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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Just found out that my Dad has inoperable lung cancer - how will we cope?

206 replies

LilRedWG · 23/12/2008 15:58

Can't type much now as I'm so upset but I need to get it out of my head onto paper. DH is being a star as is DD (2.6) who keeps giving me her teddies to "help".

I feel numb and sick and I'm not ready to lose my Daddy. He's in hospital until they can sort out care at home and Mac nurses. I haven't spoken to him yet. My sister told me and I've phoned my mum. I'm going to visit him tomorrow.

I can't believe this - I can't lose my dad.

OP posts:

Report

LilRedWG · 24/12/2008 17:32

Nab, that sounds very peaceful. I hope it is like that for my Dad.

We saw Dad today - he is so strong and just told to me not to get upset as it won't change anything.

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SnowOfHands · 24/12/2008 17:42

I'm sorry LilRedWG. I cannot imagine for one moment what you must be feeling.

I will think of you and your Dad tomorrow morning.

I hope you have a merry Christmas and make some wonderful memories.

TequilaMockinBird · 24/12/2008 17:46

So sorry LilRedWG, my Dad died of lung cancer 5 years ago

Will say a prayer for you and your dad tonight.

God bless xx

LilRedWG · 24/12/2008 17:49

Thanks both. SOH - we are planning on having a very merry Christmas!

Dad is allowed home for the day tomorrow so we will be going over to visit. It's also his birthday, so will be lovely!

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misscathcart · 24/12/2008 18:15

LilRed, I'm so sorry to hear this. You'll be in my thoughts.

LilRedWG · 24/12/2008 18:33

Lovely to see you again MissCC - I've missed you around here.

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Hulababy · 24/12/2008 19:05

I am so sorry

misscathcart · 24/12/2008 20:22

Thank you red
tis nice to be back.

LilRedWG · 24/12/2008 20:55

Today hasn't been too bad. I've kept busy and tried to live for the moment. Getting a bit low now so I'm off for a bath and then we'll sneak DD's stocking into her room.

Thank you all for 'listening' to me.

Merry Christmas. x

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onlyjoking9329 · 25/12/2008 00:07

oh sweetie, I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad, nothing anyone says will make things better but know that I am another one thinking of you.
X

pantomimEDAMe · 25/12/2008 00:09

I'm so very sorry, LilRedWG.

sayithowitis · 26/12/2008 10:26

LilRedWG, my dearest Dad was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and given 4-5 months. My most terrible fear was that he would suffer that awful pain. He was due to be sent home from hospital with Macillan nurses etc, but sadly, on the day he was due to come home, only 6 days after diagnosis, he took a turn for the worse. We managed to get to the hospital only to find him sitting up in bed, talking and laughing as usual. I really thought there had been a mistake. But within 6 hours he had gone from us. It was very peaceful and he had no pain at all. He really did just close his eyes and fall asleep. As much as I didn't want that day to come, and certainly not that soon, my parayers were answered because I so didn't want my Dad to suffer and I know that he didn't. I hope you find the strength to get through this and I hope that when it comes, your dad's passing is as peaceful and painfree as my Dad's was.
[big hug emoticon]

sphil · 26/12/2008 21:41

I'm so sorry LilRedWG. My mum was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer with secondaries on the liver and lungs two weeks ago, so I empathise. We've just had a great Christmas though - which sounds weird I know - but Mum is being so strong and positive that she's making it easy for us. She starts chemo on Monday. Is your Dad having treatment?

LilRedWG · 27/12/2008 16:30

Thanks again all of you.

Sphil - Dad is having one blast of radiotherapy next week to some of the discomfort, but unfortunately there is nothing else they can do for him. I wish you Mum best with her chemo.

Sayithowitis - I'm glad that the doctor won't give Dad a timescale as I think we would all live to that which would be worse, counting down the days.

We had a lovely Christmas and my dad is feeling a lot better and even getting an appetite back, with the help of lots of drugs.

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Frizbe · 27/12/2008 16:32

{{{Hugs}}} very sorry to hear about this.

sphil · 27/12/2008 18:04

We haven't been given a timescale either - and I'm glad for the same reasons as you. Mum doesn't want it either. I'm pleased your Dad is feeling better - I'm finding at the moment that even little improvements are making me feel much happier, even though the outcome won't be different.

onlyjoking9329 · 30/12/2008 09:13

how's. Your dad doing ? Has he had his. Radiothherapy?
Thinking of you.

LilRedWG · 30/12/2008 09:37

Thanks OJ.

Dad is amazing - he's looking better than he has in months. They have him on anti-nausea drugs plus a steroid they normally give to chemo patients to increase his appetite and it's working. He's eating full meals - something he hasn't done for a good couple of months.

He has his radiotherapy today, so hopefully that will help with the discomfort and then they will be looking at getting Mac nurses set up for him so that he can come home. He's very proud and is muttering about not wanting a social worker etc etc, but he knows that it's what has to happen so he'll just chunter to himself.

I feel really odd. I was so upset the day we found out but because my Dad and Mum are so accepting of it I am too. My Dad is so much healthier and cheerier than he has been for months that it is hard to see the reality.

I'm just enjoying this period as much as I can, as I know that there will be time for tears later. I thought I'd be constantly crying, but I'm not, it's just great to see Dad looking and feeling so myuch better, but part of me feels that I'm strange to not be grieving and upset, almost as though I'm blocking it out.

Anyway, I hope that you and the children are having fun in the sun. xx

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sphil · 30/12/2008 15:40

LilRedWG - that post describes almost exactly how I'm feeling. I get the odd period of thinking about the future - usually at night - but the rest of the time I feel OK. Like you, I'm not sure if I'm blocking it or whether it comes from Mum's acceptance of the situation and positive attitude (she was really pleased yesterday because they brought her what she called a 'Happy Meal' while she was having chemo ). I'm so pleased your Dad is looking better and is able to eat properly. My Mum has been given a steroid too - hope it has the same effect as she's only able to eat tiny meals atm.

Hope you don't mind me writing about Mum here btw - it feels like a bit of a hijack, which I don't mean it to be. I started a thread in Health a while back, but this feels like a more comforting place to be, strangely.

LilRedWG · 30/12/2008 15:45

Sphil - it's no hijack. It is good to share these things sometimes. Keep typing away.

x

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sphil · 30/12/2008 15:48

Thanks.

LilRedWG · 31/12/2008 18:03

Mixed day today. I started off by stupidly thinking, "This could be the last birthday my Dad's around for", but got better when I went to see my Dad and he'd bought me some choccies from the newspaper lady for my birthday.

Am just grateful to have around today. x

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sphil · 01/01/2009 21:07

Oh God - the whole 'last time' thing is difficult isn't it? At the panto this afternoon they sang Abba's 'Our Last Summer' (v badly!) and it made me think of the great family holiday we all had last summer and whether that would be the last time. And now I can't get the bloody song out of my head!

Crunchie · 01/01/2009 22:18

I just wanted o post on this thread as I have just come to the end of this. My mum died on 29th December after having had cancer for about 19 months.

To start with I was like you guys, all fll of woe and what ifs and this is the last ...

It really wont help you or your family. You need to see this time as extra time to make extra memories. I am so grateful to have had this time to do stuff with my mum, to tell her how I really feel about her, to reminise and in the end to nurse her.

The last 19 monthshave been so special I am glad I did not spend them crying. I say my mum on her 50th wdding anniversary (2nd Nov) daning around to Mama Mia surrounded by family and having a great time, I also saw her on Christmas Eve sitting in Bed having her hair done and drinking Champagne!!

It is those memories I will cherish, just think if your parents died suddenly, you would never get this time together, to say your goodbyes.

It may sound madness but I ave hardly cried since she went, She was ready, she had done all she needed to do and she had set me and my brothers up to stand our ow two feet and live our lives. THAT is what she would hae wanted.

Enjoy this tme you have, don't be sad, be happy you have got the chance to make extra memoies.

BTW she died just as she would have wnated at home, holding dads hand, she didn't waste a single second

sphil · 01/01/2009 22:52

That's how my Mum wants it to be Crunchie. Every day a bonus. Thanks for your post - it's very comforting.

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