Is anyone on line now? Want to talk? My Dad is dying right now.

[Rhiannon]

get choked when I talk so it's easier to type with my fingers

I mean talk with my fingers

You poor soul - life must seem horrid at the moment - thinking of you

Should I take my 8 year old son to say goodbye?

He has not eaten for 4 days and has stopped drinking, there is no drip which I presume means the hospital see no need. He is just lying there with an oxygen mask

Would it be better to remember him as he was last week or would my Dad find comfort from seeing him?

Perhaps I'll just keep typing to keep the thread at the top of the list and maybe a shoulder to cry on may turn up.

That's a tough one. How do you think they will both cope with it ?
Do remember that children are very resilliant and very matter of fact about even distressing topics such as death. They seem to absorb as much information as they want to and ignore the rest.
An awful question to ask - but how long has your Dad got? Is he hitched up to a load of machines ?

My gut reaction would be to take DS for a "visit" but prepare him and explain what he is likely to see. Maybe ask him if he would like to go and visit grandpa in hospital. Ds will more than likely ask the question " Is grandpa going to die ?" and that's the time to explain it to him. HTH

Sorry our posts crossed

My DH says it is best to remember him as he was but I think he should say goodbye but how is that going to affect an 8 yr old??

Thanks for coming back, thought I'd just keep typing till someone came!

My DS knows his Grandad is dying, he has been prepared very slowly. My dad has emphysema so he has been going downhill for 5 years now. He only has oxygen and pain relief.

I wouldn't say that this is the "goodbye visit" as that really is painting the darkest picture. 8 year olds are however able to work things out fairly quickly.
Ask your Dad if he would like to say goodbye but not stress to DS the finality of it all.

I didn't think I would be so upset, we have a crap relationship. It's really weird. I don't even know him.

Isn't life cruel - and there I am ranting on another thread about 2 absolutley awful ( but healthy ) in laws!

That's a good idea, although my tears may be a give away. I'm not good at composing myself unfortunately.

In 35 years I don't think my Dad has ever said anything nice to me, can you believe that? Probably not, he has treated me and the rest of his family like one of the prisoners in his poice cells.

That was meant to be police cells

Well, as well as worrying adout what DS feels, take this time to think about your own feelings. Think of all the things you want to / ought to say before your Dad goes .... things that you will not be able to say once he has gone. You would not want to regret not saying these things to him.
Perhaps some explanations for the way you've behaved, perhaps some answers to questions that you might have, perhaps some apologies ? I dont know - but there must be some issues that you and your Dad would like to cover. Have you visited him on your own and broached these subjects?

I am sorry to butt in.Think about what your father would want? Maybe that will help you make your decision whether to let your son see him. I am here for you aswell.

Oh, Rhiannon, poor you (all of you), I am sorry.

Was your DS close to your Dad? Had he seen much of him recently? Is your Dad awake enough to know he's there, rally and say goodbye?

Agree with crystaltips that if you do take him to say goodbye you should try to prepare him. But I think that if you don't take him, and he was close to your dad, both you and he may regret the loss of the last chance to see each other.

Sorry - don't know enough to really help. You know them both best - what do you think would be best for them and for you? Is your Dad alone now? You don't mention your mum.

Don't forget that even when people are near the end they often can still hear and know who is there. If you can take DS tomorrow I think it would be better for all of you if you can - yes, your DS will probably be upset but it will help him understand about death, and you being upset, and it won't be keeping anything from him.

Good luck. Hope he passes peacefully.

Crying is natural and shows that you are not made of stone.
Maybe it's up to you to make the first move. It might not be you who technically should - but at the end of the day ( see annoying phrases thread ) - if you are the first to pass the olive branch think how much better you will feel about his death.

Thanks for helping.

My Dad and DS are very very close. They used to go everywhere together, I think my Dad used to try to undo his wrongdoings with his grandson. DS used to sit on his knee for hours, they always watched Robot Wars together. The list is endless.

I would like to give him a hug (unheard of) and tell him we'll look after Mum

My Mum is unemotional (they mentally divorced years ago).

I have a feeling that somehow going tomorrow is going too late. DD has chicken pox which complicates things further but my Mum says she'll look after her (she doesn't want to come).

Then I think you should take him to say goodbye, Rhiannon. It will be awful for all of you but good for DS and your dad, and cathartic for you too. It sounds as if you have forgiven him for what he didn't do for you. Be there for each other.

If they are close then I think you should take DS to visit. But preparation is the key.
I am presuming that because your Dad has not had ideal relationships with others in the family he might not be innundated with visitors - perhaps DS's visit might help your Dad who might be feeling lonely and afraid at the moment.

If tomorrow will be too late can you go yourself tonight and tell him you will bring DS tomorrow?