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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Lost our little girl... why???

282 replies

jangus · 09/04/2005 11:12

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/05/2005 16:46

Jangus
Is there any way a friend or relative or agent can forewarn people? It is early days, and you can't help how you feel.

Aw, you poor dear! Our hearts just ache for you.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2005 16:47

How about renting for a bit, jangus? Just for a wee while.

jangus · 17/05/2005 16:54

renting at the mo.... that's why we feel it's time to move on and focus on something else, we might just buy a wee house to do us for a couple of years rather than waiting for our dream house to come along.
Thanks bundle, we might do that if we go out looking again. It's really nice that your friend has you to talk to about her little boy, I know that I love talking about Lilli-Mae and I want people to be interested in her. That's why Mumsnet is helping me at the moment.
xx

OP posts:
jangus · 17/05/2005 17:00

Raka.... Thanks for sparing a wee place in your heart for Lilli-Mae.
You really are a good friend.
With much love
J xx

OP posts:
bundle · 17/05/2005 17:00

aw jangus, i'm glad it's of some help. our nursery is pretty hot on confidentiality which is why no one had told me about her son's death, but on this occasion i felt it would have helped me to approach her in a less feet first, clumsy way. but i also know from other mums on here who've lost children that other friends/relatives do avoid people because they simply don't know what to say or feel uncomfortable. you sound like you need a nice treat, why not spoil yourself a bit?? xxx

jangus · 17/05/2005 17:05

We did spoil ourselves a wee bit last week. We decided to get away from it all and go and stay with my brother in London.... but ended up coming home even more exhausted!!
It did help me though. I had to get over my crazy 'still pregnant' thing, so they made sure that I went out and had a few wee(!) drinks. We went to see Thirteen Senses on the Saturday night and they were really good. But the whole time there I had this niggling at the back of my head telling me that we shouldn't have been there, we should have been at home looking after our wee girl. So, it was kind of a bitter sweet break.

OP posts:
jangus · 17/05/2005 17:07

reading through that last post I've realised I use the word "wee" far too much!!

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bundle · 17/05/2005 17:08

that sounds lovely. but it's still early days, so don't run before you can walk, xxx

flum · 17/05/2005 17:11

I loved the analogy further down this thread about the different rooms. You are still in Lilli-Maes room with her now. You stepped out for a moment at the weekend and that must have been really strange for you. But now you are back and sometime soon you will be able to step out again for something. But you can always go back to her.

Wee wee wee. you must be Scortish eh?

jangus · 17/05/2005 17:24

With a surname like Angus!!!

Hubby is (FACT) an Aberdeen Angus

Me.... I'm a 'wee' Norn Iron cuttie (translates: Northern Ireland girl)

OP posts:
bubble99 · 17/05/2005 23:35

Hi my jangus. Crap mate bubble here. Are you still talking to me?

Marina · 18/05/2005 14:12

jangus, I got your mail yesterday and tried to reply to the return addy and it got bounced
MNHQ got the same response.
Just to let you know that your CAT got through and I did try to reply.
Missed your posts yesterday pm, just to add to the chorus that says, of course you are a mum - to one of the loveliest baby girls I've ever seen.
Talk to us as much as you want about Lilli-Mae. I still talk with my best friend about her son, who died after being ill all his very short life and who would have been nine in September. We are pretty much the only people who still remember Andrew and all the love which surrounded him. There was no Mumsnet for her - I hope it helps you as much as it did me. XXX

expatinscotland · 18/05/2005 14:32

Jangus
Thinking of you and hope you are getting on okay today.

Mumfun · 19/05/2005 21:23

Hi Jangus

I didnt see any of your messages before. So sorry for all your troubles. Please dont rush back to work or buy a house if you dont feel its right. Do take your time to do whats important to you right now.

I was going to offer to make any of the calls you need but think maybe you dont need that now. Im also from Norn Iron but living away. Think I can understand stuff re the hospital situation there - think you would be best to go back to same hospital if you feel you could.

Will drop by to see how youre doing. Can none of your family connections put pressure on that builder if you would feel able to still go for that house?

Take care - thinking of you

MF

dinosaur · 20/05/2005 16:37

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

jangus · 24/05/2005 12:59

dinosaur: I'm OK, I suppose. Went to the doc yesterday but he just said that I had to follow the wave of grief... it is still very early days (only 10weeks today). My maternity leave finishes on the 10th June but I have been signed off work sick until the end of June. I have talked to my head of department and she says that I will get lots of support if I decide to go in some days before the end of term. Even though I really don't want to and I feel sick at the thought of it I know that it is the best thing to do.
Anyway, i hope you are well.
xxj

Mumfun: Good to hear from someone else from Norn Iron. I know that things are different over here in relation to hospitals and doctors etc. Even after everything that has happened I feel that we need to go back and see him again because he is a very good man and he did not want this to happen to us. But, sometimes I feel really angry about what happened and the decisions they made. It just seems to come in waves... sometimes it is very unexpected and I am getting on with something and then my mind suddenly goes to what has happened and I feel it like a stab in the chest... actual physical pain. As for the builder the less said the better, we just can't afford another 56K. We are looking for another house. Mark says that it is for the best and it is keeping our minds on something else, but it is so very stressful.
It was good to talk to you. Thanks for your post.
xxJangus

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bubble99 · 25/05/2005 11:04

How are you today jangus? XX

dinosaur · 25/05/2005 11:16

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jangus · 25/05/2005 12:22

Thanks dinosaur... that comment rings true. The pain of losing Lilli-Mae is exactly the same as I felt that terrible day, but it seems that in time you are able to deal with the pain better. But, our lives are now completely different to what they were, or to what they would have been, if she was here with us. At times (very few at the moment) I feel that I can cope with this change and then other times I feel I can't. You are very kind to be thinking of us.

Bubble, I'm alright. Hope you are OK.
I seem to be on MN during the day and not able to get on at night at the mo. We will catch up soon.
xxxj

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jangus · 04/06/2005 00:38

Just wanted to say that I took a big step today. I went to school.
I didn't walk down the corridor or see anyone but my closest 3 friends, instead my friend picked me up from home and we sneaked in a side door and sat in her classroom when the pupils were in an exam.
At least I made it into the building and didn't throw up.
I think I will go back to work from the 13th June. I won't be going in to teach, because they are covering my classes, but I will aim for that date to go in and meet people and get organised for next year.
Now that really scares me.
I can't believe that it has been almost 12 weeks since we lost Lilli-Mae.
I still feel rotten and I miss her so much, but early days yet.
I just wish she was here with us, like she should be.
xxx

OP posts:
mrsdarcy · 04/06/2005 01:57

Good for you Jangus. That sounds like a really good way of handling your return to school.
12 weeks is no time when you are so heartbroken

Mumfun · 04/06/2005 10:00

Hi Jangus

Was thinking of you - thanks for keeping us updated.

Sounds good to go into school like that - glad friends are being supportive.

As MD says -12 weeks is no time.

Glad you could come back and talk and hope to hear from you further

MF

dinosaur · 04/06/2005 10:19

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jangus · 08/06/2005 23:46

dinosaur: Donegal isn't too far from me.
We go to Muff (!!!) every Sunday to fill up with petrol (cheaper).
What on earth did we do to you to make you move away?

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shelly24 · 13/06/2005 09:19

Dear jangus,so sorry for your loss.x i have been given your thread to read from janh,as I have recently lost my son at 33wks ,he was stillborn 4wks ago and i have never felt this kind of pain or grief before!.x only yesterday i was having quite a good day(rare at the moment!)and i thought i was doing ok,and then in the evening I was thinking back to his birth and i couldn't stop crying!I get hysterical sometimes and have a physical pain in my heart where i miss him soo much and can't understand 'why me?',everyone else can cope with having a baby,why did mine have to die? People are never sure what to say to you either,i mean,what is there to say?,unless you've experienced it you will never know the pain or emptiness you feel,but do take comfort from peoples kind words,and there are people out there that have experienced a similar situation,and they are the ones who can help you grieve(like me ) If you ever need a chat or just want to blast your emotions on the page,thats fine,don't hold it in,let others know how you feel,and talk about your little girl,your still her mummy..shes still your little girl,nothing will ever take that away.xx
I'm having a strong day today,others aren't so good,but you go through that,and its ok.x
If you want to chat to me and we can share our experiences,that would be lovely,let me know,and take good care of yourself.xx

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