Lost our little girl... why???

[jangus]

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

jangus, the pain never goes just gets easier to deal with.I dont think you are ready to go back to work at all 5 weeks is not long enough to come to terms with this. can someone keep you company in the day, perhaps go for a little walk etc, have you seen your gp at all as you are obviously desperately grieving for your little girl..i dont know what else to say..i cant take your pain away and feel so useless

ah posts crossed, well if perhaps your mum and best freind can be with you thats good, theres nothing wrong in doing things that involve lilli-mae.

Jangus, I felt anxious the whole pregnancy (second) - I always thought I would love being pregnant but after the first experience I hated it, but come the end of the day I still wanted a baby. I didn't feel anxious about going back to the same hospital because they monitored me very closely all the way through and I always saw the consultant and usually the same midwives, one very special lady inparticular. I felt that they wouldn't let it happen again (maybe that sounds a bit naive but you have to believe in something).

I totally understand why you are not ready to go back to work, facing that lot in normal circumstances must be hard! Take as long as you need, but it is important to see people. One of the worst type of experience that I had was when friends used to cross the road rather than speak to me. Yes all I may have done was cry - but that is not wrong, it was great when someone either touched my arm or gave me a hug and "sorry" - that said it all, it showed they cared and put me before them.

No-one can take away the pain.
I went in to see a doctor, but he just said that this was the way I was grieving and that these things take time etc. I got the impression he thought I was automatically looking for anti-depressants because that was what he started talking about as soon as I walked in. And I really don't want to go down that route, I just wanted him to listen. My Mum is very good to me and when Mark is at work she looks after me, phoning and asking me to go to her house, it's just that at times I want to be on my own so that I don't have to make conversation etc. and I can spend all my time thinking about Lilli-Mae. Not sure if it helps, but it's what I want to do. Spacecadet you are being very kind listening to me, especially when you are hurting at the minute too.

I can understand why you don't feel ready to face so many people at work.

Do you think you will be able to face that in the future ? Have you thought about talking to the headmistress and seeing if you could go part-time for a while.

If you don't think you can face that maybe you could do some voluntary work for a while. Or maybe just some fresh air and exercise.

I think it is not very good to be at home going over what has happened all the time - your mind needs to be occupied by something else (even something mundane) to give it time to heal and get over what has happened. It is almost like once you can give yourself space not to think about it for a while (even an hour or two here and there) then your subconscious mind gets to work on healing.

Are you having any counselling ? Have you been in touch with SANDS ?

I have no idea how it works - are you on maternity leave now ? Or are you on long-term sick leave, or something else ? Will there be any pressure for you to return to work soon ?

I know I am lucky to have caring friends, and they have all asked to see me, and I turn them away. I will see them soon. Thanks folks. I'm going to head to my Mums.
I hope you all have a nice afternoon.
love jangus xxx

I agree it's too soon to go back to school, you need to be strong to be a teacher and you aren't likely to be for a good while yet. I had a close friend who had a miscarriage and the kids were just foul - they can be cruel.

We're all thinking about you and your family. keep posting, we're here to talk xxx

just to reply to throckenholt.
At the mintue my maternity still stands. i had planned to go back for the 3 days of term in June, and at the minute i think i will stick to the plan.
The stress of teaching Chemistry to 11-18 year olds is bad enough at the best of times, but I really do love and miss my job.
Part of the problem is that I'm not ready for taking on the responsibilty of 26 young people in a classroom with bunsen burners and chemicals... I think I would fall to pieces. Unfortunately, like I said, if i go back to work then I'm back and work and there will be no allowances made for me.
x j

I can see that would be too mentally demanding at the moment.

Hope you work out something that suits you.

But be nice to yourself - grief is a very odd thing and hits you at the oddest times. You really dont know what you can and can't cope with until you try.

Having a good cry often helps clear the air.

Thought a long while before posting here, as I can't pretend to have had any relevant experience. Jangus, I can't even imagine what you are going through.

I think, as others have suggested, you need to talk to someone outside your situation - be that someone from Sands, a bereavement counsellor, a vicar or whoever. You've been through the most awful experience, and you can't and shouldn't be expected to just "get over" it on your own. 5 weeks is such a short time to be thinking about moving forward, making decisions about work etc.

I hope you get some help, and have found some help here. If you can't face phoning anyone at Sands, perhaps you could e-mail them on [email protected], or e-mail them and ask them to call you?

Thinking of you.

I was offered anti-ds when I lost sam, I threw them in the bin, they werent the answer, I didnt feel that grief warranted ant-ds, the greiving process is a progressive one and one I felt I had to work through in my own time, same with my recent loss of eve. Admittedly after I lost sam there were many days when I didnt want to wake up in the morning because as soon as I did and remembered what had happened I wished I was dead, I know that sounds awful, i cant ever remember when the time came that it got easier and I wasnt completely immersed in thinking about him all the time, prob was when my dd1 was born then I remember feeling very guilty about that. Jangus I still put my hands on my tummy in the morning because for a split second I forget that my bump isnt there, and when I remember I feel so low, I only carried her for 16 weeks but they were 16 weeks that I loved her.you are not going to get over this overnight, in fact you dont get over it as it were, you just learn to live with it day by day, if it helps to do things that you associate with liili-mae then do them, its all part of the process, I didnt have any counselling for my stillbirth, it wasnt offered and in fact 11 years later when I had ds2 I somehow cracked and all those years of hurt and despair came tumbling out in the form of obsessiveness over ds, never letting anyone near him, becoming paranoid that something dreadful would happen to him, especially as he nearly died at birth, I was even convinced that my dh was going to shake him and wouldnt let anyone even hold him, I ended up having physcoanalysis counselling and finally laid my little boys ghost to rest and felt I could move on. when you are ready, seek counselling either from SANDS or another scource, dont leave it as long I did and I hope that you can also push for an investigation from the hospital too, you will need plenty of support with this, both of you.{{{hugs}}}sorry for my long ramble!

Thanks SC.
I know that I am not wanting to move on at the moment... I won't drink alcohol or eat the things they say you shouldn't when pregnant, because although I know I'm not pregnant now... I still don't want to really admit it. It's weird, and I know that Mark finds it hard to understand how I can say things but yet in my head I can't let go... it is really hard to explain.
xxjangus

jangus I have not a single useful thing to say, but I have been thinking of you a lot

take care

dinosaur

no its not weird, its perfectly understandable, in factwhen I lost sam I almost went into denial about the fact that he had been stillborn and tried to convince my self I was still preg, no one would expect you to be ready to move on after just 5 weeks
Spacecadet x

Hi jangus - hope you are doing ok. I've been thinking a lot about you. I see there is a lot of talk about going back to work and the problems because you're a teacher. I lost my baby half way through my pg so no where near as incredibly traumatic as what you're going through ... but I did find that facing up to life - when I felt ready - helped me a lot. Think the important thing is when you feel ready and that doesn't sound like just yet. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing ... SIL was a lab assistant at a school and she had to have emergency brain surgery that has left her with short term memory problems and the school has been fantastic in giving her light duties and allowing her to work reduced hours etc. So when you feel ready, if you talk to them you may be able to go back to work for a few hours in a behind-the-scenes role, until you feel ready to start teaching again. I am sure they will be incredibly understanding and will do whatever it takes to help you through this. Lots of love

Jangus - just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. x

Hugs to you and your little one. Sorry I do not know what else to say.

Jangus and dh - just wanted to tell you that you are very much in my thoughts and I hope you and your dh are getting all the love and support you need xx

thanks browny,
we have just been sitting writing out a list of questions...we have the meeting with the consultant on Thursday.
I am absolutely dreading it. We know that they can't answer any of our questions with what we want to hear. At the end of the day, they can't bring Lilli-Mae back.

jangus, you still need answers, naturally the hospital will not automatically admit they were in the wrong, if thats the case, but you musnt let them sweep you under the carpet.sending love and hugs.

Hi jangus

I'l be glad to help you with this, just email. The most important thing is to get your questions down on paper and stick to them. We found that a lot of the discussion covered the questions anyway but they'll be looking to hear your views and should then go away and get answers to any unanswered questions. The consultant and senior midwife at our enquiry were both in tears at several stages during our meeting. We kept in mind that these people did not set out to kill our child, in fact, these people were not even there when it happened. I'm very aware though that in our case the senior midwife did not prevent the essential and potentially life saving role of senior midwife/bleep holder being dropped two years ago. Do we blame her or the trust execs. who were trying to save money at the expense of our childs life?

Sorry jangus, this sounds so self-indulgent. Bit preoccupied at the moment. We've stored up so much anger and hostility to the people involved in Bo's death, ultimately we realised that these feelings would chew us up and would not bring him back. Rest assured that they know what they did to Lilli-Mae. They will have seen her in their dreams as you do. We, or I really, Mr Bubble has no strength left to fight, are determined to make sure that it can't happen again. My son is dead but I can/will take some comfort from that.

Be strong, say what you have to say and insist on further meetings to make sure you get your answers.

we have been writing out some questions, but I find it so draining... never mind actually talking with him on Thursday.
We are totally dreading it. Having to go over the terrible events again with the man who made the decision to wait another hour, seems unbearable.
I just want what I can't have.

oh jangus, thinking about you, xxxx

Me too ... I just want to be able to make it all better for you and I can't. Sending you love and the strength to get through it on Thursday. xxx

folks... im going to try and put a picture of lilli-mae on the members profile.
have a wee look in a minute.