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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Just found out that my Dad has inoperable lung cancer - how will we cope?

206 replies

LilRedWG · 23/12/2008 15:58

Can't type much now as I'm so upset but I need to get it out of my head onto paper. DH is being a star as is DD (2.6) who keeps giving me her teddies to "help".

I feel numb and sick and I'm not ready to lose my Daddy. He's in hospital until they can sort out care at home and Mac nurses. I haven't spoken to him yet. My sister told me and I've phoned my mum. I'm going to visit him tomorrow.

I can't believe this - I can't lose my dad.

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LilRedWG · 12/02/2009 17:39

Thanks both. I was with him for an hour and a half after he passed but can't decide if I want my last sight of him to be away from home iykwim.

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wilbur · 12/02/2009 17:42

You will cry, it may not be for a while, everyone is different. Something will set you off and you'll have a huge cry.

FWIW - I went to see my father at the funeral home and although it was very upsetting (I had to get dh to come in with me and I took a while to be able to go over to the casket), I'm glad I did. I knew when I saw him that he was absolutely not there any more, he had gone. Desparately sad and painful, but somehow it helped, long term.

dizzyTHETARTANARMYdixies · 12/02/2009 17:53

I can only tell you what I did with mum. We brought her home so she could leave from the house to be buried and we filled the room with all her cards and photos of all her loved ones. Everyone was popping in and out and I couldn't decide but on a rare moment of quiet I made a split second decision and went in.

She looked very small and not at all like my mum. As far as I was concerned I knew at that moment that she was gone and this was just the body that she'd left behind for a better place

I don't know if that helps you at all but I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you find comfort and peace in all of those around you

LilRedWG · 12/02/2009 17:55

Thanks both. There is something I would like placed in Dad's coffin and would like to do it myself, but if I can't I will ask the funeral director to.

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dizzyTHETARTANARMYdixies · 12/02/2009 19:02

my mum's sisters put a rose each in with her

my brother and I put a rose on top for each of our kids

its a lovely thought

Sidge · 12/02/2009 20:11

LilRed it is such a difficult and personal decision. I couldn't see my dad after he died (he lived and died in Australia and I am in the UK) and I wonder if that contributes to the feeling that I can't quite believe he's gone.

I mean, I know he's died, I know he's gone, I just can't quite believe it. I wonder if I'd been able to see him after his death if I'd accept it more? I don't really know. It's all speculation anyway as you can't change it but I do think about it.

Sorry for my daft ramble, I hope whatever you decide you find peace with.

Belgrano · 12/02/2009 20:52

Hi LilRedWG, just saw this thread and wanted to post.

I am so sorry for your news, how awful. I thought I'd share my experience with you - my dearest Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 'mixed' lung cancer in Oct. Mixed means both small cell and non small cell types are present, and is a real prob for treatment as the 2 are treated with different chemos but you can't do both at the same time. It means that if you treat one, the other grows and vice versa so after about 6 wks of chemo they gave up. he is now on radio and that is making him suffer (much more than the chemo did actually).

That said there are some good things: after the initial shock, which is horrendous and is what you are prob now feeling, I felt almost grateful to be given warning that I would lose him. That is the only blessing of cancer, at least you can prepare. Since then I have made him happy by telling him I am pregnant (weirdly my pg is dated from the exact day he was diagnosed - the 1st day of my last period was that day). I have seen him much more than usual - around every two weeks (they live 2 hours away) and we have tried hard to build great memories, so lots of meals out, family outings etc. he adores seeing DD and she really cheers him up because toddlers don't understand long-term sadness (ie. that which is not caused by removing a toy from them!) so we all have to forget our sadness when she is around.

He doesn't want to talk about death or really much at all about cancer, aside from a bit about treatments and stuff. That sounds similar to your dad. I find I am able to respect that he wants to live his last weeks/months having as 'normal' a life as possible so we almost ignore it. I think he would hate it if I insisted on tearfully telling him how much I love him every time I see him so instead we drink a glass of wine or have a nice meal and talk about Barack Obama or taking DD to Longleat or what to buy in Tesco tomorrow - really ordinary stuff.

I absolutely adore my dad and will miss him so incredibly much. It will be terribly sad when he has gone but I try not to be too sad now (while also trying not to repress my feelings - a tricky balance!) since the bonus of right now is that he is still here.
I am thankful for that.

And right now he is able to live a decent life. He is a bit weak, has a bad cough and is breathless and a bit wheezy. His hair has gone grey and some has fallen out but he didnt have much to begin with! But he gets up and brings my mum tea in bed most mornings and can drive here to see me and can go out for meals and have a perfectly decent conversation and reads the paper every day and is generally quite a lot like himself, while not being 100% of course.

I don't know if any of this rings any bells for your situation, which of course is very unique. I just thought it could possibly help for you to know you are not alone. I am so sorry for you. It is possible to actually enjoy these last weeks with your beloved parent, once the initial shock wears off.

Belgrano · 12/02/2009 20:55

Oh god I am so sorry Lil red. I realise now I had only read the first page of your listing and not looked at the date. I realise now you are way further along in the situation than I thought - having only read your first page of postings I thought you were dealing with a recent diagnosis.
I am so sorry and hope that you can ignore my insensitive post, I meant to help but I was an idiot and should have looked more closely at the thread before I posted in a hurry.
Sorry and so so sorry for your loss.

LilRedWG · 12/02/2009 21:02

Belgrano - not at all insensitive. Please do not upset yourself. You are right to enjoy your Dad at the moment; that is what I did for as long as possible - and, like your Dad, he did not want to discuss it too much.

Please enjoy your Dad as much as possible - it sounds as though you are.

God bless. x

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sphil · 12/02/2009 23:06

Thinking of you LilRed. I had a phone conversation with DS2's wonderful therapist tonight (she's a counsellor of families who have children with autism). She gave me lots of good advice about how to prepare the DSes for their Nanny's death. The last thing she said was 'The most important thing to teach them is that love never dies'.

LilRedWG · 13/02/2009 09:19

Thank you Sphil. DD is 2.9 and obviously doesn't understand. We've told her that Grandad has gone to somewhere where he won't feel poorly anymore, but that we are going to miss him very much. She is very emotional and tearful this week and I think is definitely picking up on my emotions. However, as DH said, she is two and may just be being two. I will make sure that she knows how much her Grandad loved her and always will.

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LilRedWG · 13/02/2009 17:38

DD tearful at nursery today. They've said it's normal and that she'll bounce back.

I went to see my Dad. I love him so much.

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2shoesformyvalentine · 13/02/2009 17:40

LilRedWG

2shoesformyvalentine · 13/02/2009 17:42

dd has been praying a lot(which makes me laugh) and looking at the ceiling(heaven)
when dd's freind died, I told her he was a star in the sky, would that help your little person?

LilRedWG · 13/02/2009 19:04

I've just told DD that Grandad has gone somewhere where he won't feel poorly anymore and that we'll miss him. I haven't even broached death.

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LilRedWG · 13/02/2009 19:04

Hit post too soon then.

Your DD sounds very cute! How old is she?

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LilRedWG · 14/02/2009 11:30

Just looked at Dad's obituary - it is so sad. He was such a wonderful man.

Yesterday I went to see him in the funeral home and then visited Mum in hospital and picked up DD from nursery. As we walked through the front door we heard DD's wind up music box playing, only half a dozen notes, but so comforting.

DH pointed out that it could have been me shutting the front door which made the shelf it's on upstairs in DD's room vibrate and set it off, but it has NEVER happened before and I felt such a feeling of peace and safety.

I'm chosing to believe that it was my Dad, letting me know that he will always be around for us.

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2shoesformyvalentine · 14/02/2009 12:01

thats a nice thought.

LilRedWG · 14/02/2009 17:58

It makes me feel safe to think that my Dad is still around.

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dizzydixies · 14/02/2009 19:22

am sure he is LilRed

if it helps DD2 who was 2.3 when mum went was a bit confused by it all and a bit tearful with it yet she seems fine now - children are resourceful and great at helping people heal too

look for your dad in your DD and I'm sure you'll see him there too

LilRedWG · 15/02/2009 10:28

Thanks Dizzy. The funeral is tomorrow and my FIL is going to collect DD after the service and bring her to the wake. All of the grandchildren will be at the wake (only the older ones are coming to the funeral) and I'm sure it will make it easier all round.

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wotzy · 15/02/2009 11:19

Only just seen this, thinking of you

LilRedWG · 15/02/2009 12:46

Thank you.

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dizzydixies · 15/02/2009 18:40

how are you feeling about tomorrow LilRed? I found I was in a state of disbelief before it (was focussing on how I looked but in my defence I WAS 40wks pregnant) and then it was very quiet in the car. The funeral and service were teary blur but the wake was lovely. We didn't have the kids, there are only my 2 and dnephew and I left mine up the road with a very good friend so I really didn't give them a thought all day once again though I was too busy concentrating on not going into labour!

I think having DD there will be great, she'll remind you what it is all about. Take your time to say goodbye to your Dad and enjoy everything everyone has to say about him

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and keeping you in my prayers for comfort and peace

onlyjoking9329 · 15/02/2009 19:03

another one here who will be thinking of you tomorrow.

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