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Bereavement

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Just found out that my Dad has inoperable lung cancer - how will we cope?

206 replies

LilRedWG · 23/12/2008 15:58

Can't type much now as I'm so upset but I need to get it out of my head onto paper. DH is being a star as is DD (2.6) who keeps giving me her teddies to "help".

I feel numb and sick and I'm not ready to lose my Daddy. He's in hospital until they can sort out care at home and Mac nurses. I haven't spoken to him yet. My sister told me and I've phoned my mum. I'm going to visit him tomorrow.

I can't believe this - I can't lose my dad.

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Sidge · 15/02/2009 21:32

I'll be thinking of you too LilRed. What time is the service? I shall take a quiet moment for you and your dear dad.

sphil · 15/02/2009 22:08

I'll have a quiet moment for you too LilRed.

My sister had a similar experience to you after her FIL died. She was travelling back from seeing him in the funeral home and suddenly the car was filled with the smell of his coat. She's not at all religious,a very feet on the ground sort of person - but she said she just felt a huge wave of reassurance wash over her.

LilRedWG · 16/02/2009 04:20

Thank you all.

The service is at 2pm. As you may have guessed, I can't sleep tonight.

DD is at DH's sister's house for the night and FIL will bring her to the wake.

We spent the evening at Mum and Dad's. Mum was in bed. She's back to the hospital tomorrow after the wake.

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dizzydixies · 16/02/2009 09:32

LilRed are you ok? I noticed you were posting at 4am

have I missed what's going on with your mum sorry if I have

are you looking after yourself too? I found many many cuddles with the DC very theraputic even if they were a bit at the regularity of them

LilRedWG · 16/02/2009 09:54

Funeral today. Couldn't sleep last night.

Mum has been in hospital for the last month. She had surgery at the end of August to remove the majority of her small intestine following an obstruction. Since then her health has deteriorated and last week they fitted an aterial feed tube to try and get some nutrients into her. She has got a bad chest infection but they can't give her antibiotics as it makes the chronic diahrrea (sp?) worse and even though they drained 6.5l of fluid from her last week the odema is coming back. She was home this weekend for Dad's funeral but is back in hospital tonight.

x

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dizzydixies · 16/02/2009 09:58

oh sweetie am so sorry I didn't know. such a touch operation when dealing with the bowel/intestines, very sore

did you manage to get any sleep at all?

what a lot you have to deal with right now - I only wish I was close enough to help

lisalisa · 16/02/2009 10:02

LIlred - i am so very sorry to read this thread and hear about your darling dad. I wish your mum a speed recovery. Plesae be kind to yourself and try to get some sleep. Even if you just lay in your bed you are still resting.

Thinking of you with lovexx

LilRedWG · 16/02/2009 10:05

We both got back to sleep at about 5.30ish, so got a few hours. I just want today over with.

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dizzydixies · 16/02/2009 10:08

that's perfectly understandable, I hope it brings you some peace to see everyone who loved your Dad and hear all the nice things they say about him

LilRedWG · 16/02/2009 10:12

I hope so too.

He was a member of the British Legion and for years organised the local poppy appeal. They are doing a standby for him on the way to the crematorium (they all stand to attention outside Legion as his coffin is driven past) and have provided a Union Flag for his coffin too. So many people loved my Dad.

I'm going to log off now but will report back hopefully tomorrow.

Please all accept my thanks for the massive support you are being. Much love to you all. xxx

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dizzydixies · 16/02/2009 10:15

oh Red what a lovely tribute to your Dad, I shall take a moment in the madness at 2pm to stop and think of you and your family

much love to you too x

dizzydixies · 16/02/2009 17:46

hope it all went ok x

LilRedWG · 17/02/2009 10:13

Beautiful service. My best friend and DH did a great job of holding me together.

I'm going to miss my Dad so so much, but I will make sure that I never forget all of the things he taught me.

x

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dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 11:14

am so glad it went well, god bless best friends & DHs

LilRedWG · 17/02/2009 16:57

I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't cry yesterday, but as soon as we got to Mum and Dad's house and I saw lots of my family and friends outside and all the beautiful flowers I started, but I stopped again quite quickly.

Dad's coffin was draped with the Union Flag, supplied kindly by the British Legion and we all wore poppies, again provided by the British Legion.

The cars arrived and I was okay then until we got to the British Legion and stopped, as they were all standing to attention outside with the flag/standard flying. My brother squeezed my hand and again I calmed down.

I started again when we got to the crematorium and held on tight to DH and BF's hands.

The service was both beautiful and wonderful. Mum and Dad's 'song' played on both our entry and exit. The vicar was a wonderful lady who had Christened one of my neices and one of my nephews. She got down from the pulpit and spoke directly to us all, but mainly straight to my Mum. She made us laugh and cry.

I cried gently on and off throughout but got very upset when the final hymn was played, as it was Dad's favourite and we had had it at our wedding for that very reason.

Also, the British Legion again raised the standard and proclaimed the following (which is used on Rememberance Day):

"They went with songs to the battle, they were young, straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted; They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them."
Laurence Binyon (1869-1943)

I lost it a little at this point. My Dad would have been so so proud. He served his country in the years following the second world war and was a staunch supporter of the RBL, co-ordinating the Poppy Appeal and acting as Treasurer for his local branch and deserved this tribute so much.

I had also requested We'll Meet Again, by Vera Lynn, (as had a couple of my siblings) as it was Dad's favourite and he used to torture us with it as children and it was played as the curtains came round him. They didn't fully close and I am very glad of this, so I could still see the lovely flowers on his casket as we left.

I am crying as I type this. I am so immeasurable proud of my Dad and will always love him.

As the vicar said yesterday, now is the time for us, his children, to look forwards and to carry on his sense of moral conduct and standards and to keep teaching them to our children.

Thank you all for your support over the past month and a half.

xx

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dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 17:54

oh LilRed it sounds wonderful and such a perfect tribute to your dad who sounds like a much lovely man

can I ask that you do one thing though please? Will you please print out this thread or take everything you wrote and paste it somewhere and keep it so you have it to look back on to remind you that even in his passing so many people thought so highly of him and wanted to remember him in such a nice manner

much love darling much love x

sassy · 17/02/2009 19:02

Ah LilRed - the funeral sounds like a very fitting tribute to your beloved Dad. Well done for getting it over with. Be warned - when my Mum died the period in the months after the funeral were much tougher than the period in between - it is real life again and you have to move forward without that person. But it does get easier, I promise, with time.

Thinking of you xxxxxxx

LilRedWG · 17/02/2009 19:12

Thank you both. x

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lisalisa · 17/02/2009 21:07

LilRed - your father sounds like a man of real worth and someone anyone would have been proud and honoured to know and received a tribute fitting to htat .

i wish you strenght and fortitude.

Sidge · 17/02/2009 21:29

LilRed it sounds like he had a lovely send off

Wishing you peace, strength and fond memories.

LilRedWG · 17/02/2009 23:11

Thank you.

DH is back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I don't know if I'm ready to carry on yet.

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dizzydixies · 17/02/2009 23:33

you don't need to be ready to 'carry on' but your DD will keep you going

don't be expecting too much to soon

LilRedWG · 18/02/2009 08:35

Thanks Dizzy. DH has gone back to work today and DD and I are going to my sister's for the day and then to see Mum, so we won't be stuck at home all day.

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sphil · 18/02/2009 17:42

It sounds like a lovely funeral LilRed - if funerals can ever be such a thing. Your description made me cry. Thinking of you in the days after.

spudmasher · 18/02/2009 17:50

Well done. It sounded perfect.
Be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks.
Be prepared for physical effects such as colds/ sore throats. Adrenaline has stopped pumping and the bugs will flood in.