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Bereavement

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Lost our little girl... why???

282 replies

jangus · 09/04/2005 11:12

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

OP posts:
hermykne · 13/06/2005 09:32

oohh jangus
i didnt realise u live in Derry, i am at the other end of the border, dundalk!
but practically live in newry.
well don for deciding to go back to school, how u get everyday is really amazing.

if u ever need anything and i could help at this end of the province let me know.

Shelly
you will find some lovely people on mumsnet to help you along. i am very sorry for your little loss and no words from me will really help.

jangus · 13/06/2005 10:24

Hi Hermykne: Thanks for the offer of help, it is very much appreciated. It's funny I always assume when on MN that everyone lives across the water. Good to see I'm not alone here. XxX

Shelly: First of all I am so sorry that you lost your little boy (what was his name?) Reading through your post it seems that I can recognise your feelings. When you say that you feel a physcial pain in your heart is exactly the way I feel.
Until we lost Lilli-Mae I never knew what it was to hurt emothionally, not really anyway. Sometimes I can be going about doing something mundane like the ironing or washing dishes and then for no reason the Consultants face comes into my minds eye and he's saying "I am so sorry", and it really does take my breath away and I get the pain as if my heart is being pulled apart. I have tried to explain it to some people before and they nod and agree with me, but I know they don't really understand.
Like you say, unless you have experienced it you don't really know what it is like.
I'm sure that you feel cheated. It is a very cruel thing. When I came home from the hospital I felt empty. I felt empty in my soul, but more cruelly I felt empty in my body, she was missing, the place she had been for nine months was empty and you really do feel hollow. That maybe isn't even usually realised by new Mother's because they have their arms filled with their baby.
On Saturday morning I woke up with the weirdest feeling, I swear I really did feel her elbow moving from one side of my tum to the other, it was so real. I find myself in my quiet moments trying to remember what it was like to feel her inside me, but this was so real. In turn after this happened I had a really bad day.
Like you say somedays you feel strong enough to hold in the tears, even though you want to ball your eyes out and then other days you aren't strong enough to hold them in.
i need to go into school sometime today. At the minute I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs with wet hair trying to think of ways to delay having to go in. Maybe I'll not make it at all today, I don't know.

I would like us to support each other. I agree with what you say about the people who have been in similar situations, they are the ones who can help you greive.

Another lady on here who has suffered greatly recently, but who seems to have endless energy and strength is Bubble.

I'm glad you have having a strong day.
Take care.
XxX J

OP posts:
jangus · 13/06/2005 10:28

shelly, if you would like, please CAT me.
XxX

OP posts:
shelly24 · 13/06/2005 16:43

This is going to sound really silly,but how do i CAT you?haven't done that before? I'm going out to get some fresh air for abit now,have shut myself indoors all day vigoriously tidying up!!Once i start i could't stop,keeps my mind busy. Did you manage to get into school?If you did,well done,its a step,right?.If not theres always another day,do it when your ready...i'm a nursery teacher and the prospect of going back into work and seeing all those little babies and children is pretty daunting to me right now,although i have alittle time yet till i have to try and go back,I'll write bk in alittle while...hugs...shelly.xx

dinosaur · 13/06/2005 16:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Chandra · 13/06/2005 16:54

Shelley, above this page theres a green square with links, select "Contact another talker" and follow the instructions. Mumsnet will forward your message to Jangus. Hope that helps.

Chandra · 13/06/2005 17:02

Ooops. crossposted. BTW. Chocolatepeanut has a thread about her loss, I'm afraid the title is not very explanatory so have not had many posts
Could you have a look at it, probably somebody around here may provide some answers to her questions.

thread's here

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