For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

Hello, sorry to see we have some additions to the club that no-one wants to be in .
So I lost my mum well over a year ago now .
Whilst the first few months I felt nothing like I would do . Previously to this I thought id be sobbing at my mum's funeral etc but nothing just utter blankness and horror .
I've since been diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd and cbt has helped me come a long way in recent months.
Until this week . It's the things that I can't predict but generally I am unbelievably angry at the fact that my mum's breast cancer was missed on an mammogram and then the following terrible treatment she received. I feel that if she'd been run over by a drink driver at least I would know whose fault it was or have some kind of answers but nope.
Instead , it's like a random person has ruined my mum's whole life and I'm just meant to accept that.
I'm very left wing , pro nhs normally by the way .

@HopeSpringingHigh I'm so sorry. It is soul destroying when you know that the outcome may have been different and that poor treatment contributed to your Mum's death. Also rage inducing if you feel that there have been no consequences for the individuals involved. It is good that you are finding CBT helpful. No useful advice but sending solidarity.💐

@HopeSpringingHighim so sorry that you have to deal with all that on top of your mums passing. I have similar complications in my grief in that if we or the gp had spotted something sooner maybe things would be different - I’m finding that element of it makes grief really complex with so many layers. I like you wish it was just more clear cut as to how he died and therefore easier to rationalise in some ways. The sadness at losing them is one thing but to have all this other stuff too no wonder you are struggling. I hope you find some support and that your therapy helps x

After such a devastating loss, I think it's completely normal to question if there was anything that could have stopped it from happening. It doesn't change what's happened, and I'm so sorry that you have so many unanswered questions. It makes it harder to accept.

I'm now 6 months in to life without my mum and it feels like it's hitting me harder now than a few months ago. The reality of her not being here is kicking in. I still can't get my head around it, even though I know she has died, it just doesn't feel right. I've also started to get intrusive thoughts recently about leaving my son without parents if something happened to me and my husband. I'm hoping that stops soon, but if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

Thanks for your replies everyone . The thing is I know 100% they missed her breast cancer ( the size of a tennis ball.) Even when they very callously told me she had sepsis and was dying they said to me " well she should have gone to her mammogram. " I replied she did ! And their response was " well how was that missed ." Honestly it's been atrocious.

I suppose the overwhelming feeling I have is the unfairness of it all . Like previous posters I feel bitterness that lots of people live until their 80s or more.
My poor mum was a truly lovely person and didn't even get a retirement.
I'm now left with a chronic illness and no parents or support system in my 30s .

It's the little things isn't it that get you? I know their birthday and Christmas are classic examples but what set me off this week was it's my neices birthday . She never got to see even one of her grandchildren turn 18 .
Strength and best wishes to anyone out there.

I'm thinking of you today @elmleemum
I really hope you can feel a sense of peace today, as you navigate the one-year anniversary.
Hopefully tomorrow you can breathe a sigh of relief that you got through it, like all the other firsts.
Take care x

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling @HopeSpringingHigh

The 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' can be all consuming.
I hope you find some very real peace soon. Sending love & hope x

@BoyMumOfOne82 do something about those pesky thoughts, it will
help. Appoint guardians and make a will. You won’t need it but it will calm you down.

I’ve just done the same, incidentally.

Thought I pop back for an update, mum died six months ago now . If I think too deeply about it I probably fall apart , I try to console myself that she was elderly and had lived an interesting long life . My brother is now harassing me over her will so it looks like an injunction may have to be sort regarding that situation. I am so very sad he wasn’t as interested in her as much when she was alive as he is now . She’s quietly in my thoughts always .

It should have been my mum’s birthday today. She died a week before Xmas. I’m missing her more now than I did when she first died. Caring for her had been tough. I think it was a relief at first.

I'm so sorry. It's still such very early days and you really are doing so well.
Its hard to know what to do on birthdays. I wrote my mum a little letter , I obviously didn't feel like celebrating and yet I wanted to mark it somehow.
How have you found today ? ( i know that may be a silly question.)

Ok. Ive been busy. I work weekends and it’s also my wedding anniversary so we went out. Weirdly we ended up popping into a restaurant my dad introduced us to, so I got a little sad about him too (he died 4 years ago, and that ache is quieter nowadays usually). Funny how it suprises you sometimes.
Your letter is a lovely idea. I’ve been talking to her all day. I wish she could hear me. I wish I’d said it before she died.

I have just lost my wonderful lovely father this weekend. I have stayed with my mother and trying to fill the empty chair especially in the evenings and first thing. I have 2 siblings, they are both happy for me to take on admin for all this as I have for my parents over last 7 or 8 years. I feel like I can’t grieve yet I have too many responsibilities and my daughter is in pieces over her grandfathers passing. They had a very special relationship.

@Username3333333 I'm so very sorry for your loss

Thank you

@Username3333333 so sad to hear this, you will find the strength to deal with it . Be prepared for many emotions to follow, I also slept so much after my mum died .

I have been really busy sorting out funeral arrangements and notifying companies, organisations and people. I don’t think i have accepted he has gone for good yet. I feel so focused on my responsibilities I don’t have time to think about my loss. I am also going to try and read out a tribute for my father at the funeral if I can. I have no idea whether I have the strength to do that until the day. Any tips on how not to break down when delivering a tribute?

I’m so sorry for you, your mum and your daughter. In the days after I lost my dad I found myself wishing he’d been a crap dad, so it wouldnt hurt so much. It’s so unbelievably shit. I’m sorry you are part of this club. But we are all proof that you can and will survive this heartbreak. One foot in front of the other.

I was given a golf tee by the celebrant - he said that by pressing the tip the body automatically focuses on that sensation instead of everything else going on, so I managed to read a poem that my dad had written. So sorry for your loss xx

I did the eulogies for both my parents and I am so glad/proud that I did. I am a hugely emotional person in general, I’d never have believed I could have done it. I found I had to read and read the eulogies out loud many times, until I was so used to saying it, and the words became words rather than emotions. My dog used to groan when I started!
At our Crem the microphone was great, you didn’t need to speak any louder. And our celebrant said he would take over if I struggled, which was a reassuring thought.
Good luck. You’ve got this.

Can I please join? My lovely dad died on Sunday. I wasn't ready at all. I've dreaded it for years - I'm 56 and he was 77, so I'm lucky to have had him this long... but somehow I thought it would be so much easier than it actually is. I'm so sorry for all of you that are grieving 💐

So sorry to read that @DaisyGivemeyouranswer

@DaisyGivemeyouransweri am so sorry. I had the exact same thoughts as you. I spent my whole life dreading it but thinking I was prepared for this as that’s the natural order of things but oh my goodness the reality was so different. Even though he was 80 it was hard to accept. So many emotions thrown in rather than just sadness - I really know now that losing a parent is so so hard and I regret how much I didn’t realise this for friends that had lost parents before me and feel I didn’t check in enough. I’m 12 months on and I must say the feelings have settled somewhat - those early days were so tough. I read recently it’s like having an app constantly running in the background of your brain that won’t close draining a bit of your battery every day and sending unexpected pop ups every now and again which describes me perfectly now. I know now it will always just be there but right now you are in the thick of it so be kind to yourself. Sending strength x

I love that idea of an app running. I’m just over a year since Mum died and I’m fine on the surface, and paddling madly underneath holding everything together. I’m not sure I’ve really, totally accepted I’ll never see her again as I saw her so much in the years before she died. Huge hugs to everyone who’s lost someone.