Is anyone on line now? Want to talk? My Dad is dying right now.

[Rhiannon]

get choked when I talk so it's easier to type with my fingers

I know my Dad is frightened it just feels horrible to have someone visit to say 'goodbye' admitting that we all think he's going to die.

It is horrible to get to the point that you wish it would happen to stop my Dad being so miserable, he is now unable to walk, his toes are blue. It's so sad for him as he knows exactly what's going on. He hasn't watched TV or read the paper today either, which is unheard of. He says he can't concentrate.

Night everyone

This situation is horrible, Rhiannon. I am sorry he is so miserable. It must be very painful.

My dad died this time last year - he wasn't "dying", he was in bed at home, getting up in the morning and he was totally alone when it happened. He was 81. Dying is a scary idea. It must be so sad and lonely to be sitting there, knowing it's going to happen. Do you want company or do you want everybody to stay away? If people do come, what do you say and what do they say?

If you have enough time to visit, then if you can make him feel loved, I guess that's the best you can do. I can't imagine how it feels to sit in a hospital bed knowing you only have a few days left.

Best wishes to you and him and everybody. xxx

Thinking about both of you.

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I'd just like to add my virtual support to you both, Rhiannon and Deborah. Take care.

Sue

Really sorry to read this, Deborahf and Rhiannon, best wishes. xxx

My Dad died at 11.15pm. We were all there my Mum, me and my brother. It was all very calm. Thank you all for your kind words.

DS didn't see him. Now the next question, does DH (just 8) go to his funeral?

Sorry that was DS not DH.

Rhiannon, I don't know if you are still there, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your Dad's death. I hope all of your family can be content to know that he is at peace now.
I'm afraid I don't know what to do about the funeral - I am sure that someone else has been through all of this and will have some wise words for you.
You and you r family are in my prayers tonight, love Susan xxx

Dear Rhiannon ... I am so sorry to hear your news ... I have read the rest of the thread and I know you have lots of stuff to sort out ... I am thinking of you ... keep talking .... cyber hugs, Ghosty.
PS ...FWIW ... I think 8 is old enough for a child to go to a funeral but it depends on the child. He will need lots of support in terms of the whys and wherefores etc ...

Can't sleep, have had 3 hours. Am exhausted but it just keeps churning over and over in my head. I feel so sick and my tummy is upset.

We got a phone call to go to the hospital at 8pm last night, he looked so frightened when we got there, he couldn't move or talk.

In the end we went to the foyer at 11pm to decide who was staying and who was going home and he died whilst we were there, he must have known we'd left his bedside. My brother was going downstairs and Mum and I went back to give Dad a drink and he'd gone, I ran back after my brother and he came back.

We're not going to tell DS until he gets home from school today so I just need to compose myself the next few hours.

Love to all, thinking of you too DeborahF

Rhiannon, what can I say, but that I'm sorry? I can so much relate to your first paragraph - do be careful and give yourself time to get over the initial shock, which I think occurs even when a death is expected. I had a long, solitary, drive home after my dad died and quite honestly, looking back, I must have been a danger to myself and other road users.

As to your DS, I think at 8 he is old enough to attend but it might depend on what the funeral wil be like, who will be there and so on. Although funerals are always sad, sometimes they can be more a celebration of the person's life rather than dwelling on the passing, iykwim. No doubt you will be talking about all this with your mum, so that might help you make the decision.

Thinking of you, Sue.

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Sorry to hear that Rhiannon. As Susanmt said, he's at peace now and free of pain.

I also think 8 is old enough to go to a funeral but talk it through with your DS and ask if he wants to go. He's probably old enough to make up his own mind once things have been explained to him.

Take care,
x

Rhiannon, I'm sorry to hear of your father's death.

Rhiannon very sorry to hear of your fathers death.I am sure that he took great comfort from the fact that you were all there.It probably gave him the strength to finally let go. May he rest in peace now.

Deborahf my condolences to you and your family too.

Sorry Rhiannon. It was a punched-in-the-stomach feeling of shock for me, even though we were prepared for it too. You will get through it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Take care.

I have no hesitation whatsoever in saying that your ds should go to the funeral. I was pretty young when my grandfather died (can't remember how old I was now - but I must have been around your ds age, maybe a little older) and it was discussed that I shouldn't go - I was dreadfully upset, I wanted to say goodbye too. In the end, I was allowed to go and I was glad I did. Yes it was upsetting, but it helped to be able to publicly grieve with the rest of the family (if that makes any sense?)

At the same funeral my young cousin (who was only a toddler at the time) came too, and it didn't seem out of place. I remember my aunt and uncle explaining death to her in very simple terms - maybe she didn't understand, but it still felt fitting that she was there and was included.

Rhiannon - I am so sorry to hear that your father has died. No words can ease the pain you're feeling right now, but time will help, as will the love and support of your family and friends. I hope you've been able to tell your DS - my little boy has been such a support to me. Children don't dwell on it like us "grown-ups". My DS simply said to me, "Grandad's not in pain now - so you don't have to be sad." And with the children I've had to get on, and it's got easier by the day.

My father's funeral is next Wednesday and I'm going to say a few words - I'm sure I'll be in floods again then, but I'll be remembering the good times.

My thoughts are with you Rhiannon - take care. Love to you and your family. xx

I forgot to say - both my DS (aged 7) and my DD (18 mths) will be at the funeral. I asked my DS if he wanted to go and he said he'd like to say "bye, bye". I think it helps the children to understand that someone special has gone, but they will always be loved and remembered. Hope this helps. Deborah xx

deborahf, I hope it goes OK at the funeral. I don't know if this will help but I spoke at my father's funeral too and it helped me to concentrate on looking at the paper I had in front of me rather than looking out at the sea of people. I just know I couldn't have carried on if I had looked up. I know this might not be the case for you though, everyone's different. Thinking of you too.

So very sorry, Rhiannon and Deborahf. I wish words helped. Thinking of you both. xxxxxxxx

Rhiannon, so sorry. Thinking of you and yours.
I'm well over a year on from my fathers death and to be honest I am not sure the shock ever leaves you just learn to live with it. Dealing with the practicalities concentrates the mind the time after just spreads before one and ones loved one absence grows and grows. Sometimes I find myself having to say out loud 'my dad is dead' because it is still so unreal to me. Expect to go through lots of emotions and whether they are 'good' or 'bad' emotions they are all relevant and necessary. Be nice to yourself it is a huge, huge thing to deal with.

With reference to ds going to the funeral, if he wants to go let him. Maybe he could choose a piece of music that reminds him of his Grandad? I think children are much more accepting of death than adults and it's good for him to have a chance to say goodbye. Although personally I don't think a funeral is closure but the start of dealing with it. I agree with Robinw that children being at a funeral often helps others.
it shouldn't be the only reason for him to go but it is something to consider. I know my extended family were really grateful that I took my chilren 12 yrs and 14 months at the time it, and frankly my father had such a wonderful relationship with my children - he loved them so much and was such a huge part of their lives -that I would have found it very odd if they had not been there. If you do take your son ask dh (or somebaody else) to take responsibilty for him if he needs to leave. You need to think about yourself too. HTH
Take care, Winniex

Deborahf, you are so right to say children don't dwell on it in the way adults do and yes becasue of them you do simply have to get on with it.
Thinking of you too, the funeral is such a big thing. Be nice to yourself and give yourself time. Best wishes, winniex