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Original poster

Lost our little girl... why???

282 replies

jangus · 09/04/2005 11:12

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 11/04/2005 10:06

Message withdrawn

Nemo1977 · 11/04/2005 10:08

jangus im soo sorry again hun and keep talking it is better than being completely alone...bte lillie mae is a gorgeous name

dinosaur · 11/04/2005 10:10

jangus I'm so so sorry. I really hope that you can get some grains of comfort here.

Thinking of you.

BROWNY · 11/04/2005 10:12

Hi Jangus,

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and your dh, take care of yourselves x

muminlondon · 11/04/2005 10:20

What happened is very sad and seems so cruel. So sorry to read this.

wishingchair · 11/04/2005 11:47

Jangus - one other thing - I have no idea if you are a religious person or not - we're not particularly but have (very surprisingly for us) found huge comfort in the hospital chaplain and being able to have a funeral and so on. I've just got off the phone from the church to organise a service to bury his ashes, and they are so kind and caring. It's a very personal thing but for me, being told that he is being looked after has helped a lot. I lost my baby half way through my pregnancy so it is a different kind of loss I know and has been made so much more difficult because of the issue of hospital negligence. You are doing so well being able to talk about it. Lots of love x

Bella23 · 11/04/2005 20:08

So very sorry to hear what has happened. My thoughts are with you {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

LGJ · 11/04/2005 20:16

I am sitting here sobbing, I said the same to Bubbles as I am about to say to you.

Do not rest until you get answers.

Original poster
jangus · 15/04/2005 13:42

It has been 1 month today, at 13.31, that we were told our little girl had passed away just 29mins before the scheduled section. Today I think I feel worse than I did then... it is not getting easier. I know that a month is not a long time, but I can't see that things will ever get easier. I do know that I don't want to stop crying or even feel better at the minute.
We haven't heard anything from the hospital yet about an appointment, and I don't even know why we are going to go to an appointment when I know they will just say that they didn't realise things were as bad as they were.
Everything is a mess.

OP posts:
katierocket · 15/04/2005 13:44

jangus, my heart goes out to you.
It's so awful that you are going through this. I hope you can get some answers and (ulimately) find some peace.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 15/04/2005 13:47

jangus - how completely devastating for you .

Lucycat · 15/04/2005 13:53

jangus, all our love to you and your dh and of course Lille-Mae.

have you contacted SANDS? they may be able to give you some questions to ask at your hospital appointment, so at least you can feel a little prepared. Keep crying it's very natural and there are so many warm and caring people here on MN who can offer support. Take Care

Marina · 15/04/2005 13:58

jangus, have you contacted SANDS ? At this time of day, the Helpline is available, and their staff will understand the hell you are going through at the moment.
Many people do find the follow-up appointment with the hospital helpful, even if they dread it (I certainly did and our loss was very different from yours and with no query over how the hospital handled us).
It could be that the hospital is giving you some space to grieve before calling you in for the appointment.
If you feel strong enough, I would call your consultant's office and find out, though. What you really need is a friend or advocate who can make these calls for you, ask where your notes are relating to Lilli-Mae's birth, and make quite sure that the hospital is not trying to cover anything up. Whereabouts do you live, if you want to say?
I remember all too well the days of crying and crying, but this first, hideous phase of mourning does pass.
You and Lilli-Mae are very much in my thoughts. XXX

huggybear · 15/04/2005 14:16

I am so truly sorry for you loss

Kidstrack2 · 15/04/2005 14:39

I'm so sad to hear your story, and also angry that the doctor hadn't done your c-section earlier. In todays world with all the technology that is used in Maternity units you would think that our babies would be born safe but we keep hearing these stories only too often. Little Lily sounds abousolutely perfect with her red hair and I hope you can get the answers to help towards your healing. My friend four weeks ago had an emergency c-section ater 3 days in labour, she had repeatedly asked if the baby was stressed and was told yes but the baby should be delivered as natural as she was a young and fit healthy woman but the baby was receiving no oxygen and finally they delivered a healthy 7lb baby with severe brain damage and the baby has clinged to life for four weeks. But still the hospital are taking no responsibility!

emmatom · 15/04/2005 14:55

My heart broke reading your message so I can't begin to understand what torment you're going through.

I just hope you can gather strength from knowing so many people are concerned for you.

Thinking of you.

Newbarnsleygirl · 15/04/2005 15:11

Am so so sorry you are going through this Jangus.

{{{hugs to you and your dh}}}

chipmonkey · 15/04/2005 16:06

Jangus {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}, so, so sorry to hear of your loss. Be sure to write down any questions you have for the hospital as it will be difficult to keep your mind focussed. You deserve an honest explanation

Twiga · 15/04/2005 16:18

Jangus so very sorry to read about your loss. From your discription of wee Lilli-Mae, she sounds just beautiful. I'm sorry today has been so hard and that there is someone there with you to give you a hug. Thinking of you and your family, lol x

Twiga · 15/04/2005 16:19

meant to write "hope there is someone with you to give you a hug."

mrsdarcy · 15/04/2005 20:19

Jangus, I'm so sorry about your terrible loss. I lost my daughter last year, albeit in different circumstances (half-way through the pregnancy and no medical negligence). I found SANDS very good when I needed someone to talk to who had some idea what I was going through. A friend gave me a book, "Pregnancy Loss: a silent sorrow" by Ingrid Kohn and Perry-Lynn Moffitt which I also found very comforting.
I wish I could ease the pain you and your husband must be feeling.

Aero · 15/04/2005 20:29

no words can say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter Lilli-Mae but am thinking of you.

marthamoo · 15/04/2005 20:34

Jangus, I am so very, very sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter.

You are in the right place here for someone to listen to you. Some people who, sadly, know exactly what you are going through and some fortunate ones, like me, who can only imagine what you are going through. Keep posting.

Original poster
jangus · 15/04/2005 20:34

I think that you are right...I need to contact SANDS.
After I posted the message earlier, I read it on the screen and wished that I could take it back because it sounded so self pitying, which just made me feel worse and I couldn't even wait to see if anyone was out there watching the board.
I just can't really explain what is going on in my head I feel so lost in it all. I know that the appointment at the hospital won't make me feel any better because I know what he will say...the same as he said at the end of my bed that day... "sorry, we didn't realise and we acted too late." And that didn't make me feel better then nor will it make me feel better to hear it again. That's the thing you see, the only thing that will make this better is to get Lilli-Mae back, and that will not happen on this earth. I'm just going around in circles.

Kidstrack2: I am so sorry for what has happened to your friend's little baby... I really don't know what to say and I know that as her friend your heart is breaking for her. I can't understand why these things happen in this day and age. Is it because there is such a big push on to cut down on c-sections that they are making people wait longer, not realising when it is necessary and therefore taking too many risks? Sorry I'm no comfort to anyone because I'm asking so many questions.
Marina - thanks for the link to SANDS. Even if I had got the message earlier I would have struggled on the phone. Even when I make a real effort to pull myself together, even on the phone to my Mum, all I can manage at times are squeaks.
I really do feel worse now than a month ago.

OP posts:
marthamoo · 15/04/2005 20:58

That's the saddest thing of all Jangus - that this can't be 'fixed' or 'made better'. I don't even think it gets 'easier' with time - I just think you find a way to make it part of your life, to learn to accept that this grief is now a part of you.

I understand what you mean about talking on the phone - though I'm sure that the people who answer the phones at SANDS are used to callers who can't get their words out. Marina et al would know better but I believe there are local branches of SANDS who meet up. Maybe there is one near you? Perhaps it would be easier face to face? I don't know - maybe it is too soon for you to even think of something like that. I can only imagine what you are going through - I know how devastated I was when I miscarried but to lose a baby at such a late stage, for no reason - it's just unbearable.