Dear Jangus,
I am so very sad to read your post. All of my condolences on the death of your little girl. In April, 2001, we lost our little boy, Cameron at 38 weeks. I had gone in on the 18th for a regular appointment with the consultant. I had monitoring done and a growth scan and all was fine, but I was having erratic contraction since the Monday, and knew from previous children, that the heart rate is supposed to increase with a contraction, not decrease and his was dipping down to 128 after. I enquired with the head midwife, who assured me all was well. I begged the consultant to keep me in and either induce me or do a section and she refused and sent me home "and if you don't go by Monday, we'll have you back". He died that night while I was sleeping. The next day 19th, I woke with the feeling that something was wrong, and by 11am hadn't had any movements, so I called the 'emergency' midwife, who gave me some rubbish advice. After speaking to my regular midwife, I was told to call the hospital. NO ONE seemed overly concerned that 1.I had no movements and 2. that I had a gush of bloody waters. Within an hour of being at hospital, we were told he had died. When they examined me (already dilated) my waters went fully and full labour started. Ten hours later he was born still. Beautiful, beautiful boy.
Now, I'm four years on, and two more children later and while you don't ever "get over" the loss of your child, you do learn to live with it, and eventually, life goes forward. You are so early in your grief, so please don't push yourself. Take things one day at a time and do whatever it is to help you get through each one. Often it is four steps forward and three back.
Please take care and contact me if you like.
Karen x