For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

@BasiliskStare yep it's rubbish 😞 I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are getting the support you need from your family ❤️

I was in a shopping centre this morning and as usual music was playing. We were waiting for a shop to open when they started playing my mum's favourite song which was played at her funeral. I couldn't help it, I just started to cry. My lovely DH realised straight away and just hugged me close. A wave of grief just hit me. It felt as raw as it did 6 months ago 😢

Thank you so much @EducatingArti @FunnyCrabDance @Tiddlersfish @Totallybannanas

Here's how it is from my end. Admin So Mum didn't even have an email address. Dad did everything. I think we are getting there with probate - not quite but nearly. That will be a relief.

The administration thing I am crossest about is that DF had an occupational pension. Once we reported his death that stopped. I get that. But Oh my goodness the company now administering that pension are dragging their feet. This is Mum's main source of income. (Her state pension isn't the full one.) So I am going to phone tomorrow and make an official complaint because no-one seems to be showing any urgency. For those who are sorting out admin for their parents I absolutely feel your pain.

On the upside my mother has a lot of good friends and has lived where she does for nearly 60 years so she does have a network of friends and I think that will be fantastic for her. I have DH who is helping me with the admin

The funeral I think went as well as it could and I would say if planned with love you can't really go wrong.

But I am feeling stressed and I just think it will properly hit me when everything sorted. But one foot in front of the other.

@Totallybannanas I haven't had to clear DM's house obviously as she still lives there. However I did this for DFIL and the approach DH and his siblings took was take anything you feel attached to , or indeed valuable and the rest can go. Unless you have unlimited space take sentimental / important things and let go. Just one experience - you must do as you will. My DM phoned up last night a bit teary because she's given Dad's clothes away to a local organisation which gives them away to people working who can't afford even cheap clothes and I think she feels better for that.

Well that's my little getting things off my chest
Thank you all - Tomorrow is another day . I'm going to treat myself to a G&T this evening before getting back in the fray tomorrow. 💐 I am also working out when I can go back up soon .

Hi, I find myself here as my lovely dad died 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I have to see the registrar, funeral director and celebrant (his body had to go for post mortem so there's been a 2 week twiddling of thumbs) I'm the youngest of a large sibling group, it's proving to be a nightmare sorting out the funeral as one in particular has got to travel a long way and seems to think that the whole thing will wait for her to decide what date she can travel! I'm being accused of trying to ban her from the funeral when I pointed out that a funeral director isn't going to hold on to the body to suit her calendar! The actual admin hasn't been too bad, he had nothing except a very small savings pot which will transfer to my mum, I also find out tomorrow if the bank want probate or not considering the estate is so small. The thing that has angered me the most is their ex housing association ringing to arrange repairs for a house that was given back before he died and then feeling like I'm losing the plot when yet another contractor rings !
Just feels like a funeral no one really wants (my mum has advanced dementia so can't discuss with her) she's said she wants to come to the funeral, but it's the first time the sibling group will even be in the same place for over 30 years which id imagine could be quite overwhelming. We've also got the common saga of various siblings flatly refusing to speak to each other. I just wish they would adult and realise that it's 30 minutes

@Lightuptheroom I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad, that all sounds so stressful as well. Hope you are able to get some support somehow x

💐@Lightuptheroom I do feel for you there. I have only one sibling and DM doesn't have dementia so (reasonably quickly ) we were able to sort out funeral arrangements (Other sibling had different ideas but came round to thinking it is Mum's choice. ) But yes it is not so simple as picking a date as the funeral directors and the celebrant and the church / crematorium will also have dates they can make. In this case I suspect my sorting out of the funeral was easier than yours seems to be so I can only give you my best wishes for it and I hope you find a decent resolution

I am absolutely NOT saying this is the answer but Dh and his siblings decided on a direct cremation for his father. DMIL had a "paper" but DFIL retreated into himself after she died and so there would have been so few in attendance and no-one wanted the funeral so they did the direct cremation. After that they booked a nice meal in a meaningful place to him and then scattered the ashes into the sea. But I do realise this would not be for everyone.

I wish you well.

Today is not a good day. It’s been over two years but I still have days like this where I miss my mum so much and wail like a baby for the life I used to have. I wish so much my children were little and for the life I used to have. My children are now barely adults (20 and 16) and my dad is getting frailer. What will I do when I’m all alone? I’m so scared for the future and so sad for the now.

Sending hugs to all going through this.
I lost my Dad 4 years ago, and then lost Mum 8 months ago tomorrow. I'm really struggling, as I'm a single parent to 2 very challenging children and I work full time.
The IHT and probate process was so complicated. Luckily we found someone really good to sort it all out for us.
Just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere, as although (some) friends have been supportive, none of my friends have lost one parent, let alone both, and I'm just feeling lost.

@CAMHShelp I understand this. My adult son bought his first flat and moved out the week before my father died last month. I felt more than a little bereft . & then a week later my father died.
All I would say is that DS has been popping round since I got home from Mum's and he's coming over to have dinner at the weekend which will be lovely. I want my DS back when he was little and both my parents. I want to stop worrying about my Mum. I want things to be like they were. But I have some hope that I won't feel utterly alone. For me it is newer , so who knows how I will feel but I am hoping.

But I completely understand how you feel, whatever help or not that may be 💐🌹🌻

@CAMHShelp@BasiliskStare I totally get your feelings. My kids are now in their teens but since my dad died I have been mourning both their childhood and also my own childhood when we are all so present together as a family and healthy. It’s been the weirdest part for me that I didn’t expect - l think I don’t have long left with my kids at home as my eldest is soon 17 and the realisation that those years of having both my kids and parents around are coming to an end. I just want things back like they were too and to also stop worrying about my mum on her own. It feels like such a shift in our family dynamics and it’s also highlighted what else has changed or will change soon.

Took some of Mum’s clothes to the charity shop today .. it’s the hardest thing to let go so I’ve left it until now (3 months on). As I went into the shop, where I have taken many things over the last few weeks, another customer said ‘Bringing your rubbish in then?’. I managed to blurt out that it was my beloved late mum’s clothes and definitely wasn’t rubbish, before I dissolved completely. The shop assistant was appalled at the man’s comments. I thought I was doing ok until then, but now I feel dreadful again.

@Tolkienwasright oh no, what an absolute insensitive arse! I hope and am sure lots of people will benefit from your kind donation of lovely and beloved clothes. Big hugs to you xx
My mums belongings are as yet untackled, she died in August and even her toothbrush is still out in the bathroom. I'm waiting for my Dad or brother to suggest it as I dont want to be the first one 😢

I've struggled to get rid of the clothes more then anything. I don't know why. He had a pair of crocs that he lived in, during his last few months and I can't seem to get rid of them 😔. Has anyone seen their loved one in the chapel of rest? The funeral directors rang me today to book an appointment, I'm in two minds. He looked awful when he died, but that image has now faded. I really don't know what to do, as I feel like I have a duty to see him and hate him being alone. I know he isn't there, but still.

@Totallybannanas i dont think theres a right or wrong decision on viewing in the chapel of rest. It depends, would it just be you going? Or others as well?
I did, but I think in retrospect that I also would have been ok just with other people doing that bit, the funeral directors did warn us that Mums colouring had changed a lot as she'd been very jaundiced at the end. Equally it was helpful to see that she looked well looked after, her bandana was positioned properly etc and peaceful. We put cards, letters and childhood teddies in with her.
Its such a personal decision and not an easy one xxx

Thank you, I think mainly me. My brother can't decide and others want to remember him as he was. Although it's only 3 weeks ago that he died, it feels like months and things feel more blurry. To be honest the last 2 weeks, feel a bit surreal. I can't seem to cry or grieve. I don't know if I've fully accepted his death and that he has gone or not.

@Totallybannanas i can very much relate to that. I felt quite numb and terribly calm and collected for several weeks after Mum died, It didnt feel how I'd expected it to feel?
I told myself it was probably because we'd had 15 months to prepare, anticipatory grief etc,and while I think that was somewhat true, inside I also questioned whether I was dealing with it all too well/ or not at all, prehaps I wasnt grieving enough/normally or maybe I was just heartless and cold.
However, the last few days have been very tearful and lots of emotions surfacing again, that reassures me I am normal afterall !!
Its just seems that grief isnt linear or predictable or what you expect it to feel like. Hardest thing ever really to wrap your head around that someone you loved so much is no more xx

@Totallybannanas i went to see my Dad in the chapel of rest and was so glad I had. He was dressed in his dinner jacket, and they made him look so peaceful and calm, and to be honest, for me just seeing him in his coffin before the funeral was something that I found helpful. I’d never seen anyone laid out before, but it was a lovely peaceful moment and another chance to say goodbyes they let my dog in too, who was wagging his tail and desperate for a cuddle with him. But agree that there’s no right or wrong.

@Totallybannanas as others have said it's a personal decision. I decided I wanted to. I wanted a final time to say goodbye. My Dad came in with me. It was emotional but I was glad I did it. My brother chose not to and that was fine to. I personally didn't want to regret not having one more moment with my mum.

@FunnyCrabDance I think how you are describing grief sounds very normal and definitely relatable. My experience is the opposite in the sense my mum died very suddenly and completely out of the blue. Initially I was shocked and numb and extremely tearful. And then I would have moments where I would feel fine and almost feel guilty for feeling ok. And then another wave of grief would hit. Mum died 6 months ago yesterday. I can't believe it's 6 months since we spoke but those early days felt like an eternity.

Echo everyone else re visiting your parent. I sat with Mum’s coffin (closed) at the funeral home and ‘we’ just chatted - it sounds odd to say out loud but I know you ladies will understand. That was so precious and I’m glad I did it. Other family members decided not to and that’s fine too.

None of the family wanted to see either my Dad or my Mum when they died.
But I think that's because we were there when they passed. And spent time saying goodbye before the funeral director took them away.
But do you think you will regret not going? If so, then maybe you could go. But you don't have to if you feel you are only doing it out of obligation. I know it's hard to make these sorts of decisions at the most difficult of times, so don't feel bad whatever you decide.

Both my parents have died , my father at just 53 and I was pregnant with my 2nd child at the time , and my mother a decade later .
I'm sorry for all your losses especially the more recent ones .
Quite a few questions asking how you will all get over it , and the answer is you don't . You learn how to go on , but in a different way .

Thank you, I'm going straight after work so will see how I feel when I get there. I'm slightly anxious and not even sure what I will say it do when I do seem him.

Is anyone else in my boat of huge geographical separation? This chat about whether to see/ spend time with the loved one is making me so sad (not in a judgy way!) because I don't have those choices or decisions to make.

There's also a fair amount of anger to process about the geographical distance that is clouding my thoughts.

Hi guys, I made the decision to see him and although I got upset he looked better then when I last saw him. I saw him again today, and he looked so peaceful like he was sleeping. I was almost expecting him to wake up 😔. It has hit me though that this will be the last time I will probably see him. I really wanted to hold his hand and give him a kiss, but I was worried about how he would feel.
We have the funeral Friday, which I am absolutely dreading. I don't cope too well in social gatherings anyway and hate funerals. My anxiety is sky high right now. I hope everyone else is doing.ok.

@Totallybannanas good luck with the funeral, I hope you feel ok after seeing your Dad. I only saw my Mum for a minute after she'd passed and wished I had been there when she went or spent longer with her, but it would never have been long enough.

I hope your anxiety eases a little after the funeral and you can begin to grieve

@Totallybannanas wishing you luck for the funeral on Friday. I remember dreading the day, and even though it was hard to get through, it was lovely being surrounded by people who loved my mum. I hope this gives you some comfort too.