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Bereavement

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Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
imjin100 · 13/04/2008 08:18

FMN - i'm away for a week so won't be able to post on tuesday but want you to know I will be thinking of you and your family. love and hugs to you all...really..so much love.

shabster · 13/04/2008 11:22

Morning girls - FMN how are you feeling today?

LJ - I am so sorry for your losses - kind of puts everything into perspective when you read your post. For once, I am at a loss for words. Thinking about you today as well as all the other bereaved mummys and daddys on here

My Gareths song is 'two little boys - by Rolf Harris (Gareth and Danny were twins) and Matts song is 'Power of love' soundtrack to the films Back to the future. I still have to run away when I hear those songs.

lottiejenkins · 13/04/2008 12:19

Thanks Shabster, I am grateful for having my second ds with me! His song is Shiny Happy People by REM.

frasersmummy · 13/04/2008 12:40

I still cant hear atomic kitten .. you can make me whole again.

DH and i were dancing around the labour ward to this before things got started..

I have no idea why we did.. I think we just needed something nice to do.I still have to turn off the radio when it comes on for fear of not seeing the car in front through the tears

I am glad I am not the only ones who still has these kinda feelings years later

dippymother · 13/04/2008 13:18

Remembered the group who sings Adrian's song, it's "Back to Life" by Soul II Soul, it reminds me that slowly and surely, I have got my life back, but hearing the song still moves me to tears.

It's been an incredibly long journey, one step at a time, but hearing about newly bereaved mums and what they're going through proves that we have come a long way since those dark days.

Experiencing something traumatic like this can also have some positives, namely that you realise what is really important in life - health and happiness not the big house, car, possessions etc and when you hear other people complaining about trivial things, you can't help thinking that if that was all you had to moan about, life would be great.

shabster · 13/04/2008 13:24

I love seeing everybodys 'songs.' My Matt loved the song 'pump up the jam' - no idea who sang it but it was house music in the late 80's. He once sang along with it, with headphones on,for the entire 3.5 hour train journey to see friends in South Wales. We all roared laughing cause he really got into the song. He used to sing 'pump up the jam a little more' until it made your ears bleed!!!

When DS1 was 21 (in 2002) we had a massive party for him. We asked the DJ to finish the night with Pump up the Jam. I know this is not funny BUT instead he played Pump up the volume!! When it started playing myself and DS1 laughed with shock and then with real humour - we laughed till we cried. DS1 said 'Mattie would have loved that - the totally wrong song!'

shabster · 13/04/2008 13:41

Dippy - 'back to life'- wonderful song from the same era as Pump up the jam??

Although I suspect I am much too old I love all the music like that - it reminds me of carefree days when my boys were growing up and the transistion of DS1 from baby to young adult........

From nappies to spot cream in the twinkling of an eye

dippymother · 13/04/2008 14:01

Shabster - I think I'm too old too, but Back to Life was 1989, not sure if Pump up the jam was same year but I remember it too, in fact singing it to myself as I type!

From nappies to spot cream..... what a wonderful saying... and so apt! One minute we were reading Peter Rabbit, next I find magazines like Nuts or Top Gear etc under Chris' bed!

LottieJ - thanks for sharing your story with us, I am also at a loss for words. I still have my DH but he was in hospital throughout 2007 with Leukaemia, now in remission, things going well at the moment, can't help hoping it will last, but got to be positive. Hugs to your DS, he's got great taste in music!

lottiejenkins · 13/04/2008 15:52

Have posted this song on here before but thought it suitable now for this post!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2GDG1sNHJE
Its a beautiful song by a wonderful lady!

lilyloo · 13/04/2008 15:55

FMN will prob be the last time i get on as going away tom , my thoughts will be with you all on Tuesday (((((hugs)))) to you all as you say goodbye to Eris.
Just another thing i saw on another thred wher someone said they bought two identical teddy bears and gave one to lo and kept one themselves.

shabster · 13/04/2008 17:06

LJenkins - I remember you now! DOH! I am very slow today! You did put that on another thread that I went on....it is sooooo beautiful. Thank you for the reminder of how meaningful the song is

FMN - Hope you are doing ok honey.

sadkim · 13/04/2008 17:10

i have just been through the same thing except my daughter was 2 never in my life did i imagine burying my child and i still cannot belive she is gone if you need a freind i can honestly say i know how you are feeling

shabster · 13/04/2008 17:13

hiya sadkim - think we met up the other night on another thread

Not sure what to say - you think I would have the right words after all these years but I haven't.

sadkim · 13/04/2008 17:16

yes we did i have just updated my profile with some pictures of akira

shabster · 13/04/2008 17:20

Beautiful, beautiful girl

shabster · 13/04/2008 17:21

I have my boys photo's on my profile - weird really because when I read my profile and look at the pictures it seems like it all happened to someone else??

cariboo · 13/04/2008 17:23

Oh feedmenow. I'm so dreadfully sorry.xx

lilyloo · 13/04/2008 17:36

Shabster , sadkim lovely photos.

sadkim · 13/04/2008 17:43

thank you

shabster · 13/04/2008 18:13

thanks sweetie - still dosen't seem like they are all mine

feedmenow · 13/04/2008 19:09

Evening all. My, you've all been busy here this weekend.

Lily, I was thinking about the cast things last week but TBH I didn't pursue the thought. Eris died at some point on the Sunday and was born at 5.54 on Tues morning. In the time between her death and birth her skin had already become very fragile and was peeling in places. I just thought that trying to do casts 4 weeks later on such delicate sking would be a difficult and rather upsetting thing to attempt, so I didn't pursue it. But it is a lovely idea - maybe they should suggest it at the time at hospitals along with the hand and foot prints.

We made a bear for Eris in a build a bear factory but it is too big for her coffin so we're keeping it for cuddles. We'd even put a beating heart in it that goes off when you squeeze it. Instead, I found a little pony that is small enough to go with her, and that plays "You are my sunshine" when squeezed.

Shabster, dp laughed when I hugged him fromyou! Your forget me nots for your 2 boys is a lovely thought. And I agree that the next should be for Eris. Would be lovely if ours flower on Tuesday....
P.S. Dp wants to know what is with the beard? Is it really uou under there?

Frasersmummy, will probably shed a tear for your little angel on Tuesday too then, if it is his birthday

Dippy, it is lovely to have someone else here "waffling on" with the rest of us! I really think that people like you (and many others) coming here and sharing your losses from further down the line give me some hope. I know things will never be the same again, but at least I can see that we will go on, and get by, and that time will pass and soothe our hearts but we'll never forget our preious angel.

Am loving hearing about your childrens songs! Shabster, yours are so funny - Two Little Boys and Pump up the jam!!
Lottie, lovely to hear that your boy got his song played on his birthday! Typical cocky teenager (he would have been turning 13, right?)
Beautiful song you put the link on for, BTW.

Sadkim, what a beautiful little girl! How did you lose her, if you don't mind me asking?

OK, have been smiling at all your messages but now want to admit to you all that I am getting scared about Tuesday. I keep running through everything that needs to be done, then realising that it doesn't actually matter if the food isn't right, etc, but I think it is just my way of denial. I'm petrified of the journey to the crem in the limo with our baby with us in a coffin. I'm dreading the moment we have her with us for the last time, and that we have to walk away from her knowing that all that will be left after that are memories (and so few of them. Tuesday is what I've been leading up to since I started this thread and the thought of it takes me right back to the beginning - being told there was no heartbeat and me just wailing in the hospital, giving birth to my daughter and hoping beyond hope that they'd made a mistake.

I know you'll all be thinking of me, and I know you'll all be here afterwards. God, I'm going to need you all!

OP posts:
shabster · 13/04/2008 19:21

FMN - Hiya love - great that you posted.

About the beard!!! We go to Faliraki,Rhodes every year and one little bar there has a Xmas eve party every sunday!! The owner encourages everyone to get dressed up and seeing as the bar is called Kellys....

'You are my sunshine' was my song for Matt, when he was a little tot. He could win medals for sulking and when he got into a strop I used to sing that to him. He would get so mad and then burst out laughing

Tuesday will be nowhere near as bad as you are anticipating - Im not saying it wont be difficult but.....

I hope you cry loud but also celebrate Eris. Life will never be the same but it will be good again...you will be able to laugh without feeling guilt...you will be able to go for a couple of hours without thinking about her...you will be happy again just in a different way. I will lift a glass to Eris on Tuesday night and thank her for introducing me to her mummy and daddy - albeit in sad circumstances. I will smile and peep at her photo. We are all here for you - several of us on this thread have walked a mile in your shoes. We are all at different stages and will all help you.

shabster · 13/04/2008 19:25

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Mu8D69uxA0 dont know if you know this song but every time I hear it I think of my lovley lads. My mum says it is a very old song but it somehow matches how I feel about Gareth and Matthew. x

lilyloo · 13/04/2008 19:29

FMN i can't begin to imagine how you will get through it but i know you will.
Shabster i can't say anymore than that you have put it so lovely.
Just know that we will be here for you and don't forget to use us as, you said you have been building up to Tuesday and i am sure it will take you back to the time of loosing Eris again. I hope you can find one tiny moment to smile for her and remember although you will be saying goodbye to her physically, mentally she will always be with you.
Take care FMN my thoughts will be with you xx

lilyloo · 13/04/2008 19:52

Another thought FMN if it might help to talk to other mums of pratical ways for getting through Tue or afterwards maybe start a new thread with a more obvious title as so many mums on here have been through this and i am sure they could give you help, to add to that wonderful support you have been given on here already by the others who have been in your position.

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