This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

Hope you all find us ok 💐💐💐

Thank you for setting up a as second thread. I have used the first one so much for support in the past few weeks as I struggle to come to terms with the passing of my beloved DH.

Yesterday was DH's funeral, which went far better than I had expected.
He would have been so bemused at the amount of people who came - far more than I had anticipated.

A lot of it went by in a blur - probably just as well.

So now what? I guess I start to rebuild a life for myself.

@Jaffapaffa it’s good to know that it all went well yesterday. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but there is no need to start rushing around planning what you need to do.

I took a couple of weeks after the funeral, literally just to sit on my bottom. I was fortunate that my family business could allow me to do that.

There’s a lot of practical stuff to unravel and unpack when a loved one dies. I think it’s important that you build up your strength both physically and mentally. I’m currently on five portions of salmon a week sometimes for breakfast sometimes lunch at least twice a week in the evening it’s made a huge difference to my brain fog. It was suggested to me as part of recovery from cancer. Actually it’s all oily fish but I only like salmon.

Whatever happens in the next days and weeks try and make some time just to relax if possible. I wrote a lot of lists during the months after DH‘s passing but one of them was all the fun things I wanted to do some quite simple like me to my friends for a coffee and others were going away on a Sewing holiday which I did last June.

One of the things I’ve spoken about quite extensively at the beginning of the previous thread was grief counselling. I never did get round to booking it, but I have just literally in this last half an hour made enquiries with a view to starting in the next couple of weeks. I’ve had some counselling for cancer and it was suggested that grief counselling would probably really help me so I’m planning on doing that next. I think I really should’ve done it last year, but part of me of having to talk about DH at a set time every week didn’t want that but in retrospect I think it may have helped. 💐💐💐

I don’t recall posting on the last thread, but as it’s a year old I may have. My DH passed away suddenly after seven years of marriage and our kids were 4 and 6. They are now 21 and 22. I have not met anyone new, I was open to it after a couple years but it hadn’t happened. My son has suffered most from his death. Covid was particularly challenging for him and a male role model would have helped. My DD not so much as she was so young she barely remembers him. For me, my life has taken a different path than it might have done, but I didn’t meet him til I was 39 so was well used to being on my own. Fortunately with the house equity and his life insurance, and when my own parents passed easy (my father just a few months before my husband) financially we have been ok. This has been a huge part of how I have been able to cope. If I had to immediately return to work (and I worked in a creative field so not high paying), I just can’t imagine how things would have panned out. As it was I did downsize to a house half the size and in a less nice neighbourhood but it was fine.
As someone who has now lived for years after the event I can reassure you all that you will laugh again and find joy. We talk of him still and his photo is on the shelf. He adorns the back of our photo Christmas card every year. I often think ‘what would X do’ when faced with a big decision. I get a lot of comfort from that. I see so much of him in both my children and I tell them that. I want them to know as much as possible that he loved them and they carry a piece of him forever. I do miss him every day but I also need to live my life. One thing that I have had to come to terms with is that I am now no longer invited to occasions (dinner parties, group events) as a single woman. I don’t even think it’s a conscious thing - but I hear my friends talk about this or that dinner and realise I was the only one left out because they are all couples. One woman even said as much - she asked me to come to a benefit dinner and I jumped at it and she said ‘ I don’t know why I never thought to ask you before I guess because everyone is a couple’ (one spouse had to drop out). Thanks.

Hello all. Just checking in.

I recognise so much of what you say, Jaffapaffa. Enormous numbers of people came to my DH’s funeral. I was rather daunted by the prospect of it but, on the day, there was so much love and regard for him in the room that it buoyed me up.

Funeral day + 3, and so far it's been quite odd.

Before DH became ill, I had been invited to a garden party thing at Buckingham Palace. After his emergency lower limb amputation in January, my siblings offered to come and keep him company, so I accepted the invitation.
After the cancer diagnosis, and then the stroke, I decided I couldn't go - I didn't want to spend any time away from DH.

But suddenly on Thursday - the day after the funeral - I thought 'I will just go' - I've already faced so many horrific things this year. My DSis had already booked time off work, so was happy to look after DDog.

I bought a train ticket for Friday, put on my new frock, purchased in January, and off I went.

There were a lot of tears, some mishaps around travel due to my befuddled brain, a lot more tears - but I did make it. Looked around the gardens in the sweltering sun, took a lot of photos - all of which I wanted to send to DH but obviously couldn't - and many more tears.

But it was so removed from my ordinary life - surreally so - that it almost feels as if I didn't actually do it, and that it was a weird dream, with today in fact being Friday instead.

@Hisredipad thank you for the suggestion of grief counselling - I have started to enquire about it, as I think it might be useful.
Although I just cry every time I think about DH, so I'm not sure how much I can talk about him.

@mondaytosunday I think I will have to sell up and move at some point. This was always a large house for just the 2 of us, and it's ridiculously big for 1.
We had planned to retire together in a couple of years, and relocate, but now I think I will have to work longer than planned - and of course there is now no reason to move to some of the places that we had discussed.
I appreciated your post, and the fact that at some point there may well be joy again.

A very quiet day yesterday. I managed to get the bed stripped, washed and remade, thanks to the sunshine.
A miniscule amount of gardening done - all I could think of was DH, as that was his domain. When I say gardening, in reality I was just cutting things down - everything has grown so fast while he was ill.

But mainly I just sat and stared into space, or sobbed.

I miss him so much.

@Jaffapaffa This is when reality kicks in unfortunately. The jobs they did that somehow you were aware of but maybe didn’t realise how much they did. Is hard to have to do those things yourself.

I get up every morning having forgotten to put the dishwasher on. DH insisted it was his job and it’s not on my radar at bedtime. 💐💐💐

Yesterday was hard. I went to the cinema - alone because I thought it would be a distraction. DH absolutely loved going - in the year he turned 60, he set himself a target of going 60 times, and managed to achieve it.
But I missed him so much - his quiet presence, his wry smile.

I managed to put 2 bags of his clothes into a spare bedroom. It seemed to take forever and by the end I was exhausted from weeping.

The pain is unbearable at times. He was my best friend and my constant companion - we did so much together, and were planning things for retirement (delayed for him, early for me).

But all those plans have disappeared without warning, and been replaced by an unending void of blackness and despair. If it were not for DDog, I'm not sure if I would even get out of bed.

Hi everyone I haven't read thread 1 but just wanted to pop in if that's okay. My husband died suddenly in his sleep 11 years ago it's just gone past his anniversary and I still miss him so much.
Since he left us I have had several more grandchildren and it hurts that he is missing all the joy of that.
I am so grateful for what I have but I miss just hanging out with him,his presence,his hand to hold and someone to grow old with (I'm in my 60s).
I'm also disabled with quite poor mobility so don't get out much.

I wish you all who have recently lost partners brighter days ahead. Don't be dismayed by my sob story I do find so much joy in life and have beautiful memories.
But oh how I miss him!

@Jaffapaffa yours was the first comment I have read and my heart goes out to you. I know what it's like staring into that black void. May you find some peace in the routines and gradually days
will start linking together and making more sense.

Love to all 🏵🌷🌼🌺

I went for my 6 monthly dental checkup yesterday.

I found it so hard - when I booked that appointment, it was for both for us, and at the time, we had no idea that DH was ill, let alone that he would pass away so quickly.

And it was an evening appointment, to fit in with his work.

Mainly though I was completely taken aback by the dental staff - the receptionist was so kind, and the dentist himself gave me a hug and wanted to chat about DH for quite some time - we have been going to this dentist for over 2 decades, and the pair of them would talk endlessly about football (sometimes causing appointments to run over).

I just hadn't expected such kindness from people who are almost strangers to me - it was very discombobulating.

There’s a lot that’s discombobulating, I find. I’ve had amazing support from quite unexpected people, while people I would have guessed would step up, have not (and have even been deliberately unkind). So I’ve been doing a lot of reevaluating.

DH is home now - well, a box containing him is.

I have no idea what to do with it at the moment, so I'm putting him with his bottles of single malt - I think he'd like that, even though he rarely touched them in recent years.

It’s so difficult, isn’t it? I don’t know what to do, either. The option I want isn’t available at our local cemetery, where I very much want him to be, so I have to choose between a local option I don’t want, or the option I want but distant from home. I’m going round in circles.

DH's sister wants his ashes scattered in Scotland, as that where he was from.
But I don't think he would have cared much.

I suspect he will be at home with me for quite some time - there is no rush.

I just stumbled upon this thread, I hope it's ok I share. Today is the 9 year anniversary of my DH death. It was sudden, no warning, went to work like any other day and never came home. He was young, 35. I had no choice but to carry on but was furloughed during covid so was finally able to process everything. I scattered his ashes after having them for 3 years. I never thought I would move on but have been fortunate to find someone. We married last year. He knows about my late DH and is wonderful, he accepts my grief and has given me strength to move on. he's gone but never forgotten.

Hello. I too just stumbled upon this thread and I do hope I'm not intruding by posting.
I wanted to say how much comfort it has given me to read all of your heartfelt posts after losing your dear loved ones.
It's never too late to be comforted, even
if years have elapsed and the support comes from reading a stranger's post on MN.
Those of us who have lost loved ones are not really strangers when we can relate to and gain understanding and a feeling a closeness with those who are, or who have, suffered great loss in their lives.
I lost my DM and my DP and as an only child the loss has felt particularly isolating, and still affects me.
My sincere condolences to all the previous posters on your very sad losses, and thank you @Hisredipad for this post.

Hi
My dh died in his sleep 4 months ago. He was only 59. He wasn't ill so it was a complete shock. I think I am only starting to accept that he is actually gone.
We were together for just over 28 years and he was everything to me. Our 4 children have all left home. They have been brilliant but all live far away so essentially I'm on my own.

Sending you a massive virtual hug. We had no children, so like you, I'm very much on my own, and it's extremely hard to accept that my best friend has gone.so suddenly.

I am working hard on building a new life for myself - but it's early days.

I have found both this thread and the previous one to be very comforting, especially at 3am when life seems even more pointless

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's very reassuring to know that perhaps one day things won't seem so bleak - at the moment I just live from hour to hour.

Today is our wedding anniversary - 22 years ago we got married.
And 38 days ago DH passed away.

I've bought myself a strimmer as an anniversary present, but alas I haven't had a chance to use it yet, due to the rain. I've never used one at all before - how hard can it be?

I enquired about grief counselling - and have had an email asking me to report for assessment tomorrow.

I'm not sure what the assessment entails - am I not grieving enough? Am I doing it incorrectly? Who knows? 🤷‍♂️

@Jaffapaffa your wedding anniversary story matches mine so well except im a year ahead of you. Please give the bereavement counselling a go, I wish I had so much now as im sure it would have helped. Im actually starting in the next couple of weeks. Go you on the strimmer!

i went away this weekend to a place that DH and I went a lot. It was easier this time. My third visit. Life at home has been a challenge and ive had trades hereWhom DH would have dealt with. All lovely people but making some decisions about what to do or not too do has been hard. Life seems to chuck more at me on a weekly basis and nothing seems to come to an end quickly.

I’ve had cancer counselling and realise now im greatly overwhelmed by lots in life, so I’m trying to prioritise things. Non urgent stuff is being put off for several months or longer at the moment.

I have had what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary and my DH's 60th birthday in the past few weeks. It was hard. I found that the days leading up to the dates were harder than the days themselves.
I have had to start trying to tackle our huge garden (I hate gardening). I feel like I am betraying him every time I look at the weeds (I'm sure we have mutant weeds - every time I pull one it is replaced by 9 larger cousins). I don't know how I am supposed to do it all by myself. People keep suggesting I get a gardener in but don't suggest how I am supposed to afford it (the garden really is huge).
That is another shock. I didn't realise how expensive dying is.