rest to see his Nanny and although I didn't really want to I went in with him. He wasn't frightened and came to the church service and burial and again wasn't frightened.
This time with FIL we all went DS 8 and Twins 6 1/2. They were OK, not frightened but my DD did break her heart on the way out. We all went to the funeral and burial as well, and they have been OK, sad and reflective at times.
My dad wasn't allowed to go to his brothers' funeral ( he was older about 15) and it still haunts him now, he wanted to go but his dad stopped him.
Anyway hope this is of some help to you. You know your children so you have to go with what you feel is right and I think when they are young they can cope with it, they don't have the depth of feelings adults do.
I'll be thinking of you, and don't worry about showing your feelings, it is only natural and it is better than bottling it up. Quite often something will remind me of MIL and FIL and I will shed a tear (I was very lucky to have such lovely PILs)
Take care.

Have again spoken to DS about going to the funeral but he said he thought he would get nightmares.

The children are coming to the 'party' afterwards.

Thanks for all the kind words.

Rhiannon - I think that's a really good compromise. You should still ask another adult to keep an eye on them at the "party" - you will have enough to think about.
Will the grave be near enough for you and ds to visit? My sister was 8 when grandad died and she used to go and leave flowers for him (and an easter egg) every so often.

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I think we may scatter the ashes, the vicar said there are a lot so to be careful what we do with them as we may need permission. My Dad loved fishing so we may go to a favourite fishing lake.

I think I would like to have a memorial at home that we can take if we move and we can visit as often as we like. Just a little plaque and some flowers or maybe a garden bench with a plaque on it (like in parks!).

Will think about this one.

Ordered the flowers yesterday, white lilies for the top of the coffin and I've ordered masses of lilies for the house.

I'm making a display of old photos and his momentoes. He was in the police for 30 years so there are lots of memories from that.

Hi Rhiannon - it sounds like it will be a lovely service, and having your Dad's ashes on his favourite lake it a lovely idea. My Mummy is going to spread my Dad's ashes on the local canal - it was a favourite walk of theirs.

Rhiannon - I hope you are coping. Don't forget to give yourself time.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts.
Regards Deborah x

Hi ya Deborahf, thinking of you tomorrow, it's going to be lovely weather if nothing else.

Unfortunately it has finally hit DS age 8 tonight. He has gone to bed hugging a photo frame. Wants to come to the funeral but so frightened of the coffin. I have explained that it is all about peace now but I think kids TV has a lot to answer for.

My Mum came over and blitzed the house whilst I was out, really kind of her and feel more comfortable about everyone coming now. Hopefully they can all go in the garden anyway as the weather is going to be fab over the next few days.

Love to all.

Rhianon - you said you were having a cremation - is that somewhere different than the church. If so, could ds go to the church service then go home with someone whilst you go to the crematorium?

Thanks Prufrock, we're not having a church service, the vicar is coming to the Crematorium.
Good idea though.

Deborahf, hope all goes well today.

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Have a clean and tidy house, DH has even cleared out his office. Loads of lilies in vases look beautiful.

Crematorium 2pm tomorrow. Not looking forward to the limo journey.

Hope it all goes well,
hugs

Just caught up with this (been away for a few days) and felt the need to join in as lots of things rang bells. My Dad died 2 yrs ago from emphysema, but had to have a pm - they tend to do it if they had it because of legal action happening about emphysema. Dad was also a 30 year police officer and all his old collegues came to the funeral - the place was packed and the singing fabulous, just as he would have wanted and really opened my eyes to a different side of him, and how well respected he was even all those years later. Just to reassure on money your Mum will get a good widows pension as my Mum does from the Police fund.

Will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending big love to you. My then 2yr old Ds went to Dad's funeral (I was 6 months pg at the time) and was a great source of strength to us all as we all recognised dad in him and he was affectionate and concerned with everyone. He needed to know where Grandad had gone and whilst being sad reasoned it all out for himself to cope with - and he still talks about him with affection every few days.

sorry to go on, once I get going I can't stop.

Love and kissesxx and to deborahf too

Hope things went smoothly, Deborahf. Thinking of you today, Rhiannon. xx

Hi Rhiannon - you and your family are in my thoughts today. Hope all goes well for you.

Thanks also to everyone for their kinds thoughts - yesterday want very well. It was a lovely simple service with my dad's favourite bits of jazz being played at the start and finish. I read the bit from my mum and me - I was really pleased - I didn't cry. The day was gloriously sunny and hot - just the sort of day my dad enjoyed. Strange as it may sound, it was a lovely day.

Thinking of you Rhiannon - love Deborah xx

glad you'll have some good memories of yesterday, deborahf.

Rhiannon, thinking of you today.

Deborahf
Glad it all went well yesterday. My mum found this bit, after the funeral, the worse when everything starts to get 'back to normal' especially for everyone else. She says it gets easier to live with so stay strong and concerntrate on the happy memories. xxx

Rhiannon
Not long now. I am thinking of you and sending cyber hugs. Good luck doesn't quite sound right but I hope you know what I mean. xxx