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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

For Bereaved Mummies. Remembering Jack and our other precious little ones... the sharing of hurt is the beginnning of healing.

1000 replies

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 14:01

Third time lucky........ Thanks to Shabs and FMN. I hope i can carry the baton as well as you did. I havent made a good start though. Things can only get better.........

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charleymouse · 12/09/2008 00:42

FMN sorry you are having such a tough day.

Hi ladies can I join?

I wanted to get in on the first thread for Eris then for Shabsters Gareth and Matthew but you you guys can certainly chat and I felt I couldn't keep up or offer anything to help anyone, in fact I have steered clear from the bereavement topic for a while as couldn't cope.

However if you don't mind I need help at the mo, an aquaintance has just had twins and I have lost it today (yesterday looking at time now) I don't know why just completely broken down and lost the plot.

Sorry for barging in when I have nothing to offer but just feel the need to share with people who understand. I had such inane comments from colleagues today which almost made it worse.

Any way I feel better just for asking if I can join, just wish none of us had to be part of this club we are in. Night night god bless you all

shabster · 12/09/2008 07:16

Good morning girls.

Charley - I was going to say 'welcome' to our thread - wish none of us had to be here but I reckon we are doing an OK job of muddling through. Lovely girls on here - 'proper people.'

You dont have to do anything or feel you have to help anyone. Just come in and say hiya.

I know what you mean about twins. I am fascinated by twins but it shakes me to the core if I am around them.

Im sorry you had a horrible day. Stay around love - everyone will try to help. xx

hazygirl · 12/09/2008 07:32

morning girlsx big hugsx

shabster · 12/09/2008 07:33

Morning Hazy xx

lottiejenkins · 12/09/2008 07:41

Hello Charley.. welcome to "Jacks thread" Hope you can find the help and support you need here... hugs for you xxxxxxxxx

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shabster · 12/09/2008 08:42

Just been thinking Charley (and having a nosey through your lovely pictures) when I first joined Mumsnet it was because my lovely friend Triplets said what a great website it was.

I went onto the Multiples and felt such a fraud! I kept thinking 'I haven't still got twins they are going to be wondering why I am on there.' Sometimes it still gets to me when a twin birth is announced and I post on there and congratulate the new mum and then sit here sobbing. Gareth died 26 years ago and there are still times now when I simply cannot cope. I feel jealous that other people have twins.

This thread allows me to be honest - to be happy or sad. I am always amazed how we all keep plodding on down this crappy path.

Its good to have you here Charley - wish none of us had to be here but grateful for the support we all give each other.

lottiejenkins · 12/09/2008 09:24

Hi Shabs xxxxxxxx Wilf is home tonight... and we have his gf over for the day tomorrow!! I cant wait to see him! He has started back riding this week after a two year break, he loves that.,........ im seriously allergic to horses hence him doing it at school!!!

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shabster · 12/09/2008 09:42

Sounds like a lovely week end ahead Lottie - I bet you miss him

charleymouse · 12/09/2008 12:55

Cheers Shabs, thank-you for the welcome, I must post more on the multiples thread as well. I definitely can't keep up with that. I also feel a fraud on the multiples as though I should show some id or proof that I am a multiples mum. Sometimes it helps G is a twin and sometimes it makes it sooooo much harder. IYKWIM. I know you do as you are in the same boat.

Morning Hazy.

Thank you Lottie, I bet you are looking forward to having Wilf back

shabster · 12/09/2008 13:44

Must admit Charley - None of the girls on the multiples have ever made me feel I shouldn't be there. In fact when I mentioned it once they all went mad at me Its just my strange mind and the way my thoughts go.

charleymouse · 12/09/2008 14:00

I know Shabs the multiples ladies have always been really welcoming to me as well. They offered me lots of support when I found out I was having twins, then when there were complications, and then after Benjamin died as well. It is just me that feels I am an interloper.

It is really shallow and stupid I suppose but I grieve not only for my eldest son as he is no longer here; but also for my youngest son as he is missing his IDT and myself as I have lost my status as a multiples Mum. It felt very special to have that and now I have to force myself to feel it. The fact that I feel the loss of that also makes me feel bad as it seems so shallow compared to the other stuff.

shabster · 12/09/2008 14:12

who let you into my thoughts Charley?? You have just written exactly how I feel. We can get through all this - as long as we all help each other. We are still mums of twins just that your little boy and my little boy are not physically here.

Bet they are causing havoc in heaven

feedmenow · 12/09/2008 14:18

Hi Charley, good to have you here. Like Shabs said, you don't need to give anything......although I'm sure that you will give without even realising you're doing it. Just having someone say "I know, I felt the same" is often enough.

My day yesterday just got crapper and crapper. Dp (although less of the D at the moment!) told me that his mate needed company down the pub - his wife left him a while ago, etc, etc. So d(???)p buggered off down the pub! I sent him a really shitty text telling him that he made me feel like crap, that I needed him desperately yesterday, that he knew how upset I felt at the 6 month mark, that I'd been back to the hospital, to the same room and that basically I felt like he never gave a crap about our baby and that he hadn't even managed to stay in the room when she was born, etc, etc (it was a LONG text!). I then started bawling with only my 9yo dd for comfort. She did a very good job at it but she is only 9 and shouldn't have to, IYSWIM? Anyway not so dp walks back in 10 mins later telling me that he was already on his way home and that he'd decided not to go to the pub after all, that he'd just gone for a walk to clear his head. Bullshit (excuse the language) but I suppose at least he came back. Anyway, I cried for ages and today I look like shit and have a headache and my eyes ache too.

I only realised while bawling last night how much I feel like the rest of the world has moved on and how I'm left alone to face my grief. It's strange cos I'm sure my family and friends would listen if I talked, but it just isn't like that. Talking won't actually make any difference. But I have to carry it around with me forever. What would be the point in talking about it when nothing can change it? I suppose it comes down to that thing about how you can be surrounded by people but still feel like the lonliest person in the world.

charleymouse · 12/09/2008 14:45

Thank you FMN, when DS had to go for a brain scan due to his prematurity that was in the same room where I fond out I was expecting twins and it really upset me. I am sporting that red love bite effect qround the eyes at the moment you know like little speckles of deep red that are so fetching after you have been sobbing.

My poor DD who is only 3 comforts me, she has previously suggested we dig B up to bring him home .

A couple of weeks ago on Monday morning we were driving to work whens she said
"Daddy, Nanna P was your mummy wasn't she? She died didn't she?"
"Yes DD" DH rolls his eyes at me;
"Mummy, Grandad P was your Daddy wasn't he? He died didn't he?"
"Yes DD" I roll my eyes at DH;
"Mummy, Benjamin died didn't he?"
"Yes DD"
"Mummy, Nana M died didn't she?"
"No DD she didn't" (she is terminally ill might get to Christmas fingers crossed) I panic and think she has had a prmonition or something.
"I was only joking with you Mummy he he "

I have to query my daughters sense of humour to be honest.

triplets · 12/09/2008 16:50

I am not supposed to be on here, just quickly seen this, Charleymouse............please please you are still the mother of twins and we all would love to see you back with us mad multiple mums......please xx

shabster · 12/09/2008 17:35

I like the sound of your DD Charley!! Think we share the same weird sense of humour

shabster · 12/09/2008 17:35

Well said Trips!!

lottiejenkins · 12/09/2008 22:12

Evening all xxxxxxxxxxxx

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shabster · 12/09/2008 23:54

Good night my loves....see you in the morning xxxx

shabster · 13/09/2008 08:15

Good morning my darlings xxxx

shabster · 13/09/2008 09:29

Just went for a newspaper to the corner shop. Little group of pensioners having a good gossip on the corner. One of them shouted over to me 'Hiya love, you are my new neighbour aren't you?' 'Somebody told me you had lost two little lads!'

'Well love it will get better in time, but I lost a baby just after the war, Joan lost her little lad and her husband in the same week, Ethel lost a lad!' She rhymed off everyone I know in the area. All those losses and yet there they were gabbing away - and, best of all, they didn't pussyfoot around me and try not to upset me - they are strong women who have survived.

They were telling me funny stories about their children and we all ended up laughing.

Its taken me 20 mins to get a paper

triplets · 13/09/2008 10:53

Shabs............bit the same for me this morning...took Becs up the village for the paper, took us 40 mins as my 94 yr old neighbour stopped us, said she was worried about us as she hadn`t seen us about, and said she wants to give me a cheque for some money to get Harry some nice dinners!!!!

lottiejenkins · 13/09/2008 11:32

Our little village is amazing too. Wilfred has been taught what to do in an emergency he knows to go to our neighbour and she knows what to do then. He also has a badge that says "Mummy knows where i am please dont worry" on one side and my two phone numbers on the other.
I know he can go out on his own, it would be well meaning people thinking he was lost and bringing him home that would be the problem!!

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shabster · 13/09/2008 12:39

Oh Trips what a lovely gesture.xx

Lottie - I like the sound of that badge - what a great idea.

lottiejenkins · 13/09/2008 17:58

Evening all....Wilf has (i think) being eating angry food at school......(foods with additives which make him angry,hence the name)He has been manic for most of the day which is very tiring for me!! This afternoon he had Leah here which was nice.. I have just had a massive cookfest in the kitchen, chocolate tray bake for Wilf to take back to school, chicken curry for tonight and cottage pie for lunch tomorrow. I forgot to make the rice pudding so that will have to go in the oven tomorrow morning at 9am. I used the mashed potato that was left from last night to put on the top of the cottage pie, and we can have yorkshire puds out of the freezer with that! Hope i havent made you all hungry now!!

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