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Bereavement

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Lost our little girl... why???

282 replies

jangus · 09/04/2005 11:12

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

OP posts:
BROWNY · 09/04/2005 12:31

Jangus, I know when you're in hospital you feel anxious and scared of what will happen to you. Everyone trusts the doctors and consultants to do their job as they are supposed to be the professionals and take the utmost care of us, it's so hard to question qualified people, when really we've only got our own instincts to guide us.

I hope the hospital is planning on changing it's guidelines about fetal monitoring, this should never have happened to you and should never, ever happen again to anyone else.

Have you got to go through the trauma of an inquiry now? I wish you all the strength you need to help you both x

bossykate · 09/04/2005 12:33

i'm so sorry for your loss

berolina · 09/04/2005 12:53

Oh jangus, I'm so so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. She really does sound beautiful. This should not have happened to her and you. God bless and sleep tight, little Lilli-Mae.

Cristina7 · 09/04/2005 12:54

Jangus, I am so, so sorry to read you lost your little Lilli-Mae.

Did you take photos of your daughter? We lost a beautiful, perfect baby at 35 weeks (we never found out why) and the few photos we have of Louis are very dear to us. I found it useful to go to meetings of SANDS (they are once a month in our area) and to read and post at www.babyloss.com. It's now 17 months later for us and we have a 5 week old daughter. Louis's death still hurts.

Please CAT me if you'd like. I am so sorry, you must be so devastated.

whymummy · 09/04/2005 13:07

i'm so sorry jangus

Papillon · 09/04/2005 13:40

My heart goes out to you jangus.(((()))) I hope that one day you can have the baby you so yearn for.

sallystrawberry · 09/04/2005 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Satine · 09/04/2005 14:06

I'm sure everyone reading this must be wishing there was something they could do to help your pain and loss - you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Lilli-Mae sounds absolutely beautiful.

saadia · 09/04/2005 15:22

Jangus, what a terrible thing to happen. I agree with everyone who says that the hospital staff must explain themselves. Although this may go some way towards helping you to come to terms with what has happened, ultimately we all have to accept that many things are beyond our control.

Other than that I cannot begin to fathom what you must be going through. Somehow we do all find the strength to get through sad and painful times, just by looking forward one day at a time. It is very unnatural for parents to have to bury their children, but little Lilli-Mae Christina will live in your heart forever and will always be perfect.

suedonim · 09/04/2005 15:23

I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful Lilli-Mae.

bellababe · 09/04/2005 15:29

Just more support. So sorry.

kid · 09/04/2005 15:40

I'm so sorry to hear of your tragic loss of Lilli-Mae Christina.

bitscared · 09/04/2005 15:50

Jangus, I am so sorry, your daughter sounds beautiful, it is so unfair. Lots of Love

jabberwocky · 09/04/2005 15:59

So, so sorry Jangus. I can only try to imagine what you are going through.

bubble99 · 09/04/2005 18:31

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened jangus. I can truly say that I know what you are going through and I know you are in a dark, dark place at the moment.

Seven weeks ago I went into hospital to be induced with twins. I had two big healthy perfect boys but only one of them survived. One died and the other only just survived because they had been left in distress for eight hours, despite my repeated requests and demands for a C section.

Words seem so inadequate. I feel so, so sorry for you. You went into hospital full of excitement about meeting your baby and tragically had to come home without her. We were so lucky to come home with one of our twins, our sense of loss is profound but we have him and our elder sons to focus us and keep us going. I cannot even begin to imagine how we would have felt if both twins had died.

It is important that you can vent your feelings right now. ..."People have said that I should be pleased she was perfect" No There is probably not a bone in your body which can take comfort from opinions like that. Do not even think about "putting on a brave face" come here and post and get it all out. I have found it so much easier to "talk" to people here on mumsnet than in real life. After it happened I couldn't even think about it without crying my heart out. Speaking face to face with anyone other than my husband was impossible. The words would not come out. I have gained so much from posting here, there are so many lovely people here with a pool of experience, it helps to get so many different views on things. If you want to CAT me then please do. If not, don't be afraid to post anything you're feeling. There will always be one of us around to "listen."

Polina · 09/04/2005 19:33

SO very sorry to hear about Lilli-Mae. She sounds gorgeous.

Everyone's thoughts will be with you. Much love from everyone here.

jollymum · 09/04/2005 19:38

No words, just sending hugs and love to you and your dh. I hope you can talk to each other, he's got to be doubly strong for you and him. Ask all the questions you need to ask, when you feel stronger.

Bubble 99, love and hugs.

jangus · 09/04/2005 19:49

Just logged on again, and I can't believe how many people have been thinking and praying for us. Like I said earlier I know there are no magic words to make it better...but it is comforting to know that there's good, kind and thoughtful people out there.
Cristina7 and Bubble99 I will be in touch.
Thank you all.
jangus xx

OP posts:
tamum · 09/04/2005 19:57

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your little girl. The same thing happened to a friend of mine 6 years ago- she has two little boys now and has, I think, reached some sort of peace. The clinicians involved were very forthcoming and admitted all the shortcomings in the way the birth was handled, and I think that did help a bit. I'm just so sorry.

blueteddy · 09/04/2005 20:25

So sorry to hear of your tragic loss
The same thing happened to my dh's boss & his wife with their first child.
There ds1 was still born at full term & they did not realise anything was wrong until he was born.
They have since gone on to have 3 healthy children.
Thinking of you at this difficult time.xx

Marina · 10/04/2005 19:10

jangus, I'm so sorry to hear about Lilli-Mae's stillbirth. Anchovies suggested SANDS. At Head Office level and at many of the branches this organisation can provide you with a listening ear and good advice on how to make sure you get the appropriate response from the hospital. I found SANDS invaluable, not just after my son Tom was stillborn at 21 weeks in 2002, but when I unexpectedly became pregnant again a couple of months later. You can call on them at any time - it doesn't have to be just after your baby's death.
The other thing that kept me going through a very dark period in my life was the wonderful support I got from Mumsnetters. As Bubble says, you can say and vent whatever you like on here. Sadly, lots of us have experienced miscarriage and stillbirth, but even those of us who haven't are filled with kindness and wisdom, and always seen to know what to say.
I don't know if it gives you any hope at all but we were shattered by Tom's death after waiting some years to conceive him (we have a ds who is five now). We went through such a lot but, just under a year later, we had a dd who is nearly two now. Loving and losing Tom has become a part of who we are as a family...but we have survived his death. You don't forget, or "get over it", in my experience, but good things can and will happen to you both again some day.

cazzybabs · 10/04/2005 19:16
  • i just find it hard to believe this can happen today!
Hulababy · 10/04/2005 19:24

I am so sorry about your loss of Lilli-Mae She souds lovely. Words are not enough

wishingchair · 11/04/2005 09:58

I am so sorry jangus. Lilli-Mae sounds beautiful and I am so sorry she is not with you now in your arms. In my own experience and seeing others go through tragic times like this, to begin with you can't imagine how on earth you will be able to carry on and the fact that life carries on as normal is so hard. But you do get through it. As someone else said, you will never forget Lilli-Mae ... she is a part of your family ... and there will be happy times ahead. Do not blame yourself - of course you said nothing ... I remember being rushed into hospital when pregnant with DD and lying there whilst they took an age to find her heartbeat not daring to speak in case they gave me the answer I was dreading. You put your faith in the professionals and that is what any one of us would do. I am thinking of you xxx

jangus · 11/04/2005 10:05

That's it... I put your faith in the professionals...But, I've ended in my most unimaginable nightmare.
Sorry, I'm feeling really low and lost. I can't believe that tomorrow she would have been 4 weeks old. I just miss her so much and it gives me actually physical pain when I think that she isn't here with us.
My Mum is coming round now as this is my dh first day back at work, I really do need the company. That is another reason why mumsnet seems comforting to me. Thank you all for being so kind.

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