Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Just found out that my Dad has inoperable lung cancer - how will we cope?

206 replies

LilRedWG · 23/12/2008 15:58

Can't type much now as I'm so upset but I need to get it out of my head onto paper. DH is being a star as is DD (2.6) who keeps giving me her teddies to "help".

I feel numb and sick and I'm not ready to lose my Daddy. He's in hospital until they can sort out care at home and Mac nurses. I haven't spoken to him yet. My sister told me and I've phoned my mum. I'm going to visit him tomorrow.

I can't believe this - I can't lose my dad.

OP posts:

Report

sphil · 06/01/2009 21:50

LilRedWG - I'm sorry you didn't get to see much of your Dad. I feel a bit like you when my Dad doesn't give much info away on the phone - he's not one for displays of affection either. I feel a bit cheated and excluded somehow - and then I feel guilty.

eliselady · 06/01/2009 23:46

Don't fight the rollercoaster lilred. Waste of energy. Just concentrate on hanging on.

(hug)

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 09:14

Thanks guys. Sphil - I'm sorry that you feel like this too, but must say that it's comforting to know that it's not just me. I'm finding it harder also because my sister and her husband live with them and my sister has taken charge - goes to all their appointment and attends all the meetings, whilst I'm left in the kitchen.

Ah well. I'll ride the rollercoaster then. Good metaphor for this.

OP posts:

sphil · 07/01/2009 10:35

Oh God yes - good metaphor. It's funny isn't it - I don't want anyone else to be riding the rollercoaster, but it's very reassuring that other people are. It makes it difficult to post sometimes - can hardly write 'Oh I'm so pleased someone else feels this way' - but it's kind of what I mean .

Hard about your sister. I felt better after I'd put some meals I'd cooked in their freezer yesterday - it made me feel as if I was doing something (my sister has been more involved in medical appts too, though I have to say it's more practical for her as she has older children).

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 12:14

Sister has just text me to say that she hoped I didn't feel pushed out yesterday but as I had DD with me and the conversation was ratehr serious she thought it best. I've text back and said I understand - which I do. It's nice to hear that it was only DD keeping me out and not that I wasn't wanted though.

Am taking Dad to two of his radio appointments next week.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 12:14

And Sphil - I will always understand if you say, "I'm glad I'm not the only one - I know exactly what you mean.

OP posts:

eliselady · 07/01/2009 12:25

I really hope this doesn't come across as patronising, I am trying to write it carefully...

I suppose the other thing is to try and remember that the other members of your family are on the rollercoaster too. Things will happen that surprise and upset you and people will do things you might not expect.

Just try and remember that everything is done with the best intentions and that you are all having to cope with a situation that is unbelievably tough and that you have no "training" for. And keep talking to each other!

(((more hugs)))

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 12:32

Thanks eliselady - I know what you mean and I do keep in mind that we're all going through this in our own very personal ways.

You didn't sound patronising at all.

OP posts:

sphil · 07/01/2009 14:28

It was good of your sister to be sensitive and thoughtful enough to text you

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 15:50

It was - she's not a bad old stick really.

OP posts:

triplets · 07/01/2009 22:21

Oh gosh, read thru this with a very heavy heart. So sorry to read about all your pain, nice to see you here OJ, this is something you must find difficult, I have thought of you ofeten, and the children xx
I lost my lovley Dad 8 yrs ago to cancer, he went into hospital with a suspected heart attack, hed had three. By 5pm the following day we were told it was cancer, in four places, stomach, liver, oesophogus and spleen, he died two weeks later.I was devastated. Now my husband is battling bowel and liver cancer, he was idagnosed last March. At this moment he is up in Kings in London, tomorrow he has to have more surgery on the liver, then he goes back onto three more months chemo. Our trio will be 11 this month, its been very very hard. It all goes round and round my head trying to keep positive, stop asking why, I did that for years after my beautiful son died, it didnt get me anywhere. So for you all out there in similar boats, I feel for you xxx

LilRedWG · 07/01/2009 22:36

Oh Triplets, so lovely of you to post here. I do think of you but have never felt that I've known you well enough to post much.

I will be thinking of you and your triplets tomorrow and saying a prayer for your DH. xx

Thank you again for taking the time to post here, I know how difficult this must be for you, OJ and all the other kind people who have told me of their experiences and offered suppport.

xx

OP posts:

sphil · 07/01/2009 22:53

I second that. I've seen your posts on another website Triplets (not sure if you'll want me to say which one) and they've been very very helpful (as has the whole site in fact). How is your DH in himself at the moment? I will also say a prayer for him tomorrow.

Tomorrow Dh and I have to attend the funeral of DS2's lovely, lovely teacher, who died of meningitis before Christmas . Life seems very unfair at the moment. The school has been doing some bereavement counselling with the children and one very positive thing they're doing is to have a poster on the wall of each classroom, where the children can write memories of this teacher. I think it's a lovely idea and something I'll think about doing with the DSes when Mum is no longer with us .

An aside: this teacher was DS1's first when we moved mid year. She worked really hard to help him settle in - he was very lacking in confidence at his old school and by the end of a term in her class he was a completely different boy. So what did he write on her memory poster?

" She taught me how to cut" .

triplets · 07/01/2009 23:01

Oh, I think that is so lovely........

stealthsquiggle · 08/01/2009 11:59

sphil - I hope today is bearable. It sounds as though the school are dealing with it well. My beloved teacher died suddenly when I was 17 - but because he had left the school and was only coming back to coach me, I was the only one directly "affected". I still think of him now and periodically wonder if/how to get in touch with his wife and children to tell them how direct an impact he had on my life. Your DS's teacher's family will have those children's memories of her and that is great.

LilRed - thinking of you. Give me a call if there is anything I can do at all.

LilRedWG · 10/01/2009 10:15

Sphil - I hope it went as well as can be expected.

SS - thank you.

Triplets - how is DH? And how are you and the children?

OP posts:

OracleInaCoracle · 10/01/2009 10:17

red, if theres anything i can do, please call x

LilRedWG · 10/01/2009 10:24

Will do sweetheart, thank you. Dad starts his radiotherapy on Tuesday and it is going to make him poorly but hopefully will shrink the tumour enough for life to be a little more comfortable for him. x

OP posts:

sphil · 10/01/2009 19:53

Funeral was very sad but also lovely. Huge number of people there - we had to stand. The Head did a eulogy and quoted some of the things I'd said, which I was very touched by.

Saw Mum today - she is fine as the hospital have sorted out a drug to help her stomach pain. It's my Dad who looks worse atm - so tired. I wonder whether carers get forgotten sometimes - everyone makes a huge fuss of the person who's ill (quite rightly) but the carer gets a bit left out. It's hard to know what to do about it, as he's a very private and reserved man - if I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him, I expect he'd say no.

LilRedWG · 12/01/2009 15:38

You may be suprised Sphil - my Dad is normally like this but since his diagnosis has acknowledged that he and Mum need help. Talk to your Dad and just tell him that you know it must be tough for him and that you will do anything you can. Maybe, suggest doing online shops on his behalf so that he doesn't have to go out to the shops.

Dad's up and down. Was scarily breathless on Thursday but then managed to go to the British Legion club on Friday to play dominos.

OP posts:

sphil · 12/01/2009 22:46

Yes, Mum too. One day she's in bed all day, the next up and about as usual.

LilRedWG · 20/01/2009 21:20

Poor old Dad was having a bad day today. In quite a bit of pain. Mum could barely walk due to her arthritis and really bad water retention in her legs. I hate them suffering like this. I just hope they both feel better tomorrow.

I thought of OJ's lovely Steve today, whilst at Mum and Dad's, when my BIL came in with a bag full of individual trifles for my Dad, as he finds them easy to swallow and enjoys them.

I had my last session with my lovely counsellor today, who oddly enough has been counselling me for loss. I hope she's set me up well enough for the next however long. I think she's given me a good start and I'm so thankful to have had the time with her - she's wonderful.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 21/01/2009 19:00

Very tearful today. My brave facade seems to be crumbling.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 22/01/2009 18:17

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! Now Mum is in hospital! It just seems never ending.

OP posts:

fuckitgoblin · 22/01/2009 18:25

oh no
why is your mum in hospital?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.