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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost our little girl... why???

282 replies

jangus · 09/04/2005 11:12

I'm new to this. On the 14th March I went in to be induced at 9days over, they told me I was the least favourable to go into labour out of the three of us that arrived and I was given a pessary. After an hour they put a monitor and after a while noticed blips with the baby?s heartbeat and I was having regular contractions. I stayed on the monitor for a couple of hours and was then moved through to the labour ward. When I got there they decided that because I was not dilated at all and they couldn?t break my waters I would have to go for a section, so I was prepped. I was given an inhaler to stop the contractions and then a doctor came said that he would leave us for another hour and see if things settled down. he came back said things looked better and I was taken back to the other ward. I was left from about 10pm that night and no one looked near me until 10am the next morning because the doc on duty was called to theatre. When I was put on the monitor the baby?s heart rate was sitting around 150 (the previous day it was 140). I was examined at about 11.45am and told that nothing had changed but there were still dips in the baby?s heartbeat all morning. At 12.10 I was told that I was going through to the labour ward and told to phone my husband. At 12.30 there were a couple of big dips and my notes were taken to the doc and he sent back word that I would have a section at 2pm. At 1pm there was a big dip and the doc was sent for, he came in, looked at the scan and said that the section would still be a 2pm as the baby had recovered from the dip. At 1.31pm her little heart stopped. They said sorry and we are left totally devastated and lost without her..... How can we recover from this?

OP posts:

LGJ · 06/05/2005 10:01

Oh sweetheart

I don't know what to say, there has to be some consolation in his angst, at least he wasn't stonewalling you the way they tried to stone wall Bubble.

How is Mark ??

I couldn't stop thinking about you both yesterday, not much help I know, there is always someone here if you need to vent.

dinosaur · 06/05/2005 10:01

Jangus, I think you and your DH have been really brave to have got through yesterday. No wonder you feel drained.

Can DH take some time off work? Perhaps take you away for a week or two somewhere where the climate is a bit dryer and warmer?

I think of you all the time at the moment, not that that's much help I know.

Marina · 06/05/2005 10:03

We were all thinking of you, jangus.
He sounds like an honest, decent man at least.
I told dh about you all last night and we were both in tears. XXX

Frizbe · 06/05/2005 10:06

Oh Jangus, no words, just big hugs

Original poster

jangus · 06/05/2005 10:10

He is honest and decent. He didn't have to tell us the things that he did. He took the whole thing very personally, and he really is so so sorry. He actually delivered my wee brother (now 25) and has known my parents a long long time. He knows that he can't give us Lilli-Mae back, and he knows that she should be here with us.

This is for another thread, but more heartache.
Last July Mark and I signed up for a house knowing that it wasn't going tobe built until this year. The house will be ready in July/August but the builder (a so called family friend) told us before we went to the hospital yesterday that he has decided to put the house up be £56,000 yes thats 56K. So yet another thing bites the dust. We signed for the house 3 weeks after finding out we were pregnant, and that was always Mark's "wee baby" and I had mine... or that was the standing joke at the time.
Life is shit.

OP posts:

BROWNY · 06/05/2005 10:10

Oh Jangus, I'm so sorry that you both had to sit through that meeting yesterday and hear nothing to help you cope with your loss. I was thinking about you yesterday, hoping that you could get some answers - I don't know how you'd feel about him looking after you again - although I know he would be extra vigiliant - just as he should have been before . I wish we all could be with you, just to put an arm around you and look after you both - please take care of yourselves, with love xxx

Spacecadet · 06/05/2005 10:11

jangus, read your post blubbing as per usual, the consultant obviuosly realised hismistake and it soundslike he is paying for it too, not in the same way that you and dh are but i think he will always be haunted by his mistake, i dont know what else to say, you and dh must be exhausted, it must be cold comfort to be told that your baby could have been saved..{{{hugs}}}

Spacecadet · 06/05/2005 10:13

tbh, i think if he were your consultant again, i really do think youn would get expert care from him, hisdreams will be haunted with lilli-mae and he will never want to see that happen again.

Original poster

jangus · 06/05/2005 10:15

I believe that he does think about what happened a lot. He started one sentence "every morning..." and then stopped and started talking again about hindsight etc. He said "You came in with a healthy baby, you should have been going home with your healthy baby".

OP posts:

LGJ · 06/05/2005 10:16

Personally, I would go with him again, he sounds like a decent honest man.

Marina · 06/05/2005 10:17

Although there was no medical negligence, my consultant for my stillbirth aftercare was very keen to take a personal interest in my subsequent pregnancy and I was made to feel really special by a lot of the team in the end...sonographers, ward and theatre staff etc. Spacecadet is right. When the time comes and if you feel you want it, he will give you the best of care from the sound of things.
jangus, that builder is beneath contempt. I am sitting here appalled for you and Mark. I am so sorry.

Original poster

jangus · 06/05/2005 10:20

I think that we have to go with him again. If we went somewhere else they would not be able to appreciate what had happened because they weren't there and it is not the same reading it on paper.

He knows that we will beside ourselves.... it's not as if we would get to the point we got to the last time and then breathe a sigh of relieve like we did this time because of the previous miscarriage. He knows that we will be so anxious and he also knows that we will get little, if any, comfort from the advice of 'professionals', but at least he would understand why.

OP posts:

dinosaur · 06/05/2005 10:21

Jangus he does sound like a very good man.

Can't say the same about the sodding builder though. What a kick in the teeth for you .

dinosaur · 06/05/2005 10:24

I'm sure they will bend over backwards to do everything to help you.

My DS1 only just made it - his heart slowed right down to 40 bpm, he didn't breathe and he had to have three adrenalin shots, the final one directly into his heart, to get him going. He was out for about 12 minutes. When I was pregnant again with DS2 the consultant at the hospital was really good, and I was offered an elective section if I wanted one, plus having a paediatrician at the delivery, plus having two midwives at the delivery. Sounds as if your consultant would be similarly good.

Marina · 06/05/2005 10:30

He will also ensure that everyone involved in your care is aware what happened to Lilli-Mae. Your file will be marked so you don't have to explain to anyone yourselves. You will all be deservedly red-carpeted. You will get all the scans you feel you need for reassurance.
We had no less than 12 people drop by after dd was born to have a little cry with us and give her a cuddle.

Spacecadet · 06/05/2005 10:47

your builder is a **&^$££"""" is he allowed to do that?

mrsdarcy · 06/05/2005 13:19

I was thinking of you, Mark and Lilli-Mae all day yesterday, and feeling so badly for you. I'm glad the consultant was honest with you.

SANDS produces stickers which you can put on your ante-natal notes in any future pregnancy, with the date of death and name of your lost baby. It means that everyone who sees your notes (from receptionists onwards) knows to be gentle with you.
x

sallycinnamon · 06/05/2005 20:23

I've spent 30 minutes reading all 200 odd posts on here. I tend to read rather than post very often on MN but I have never been so affected and saddened by anything like I have with your story. Words fail me. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through although when you write you are so honest, open and brave it is humbling. Keep using MN it seems that there are many (too many) who can understand what you are going through and can help and advise. My thoughts are with you and your man. xx

Newbarnsleygirl · 06/05/2005 20:29

So so sorry Jangus

I wish you and your dh all the best for your future.

hunkermunker · 06/05/2005 20:40

Thought of you all day yesterday, Jangus No words, but much love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

bubble99 · 07/05/2005 00:14

Hi jangus

This is a very floury post as I've been attempting to make a birthday cake this evening. Not a success I'm afraid. Cooking I can do but baking isn't my thing. I've ended up with a chocolate doorstop.

Anyway, I wish you were here so that I could give you a great big floury hug. I thought of you a lot yesterday.

I'm so relieved that you didn't encounter any defensiveness. I can tell that you were moved by the man's obvious sadness, it won't bring Lilli-Mae back but realising that he felt such a profound sense of loss shows that humanity shines in the darkest of places.

I realised fairly quickly that I had two options. I could try to forgive those who had failed Bo and destroyed his future or I could continue to rage and ultimately lose any chance of peace of mind. We'll never forget Bo. His ashes are on top of our tall 'fridge in the kitchen, I like him being there as the kitchen is the centre of our lives and I feel he's part of it, close to us and watching his brothers fight over the crappy toy in the cereal box. All the things he should have grown up to do.

I'm now teary and floury. I hope in time you'll be able to move on. When Bo died someone posted beautifully about how grief is like a succession of rooms. At the moment you're in a room with Lill-Mae all the time, you need to be with her. In time you'll be able to spend short periods away from that room and gradually you'll spend less time there. You'll keep going back from time to time, but you'll know that when you need to you can always be with her. I haven't said that as eloquently as it was told to me but I hope it might help you in some way. The agony does ease. I now find I have long periods in the day when I don't think about Bo and I sometimes feel guilty about that, as If I'm forgetting him. Often and without warning his little face flashes into my mind and I'm a wreck again but it's happening less often with each day that passes and I know that the day will come when I'll be able to look at the little box with his hair and handprints and stay sane.

Thinking of you, Mark and Lilli-Mae.

BubbleXXX

hub2dee · 07/05/2005 00:25

Thinking of both you, bubble, and jangus... even if I've been a bit quiet.

Bub: If you do any nursery opening thingy soon, would love to say hi and have an excuse to buy some tropical plants from the Palm Centre.

marthamoo · 07/05/2005 00:25

jangus, bubble - still have no words but I am thinking of you both with love.

Spacecadet · 07/05/2005 17:14

bubble your post was so well written, you else can i say? jangus, what bubble wrote is so right. xx

Spacecadet · 07/05/2005 17:16

bubble, even 15 years on i still break down when i talk of sam, but my life is dominated anymore by thinking about it 24/7 IYSWIM, i hope that you and jangus can reach that stage too, you never, ever forget though, and i cherish the memory of the 26 weeks i carried sam, he was and always will be my firstborn.

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