Lost our little girl... why???

[jangus]

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

She has three other healthy, lively children now, but has never forgotten her firstborn.

jangus, if you want, the people at SANDS HQ can give you professional advice on pursuing the hospital. I know what you mean about not necessarily wanting to speak to someone who has had a similar experience yet...I did not contact my local branch for ages, but got basic professional advice from Head Office within days of my stillbirth.
Unfortunately GPs not being informed in cases like this is the norm. When I went to mine, a very jolly lady, to be signed off after a week out of hospital, she roared with laughter at me and said, You've never had the baby already I was distraught and so was she when she realised.
I know at least three other women who have been obliged to go through the whole case history with their GPs themselves because the hospital has not got its act together. It's a disgrace and not what you need.
I'm pleased to hear you have your mum and dad supporting you and Mark right now.

Aloha, since we lost lilli-mae, we have now heard of others going through similar experiences.... but they seem to be "proper" adults... you know, sensible, grown-ups... people like my mum and dad with a world of knowledge and inner strength. and then there's me and mark, its not that we are young (27 and 35) but its just that i feel we are inexperienced in life and then when I hear about other people i feel that as they are "proper" grown-ups then of course they can deal with horrible tragic things. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's hard to explain.
x jangus

oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

I have no practical advice for you, but I can see you are getting that from some of the others who have been in your situation.

Hugs to you and your husband. {X}

I don't think anyone has enough life experience to cope with losing a baby. My friend still thinks about her son and she is now 41 and was 25 when he died. Even though none of her children knew him, he is still part of their family. I don't think anyone could 'cope' better than you are - ie I don't think this is something anyone could 'cope' with at all. You have the right to grieve in any way at all. And I cannot imagine a greater reason for sadness. My heart goes out to you both. And to your lovely daughter to. It's so, so sad. She is a loss to the world.

jangus it doesnt matter how old you are, i was only 17 when i lost my little boy and was treated likea child, never saw, or held him, even now nearly 15 years later, i still fantasise about what he may have looked like, i have nothing to remember him from a part from a blurry scan photo, i was told i was too young to be having a baby and to go away and forget about it. the loss of a baby is indescribable, everything you planned for is suddenly snatched away, I never took any joy really in subsequent pregs because I was scared to get too attached.

That's another thing isn't it...if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again it will be an extremely anxious 9 months. And believe me I was anxious, scared and nervous enough this time around, especially having had an operation on my ovaries and then miscarrying. And the thing is, when I went into hospital I gave the sigh of relief because we'd made it.... boy how much more wrong could I have been? I feel scared even thinking about going back into the care of the professionals who got it sooooo wrong.
I know that being given the opportunity to spend time with Lilli-Mae is something that I will always cherish, and I do know that in days gone by, and not all that long ago, this was not the case... I don't know how I would be coping if I never had my time with her, albeit too short a time.
xxjangus

Spacecadet... I've just realised that you lost your little girl Eve on the same day that we lost Lilli-Mae., I am so very truely sorry for you. I know that things must be very hard for you at the minute. I hope that you are doing OK.
love jangus xx

thankyou jangus, i dont feel i can compare what happened to me with your situation, yes i am heartbroken but didnt go to term, as you said, you breathe a sigh of relief when you get to the labour stage and your little girl was taken from you because of medical imcompetance. when i had dd2 in july i chose to go to a different hospital because i had not been happy with the standard of care where i had previously delivered, i nearly lost dd1 and ds2 because of medical cock ups. i had dd2 at a diff hospital and explained my history, i was well looked after and had a fantastic consultant who induced me early, to avoid another large baby getting stuck, the birth was quick and easy and in stark contrast to my other labours. when the time comes that you do feel ready to become preg again, could you change hospitals? i know you are prob not even thinking about that at the mo, are your family supportive, etc, have you contacted SANDS yet?

jangus. When the head of maternity services 'phoned to tell me the date of the enquiry review I told her that I was contacting the medical records department to get copies of my notes. She photocopied and sent them to me free of charge by recorded delivery. I can't believe your hospital would not do the same thing for you. Can you get someone to deal with this for you? I tried to 'phone the mortuary recently to make sure that the postmortem results had been released and I couldn't speak for crying. You'll need a lot of support to deal with this at the moment.

Bubble, it was the consultants secretary that I spoke to and she just told me that there was a hospital procedure to follow... no special treatment there! I really can't face having to phone again, it's just easier to fill in the form and pay the money. Im so sorry that you had to go through the pain of getting a PM for Bo. I feel at the very least we were spared that as the doctor was able to say what had happened. I hope you are doing OK, I am always thinking about you and yours.

Spacecadet, it has been suggested that I go to another hospital the next time. At the start this seemed like a good idea because the thought of going to back to the same people fills me with fear, but then I thought that maybe although everything was so bad this time maybe next time I would be treated better because they were with me when we lost Lilli-Mae and would fully understand what had happened. However, if I went to another hospital there is a chance that they wouldn't bother reading my history or understanding what really happened this time... and there could be a chance of it happening again.
So, I'm scared to go back to them and I'm scared not to. If I made the decision to go somewhere else and it happened again because they didn't understand what had happened this time, I really wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
...I feel that my thoughts are going in circles and I am getting nowhere.
Hope you are feeling OK. Thinking about you.
Love jangus xx

Another thing... My Dad has suggested that it might be a good idea to go back to work and back into a "normal" routine. I couldn't believe what he was saying because I think it is far too soon, I mean, I can't even go to the shops and I have only seen my family and my one best friend in five weeks .
Should I be thinking about going back to work?????

I think your dad is saying that the only way to get through something like you have been through is to try and get on with life.

No-one expects you to bounce back as if nothing has happened - but often getting back into some sort of routine helps you face life. And deal with your grief.

I can't imagine it helps being at home "alone" when you were expecting to be on maternity leave.

Have you spoken to your employers ? Maybe you could try going back for a morning and see how you cope.

It must be really hard having to face people - but you do have to go through it at some point and putting it off may actually make it harder.

Jangus, just wanted to pop back in to let you know that still thinking about you and your family, lol x

After my daughter was stillborn in Dec I found being at home alone terrible, but when my husband said I should find a job I was heartbroken I was supposed to be looking after my baby.. nothing makes you feel better I think you just need time to grieve, some days i do nothing at all..you are allowed to be sad, you dont need to get back to normal, nothing will ever be normal again, one day the hurt will just be a little less, at the moment you have to live one hour at a time. I know how you feel, beag x

beag - I am sorry but I disagree - things WILL be normal again - albeit a different normal from before your stillbirth - because you have changed.

But however unlikely it seems now - life does go one.

Grief comes out in all sorts of different ways and over a long time - sitting at home alone is not going to make it any easier to cope with.

One step at a time - but you do have to make youself go out and do "normal" things otherwise you will go mad.

throckenholt - maybe its too soon for me too.
Jangus - pls take no notice of me...i was only saying how i feel. sorry
i thought this websit was going to help ne through the next few months, i am not so sure so i will bow out..

Jangus, Beag both of you. so sorry for your losses. can't imagine how it could feel but thinking of you. things will get better of course but very raw at the moment. mucho huggs

Hi - I have thought long and hard about this post - I have never put anything like this on before.

Anyway, we lost our first daughter 13.5 years ago. Yes, it was so hard. There was a slight hospital cockup because I should have been stictched and wasn't, but the real problems and trauma started when it was obvious that the baby would be born and there were no beds for her in special car, so I had a journey around the countryside. This hospital I eventually went to was awful, not the surgeons, but the midwife that was assigned to me after she had died. She was apparently a Bank midwife and to cut a very long story short forgot about me as I was in a "room out of the way". Anyway, within 2 months I was pregnant again and went back to the original hospital - who treated me fantastically, because THEY DID KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED - my daughter was just before the anniversay of the birth and death of our first daughter - this helped us but maybe not everyone.

My son was then born 17 months later (he was a 30weeker - went through hell when I knew he was on the way!! scared stiff) but again hospital was fantastic in dealing with everything.

As I said 13.5 years laters now, yes I still think about her and wonder, but after the first year it does get easier, but you NEVER forget, the saddest day is always her birthday which is also the day she died. We have her burried locally but also a tree and area in our garden in her memory.

I hate beeing pregnant and that was it for me thank you very much.

I don't know if this has helped atall, but I do know just how devastated you are and my heart goes out to you and just try and hold - it will get better.

beag - I wasn't being mean - just trying to help. From my personal experience of grief it really does take a long time to get used to it and stopping your life in the meantime makes it worse.

I'm not pushing you to do anything you really don't want to - just saying that it is worth trying things - they may help more than you expect them to.

Ignore me if you like - but keep using mumsnet if you think it will help - it is always useful to get other opinions - even if you choose to ignore them

Also, I actually went back to work after 3 weeks, I didn't want to be at home on my own - because I shouldn't have been on my own.

Having people around me helped - not sure I always did alot for them though, but colleagues were great.

this thread really makes me cry it brings back so many memories, ones I think are faded with the years , but then they rear their ugly head again, beag, you are still grieving for your baby, everyone is different in the time it takes to start living again, but its not something that can be rushed, I went back to college just 2 months after losing sam, same time as I found out I was preg again, I wasnt ready really, I passed my exams with flying colours, but spent many a time with my college counseller howling about my lost baby, felt guilty too about being preg again and worried myself to death about losing her, her delivery was a bodge up and she nearly died, that was horrendous, thankgod shes ok, shes 13 and stroppy, thinks I dont care about her!!! if only she knew how special she is. jangus, Im disgusted at the way you are being treated, you shouldnt have to pay to get yopur medical notes, is there anyone that can help you investigate things?? a third party that wont be so emmotionally involved?? As for changing hospitals, I guess itsa case of cross that bridge when you come to it. I chose to go to a diff hospital with dd2 beacuse my previous hospital is where sam died, I had a bodged delivery with dd1 which nearly resulted in her death and the same with ds2, they did read my notes, they sent off for them and looked after me really well. thre consultant agreed to my request for an induction at 38 weeks too as all my babies have been big, ds2 was 9.7lbs(induced beacuse he stopped moving) had the cord round his neck twice and his shoulders got stuck, he stopped breathing and had to rushed to scbu.I was well monitored because I also have a thyroid condition and was able to self refer myself to day assesment if ever I was worried, I chose to go the same hospital again for my recent preg but sadly a diff outcome. however I cant fault their care at all. when dd2 was born, they even let me stay in for 2 nights!! despite her being my 4th( I wanted the rest!!)

btw when I lost sam I went to stay with a friend, I couldnt bear to be on my own, didnt want to do anything, just wanted company, jangus are you on your own at home??

The thing about going back to my job is that I'm a teacher... and that means that I have to be ready to go back and face 900 pupils and 57 teachers, there is no opportunity to go back and take it easy or hide and no allowances will be made for me, if i go back to work then I'm back in at the deep end... and at the minute I don't think I'm ready for that much responsibility...

Pindy, from your experience of going back to the original hospital, do you think that it made you more anxious... or do you think that you were going to have a very stressful pregnancy anyway. I know that it is a long way in the future for me to be thinking about this, but i want to know how I will respond when I have my appointment in the hospital and they ask me about future pregnancies. The midwifes have said that the next time I will get treated as if I was a private patient...but I don't think that is what I need to hear, I feel they are kind of saying I wouldn't have lost my daughter if I'd gone private this time.

Beag, at the minute I would agree and say I feel nothing will ever be "normal" again... I've been told that the pain never lessens, it's just that you learn to deal with it in your everyday life. But, what is normal, I also know that if I'd come home with Lilli-Mae my life would also have changed... just in a very different way. Please keep posting on mumsnet... this is a very difficult time for you and this is a great place to get support. Things must still be very raw for you as it has only been a few months, it's every early days for us... Take care.
xxxjangus

Yeah, I'm here on my own. Lots of people offering to come in, but I put them off. Only ready to see my family and my best friend.
I did go with my friend this morning to the garden centre and bought a lovely potted plant with white flowers for Lilli-Mae's grave. I'm going to go there with my Mum this afternoon. That's the thing you see, I will make myself do things if they involve Lilli-Mae...