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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
justjules · 13/04/2008 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo · 13/04/2008 20:13

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. xxx

justjules · 13/04/2008 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmouse · 13/04/2008 20:21

Feedmenow . No words to offer. Came close to losing my own lo but have no idea how you feel. Will be thinking of you.

xx

margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo · 13/04/2008 20:46

Feedmenow - I don't know if it's too late, but if you're going to put anything in the casket maybe you could take a picture of all the things you're placing in it. Photocopy any letters and photos as something for you and your children to keep and take comfort from.

I have been reading the rest of the thread and Charleymouse, Shabster, Frasersmummy, justjules, shoshe to name but a few, you're all so brave and it's so unfair that anyone has to lose a child.

I went to the funeral of a child a few years ago and just after the church service they set free a pair of doves.

justjules · 13/04/2008 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabster · 13/04/2008 21:22

WOW Justjules that poem is wonderful. I'm glad you liked the Joe Brown song. On the video I linked he was singing it at the tribute to George Harrison - that was the first time I had ever heard it and even tonight when I linked it - I bawled!!

FMN - Please do a new thread with a positive title and Please include Eris' name. If we all stick together we can all help each other.

shabster · 14/04/2008 10:01

My Mum is a survivor.

My mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lie awake at night and go to hold her hand,
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away....
I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise
But through heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My surviving mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive
As I watch over my surviving mum...through heavens open door
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears.
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels
My surviving mum has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

Taken from a Compasionate Friends newsletter.

Morning surviving mums - just visiting

amyjade · 14/04/2008 10:28

It will be 3 years on Wednesday since my 19 month old daughter Freya died from meningitis.
Freya died at a childrens hospice so they helped us with the funeral arrangements. I remember being given a booklet with pictures of coffins in and having to choose one for my daughter was just unreal.
While at the hospice they also helped us put together a memory box which included a hand cast and a locke of her hair.
After Freya died she was placed in a little bedroom which is kept cool where she stayed untill the funeral. I found it too painful to keep seeing her in the room so i chose to say goodbye to her the day she died. Knowing she was tucked up in bed in the room next to us was comforting enough for me.

At her funeral we had a few poems and songs which reminded us of her. At the beginning of the service we played Stevie Wonder - Isn't she lovely and as we left the church we played Eva Cassidy- Somewhere over the rainbow. I can't listen to any song by Eva cassidy now without bursting in to tears

To this day i am amazed that i am still here i actually thought that i would die from a broken heart. In the first few weeks and months after she died i remember feeling scared, scared of how the hell i was supposed to live the rest of my life without her
I have survived and now have two more wonderful chidren. They have bought me happiness and a meaning to my life but in know way have replaced Freya. She was my first born baby girl and i loved her so much. I miss her every minute of every day and think about her all the time but the raw pain and grief i felt in the first year or so has eased and i can cope with my loss on a day to day basis. This time of year is particularly hard as i spend every day reliving the events of 3 years ago.

FMW. I hope after Tuesday you can find some peace. I will be thinking of you x

My love to all of you who have lost a child.xxxxxx

amyjade · 14/04/2008 10:30

FMW- A poem for you.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

  • Author Unknown -
shabster · 14/04/2008 10:32

Oh Amyjade - so very sorry for your loss. I used to be amazed that I woke up each morning. Amazed that I managed to eat, or function in any way. The human heart and brain can take such a battering and still...somehow...keep working!

Im glad to meet you but just wish it was on a thread called something like...'how do you cope with excessive wind!!'

Stick with us love - together we can get 'better'

shabster · 14/04/2008 10:34

AJ - beautiful pictures by the way

zeebee · 14/04/2008 10:54

LintFree - your post -I always check on them in bed and sometimes idly think "I wonder if they might die too?" (God that sounds awful I know) but I think it is the side effect of a child dying. Like you say you know it happens to you and not just other people and I think sub-consciously your mind is trying to prepare itself in case it happens again (as if you could!). - is so true, thank you so much for sharing that. I feel that too, part of casual thought some of the time, heartsick at others. It's a hard concept to articulate to others not in this nightmare.

FMN, I have dipped into this thread after my original posting. Please excuse me me saying how helpful it has been - I'm very sure you'd rather not be in the position to help anyone at all, rather have your beautiful girl. I'm glad you were able to see Eris again. Sadly my daughter had changed too much - while I couldn't not go a big part of me wishes I hadn't. I hope tomorrow goes the way you would like it to. It's a very surreal situation. You may find some degree of lightness (even if temporary) that it is 'over'. Take care.

lottiejenkins · 14/04/2008 16:41

TOO SOON ( Mary Yarnall)

This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
No time to sing the songs of yourself
Thou you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love - Only love - In your lifetime
I think this is a nice poem.... very sad too but says what we all feel....

sadkim · 14/04/2008 17:25

god saw you getting tired when a cure was not to be.

so he put his arms around you and whispered come to me,

with tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away,

although we loved you dearly we could not make you stay,

a golden heart stoped beating as you took the offered rest,

it broke our hearts but proved to us god only takes the best.

this peom was read at my babys funeral and always gives me comfort i hope it can bring you some too. sadkim

cece · 14/04/2008 18:24

Thinking of you tomorrow FMN. I will have a mins silence at 10.

Original poster
feedmenow · 14/04/2008 18:58

Beautiful poems everyone. I think I will print them all out for our memory box....

Here is the poem that my dd1 (she'll be 9 next month) has written for Eris, called "If I want to see my sister"

If I want to see my sister
All I have to do
Is look at a flower, think of a fairy
And Eris I see you

If I want to see my sister
I look in my mum's eyes
There's some sparkle and some glitter
And Eris you arise

If I want to see my sister
I look in the star's hall
They may all sparkle brightly
But she's the brightest of them all

I took all of Eris' things today and tucked them all in with her. Funnily enough, I took photos and photocopies of all of it (apart from the angel teddy and rattly donkey from her grandparents which I didn't get a chance to do)and plan to keep it all in a memory box. Leaving her today was difficult cos I know I won't see her again now, but I feel a slight sense of peace too.

After tomorrow I will come up with a thread name for our new thread. However, thanks to Shabster I just know all I'll be able to think of is excessive wind

Dp and I changed our minds today at the last minute about one of the songs/pieces of music for tomorrow and have now included a lovely harp version of "You are my sunshine". This is a link to a site where you can open it if you want to listen. There is a list of the songs on the left if you scroll down a little and you can open it from there. Or look it up in iTunes...look up You are my sunshine by Cynthia Lynn Douglass

cdbaby.com/cd/cld

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 14/04/2008 20:02

Have been silently following your thread sweetheart. All the best for tomorrow. Your dd1s poem is absolutely amazing! Comforting and intuitive all at once.

Will be thinking of you all xxxx.

shabster · 14/04/2008 20:21

FMN - WOW what an amazing poem by your DD - so thoughtful. Think now you have to hug DH and your DC from me. Just tell them the lady with the beard sends hugs and kisses

awwww You are my sunshine - my Matts sulking song - for the first time since Eris' thread started I have grinned twice whilst posting this to you.

I will kiss my two boys photos at 10am tomorrow and pray that Eris' forgetmenot opens for her - You will all be in my thoughts.

PollyLogos · 14/04/2008 20:44

Your dd's poem for her sister is beautiful.

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow. x

margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo · 14/04/2008 21:09

FeddMeNow, your daughters' poem is so beautiful. She sounds a very sensitive girl, someone who'll be able to help you deal with your grief.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and I know it will be a very long night tonight.xx

MerlinsBeard · 14/04/2008 21:10

I too will be thinking of you tomorrow feedmenow xxx

BettySpaghetti · 14/04/2008 21:22

I saw this thread a while ago and wanted to post but just didn't know where to start or what to say.

I've just come back to it and read your daughter's amazing poem (that has brought tears to my eyes) and seen your photos , Eris looks beautiful.

You are all in my thoughts.

x

OracleInaCoracle · 14/04/2008 21:26

feedmenow, i shall be thinking of you all tomorrow xxx

NorthernLurker · 14/04/2008 21:27

will be thinking of you tomorrow

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