Is anyone on line now? Want to talk? My Dad is dying right now.

[Rhiannon]

get choked when I talk so it's easier to type with my fingers

Rhiannon and Deborahf so sorry for both of you. My mother died a few months ago and we took both children (8 and under) to her funeral - just didn't expect them necessarily to react as adults do. I've spoken to friends who weren't taken and it was an odd feeling for them being left behind when something momentous was happening. Thinking of you.

Deepest sympathy to you both Rhiannon and DeborahF.

I would reiterate the other comments, certainly take your DS to the funeral, if he want to go, (with provision for someone else to take him outside if necessary). My MIL died last year & all the grandchildren went to the funeral; my DS (18 months at the time & very noisy!) did stay outside with my mum and one of the grandchildren (11) did go out after the first few minutes but the others remained in the service & felt that it was important to say 'goodbye' to their beloved grandma. I think it also helps everyone else to have children around to 'lighten' the occasion.

Thinking of you both at this sad time.

Rhiannon, so sorry about your dad, you must all be in shock at the moment. I didn't take my dds (4 & 6) to my dads funeral, for many reasons but mainly because my sis refused to let her dds go (similar ages) and I was too upset to argue the point at the time. We did have an internment for the ashes about a month later and I took my 2 dds to that and I think it helped them (and me) to know they had said goodbye. Thinking of you and sending hugs XXX
Deborahf - hope everything goes well on Wednesday. At my dads funeral it was very sad and emotional at first (as expected) but everybody got together afterwards and we all started to laugh about the goods times we'd had & the funny things he'd done. Seems a bit strange at the time, but loads of people came up with little stories about things he'd done or said and it helped us store up even more good memories of him.
hugs XXXX

Just another thing, reading Addle's post reminded me, my FIl died when DH & his sisters were in their early teens & they were not 'allowed' to go the funeral, and they still feel upset about that decision to this day, they had to go to school as if nothing had happened.

Rhiannon and Deborahf, just wanted to give you both my best wishes at this hard time.

Sorry to read your sad news Rhiannon. My friends mum died last week and her 4 children went to the funeral - the youngest being 8. The second son age 13 read a poem at the service. I think it is very important for children to be included at this time. They have the right to say goodbye as well and can be a source of comfort to their parents as my friend found. Bereavement counsellors also stress that children should be involved to enable them to grieve properly too. Since your ds had a close relationship with your dad I think you should definately take him with you. Take care.

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Just found out he has to have a post mortem. Does anyone know if you can refuse this?

Rhiannon> HUGS xxxxxx

Ask them the reasons why a post mortem. Is there some question over cause of death? What would the coroner gain from this?

My son had to have a post mortem. The whole idea of them messing around with him horrified me. The justifications for it were there though, so I had to get my head round it. I did have some information on your rights, but I'm afraid it's at home.

I hope you are all looking after eachother and yourselves as well as you can.

This page might help. Your Rights
IME anything that shows you are clued up on your rights will mean they listen and explain things to you properly.

Not a lot more to add ... I agree with the general opinion, ds should be allowed to chose. I was 10, my sister 8, when my Uncle died, I went to his funeral but my sis didn't through choice, It was the right decision for both of us..... Keep and think off the good times it will get easier.....I'll be thinking of you....love and hugs Rainbow -x-x-x-

The hospital say they don't have a cause of death as he had so many problems and wait for this one "the Doctors weren't expecting him to die" Ha Ha. It was Sunday I said he was dying, can't believe no one at the hospital noticed.

I don't think you can refuse the post mortem, sorry Rhiannon. I cannot believe they were not expecting him to die. Surely they knew why he was there and therefore knew he was dying. Check out your rights as I know you can get a death certificate without a pm. It sounds as though there may bit someone sticking too closely to the rules. Keep

very sorry to her about your fathers death, rhiannon. When my dad died my mother and I were in the foyer too, just preparing to go home when a nurse ran up to us to tell us my father had passed away.

There's so much to take and you can feel so up and down with the shock, so do give yourself plenty of time and put off making important decisions if you can, like where your mother will live.

My son went to the funerals of my parents - he was young - aged 5 and a half when my mother died. We wanted him to be there to say goodbye, but also wanted to protect him if it all got a bit much, so my MIL and FIL kindly offered to look after him during the service and take him out if it got too emotional or he became fidgity. My FIL ended up taking him for a little walk around the crematorium gardens for some of the service.

Sening you a cyberhug xx

I don't think you can refuse the post mortem Rhiannon. My Grandma died on 23 March at home and because her GP who had seen her that week had gone on holiday they had to perform a post-mortem. This really upset my 90 year old Grandad who is writing to his MP about it. It also meant that her funeral had to be put back past Mother's Day which was tough for us all.

I agree that you should allow your son to make his own decision regarding the funeral. And the idea of having someone there (maybe a relation of DH) to support him sounds good. I didn't take DS (25 months) to Grandma's funeral because I decide he is too little to understand and it was held right across lunch and nap time. But DH collected him and brought him back to the house afterwards which I think helped. And we got out the photo albums (which DS loved) and laughed at all the photos Grandma had taken with heads etc chopped off. AT 8 though your DS can understand and make a considered decision.

My thoughts are with you.

Firstly I'll send you lots of love at this sad time, I've been following this thread over the last few days and although I can relate exactly to what you're going through (my Dad died when I was 13) I didn't really feel I had anything further to add.
What I'd like to say know is how important it was to me that my Mum gave me the option of going to the funeral or not. I didn't go and have never once regretted it. Obviously I was older than your son but he may apprieciate (sorry sp?) being asked if he wanted to go or not. I know you know your son best so go with what your heart says and on how he is on the day. I stayed at home with some neighbours and made the sandwiches for everyone when they returned. Writing that now seems really odd to me but as I said earlier I have never regretted not going and actually quite enjoyed the day.I will always remember Dad for himself and not going to his funeral hasn't affected that.
Take Care and lots of love to you and yours.

DS has just got home from school, he has taken it very well. He has already decided to play at a friends next week and remember grandad how he was.

Have managed to make all the arrangements today for next Thursday. Coming back here afterwards.

DS and I are going to make up a box of my Dad's things to bring home to keep the memories alive.

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Rhiannon, lots of love and best wishes to all of you, I'm glad your dad is at peace now. I wonder if he chose to slip away quietly while you were all out of the room?

Just in case your DS changes his mind - mine was 8 when his grandad died last year, he hardly ever saw him and they were not close but he did come to the funeral and I think it was better for him than not coming. He had a new exercise book in the car on the journey down and wrote something like "81 years is a long time to be alive for one man" so he was obviously giving it some thought.

My father used to love My Fair Lady and we had 2 of the songs played at the funeral, which was quite cheering - especially as "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face", played at the end, begins with Rex Harrison shouting "Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!" - which made DS2 sit up a bit!

As far as the post mortem is concerned, they may find something that would be useful for you to know; my mother died of mesothilioma (cancer of the lining of the lung, normally associated with asbestos) but a post mortem revealed that she actually had ovarian cancer, and the lung thing was probably a secondary; her mother also had ovarian cancer and now we have a chance to be monitored for it.

Look after yourself and yours. Hope all goes well. xxx

So sorry at the loss of your father, Rhiannon. So glad your son took the news well. Making a memory box is a lovely idea too.

Will be thinking of you (and you, Deborahf) next week.

Rhiannon, sorry to hear about your sad news. Our thoughts are with you.

Thinking of you Rhiannon, and can relate to you. My father died 4 years ago he had heart problems but in the end of was sudden, he died on the way the hospital. He was of the 'old school' very unemotional, no hugs, kisses praise etc... Sometimes it's the things that go unsaid that are more important than what is spoken (does that make sense?) I often wish I had had time to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him. My Mum and Dad had a strange relationship and with hindesight I think they probably should have divorced years ago (is that terrible?) Sorry for the waffle reading this one made me a little emotional. x

Deborahf, hugs to you too, hope you can get through your words at your dad's funeral - I could not even have tried at my dad's.

My DDs were 19 and 16, really hardly knew their grandad (he was quite reclusive, but did always remember their birthdays which was sweet, even if he did have to write their names on a piece of paper on the odd occasion we saw him!) and they were in floods. They are very close to their grandma on the other side though - that grandad died before they were born - so maybe were transferring a bit.

Children are a great help, whatever their age.

Rosehip, our families sound very alike.

I need to decide on some music and perhaps get some people to talk at the service, one aunt has already offered. Dad is still friends with his best man, they were in the RAF together in the 50's he says he can't talk but will write some things down.